An Invincible Summer

619

2012-02-01T09:34:00.000-08:00

Had a fun moment last night washing and drying the dishes with Cristian.
We're freaking hilarious, and I love our house-except that there is now a spider living in our bathroom that Cristian won't kill. He claims that it's "not hurting anything"-yeah...ok... So help me that sucker is going to die today. I'll do whatever it takes lol.

618

2012-01-30T14:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Cristian came with me to feed the ducks.
I keep thinking about it.
It was awesome.

It was a small moment, but it made me so happy.
Sighs.
I love him.

617

2012-01-28T13:05:00.000-08:00

It is a beautiful sunny day, and I really need to find something to put my time into since I'm still waiting to hear back from a few jobs. Kinda going crazy just being at home waiting for the next time Cristian's going to come home hungry. However, I am getting better at timing his lunch better for him so he doesn't have to worry about doing any of the actual cooking on his break. And he's eating everything that I'm putting in front of him which I thought would be a problem. He's very encouraging- I found myself a good one :D

So I dunno. Maybe I'll wander around the shops a little bit, take some bread to my friends the ducks, and then by then have some kind of project I can put some time and energy into. Maybe go for a walk with Nicole-get some nice fresh air. It really is gorgeous outside.

Still need to find a mattress that we can both sleep on and rest comfortably. I need to start putting together something for him for Valentines Day, and I need to withdraw from school cause there's simply no way I can do it- at least that's what I'm finding right now. I am going to start taking Spanish classes at the community center because I want our baby to be bilingual...and I can't really help out much with that if I don't know much myself- and he's been speaking in spanish to me. It's weird. I can understand most of what he says.. but I can't respond- we'll keep working on it.

616

2012-01-23T13:02:00.000-08:00

Hey, I'm married now :D

After all the stress and planning... and crying over the stress and planning the ceremony finally happened. And what an absolutely perfect day it was :D. Sure there was rain and snow which kept a lot of people from being able to make it due to canyon weather, and yeah it didn't go EXACTLY the way I imagined it.. but it was better. I'm so grateful for all the people that helped make my day as special as it was. The flowers, decorations, music selection, toasts, friends, etc... I've never been so happy in my entire life. Or as tired lol.

I was so nervous to walk down the aisle-thank goodness my daddy was there for me to hold onto, and seeing Cristian up there all done up in his suit and looking good helped calm me down as I made my way to the front. And yes, he almost started crying when he saw me in my dress all dolled up and beautiful. He couldn't stop staring, and neither could I. I can't remember any of what my daddy said before the actually exchanging of rings..I'm sure it was beautiful though. I thought he would be all nervous and stuttering when it came to vows and saying I do- but the truth is I've never heard him sound more sure of anything since we've been together. Looked me dead in the eye, gripped my hands and said those precious little words. I told myself I wouldn't cry..so I didn't.. but the tears were there when I said them to.

Michael was such a star also. "Cannon" on the way in, and then "Dawn" from Pride and Prejudice during the signing of the license and walking out. It was beautiful, and we both couldn't stop smiling.

It was wonderful to see everyone that could come, and I'm so glad I had all my sisters there to help me with my dress, hair, and veil. Sighs... I am very blessed. Pictures, the dinner, and the cutting of the cake were all a blurr but I will never forget the best man's toast, my sister Jasmin's toast or the one that Cristian gave to me. I've never heard such nice things said about me, and yes I got all choked up.

The dance wasn't too successful but.. whatever.

And when it came time to sneak out of there I started sobbing as I told my parents goodbye and thank you. My family has helped me through so much the last couple of months.. not just with this wedding but with this new experience of being pregnant and anticipating motherhood. I hope one day I'm just as good or close to what my parents have been for me... for my children- starting with Violet who's due in just 4 MONTHS!!

I would write more...
...but I'm overwhelmed.

What a good day. :D

615

2012-01-14T07:36:00.000-08:00

I hate the world today.

I have a million things to do and I can't bring myself to do any of it.
I can't deliver these announcements.
I can't take my ring in to get it resized.
I can't make him dinner tonight.
I can't clean my parents house though I know I should.
I can't do anything today.

I just wanna sleep.
I'm trying not to shut down...
..but it feels like my power is going out.

614

2012-01-10T18:25:00.000-08:00

So.... I dunno.
Haven't slept well in days.

613

2012-01-03T11:12:00.001-08:00

Almost done moving, just gotta move my bed.
Sighs.
Exhausted.

612

2011-12-31T13:39:00.000-08:00

Went and looked around for a mattress today.
Dang, their expensive. I think I always knew that but I've never actually had to buy one. And we're in pretty big need of one. I can't sleep on the mattress that we've got. I wake up with a really sore back- course a lot of that is also because I'm pregnant and my hips are widening. It helps if I put a blanket or another pillow in between then, but not that much.

I told him I could just take the bed from my apartment and set it up (temporarily) in our living room but for some reason he has some real issues with that idea. It would only be until we purchase or found another one. Sighs.

Printing starts on Monday and hopefully doesn't take that long since we're really behind as far as putting those things together. Jan 21st is right around the corner and we still have a lot to figure out. Who knew it would take this freaking long to get everything done.... not me that's for sure...

I go in on Wednesday to find out the gender of the baby, and in the meantime Cristian found a 2nd job working at a sushi bar. I think he enjoys it. I would feel much better if I could find something to. It would be nice to have some extra income and to not feel like such a leech.. but I guess that's probably how it's going to be for a min.

I have an opportunity to go to China in May. And I know I have a job for sure here in May if I want it. Just need to get certified in a few things, fill out the online application is February, and then count on Scott to put a good work in for me with Dan. But I'm not to worried.... I've got the job. Just not for a min.

Also. This is weird but I think my doctor got my due date wrong. I was doing the math and it works out that I would be due April 24th.. not May 24th. Guess we'll discuss that at my next appointment... kinda awkward.

Can't wait to get back in shape.

611

2011-12-30T11:13:00.001-08:00

Our announcements are almost finished and they look amazing!
Joni truly is an artist genius. I definitely think she managed to capture "me" in the layout.
Pretty excited about it. I love how feminine and awesome they look! And that there's purple..

LOVE me some purple.
Very happy about that.
Now for printing.....

610

2011-12-26T21:24:00.000-08:00

Hhhhhhh.....

oh dear.

609

2011-12-24T18:16:00.000-08:00

Happy Christmas Eve!!
I've got Cristian's pressies all put together- now if only my eye will stop swelling so I can go and chill with his family for a bit.

Hhh..
I love Christmas.

608

2011-12-21T16:25:00.000-08:00

Kind of hate today. It started off with Cristian showing me a stupid 9gag picture he knew would bother me. He just doesn't get that I don't have that broad of a sense of humor lately, and anything that makes me feel insecure isn't going to make me laugh. It's only going to make me cry and run away. So that's basically what's going on. I have my bridal shower tonight and I feel like trash. Been crying all day, and trying to sleep so I'll stop crying. And I just don't know how I'm going to get through the next 2-3 hours smiling and pretending everything is okay and I'm one very happy bride.

Thinking about it kind of makes me want to throw up.

Need some space and time away.
And there's a small part of me that wants to throw everything in the bag, give up on all the things we've got planned and start with nothing. Nothing and nowhere is a familiar place, and one with which I can always improve on. Things can't get much worse once you're at the bottom so why not just put myself there for awhile then try to rebuild to where I once was instead of fighting all the things that want to bury me in this dark ominous hole. Perhaps it's twisted logic but most things are twisted right now.

I don't know if anything I feel about my situation is normal, because I have no one to talk to about my situation. No one can relate. No one can possibly understand. And I myself am tired of thinking about it and wanting to talk about it. I don't know if it's hormones speaking, or something else but I'm hot then cold, happy then sad, sure then doubtful. It's never just one thing that stays for awhile. In one day I experience the entire spectrum of human emotions and then I can't sleep at night to follow up every day that feels like an episode.

And now my mother's bothering me about how I should look happier because they're throwing this party for me.. and "shouldn't I find a top that says something more about how happy I am?"

Fuck.

607

2011-12-20T19:15:00.000-08:00

Finished up some Christmas shopping. Daddy's gonna LOVE his present and hopefully what Talisa and I picked out for Jasmin is good as well. Steph and Bean are covered and now I have to worry about Cristian and this shower tomorrow. Announcements should be ready by the first week of January and things are coming together. Hopefully his parents get out here on Thursday like we've planned to go over everything and man.. am I exhausted.

Mom wants me to go and try on a dress because nothing is fitting anymore, but I'm t sad to tell her that I can't go into clothing stores right now without bursting into tears because I can't stand this baby bulge. I know I"ll be happy in the long run but I can't wear any of the pretty things I used to, and I'm afraid to try on.. ANYTHING because it might result in a meltdown.

I have this thing with my body image, and having a baby bulge really isn't working for me at the moment. Plus its Christmas so I feel as though I'm eating more than I usually would... even though I'm probably not and I have to take baths daily to take away some of the aching that's coming up. Man. I have lots to complain about. But there are good things to. Cristian's finally getting serious about the job situation.. to bad it had to start happening a month before we're married...

But hopefully something turns out. Tomorrow is the shower which should be fun and my daddy, brother, Cristian and maybe Allen and Ray are all going out to dinner and Mission Impossible 2 for "guys night". I'm glad he's spending time with my family.. it means the world to me. I need to get a body pillow, and start using another pillow to help my back-it's starting to get sore because my hips are widening.. oh pregnancy lol.

Ready for a bath, and maybe a small nap before I head home for the night.

606

2011-12-19T17:18:00.001-08:00

Wow, we got a lot done today, and hopefully it results in some employment for both of us.
I sat down to write something important but now I can't remember what.
That's awesome.

WAIT!
I remembered, just now.
So I'm kind of into photography. I took a couple classes in highschool and college and have entered a few contests (I've never won any of them though) but then I got a call today which sort of changed that. A friend of mine is writing a book, and he wants to use one of my landscape pics as the cover for it. He sent it to me with the date of the book and everything on it and I must say it looks awesome!
So um... my photography is going to be on a book cover for which I shall be paid and maybe become famous for lol. I don't really care about that, but I'm excited that I'll get to see it on something published and awesome :D

Good things happening.

605

2011-12-18T12:57:00.000-08:00

He rubs people the wrong way, he's picky, and inappropriate... but he's charming and passionate and I love him.

604

2011-12-18T11:27:00.000-08:00

Alright.
Last night it all finally came together. Got together with my parents and Cristian and planned out the wedding- everything! So I can finally stop worrying about things and starting putting it together. I like the way we laid it out-mostly because it allows for me to have some time in between everything for naps and resting which I know I'm going to need. I hope he's happy with the plan, at 5 months pregnant I'm simply not going to be able to do an all day all night celebration. Me and the baby need to SLEEP. And yes I'm a selfish bride-I'm going to want some alone time with him in between all the friend and family time.

The only thing we have left to decide is the design of our announcements, whose catering and where we're honeymooning. Everything else is set.

Feels good, and I'm finally starting to feel the excitement that any young bride should with her approaching wedding day. Up until last night it was mostly dread and ignoring everything because I couldn't find a way to balance things enough where everyone could find some happiness in my day. Which is ironic because.. it's MY day right. Well, Cristian and I's.

Anyways, that's over and done with.

Christmas is a week away and I haven't been doing anything about that. Christmas shopping this week for sure. Not sure what I'm going to do. What I wanted to do for Cristian simply isn't working out so it might have to be belated.... but I need to put SOMETHING together for the man. All I wanna do though is watch Gossip Girl, Lipstick Jungle and plan my way to Forbes top 50 women.

Had a weird dream last night. All it was, was me running.. just for..exercise. In the dream my heart was pounding so hard but it felt so good to be out in the fresh air and light just running till' I couldn't anymore. I woke up and thought it was real or something- so tomorrow I'm hitting up the gym for a nice long run.

Made sugar cookies.
Want to frost them.

603

2011-12-16T10:49:00.000-08:00

Big day ahead- or at least I'm going to make it one.
Really need to get Cristian going on his resume', and I need to check back with a couple places and get my resume' out there also. Although I don't know where considering I've applied absolutely EVERYWHERE in this valley. Might be time to start looking in places like Brigham and Ogden. Just really need a job.

Cleaned up the house yesterday and started putting up decorations-didn't finish. Clothes are in the laundry but I need to stop by WM to get a few things.

I should get off the computer and seize this day.

602

2011-12-15T11:53:00.000-08:00

Sorry, but sometimes mom, you're really stupid.
She put her back out this morning and was told to stay in bed for the next couple of days taking pain killers, but instead she stumbles around the house bitching and moaning about how badly her back hurts.

Well no freakin' DUH.
I'm not going to have sympathy for you if you go completely against what the doctor tells you. Don't start crying to me when you screw your back up even more cause seriously.. it's YOUR effing fault.

Need to clean the house today, somehow get the tree upstairs, and decorate the house.. should have done this a long time ago but everyone been going crazy about the wedding. Meanwhile I'm just trying to ignore everything and Cristian's sick.

I HATE THAT.
Ugh... Happy Holidays :D

601

2011-12-12T20:40:00.000-08:00

Finished my final paper! And a day early too, don't judge- that's actually quite the accomplishment considering my track record for getting things done this semester. Went and took more engagement pics today and I'm hoping some of them worked out. They were outside so I had to wear my coat- had I known I would have brought a different coat for sure! But hopefully something worked out that we can both be happy with. Went and looked around at cake makers/decorators and I think we've got something figured out. And I gave Cristian till' the end of this week to figure out our job situation so hopefully that just somehow.. comes together.

Went up to the temple today for a little lift and I felt a little better.

My family got their tree tonight so we're spending the evening decorating it, the house, and eating peach penguins in between (they are delicious). Probably should have gone and started boxing up my stuff at the apartment today but...didn't. Maybe tomorrow after I go to Juniper to get an application. I didn't get the photography job which blows.... ugh. Just need to keep pushing through this.

I want to write another short story.
I also want to move to Tahiti.

600

2011-12-11T13:49:00.000-08:00

Last night was the Hanukkah party. Every year Nicole and Clayton throw it and it's honestly the best part of the holiday season. Each time we pick a family to help out for Christmas. This time it was a family with a little 2 year old son whose had some unfortunate and serious medical problems. They've been struggling financially so we all got together, pooled our money and took it to this family. We had muddy buddies, chips and dip, cookies, and all sorts of goodies and then watched "8 Crazy Nights". It's the one time a year I can suck up and stomach Adam Sandler.

He just not my type of funny but.. Clayton loves it and it's tradition. Cristian came with me this time and got to meet everyone. I'm jealous of how he fits in with everyone I've introduced him to, while when we go and do things with his friends I'm awkward and shy and I can't seem to find a way to find comfort in my own skin.

We left after the movie and headed over to Sal's house cause C was hungry for Pah. I ended up sitting on the hardest stool in the world lol. My hips hurt so bad but every other place was taken. While he talked with boys I sat with the girls and heard more horror stories about labor, and breast feeding, and taking care of a baby. It was interesting and everyone drank a lot of wine. The longer the night wore on the more stupid everyone acted and I was MORE than ready when Cristian decided we could go. I'm trying, but that's all I can say as far as his friends. I'm trying. And that's probably all I'll be able to say.

Been a rough couple of days but he's been amazing.
I'm really lucky to have found him and I can't wait to marry him.
Sure things are up and down and sometimes I don't feel as confident but... it's understandable with the way the last 6 months have gone. Hopefully he and his parents are coming out tonight so that we can finish planning this wedding, and I gotta ask Sarah if she's sent out invitations for my bridal shower yet- it's coming up!

Sighs.
Haven't started my final paper yet. I planned on it and then... it didn't happen.

599 (finally)

2011-12-10T11:45:00.000-08:00

598

2011-12-09T09:16:00.000-08:00

He loved the purple eye shadow and the sparklies even though it was light, and he liked my hair. It was awesome! Totally stared at me the entire ride into town. Kept saying how beautiful I looked. Not gonna lie, it felt pretty awesome-especially since earlier that morning I'd broken down in the Kohls dressing room because I couldn't find anything that would somewhat hide my baby bump. Pretty sad moment. My poor mother lol. He looked pretty sharp to in his jacket, hair all done and shaved. He looked GOOD. Our pictures are gonna be boss. We only got some of them done because the battery died on the camera so we'll reunite on Sunday to get the last of them. We want some silly ones and I was some more romantic ones. Today I get to decide what we do. I wanted to go up to Maple Grove Springs for the afternoon but I'm not sure how into hot tubbing he is, or if he even has a suit.

So now I gotta come up with something else- and have everything ready by 3pm. Should be fun though. I hope it is. Also- need to fill out that application. HAVE to do that today no matter what.

Memory:
"The thought that counted" when he tried to get me those musical lights from Oville and his car broke down instead. LOL.

597

2011-12-07T22:15:00.000-08:00

Engagement pictures tomorrow- yes, finally I'm going to have some to put up so everyone can see us together. I'm kind of curious myself lol. We're gonna look good though, and hopefully Heather has some fun ideas for things we can do cause.. neither one of us really know what we're doing.

I know how I wanna do my hair though, and hopefully I can figure out something with my make-up.

Memory:
This is sad because of how it started but happy because of how it ended. I was upset-that's an understatement-I was hysterical and crying for no real reason. He wrapped his arms around me and held me in a tight grip against his chest until I calmed down and was adorable as he brushed the hair out of my face and tears from my face. I fell asleep pretty quick, and when I woke up he was still holding me in that protective embrace.

Sighs.

596

2011-12-06T21:59:00.001-08:00

Alright, yeah I know- my resolution to write a cute memory a day for the next little while already isn't happening-but hey- I'm pregnant and overestimating my ability to get things done when I say I will has been a little off lately. Plus I have a wedding to get ready for, and....yes! A new apartment to move into and get ready. We got the place I wanted and the landlord is freaking boss. Really excited that we searched around and didn't settle for one of those loser places we looked at.

The best part is, it's furnished but still totally within out affordability.
It comes with 2 couches, a chair and 2 tables, microwave, washer and dryer, and some other odds and ends and it feels nice not to have to worry about those things. We have a bed- though we need a new mattress, a TV (which isn't essential for me but.. Cristian's parents bought us it as an early wedding gift) and as far as I can tell- that's a good start. Pretty excited about the way things went with Wes- and he's even going to hook me up with a job which will be a HUGE relief and weight off my already aching shoulders. Good things are happening and tonight I'm happy :D

I also did my final presentation in class today and they were all excited about the podcast. The paper was a fiasco but hopefully Chris got my email about how that had nothing to do with Rose and it was just a lax of motivation on my part to really put it all together. Glad that's over though and I have my take home exam that's due next week sometime. Probably should get that started right now and not wait till' the last minute like with this last one.

But first I'm gonna take a bath ;)

Memory:
When I saved him while playing the Halo Campaign and he gave me an unforgettable kiss :D

595

2011-12-02T20:20:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling unreal lately. I'm sure it's because I've been in a constant state of exhaustion since September. But I've been doing some thinking. Thinking about all the really good times that I've had with Cristian. All those special moments and I realized that I've mostly failed to write some of those things down. I'm sure it's because of said exhausted stated above, and that I worry sometimes that once something is written down... it hurts the memory somehow. I can't really explain it. Like what if writing it down makes the memory less beautiful than what it really was. Or what if I can't write it down the way it happened and it's forever remembered wrong because of the way you read it. And of course I have this thing were I have a hard time finding happiness, and looking back at all the times that I was or am happy makes things worse when I'm feeling down or sad.

I know.
I'm crazy.
But I should write this down regardless of all the insanity.

I remember the first time I spoke to him on the phone. I'd just gotten off work, it was snowing outside and I texted the number he left. He called me a few seconds later and I remember thinking how attractive I thought his voice was. I didn't know what was going to happen. As far as I was concerned nothing really was. That's normally how these things go right? There's potential, maybe you see the person a few times, and then there's a falling out and you're left wondering what the hell happened. You get over it. Then the next "potential" happens. He was fishing with his friends which I thought was interesting because it was almost midnight. I guess that's a pretty normal thing but at the time I didn't know anything about fishing. We talked for a few minutes, he set a date up with me for the next day and I went to bed feeling good.

Our first date was alright. He was 10 minutes late and he didn't look at me very much. We played a couple rounds of pool at Logan Lanes and he asked a lot of questions about me. He helped me with my technique which I remember thinking was interesting and was flattered/confused when he told me that I "had a beautiful smile"-he hadn't looked at me all night so how could he possibly know what my smiled looked like? Right? After in the parking we stood talking for a few minutes he checked out my car which I thought was funny and he told me he had a motorcycle ( I found out later he was just trying to impress me, which may have worked if he'd taken me on a ride.. but it was winter lol). He gave me an awkward hug-again not really looking at me and I left feeling slightly confused, but not overly concerned about seeing him again.

He called the next day and wanted to go to a movie. He was 15 minutes late this time and came wearing fishing clothes. I don't remember what movie we saw-it didn't matter though we talked through a lot of it and afterwards I followed him in his car to his mechanic shop in Hyde Park. He showed me around and I remember my toes were freezing because I'd decided to go open-toed that night. We talked for a very long time. He told me his lifestory and eventually the night wrapped up and I headed home.

I thought about it. Then I decided that I should maybe show that I was slightly interested by inviting HIM to do something. It seemed appropriate for a 3rd date but I didn't have any money. I invited him over to my apartment to watch a movie. He came over. I remember he was wearing a puffy vest and my interest dipped a little. I can't really explain that except to say I hate puffy vests. I went back to my room to grab the movie and he followed me? I was kinda confused, and I think he confused himself because he said "I don't know why I followed you back here, I'll wait in the living room" I just laughed.

We watched "The Other Guys" on the lovesac in my living room. He put his arm around me then went in to kiss me. Chickened out. Then went for it again and I allowed him to succeed. I liked the kiss, but not the session that followed after. I remember telling my friend Joni that I thought he was so hott, he had perfect lips but as soon as we kissed it was over for me. Way to much and at that point I felt like all my interest was gone. "Suck" right?

It's hard to chronicalize the way the rest panned out. We saw each other everyday for 2 weeks and basically every day since then. I have fond memories here and there though I can't remember every single moment.

For the next couple of days I'm going to share one memorable moment I've had with Cristian. These things are important-freak-I need to get some pictures too. What's my problem anyways right?

The time he was trying to read the title of a show on TV "Ricochet" and he pronounced it "Reeko-chet". LOL. I laughed so hard and the best part was... that he did too :D

594

2011-12-01T18:39:00.000-08:00

Went in for my second appointment today. I was nervous because I've never had a physical. I know right? What kind of 23 yr old girl hasn't had a physical. It wasn't as bad as I imagined. The whole thing took less that 5 minutes and I got to hear my little one's heart beat again. I didn't know they were doing another ultrasound or I would have insisted that Cristian come along. I still feel bad about that. Everything looks good. It's heart beat is perfect and my body is in good condition also. Good blood pressure, good cholesterol, strong bones, good hips. Things are looking great.

Cristian took some initiative and worked on finding some cheaper places that we can check out.
Pretty tired these days. Should probably work on getting more sleep, eat more vegetables and maybe get more fresh air than I am.
Had a job interview the other day, I find out if I got it our not sometime next week.
And tomorrow I go into the studio to record my podcast for UPR.

Good things are happening.

593

2011-11-30T18:06:00.001-08:00

Things are slowly coming together.
Figured out my colors.
And my flowers.
Bought my dress and veil.
Have the bridesmaid dresses figured out. Still need accessories.
We have a location for it.
We know whose marrying us.
Next is getting pictures for our engagement photos and people's addresses so they can get said invitations.
Sarah is in charge of my bridal shower so I don't have to worry about anything except showing up-and getting addresses for that also.

We still need to go someplace to get registered.
Need to figure out food.
And music.
And where we're living.
The honeymoon.
I'm sure there's more but that's all I've got off the top of my head.

In the meantime we're both worrying about money (we need more steady jobs!).
I have my 2nd appointment with my doctor tomorrow at 4pm.
Producing my podcast for UPR this coming weekend.

Sighs.
I can't wait till all of this is over.
It's funny how weddings are never really about the bride and groom, they're about making everyone else happy. I could care less about what goes where, who wears what (except for Cristian.. but that's mostly just because I'll be wondering when I'll get to take it all off), or what people eat.
The only thing I care about is him, and what this means for both of us, and this crazy start to our lives.

Everyone else can kind of suck it.
Lol.

592

2011-11-27T16:05:00.000-08:00

Nov 19th.
Proposal.
Great Grandmother's ring.
January 21st.

Not ready.

591

2011-11-06T15:07:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to show.
And I really hate it.
I get it.
But I really really don't like it.

Keep going back and forth, back and forth.
Smiling, crying. Lots of energy. No energy.
Confident I can do this. Depressed because I feel like I can't.
It's gonna be like this for awhile.

Went for a walk today with my dog. It was nice to get some fresh air and stretch my legs. I guess I should be doing more moving around cause I'm a higher risk of getting blood clots now? Joyous :D But it's a good thing, I should be out and about more instead of sitting at home all the time worrying about all the things I can't change, or can't change until other things happen first.

Need to figure some things out.
Be sure of the things I want.
Try to find a solution to things that I don't want but am dealing with.

No money.
Sighs
:D

590

2011-11-03T22:10:00.000-07:00

Went in for the ultrasound today at 4pm. My anticipation over the last 2 weeks has been mounting and poor Cristian, I was almost crying by the time we got in today. I wasn't sure how I'd feel seeing the baby. Would I be excited or scared? Sad or happy? The best case scenario in my mind was that I would probably feel all of those things and have some kind of nervous breakdown.

Not quite.
We went through all the clinical stuff. Medications I can take, stuff about diet and exercise, etc, etc. And then we went in for the ultrasound. I honestly couldn't breath properly and my hands shook as I lifted up my shirt across my belly. She put that blue stuff on my stomach, lowered her little instrument and bam... there it was up on the screen. We watched it move an arm up and down and it's little leg stick up. It was crazy seeing it but then something else happened that blew my mind.

The heart beat. I almost started crying but couldn't hear or see Cristian out of the corner of my eye and didn't want to burst into sappy girly tears. I held it together until we made it to the car and then my mom called to see how it was. I started crying on the phone. It was what I thought... I felt excited but scared, sad but so insanely happy I didn't know what to do with myself. Cristian was awfully quiet. We both were, just taking in the experience we'd just had. My baby is healthy-perfect heart beat, 2 legs 2 arms and looking great. I'm eleven weeks and my doctor adjusted the due date to May 24th.

Crazy things happening.

589

2011-11-01T18:00:00.000-07:00

So I've had a lot of things to complain about lately. I'm not going to apologize cause it's all been honest and it's helped put things into perspective.
People nagging me.
My cancer scare.
And now I've got a urinary tract infection. Oh joy right LOL. Like life isn't complicated enough without it having to hurt like hell when you pee? It okay though, I got my medication to help clear things up today-should be back to normal in a couple of days.

I started laughing today, mostly because I was tired of crying.
Life's silly sometimes ya know, but today's been a good day for looking at the bright side. I have a wonderful family whose done nothing but love me more in my situation and are willing to love my little one with all their hearts if my decision is to keep her in the end. I've got a few solid friends who help out by keeping in good touch, planning fun things for us to go out and do, and just being there. I've got a boyfriend whose doing everything he can to make me feel safe, comfortable, and happy on a constant basis which I'm sure is just.. exhausting for him. I have a car to drive around until I can figure out what I'm going to do about my transportation. I'm in pretty good health, have food to eat, a shower to bathe in and a bed to sleep in. I have enough money to pay my rent for another month plus utilities. Thanksgiving is coming up and it's one of my favorite holiday's because we all get together and have a good time. And then it's Christmas and my brother and his family who I haven't seen in a couple years are going to fly out and ...it's going to be awesome. I've figured out what I'm getting for Cristian for Christmas and it'll take up a lot of my time to get it finished-which is good-I should be busier. It was sunny today and it felt soooo good. I'm not ready for the cold dark winter ahead of us in the next few months. We've got our script and our podcast is ready for production. My first appointment is in 2 days and we FINALLY get to see the little sea monkey :D. There is plenty of sunshine heading my way, and I'm going to work on appreciating every second of it.

The HAPPIEST people DO NOT necessarily have the BEST THINGS. They simply APPRECIATE the things they have. - Warren Buffet

588

2011-10-31T13:03:00.000-07:00

Yep. Can't come home without someone bothering me about something or other. It's just reaffirming that I can't move home. Might move in with Cristian if we can't find a place we can pay for in the next couple of weeks, but truth is I don't really want to live with his family either. And he doesn't either. He said he'd pick up another job here if that's what I want and he'll be the supporter for awhile. I do eventually want to get a job so I can help us out but I think I'm down and out for about the next year. That seems like a really long time. We'll make it.

Heading down to O'ville to purchase new red boots! And some other unmentionables. It's going to be a good Hallow's Eve. Mum made chocolate covered pretzels. Sighs.

587

2011-10-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

Going through a rough patch. With myself.
Just still trying to figure things out. The cold dark weather is coming on, so I know less than happy feelings about everything are partly because of that. Being really hard on myself. Not taking the best care of myself-as far as self love and respect go. All I wanna do is talk about it, but there's no one I can think of that could really understand or care about what I'd have to say. I talk to God a lot. But he's not sitting with me in my room talking to me face to face. Sure we can talk spirit to spirit but I just want something I can touch. Something. Someone.

I was told writing would help me.
And it has, if helping means every time I sit down to let out some thoughts and feelings my keyboard is drowned with tears. I'm not meaning to repress everything. I've always been really honest and open about how I feel about different things. With this though, for whatever reason I feel as though I have to do it alone. And it's driving me crazy. And I've started treating the people I care most about, badly. I wrote Cristian a letter the other day and left it on his gaming chair. He read it but didn't understand why I was apologizing for my behavior, which just made me burst into more tears.

He's the best.
The absolute best.
I deserve less.

Whenever there's a problem I just want to run to him, but I don't want him to see me like this. He's so strong and positive and always has a bright side. He's happy and enthusiastic about this. He believes it's a blessing. And I feel as though I'm just the opposite. I feel weak and negative. It's hard to find even a small bit of happiness in a day lately. I'm upset and worried about the situation. I see it as a mistake (not my baby, the timing in which it happened). I see it as a trial. I wrote in a different journal closer to the beginning of all this that I just wanted to endure it well.
I'm not enduring this well this week. There are small, fleeting happy moments where I really laugh, or really smile, or really feel good.. but they haven't lasted long this week. I'm ready for this week to be over.

I can't seem to get away from anything. It makes sense, and I shouldn't be trying to run from everything but can't I come home without you, mum, hounding me about something to do with my situation? Can't me and the people I keep in contact with talk about something other than me? Can't me and Cristian have a fun, light, conversation instead of me turning it into something serious where we just end up fighting?

I'm trying to figure everything ok?
There's a lot.
It's not going to happen over night.
I don't know why she thinks it's going to.
Why I think it's going to.

He wants to move back to Cali.
I want to move anywhere but somewhere close to here.
So we're looking at jobs out there.
Please God, let us find something.

Tonight is a Halloween party. I was supposed to help plan it, but mostly what I've done this week is beat all the feeling out of myself. And the few remaining feeling I have, the ones that somehow managed to sustain my abuse are wandering around like wounded baby animals just waiting to die. I want tonight to be fun, to go be with everyone, get dressed up-do something crazy like.. carve a pumpkin and forget about who I am and what's going on in my life. But I don't know if I can go. Some of these people are... not exactly what I thought. And if people feel as though they have to be "cautious" around me- then how about I save everyone some stress and not come. I wouldn't have been offended if you simply hadn't invited me.

It just makes a lot more sense to me.
There's another party tomorrow night that Cristian and I are invited to. It'll be rowdy, but I want to go because he does. I don't have a costume. He's going to be a robber. I was thinking Where's Waldo but I don't know if I'll get anything together. Everything feels like such a chore. I'm realizing that this is a pretty whiny post-but you can navigate to different screen whenever you want. This is my space. Suck it.

So I'm not sure what I'm gonna do today. Nap is definitely on the list. Crying can already be checked off. I wanna go be with Cristian.
Later.

586

2011-10-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

Writing and producing a podcast for NPR and UPR.
That'll look nice on a resume' right?
:D

I've started doing yoga again, my body feels so much better with all the stretching.
I'm kicking Connor's trash at Words With Friends.
And I had an awesome afternoon up the canyon in the fresh October air.

Thank you God for my life.

585

2011-10-23T17:21:00.000-07:00

Broken clouds give rain.
Broken soil grows grain.
Broken bread feeds man for one more day.
Broken storms yield light.
Break of day heals night.
Broken pride turns blindness into sight.
Broken souls that need His mending.
Broken hearts for offering.
Could it be that God loves broken things?

-Kenneth Cope

Today's been a bad day. I wanted to spend some time with him but when I went over he was getting up late and seemed to have a million things to do. So I went home feeling a little defeated and sad. Tried to take a nap but couldn't. Tried to eat something but couldn't keep anything down. Everything's changing-that doesn't mean it's never been like this before but sometimes the hard truth hits me and I feel like I'm drowning.

Today I'm drowning.
I started to freak out.
Can I give this child the life it deserves? And if I honestly can't say with 100% surety I can, what right do I have to keep it. And then my heart broke and all my fears came splurging to the top. What if I just.. can't do this. What if I just can't find happiness at the end of this for me, for it, for Cristian? What about all the money we need but we don't have? What about all the trust issues I have? What about all the good things and dreams and goals and plans I have? Am I going to be able to achieve success?
Am I going to have happiness?
Am I going to have to settle?
And if I have to give that up, CAN I?

How can I do all of this?
It's a bad day.

Would like to run away today.
Somewhere. Anywhere.

584

2011-10-22T12:11:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.
Didn't get a nap in before going to the corn maze with Cristian and Connor. It was pretty funny, he was so scared. I jumped a few times but after the shrieking girl decided to get right in my ear and yell bloody freaking murder (yes, it's still ringing) I just got irritated. Take a few steps back lady, seriously.

Afterwards we went to PA3. It was awful as expected but I'm trying to go and do things with Cristian that I know he likes to do. Watching scary movies is one of those things. So I spent most of the movie white knuckled and gripping his hand, covering my eyes with my hoodie, and humming happy songs in my head. I tossed and turned all night, and then woke up to Cristian grinding his teeth. Pretty scary sound especially with the movie we'd just watched. Had to keep waking him up to get him to stop. Finally it started to get light outside the window and I settled down into a doze. Still wasn't great but it was something.

Made an awesome breakfast. And now I want to fall into a coma nap.
Going to make Halloween treats and hopefully have an awesome girls night tonight :D
Ah..

ZZZZzzzz

583

2011-10-19T18:40:00.000-07:00

It happened again today.
I was at the shop talking to Tom, the Iranian, while C worked on his car.
Some of his friends showed up.
And I just can't figure it out.
And more than that, I just don't want to.

I want C and I to pack away our lives here, and move somewhere else where we can just.. have OUR life. I feel bad but as I sat there today just watching them lope around acting all hard the only thing that came to my mind was "Where are these people going? Nowhere. What do these people have to show for their lives? A criminal record, less brain cells. What have they accomplished? Nothing". I don't want any part of it, and I feel like as long as we stay here he's always going to be KIND OF a part of it.

I want something else.
I want something better.
For me. And for him.
And I'm going to get it.

So tonight while he's out doing whatever it is he's doing, I'm gonna work on some writing, catch up on some school work, and make some money. Then later we're gonna have a chat.

Really want to go to the corn maze.

582

2011-10-18T09:33:00.001-07:00

Went ring shopping yesterday.

581

2011-10-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

Last night went really well.
Cristian came out and was a good sport about singing Happy Birthday to my mom, chilling with my sister and dad, and playing an Australian game with the family: Chinese Writing. He picked up on it quickly, it was awesome. We sat down in the living room with my parents until about midnight. I watched as daddy and Cristian just talked and talked and talked.

After wrapping things up we got in the car and headed home. He said it felt really good to talk to my dad and he's starting to feel more comfortable.

What if he gets that job in the big city?

Anyway. Went in for my second biopsy today. This time they took a piece shaped like an eye and layered the stitches. I go back in 10- days to have them removed. Sighs. Let's hope for the best.

580

2011-10-16T15:48:00.001-07:00

Went up to Porcupine Dam yesterday with Talisa and saw a little bit of this. It literally took my breath away, so beautiful up there right now! I feel like I missed all the colors up the canyon because... the weather changed to quickly but down there past Paradise, it's taken its sweet beautiful time :D

It was good to get some fresh air, even if I was exhausted by the slight walking around we did. So much better than what I've been doing. Cooped up at home just trying to figure things out, kind of going crazy. The last couple days I've forced myself outside and it's been good for me. And for the baby. I woke up the other day wishing it was Christmas. I just miss my family, which is odd because I live about 6 miles away from them. So I've been spending lots of time out there wondering if maybe the best thing to do right now is to move home and just relax for a bit. Not worry about paying bills or not having a job, or a car for that matter. There's so much more going on.

Had a chat with Cristian's Uncle last night. He never introduced me but he knew my name and when he heard me rummaging around in his room looking for my contact solution he called my name. I went down the hall, sat and had a chat with him. He didn't know I was pregnant-which is interesting because everyone else in the house knows. He burst into tears-it was ok-they were happy tears and we had a long talk about life and.. school. LOL. My family would LOVE his family. All of them are pushing me to finish even though I'm having a kid. It's good because I don't have enough motivation to do it for myself. I just don't care that much about school but with a whole group of people pushing me to do it... I might actually do it.

Anyways, had a talk with Cristian a few minutes later when he came home. About the future.
He wants a wedding. I want to elope.
He wants to get me a big gawdy diamond ring.
I want a simple band. I hate diamonds.
It's just funny.
I told him if he wants a wedding he has to plan it. I'll get a dress and show up.
There's something backwards about this lol.

My dog has his head on my lap, he can spell the cold pizza I'm eating.
LOVE this canine.
It's my mum's birthday today. I have the best mom in the world. I didn't know what to get here, so I guess I'll work on that this week. She's hard to shop for, very practical but I mean.. what could I get her that she doesn't already have? I don't know either. Hopefully Cristian's gonna make it out here for her delicious cake. They really want to get to know him better-and I really want him to get to know them better also.

I wish it was Christmas.

579

2011-10-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

As I've sat down the last couple weeks to write about what I ACTUALLY want to write about, I've found it's been difficult to crack open this chapter of my life to the general public. Not that anyone really reads this anymore (which is fine), but just.. when they do-let's just say reactions to my current situation have been varying- from awesome to not.

It's time to drop the bomb. At least on this sucker. Not for anyone else but mostly because I've been advised to write about my situation to HELP me SEE my situation. This is perfect, because writing has always been a kind of therapy-and I definitely need some of that. :D
3-4 weeks ago my life turned upside down. Ok, not completely true. The truth is I've been ready for a big change for awhile. It's also true, however, that I didn't expect it to happen in the way it did-though perhaps I SHOULD have expected it. You'll understand.

The point is, it was late morning when I looked at the result window on the stick and saw this:

Pregnant

Honestly? My first thought was "fuck". Then I started laughing to myself because that's what got me in the situation in the first place. Then I felt disgusted because here I was in a non-ideal situation and was already cracking jokes with myself. Then I got scared and felt my whole world crumple into a million pieces. Then I fell in love with the embryo and realized I had to do everything I could to ensure it's safety-my life didn't matter anymore.

That's when I called my mom in near hysterics. Up until about 2 weeks ago things were a blur. Telling Cristian. Telling my parental units, then having to call up my siblings to let them in on the news. Telling my bishop. Insurance. Getting a doctor. Counseling with a lady from LDS Family Services. WIK. Prenatals. Some maternity clothes shopping. A few weeks later I started to tell a select few who I knew would be descreet about everything but eventually it was all going to come out. Like now for instance :D.

The guess is I'm 8 weeks. Which means my due date is May 26th. All of that will be affirmed or adjusted with my first visit to a doctor which is Nov 3rd. Crazy. They won't see you until you THINK you're at least 10 weeks along. I thought they'd see me right away.....interesting.

I think some questions people will have when reading this will be as follows:
What are you going to do about the baby?
Whose the baby's daddy?
What are you going to do about the baby's daddy?
And maybe just "what?"

So to answer question 1. My plan is to keep the baby. I'm not closing off other options and that's what the counseling is mostly for- to get research on all the options so I can make the best choice for me and the baby. So far my plan to keep it feels like a good one and I'll do everything I can to ensure that stays the right decision. It's really just one of those things that will have to be affirmed with time. For now, I'm keeping her (yes, we think it's a girl)

Question 2. Cristian. The boyfriend. The daddy. I've never written anything on this blog about him so you're going to get the whole story. I met Cristian back at the end of March beginning of April. I served him and his friend in the restaurant I was working at and when he left, he also left his number on a napkin for me to find. At the time I wasn't exclusive with anyone so I sent the number a text when I got off work and he called me a second later. We saw each other every day for the next 2 weeks. He's a year younger than me, Guatemalan though he moved here from Compton California, owns a mechanic shop, and is a professional race car driver. He graduated from Wyotech and wants to go back to school to do Bio Chemistry. He was persistent and when I decided to be exclusive with someone else he was fine with being friends. We still saw each other, though not romantically-but there was always tension. After breaking up with the person I WAS exclusive with in July I started dating him and things just took off. Yes, he's gorgeous (I'm working on getting a picture), but more than that I love that he can find a way to make me laugh even when I'm crying. He's intelligent and bright, his family was kind and welcoming, he was different and exciting and new. He thinks I'm the greatest thing to ever come into his life. We are opposites. So it makes sense that we kind of fell into each other very quickly. It also makes sense that there's been friction sometimes.

Question 3. Yes, we're still together though I tried to cut the ties several times because honestly? I thought it would be what he wanted but if anything he's done nothing but fight for me harder. He loves me. He did before any of this happened and I love him back but naturally just like any other couple we have our differences, and some of those differences are concerning to me if we plan on becoming a family (which is definitely his plan). The last couple weeks have been interesting as I've shared with him what would have to happen in order for me to marry him and he's stepped up admirably. He's stopped drinking and smoking, he finally got a real job and has full benefits on top of making good money, he met my family (they loved him-which was a surprise, and he loved them back-also a surprise), and he's been with my every step of the way through all of this. And there have been times where I've given him every reason to leave. Not intentionally but pregnant hormonal mood swings can be INSANE. He's put up with all of it and sees us growing old together with our little ones.

Last question: "What?"
Yes. I'm pregnant. It's not entirely real to me yet either. The first 2 weeks I FELT pregnant but as the weeks followed I've done nothing but lose my appetite and lose a lot of weight. I guess that's normally what happens, that's what people keep telling me but it's weird being pregnant but not FEELING like it. No morning sickness, no headaches, no weird cravings, nothing. The only significant difference in my body is that I'm noticeably more tired. I can't keep myself awake for longer that 4-5 hours at a time. It's hard for Cristian to wrap his head around it too though he's simply ecstatic about it, he can't wait to be a daddy. I think on the 3rd when we see the ultra-sound and that little one swimming around in there it will hit us for real. That's what I'm hoping for anyways. We've been through a lot the last couple weeks but we're both working on keeping our heads up and facing this situation full on. If this was going to happen, I'm lucky it happened with him. He's been a rockstar through it all and he's going to fight for me till' the very end.

We've been thinking about names- all girl names because we're convinced it's a "she". So far we've agreed on a few: Amara, Eve, and Violet (this was a surprise). I'm crossing my fingers for Violet. If in 12 weeks we find out it's a boy-not sure what we'll do. We haven't discussed it ever being a boy-no names-nothing. That will be interesting.

My mom and sisters think I'm having twins.
Um???!

So the next 7-8 months of my life are going to be a wild ride. But I have Cristian. And my family. And the few friends that have decided they're okay with being a support system.
Right now while writing this I'm happy. But it's not like that all the time. There have been plenty of times where I've wanted nothing more than to drive myself into oncoming traffic, or run away to some far away land where no one will find me and can't judge me. Sometimes I get angry and want to smack myself for texting that stupid number on the stupid napkin that day. But I'm hoping for more days like today. There's an acceptance of what has happened and what IS happening and I understand that I can't cry over spilled milk- all I can do is go on this alternative path and try to make this work for me in a way that we'll find happiness.

For those of you who I've told and haven't bailed-thank you. To those who did- I get it.
I love all of you :D

578

2011-10-09T15:14:00.001-07:00

Went to Naomi's baby shower last night. Walked around in the baby aisle with Cristian looking for something to get for her right before heading over there. It was silly. A purple striped onesie. A variety of socks and a pair of tiny baby slippers. Cristian picked those out and Naomi LOVED them. I told him later cause with his friends all the guys hang around outside and the girls get together and chat or dance. Sounds like my kind of crowd but last night taught me a lot.

I only knew Naomi, Nana, and Sal's wife- I can't pronounce her name it kinda sounds like Marissa. I met Nana's daughter (Cristian's god daughter) Tiauna and some other people. I tried really hard to make an effort to get to know these people. The last time I visited I couldn't find any common ground-or ground that I wanted to be on.

It was the same thing last night. I got tired of trying to have conversations with people and instead just sat back on the couch watching and listening. After about an hour and a half I came to the deduction that all of his friends are bored with their lives, or are stuck in their lives. Everyone's doing the same things. I heard the same conversations over and over again and honestly-no one's going anywhere-unless you count getting out or going into jail. I'm trying to figure out how Cristian fits in with them. He finished school, he has a business. He's got ambition. He's doing things with his life-what exactly is their connection? I asked him as we made a quick trip down to the city. He told me they all came from a similar childhood, all grew up in the same rough-n-tough situation and that's why he can get along with them. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I guess I have to have more in common with someone then just.. what our past looks like. We have to have things in common in the present...otherwise you just stay IN the past. And that's what I see with his friends.. They're all just hung up on their "hood" lives and have no real motivation or will to move up and forward from it. So as I sat there, looking around the room, I realized my head wasn't the only thing going in circles. All their lives were to.

We had a conversation. I'm sure it just sounded like I was bagging on his friends but that wasn't it. I don't dislike them or have any problems with any of them, I just don't ever want to be like any of them.

I got a call the other day from one of my English Professors from last semester. He kind of set my course in writing. I knew I always wanted to do it but he was the perfect person to show my work to-for the first time. I've never had a professor believe in me that much. He called to tell me about another contest. It's a dual perspective theme and I have the perfect idea in mind. The prize is $1,000 a it being published in..some magazine. It doesn't really matter what the magazine is..it's a magazine. There's a couple photo contests coming up and I'm thinking I need to start looking into a different kind of job also.

Something that's less stressful.
I hate my job at ICON.
I REALLY am starting to hate it. It could be because I've almost been a month since I started working there and no, I haven't been paid yet. Really sick of this. I shouldn't have to go to effing payroll track down Jack whose a jack-A and figure it out. Come on, it's 2011. Super annoying. Need to figure this out tomorrow. I'm tired.

Went for a walk today up the canyon, took my camera and some tunes.
It was amazing.
And I saw a catepillar creeping across the trail.
LOVE. <3

Rihanna - Cheers (Drink To That) [Official Version]

2011-10-09T14:27:00.000-07:00

Rihanna - We found Love

2011-10-07T17:08:00.000-07:00

577

2011-10-07T09:56:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last 16 hrs trying to get this legal brief paper finished. It supposed to be 4 pages but I've only got enough material for 2. It's solid though so hopefully, at very LEAST, I'll get an incomplete and the opportunity to get at least 85% of the grade with an added extension. Also, test this upcoming Tuesday in ENVS 4500. I'm not worried about it, as long as I can start my studying this weekend and have things squared away by then.

I better have gotten paid today, cause I'm ready to treat myself to...something. I'm not quite sure what I'd like to splurge. I was thinking about going and getting my hair styled for when Cristian and I go to Naomi's baby shower. Kinda want to make a good impression because hopefully some of these people will become my friends. I just want a couple.

He has a hard time saying the "l" word.
I don't.
But he said it.

I've started to learn some new lullaby's and Disney songs on the piano, all for what's coming up in the future. And a new savings account has been created. Hopefully we can figure this all out.

In sad news my car died. Engine seized and it completely shut down so now I'm sentenced to driving my father's car around and my poor dad has to be driven around by my mother- who just had eye surgery so.... that's a blessed situation lol. But it looks like they've got a lead on getting me a new one. An Acura? I know nothing about Acura's , better research it I suppose-get a handle on what I'll be moving around in. And thank goodness they're helping me take care of this-really have a lot on my plate.

It's mostly good things.
But it's hard things too.
Here's to the weekend.
:D

576

2011-10-02T09:33:00.001-07:00

Saw 50/50.
Best movie I've seen in awhile.

575

2011-09-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

Got a new job.
Working at ICON Health and Fitness on the Holiday Line. I can see how assembly wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea-but it actually kind of is mine. Repetitive works soothing to me. And the time goes by quickly (5:30pm-12:00am) because you get in the zone and go. No time to screw around-unless you want the line to halt because of you. I've already met some really cool people, and the Line Lead is a pretty awesome person.

The best part is how much money I'm making.
I liked a sign they have posted on one of the EXIT doors. It says "If you have the right to work, don't let anyone take it away". So yeah-maybe it's not the best job as far as "quality" or something but any blue collar job is respectable, because it's what keeps all the other jobs up there. Salt of the earth in there-I need to start packing better lunches though.

I'm at my parents and dinner smells amazing.
So yeah.
Moving to Japan next weekend.

574

2011-09-11T13:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes all you need to relax is an evening walk in the brightest part of town. Maybe sit on the steps and chat about nothing and everything. Don't forget to try and reach the branches coming off the tree next to the highway. Imagine what the manicans are thinking and saying. And enjoy a light sprinkle of rain.

Good night.

573

2011-09-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

On coming traffic.

572

2011-09-03T10:03:00.001-07:00

Well, somehow I survived my first week of classes.
Well. Mostly. I did skip out on my JCOM class on Wednesday.
Fuh I hate school.

There's too much going on.

572

2011-08-25T07:08:00.000-07:00

Finally.. the turning point.
Really good night.
Thank you.

571

2011-08-23T17:20:00.000-07:00

Fake drowning boy: "Ahh! I'm drowning!"
Fake drowning boys friends: "Don't worry, he's faking it. He just wants you to give him mouth to mouth."

A real life "Sandlot" moment. Absolutely hilarious.

570

2011-08-19T11:16:00.001-07:00

I don't know where he is.
But I'm 100% positive it's a girl.

Eve.

In Time Trailer

2011-08-15T13:58:00.000-07:00

Can't wait to see this movie.

Had a dream I came up with something called "Wheat Thicks". Kinda like Wheat Thins but 1,000 calories a cracker and they "put hair on the chest". Everyone in the dream thought my idea was stupid, but even now completely conscious, I think it's genius. :D

C.o.o.l.

Was made a sandwich the other night. In order to eat it I had to dislocate my jaw like an articulated python. It wasn't pretty. But it was absolutely delicious. It was almost like the time they made me "muffins of mass destruction". Sometimes you have to make your friend happy even if it's entirely irrational.

So I don't know, maybe I want a make over.
New clothes, new hair cut, new person.

569 {MIA-for a min}

2011-08-14T14:53:00.000-07:00

It's so hot today.
And I'm not feelin' it.

568

2011-08-12T19:27:00.000-07:00

Tried the catfish.
LOVED the catfish.

567 {567}

2011-08-11T10:12:00.000-07:00

So they caught 2 catfish. HUGE catfish.

566

2011-08-09T08:39:00.000-07:00

Maybe I need to make some more friends.
I don't really do anything anymore.

565

2011-08-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

Never underestimate the power of a natural high. Felt amazing to get the muscles working and blood pumping. Later having it followed up with a healthy dose of laughter really topped off the night. I'm not sure what's happened in the last 24 hrs but I've gone from feeling as though I can't do anything, to feeling as though I can do everything.

I see it as a gift from God that I've felt the presence of the spirit so strongly in my life the last couple of hours, and I hope the decision I've made allows me to continue to have that calm in my life when I know things are about to become possibly more chaotic than ever.

I've got a good angle.
I'm happy when I'm there, I love the teasing and laughing. I've enjoyed the security and the excitement, the change in pace but the truth is that I don't fit. And neither does he. This small nook we've filled in each other's lives only satisfies itself during the wee hours of the morning. Late to come over, early to leave and nothing about it is real. I think that's it. This just isn't real life and that's what I'm really trying to work towards. Ahead and behind in different ways. The difference between trying to be something, and actually BEING that something already.

I don't think I'm better than him. I'd never say I was better than ANYONE. But I'm too much of a good girl for him. And he's in a bad boy stage that possibly isn't a stage, but a lifestyle. I'm not saying it isn't a fun combination. I've learned a lot and enjoyed all of my time with him. He interesting and adventurous, he's sexy and aggressive in all the right ways. He's experienced and gives me the perfect amount of attention. He's hard but soft. He's opened my eyes to many things and I'll never forget the crazy in love feelings he's got for me and in many ways I love him back...but... this is a moment. And moments pass.

I'm sad it's over.
I'd be lying if I said this was going to be easy.
Just thinking about it tears me up inside, and part of me hopes that he fights tooth and nail for me... but this is the right thing to do and I feel I know that without a doubt now.

Love isn't enough sometimes.
Religion isn't enough sometimes.
Sometimes you don't get to have.. enough.
I'm lucky that I did for a couple months :D

So now I've got to write a proposal to the university to explain why my combination of studies should be accepted into the Interdisciplinary Studies Major. What to say what to say.

564

2011-08-06T20:07:00.000-07:00

No mature response for this.
I don't miss who I was, I'm just trying to figure out who I am now.
Ahead and behind.
3/4ths of the way done.

Ready for this thunderstorm.

563

2011-08-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

So, really need to get back on the running train. Or maybe swimming. I weigh exactly the same but I think some of my muscle is starting to turn to jelly. "Flappity flap" And truth be told, I've been pretty lazy the last couple of weeks. And exhausted-which doesn't happen when I'm on a good schedule for working out.

Starting tonight.
Tomorrow I'm figuring out my classes for fall semester.

Helped Cristian in the shop for an hour or two this morning. I miss working on cars, getting covered in grease. It's good honest work and I should stop forgetting that and just do something about my passion for it. My chat with Daddy tomorrow will help.
Cristian liked is birthday gift. Snack Pack with 22 singles of all his favorites, and new headphones (so he can stop borrowing mine). Oh yeah, and a pack of gum because somehow I've managed to give him that addiction. Happy Birthday! It's been a good morning.

Pizza flavored goldfish.
I can't explain this to anyone.
I'm happy.

Lil Jon - Outta Your Mind ft. LMFAO

2011-07-31T13:00:00.000-07:00

562

2011-07-31T12:03:00.001-07:00

Loved this from Sunday Secrets. It reminded me of when I used to live in Arizona and the 5am coffee mob. What a nightmare.

So I dunno. Maybe I want to move to San Fran.

561

2011-07-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

Was sitting in the guard room the other night, chatting about the sunset. Someone was saying the only reason we have sunsets is because of pollution. False. It's a little more complicated than that. Next someone said "Well, haven't we had sunsets since the 1800's?"......huh.

This is what I work with.
I just remember Face and I looking at each other with.. that look we've got.

What to do, what to do.

560 {cherry vodka snowcone}

2011-07-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

Bloomington Lake

559

2011-07-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

The real life experience is not exciting, spontaneous or a crazy adventure all the time. Real life is the hard and tedious, the dull and difficult, the mundane tasks of thriving and surviving. Every now and then something might happen that takes you off on a temporary tangent, things get wild and ridiculous-but you should never love a wild thing. A wild thing is..just that-inconsistent, so much potential for mistake or regret. Real life is the grunt of the human experience, I want THAT. I'm realizing this, and also that wanting that is perfectly okay. And if you want consistency, YOU must be consistent.

Been going through a trying time. I've had to go back through my chain of chosen people in my support system. All links have remained strong with one exception. And how's that saying go? "A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link". My "weak link" is a wild thing. And while it hasn't destroyed my chain, it HAS made the last week more difficult than it's needed to be. And life right this second is more confusing than it should be.

You see, we think we're unattached. That all of us is still there even though some negative things happened. We thought we couldn't be touched or harmed if we just play the part. As a gap has formed and proximity has expanded we began to realize we gave away more of ourselves than we realized and we lost more than we found. And what's more is we can never get that back. It will always be lost, and it can't ever be returned.

Never give a wild thing....anything.
_____________________________________________

The other night we went on a date.
Tried to go rock climbing but it was too late so we went and bowled instead. It was awesome! And after we played air hockey, he tried to win me a toy out of one of those claw machines. So much laughing. Back at my apt, pillow fight, light chatter, then heavy chatter.

I love him.
So I'm going to make him dinner next week. :D

558

2011-07-03T17:11:00.001-07:00

It's a beautiful day.
Must stay optimistic.

The Band Perry - If I Die Young

2011-06-29T11:29:00.000-07:00

557

2011-06-29T09:26:00.000-07:00

2011 Camping Trip
Success

556

2011-06-24T12:42:00.001-07:00

Talisa is back from Germany!
Muah!

555

2011-06-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

{Last night was sort of wonderful.}

554

2011-06-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

Scratch that.
No more worrying, everything's good.

More work.
I love Expertech.
Firestone can burn.
Back on track.

I'm really happy.

Oh and Banana Bungalow in San Diego with Joni and Meggae to look forward to.
Bring me that beach.

553

2011-06-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

Changed my brake light last night.
Turned out to be much easier than I thought it was. Now a safety inspection and registration-this stuff is just a hassle sometimes ya know? Now me and Catherine need to figure out our shower drain, I need to pay Ashlie for rent and utilities and get to planning this house warming party.
Also. I kinda need to ramp up my work ethic. I keep leaving work early to be with him or to go and do crazy things with my friends but.. I really need to get back to packing the money away. Who knows what's going to happen in the fall?

Last night was a good example.
But it was worth it!
We went over to Jess's and played some games, watched Jurassic Park (left a little bit early but finished it back at my parents house). We talked with my parents for a bit before they headed to bed ( Mum just came back from North Carolina).

Oh dear.
Good times.
I think he's starting to get the puzz, and he's been pretty quick on the uptake as far as racial jokes go. He made an AMAZING racial joke last night while watching JP. It was hilarious. I was blown away by it. It was.... impressive.

Good night.
One more week to worry.

552

2011-06-19T12:28:00.000-07:00

I love the part in fairy tales that's very near the end.

551

2011-06-16T16:43:00.000-07:00

I forgot my camera at my apartment.
But next time I head out here I'll bring it and post the B. Lake pics.

It was exactly what the doctor ordered. A delightful little piece of land right next to the water. Sunshine. A cool breeze. Light fluffy clouds. 8 wonderful friends. And some relaxation. Us girls sat and enjoyed the view while the guys went to go find burgers, fries and shakes. Once they came back we watched Albert and Henock take to the water in wetsuits then some of us started up a game of volleyball. They had a sweet underwater camera they were throwing around. Lots of fun. The lake is so high right now, hardly any beach.

We watched as they shook the playground almost out of it's roots, kicked the soccer ball around and then took a nap among the daisies. Light chatter. And all of a sudden it was about 6 and time to head back. But not before grabbing a meal accompanied with an amazing shake. Good times.
I learned some things about Mongolia and then through the canyon home.

An hour after getting back he came over and we went for a drive past the haunted mansion. It's an amazing place. Lots of chimney's and windows. Overgrown grass and vines creeping up the side of the entire building. Broken down car in the driveway. If you don't know where it is you wouldn't see it. It's nicely hidden just off a main road. It was too light to do anything so he kept driving and up Green Canyon we went. Stopped and hiked the cave-which we will camp at one day, and all the way up to the top. Through puddles, cool breeze, new music, some interesting conversation. We headed down back to my apartment.

Watched a sweet documentary. Totally forgot we were going to the mansion and then he passed out on the floor while I played the guitar for about a half hour. I snuggled up to him after awhile and eventually he woke up and we remembered that the mansion was waiting.

We never made it though. Instead we cuddled on the love sack and talked about church doctrine and other things. Good conversation. Watched the results of a fight in my apartment parking lot go down and then it was time to say goodbye. We missed curfew by a half hour, but that's a lot better than 3 and half hours. We're working on it. Always.

It was another wonderful night.
And I'm still falling.
So happy.

So content.

550

2011-06-15T10:37:00.000-07:00

I NEED to get better at taking my camera with me when I go places.
It used to be glued inside my purse, but then it became unglued somehow.
.....Not to articulate today.

Last night was WONDERFUL.
No. It was better than that but my internal thesaurus is on break for the morning.
I got off work early (YES) and decided to go for a drive. I purchased some new music and needed to get away to explore it. The weather is finally beautiful and I HAD to pay tribute towards that. I found myself heading out to Clarkston. So I could see him obviously, but also because it's nothing but green pastures and stretches of perfected blue sky.

It was invigorating:
Windows rolled down, deep bass, speed, minimal traffic.
He opened the door. Eyes lit up all sparkly and the most excited smile stretched across that face.
I am the luckiest girl in the world. We went for a spin over the dam. It's much bigger than I thought. It was like a scene out of a movie. Sunlight radiating across the water, the green leaves from the trees flickering in the light, the sound of a little motorboat making it's way out to a secluded fishing spot. We just walked around talking and laughing and swatting mosquitos.

Next he showed me his thinking spot.
I got this warm feeling inside and couldn't stop smiling.
It's a beautiful spot on the other side of the dam. When the moon is bright and full you can look across it and see the reflection and the lights in the city. I asked him what he thought about when he was there. He told me a little bit and that's when it happened.
I'm falling in love with him.
I've started the descent.

Next we headed across the "short divide" to Cutler. I'd never been there before but it was the perfect night to go on a little adventure. We watched the train trundle slowly by, then got out and took to the tracks. It was starting to get dark but the rails were strangely illuminated. We crossed the first bridge- "Hobo Bridge" as he put it because apparently there are sleeping bags and other things laying strewn all over the place down there-it was a little nerve racking. Mostly because I have ZERO depth perception in the dark. Also because of potential hobos. It was pretty funny, he told me that when he goes up there he likes to walk along the edge where on the otherside there's a 60ft drop-he's an adrenaline junky. Then he said "But you probably won't let me do that huh?" I just laughed because.. he's right. No way in the world was I going to let him perform that little stunt. Though he did clamber down onto some rocks to see if there were people sleeping under there. We crossed and came to the first tunnel.

It was rough standing at the beginning of it waiting for him to check out if things were safe. He disappeared into the dark. I didn't like that. AT ALL. And was thoroughly relieved when I saw him reappear. We walked through, and there was the dam! All lit up and picturesque. We stopped for a few minutes, I watched him throw rocks into it then we decided to make it to the next bridge before turning back. By this time it was really dark. At the second bridge we stopped, looked down, he wanted to spit off of it. So he did. My boyfriend is 12. But it was fun. On the way back we had an amazing discussion about.. well, the past.

We stopped at the cement platform and sat down to enjoy the sound of rushing water and each others company. Down on the walkway we saw a racoon skittering about and we threw some more rocks in. After talking for a little bit it was time to face the tunnel again. That was hard but once through I could breathe easy, across the last bridge and back to the moonlit tracks.

On the drive back we talked about silly things, listened to some amazing music and just.. enjoyed the evening breeze. We sat and talked in his driveway for a few hours. Several hours. Had some fun, and then it was 4am and the light in his parents room flickered on. I guess they get up THAT early for work um.. just about every day.
We're getting bad and blowing off curfew, but recommitted last night to it. We both need to be better about that. We both WILL be better about it.

I drove quietly as I could away and he slipped inside the back door.
Great night. WISH I would have brought my camera.

Tonight I think I'm showing him the abandoned house in the city adjacent to mine.
No. I won't be going inside with him, and I don't think I'll actually LET him go inside, just how I wouldn't let him walk along the edge of that bridge. But I'll certainly let him look at it.. from the outside.. standing back from the road..

Very happy.
And today I'm spending my day at B. Lake with some old friends from Sville!
LOVE!

549

2011-06-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

548

2011-06-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

I dunno.
It's just really nice to have THAT friend again.
It's been a really long time since I've had that, and I really don't want any of it to go away.
The last 2 nights have been amazing.
Sunday night was a little rough, but he called around 2am and talked to me until about 330am. It was a good chat, he told me a couple jokes, asked me some pretty interesting questions, and I just laughed. A lot. It felt good.
Last night we played a racing game. Totally sucked it up but he's awesome at not making me feel like a loser because of it. Then we watched Demetri Martin.

The sketch scared me though.
He was planning on going fishing at 7am so when the time came I left.
Actually.. more like flew out of there. Kinda left in a whirlwind.
Later at home I sent him a text expressing my worries. All I got back was an "LOL".
Course I think he was still half asleep... but I know we have different ideas about, well, everything-this just adds to my worry.

But here are some good things:
The sun is bright and sky is clear today.
My room mate Catherine is back from Ecuador and we're already becoming really good friends.
I was double scheduled, but found someone to cover one of my shifts.
I got a lot of sleep last night.
I voiced a BUNCH of concerns I had at the "Mandatory Employee Meeting" last night.
I finally bought some groceries! And they will all be delicious.
Talisa is back from Germany in a few days.
Victoria and Cami are up visiting for the next 2 days.

Hmmmmmm...

547

2011-06-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

DANCE fool. Dance!

546

2011-06-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

It was 2 to 2. And on my last hit I called the right pocket, but it bounced back into a WRONG pocket. I lost. But I suppose that's okay because I kicked his trash at bowling the last time we went out. We acquired the best table in the joint. It was incredibly enjoyable. We made our way to RedBox afterwards and rented... wait for it... NARNIA!! I really like the last movie because of the parallels I see with my beliefs. I love the part where Aslan says "In order to beat the darkness out there, you must first conquer the darkness within yourself". And also the part where Eustace couldn't change by himself. He needed Aslan and the way he described was "A good hurt, like pulling a thorn out of your side".

Man, love that movie.
ALMOST.. ALMOST teared up, but not quite.

We also decided to try out some Ben&Jerry's Karamel Sutra ice cream. Um. Delicious.
An evening that left me feeling very content. And plans for July 4th. Camping! Somewhere!
I haven't ran in about a week-should probably get on that.

Things are getting better.

545

2011-06-08T08:45:00.000-07:00

I've got a lot of catching up to do.
Got a lot of CATCHING to do.
So that's the plan today.
To catch.

Painting cabinets later this afternoon.
Best friend coming back to town.

Ugh.. Here we go.

544

2011-06-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

All I wanna do, is clean out this garage in peace.
And not have Darius die before Talisa gets back from Germany.

Sighs.
Just realized I never pulled my ipod from the charger.
Bah.....

543

2011-06-02T08:55:00.001-07:00

Now that's what I'm talking about.
Last night, when I needed help "the posse" responded.
I just realized that I already have a couple clubs with unwritten rules..and this is a good example.
I love that THAT circle will always be there when things are dire-even though we don't keep in very good contact anymore and it would be stretch to say any of us were still REALLY friends. I like when it really comes down to it-we're there for each other. And for that I will always be grateful.

Congratulations Bradey on your upcoming marriage-may it be a partnership full of love and fun times.

Not getting much work with the weather being this bad and things slowing down at Savannah's. Applying at a couple different places later on this afternoon but for now I've resorted to pulling weeds and cleaning out the garage at my parents place. But at least it's money right.

Then I plan on at least starting to learn a new song on the guitar. I've decided I want to learn at least 5. All easy. Just to have something else to play-and I'll just make up a bunch of different lyrics (cause that's the part where I feel most comfortable). Also, the Vegas song. Really wanna get that thing crackin'.

Last night was great.
Went to a shooting party with Jeff and some of his friends. It was a good time. I totally blew apart a 7 up bottle with a shotgun. It was awesome, and we played around with some other guns. I think my favorite part was just sitting in the pasture enjoying being away from roads and city and people and noise. It was beautiful and as I walked up the hill I thought it would have been a perfect picture moment. But I did not bring my camera. Dag.

Later he came over.
We broke curfew again.

But again, it wasn't my fault :D
He's cute.

Sighs.
Weeding!

542

2011-05-30T18:07:00.000-07:00

Man. We're gettin' weird.
I dunno, but the last couple of days I've been strolling around with a perma-smile on this mug. Super content. More security than ever before. And I'm just amazed at how good everything feels right now. I know a few reasons for why.

TTOTM (It really was a blessing)
Things with him.
Things with the other him.
Things with Him.
New music downloads.
Progress with the roomies.
Nicole's Bday.
I wrote a song-and it's AWESOME.
In fact... I'm going to post it.

I wrote this FOR Nicole. You won't understand what it's about but it was a success. She laughed really hard. That means it was successful in case you missed that part. Here it is:

The sun just peeked out from behind the clouds.
My family wants to play "Would You Rather"...huh?
I feel like too much has happened for me to be able to get it all down.
Things were getting really crazy, but then a miracle happened. This miracle will give me about a week to figure this out, make a plan, and execute the plan. Thank goodness for miracles. I didn't deserve this one but I learn every day more and more about how merciful my God is. And how thankful I am for that knowledge and the love I know He has for me even though I'm not always valiant. I've met some pretty amazing people lately. People that are helping me to reaffirm all the truths that I've found out for myself and redrawing the line that separates black and white-the way it was before. It's funny the ways in which we readjust or recalculate the path that we're trying to stay on. And interesting how we find that in the least likely places.
I'm really happy right now.

Also.
I AM going back to USU. Just got an in with an amazing tutor and I'm going to kick the trash out of all the worthless math I've got to get through. And I will. So help me, I will.
Man.

Good.

Shontelle - Say Hello To Goodbye (Cover by Adam Stanton & Candace Lacina)

2011-05-27T16:18:00.000-07:00

541

2011-05-27T14:53:00.000-07:00

{I own 4 dishes, and they're all glass cups}

I think I got lucky with my roommates even though I hardly ever see them. And when I do they're distant. It's true. I basically live there by myself. It was the right choice though, and it's confirmed as time goes on and life begins to fill out with all the lovin' summer has to offer. It's been good thing for him also. The move has been good for US. Scratch the couple days where he went total MIA-but we're working on it. Work is starting to pick up (what I mean to say is my other jobs have begun), it's slowly...slowly....slowly... but surely getting warmer, and I'm getting thinner. I've met a couple people. I've ditched a couple people. But it's all a part of the adventure.

Been looking at a bullet bike. I told myself when I started at Uni that IF I graduated I would buy myself one. 3 years later I'm 90% positive I'm not going to graduate from Uni-but I'm going to buy myself a bullet bike anyways. I found one for a decent price, it's going about it that will be the experience. Getting my motorcycle license, um, learning how to drive a motorcycle (I guess those go together), it's a pretty daunting task but I'm so ready to wrap my legs around a powerful engine and fly through the canyon. Yep. I said it. I want to RIDE. And I want to do it now.

So I'm looking.
And lusting.

BATC is looking like a good fit, now I have to present the idea to my parents. I'm worried about what they'll say. But more about what they WON'T say. And I'm worried no matter what I decide I won't really stay committed to it, because when you look at my track record...well... it's full of fickle decisions about school and ya know.. my future. I think about that, and then about other things-for instance- how awesome the soundtrack to Fast Five is and how much I want to dance.

I'm getting the hang of this grocery shopping thing. Really struggled there for a min.
And I really need to get on purchasing a laptop, it would eliminate a lot of travel time.
I went to my new ward last Sunday. It was good, but I have a hard time making new friends, just something I have to keep working on I suppose. I could also help myself by maybe GOING to the activities but I guess it just feels "single"-and I'm not.

Which reminds me.. AGAIN. I need to get some picture of us. We're a BOMBSHELL couple if you ask me. Speaking of bombshells.. I went and saw my 2nd family the other night. I was feeling really..somewhere else. Needed some solid ground to stand on that I knew wasn't going to shake me around or throw me for a loop. I'm not sure how other people's families work. In mine I have 4 parents and 23 siblings. We know how to have a good time. You definitely WANT to be considered a part of my family, it's an elite clan of the most amazing people in the world, with the biggest hearts (and stomachs) in the entire world. Huge parties, catching up and cracking jokes, children everywhere, a roaring fire and friendships that will last a lifetime. There are few things I love more then sitting up on the hill and looking down at my family spending quality time together and enjoying a warm summers night-mossies and all. I'll need to get some pictures of that also. I haven't been good on pictures lately.

I've been thinking about my family nonstop lately and how they really are my best friends. I'd rather spend time with them over anyone else any day of the week and I love that we all feel the same. This morning as I sat on the guard chair and looked down at the wee 8th graders swimming around in the pool I thought about WHY I was thinking about my family so much.
A couple weeks ago I met someone. He was confident enough to leave his number at one of my tables one afternoon. I couldn't read the name but thought to myself "what in the world have I got to lose by contacting this person?"-so I did right then.

Even though I did end up losing something, I've learned a lot of things from him. And most of it reminds me of how lucky I am to have grown up the way I did, with the family I did, and with all the opportunity I did. He comes from a different situation. He talks about his friends the way I talk about my family. The impression I've gotten is that he didn't really HAVE family, so he made his friends just that. I admire that, and I'm very happy for him-but I'm happier that my FAMILY became my FRIENDS rather than the other way around. As great as I know my friends are, and as much as I love them with the deepest parts of my heart I know that NONE OF THEM will ever love me, or be as aware of my self interest as my family will. I have that to count on. I have that security.

I wonder about his security.
He makes me wonder about a lot of things.

I believe people enter and leave your life for a reason, every single time. I don't believe in coincidence or happenstance, I believe in purpose. I can't see exactly what the meaning of this friendship is or will be but I can honestly say he's amazing. And has turned out to be a very good friend, even with our many differences and expectations. He talks a lot. I wish he'd let me talk more, I have a lot more to say.

And I've realized I have a lot more blessings to be aware of then I am currently.
My family.
Talisa leaves for Germany tomorrow, for an entire month. I'm so excited for her! She's not nervous at all and I envy that. No way was I that confident at 15 years old. What a rockstar.

-changing over laundry-

Really happy these days.
Feeling a lot of love.
And can feel myself beginning to give a lot more love.

Cute moment last night. He took me to a movie (he has a thing for movies) and then we came back to my apartment. Talked, snuggled, etc. When it came time for him to leave (because THIS time he made sure I followed curfew-I totally cheated last time) I started tying the strings to his hood together. He lifted my chin and said "You always do that when you don't want me to leave". I looked up and saw him biting his lip. I said "And YOU always do THAT when you want to stay". We both just laughed. Sighs.

One day.
It's gonna happen.
:D

Went to Texas Roadhouse for the first time today. It was really good. But I ate to much and threw everything up when I got home. It was weird. I also ended up just tossing the leftovers I brought home. What a waste. Ugh. And now I'm at my parents house waiting for my laundry to dry and for Talisa to get home, so I can head back to my apt for yoga with Jonester. Parker's having a bonfire tonight, I need to purchase Nicole's present and I need to find someone to cover for me tomorrow night so I can GO to her party.

Looking forward to an early night tonight, after a really long hot soothing shower. I've got these really sexy dark circles underneath my oculars because of all the all nighters or almost-all-nighters, and my hair is in need of a professional trim. I try and do it myself but I sucker out because I have this THING with my hair. Maybe I'll just have mum do it.

Joni was telling me about a graduation trip to Australia she wants to take. I'm so glad she wants me to come with her-I love Australia and definitely don't get over there often enough. I miss THAT family. It's hard to be close with them, maybe that's why it's almost overcompensated for here... but I don't really see it that way. The movie we went to last night took place in Thailand. It made me miss it.

Travel bug may be making it's stealthy appearance.
The upcoming camping trip should stay some of the angst.
And Vegas with Jasmin (that trip is gonna be hella clean)
Annual Lagoon trip with Meggae

sucka.fish.

540

2011-05-24T08:33:00.000-07:00

Things just became more serious.
It's ironic because it's come at a time when I feel the least deserving of something so great.
But, I am also trying to stop feeling that way, and just work on fixing the things that have been screwed up and working hard to move forward.

I have to keep reminding myself that everyone has set backs. Everyone makes mistakes.
I just want to shut off everyone else, he kind of matters the most.
So here we go.

Saving Abel Mississippi Moonshine

2011-05-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

Obsessed with Saving Abel

539

2011-05-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I'm going back to college.
Checkin' out tech schools.

538

2011-05-16T10:53:00.001-07:00

Sometimes all you want to do is cuddle up on the couch and forget how much of a screw up you are. We chatted and watched a couple movies, then he shared some new music with me. Adelita's Way-life saving material. It's too bad he's a crispy critter (Sidenote-if you're white, wear sunscreen. This is basic stuff people), so I couldn't get too close. :(

Kinda feels like everything is going wrong, but really only one thing is wrong.
But that one thing is REALLY wrong.
And I just don't think I'll get over this.

It happens. I close up for a couple weeks, go underground, try to deal with myself and then hopefully come back into the world a little more functional and put together.
It's my fault.
It's all my fault.

I deserve what happens next.

537

2011-05-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

A little update:

All moved into my new place.
A RICKA RICKA WHAT!?
It's awesome, but I feel like I live there by myself. I'm not complaining, but it would be cool to hang out with the other girls that are paying to live there also. I guess their kinda like me though; in that summers are times to put your nose to the grind and crank out the cash.
Once my 2nd and 3rd job start things will feel a little better.
Bike is serviced. Can put Oscar in storage for a few months and save some cash.
Savannah's is slowly but surely starting to pick up, plus we've got some new fantastic staff.

I'm losing weight. A lot because I've picked up the running and working out, and also I think the move had me stressed out. Oh, and the part where I haven't really bought any food because I don't know how the girls system works. I have breakfast foods though!

Been loving the sunshine.
BEEN LOVING THE SUNSHINE.
Loving it.
A lot.
Did I mention how wonderful the sunshine has been.

Found myself in a crazy situation the other night.
3am, 4 cop cars, DUI and tickets for going 140 mph through the canyon.
No, it wasn't me who was speeding, or drinking.
Super ghetto though.

But I have slept at my apt for the last 2 nights IN A ROW which is a record since for the first week I lived there-I didn't actually sleep there. I slept through my alarm this morning so missed church. At home doing laundry.

536

2011-05-11T10:03:00.001-07:00

One of these nights I'm actually going to have to sleep in the room I'm paying for.
Haven't yet.
Feel like a little girl in this world of big bad men.
But the crazy is still beginning to make it's appearance.
It was only a matter of time. Right?

535

2011-05-05T08:40:00.000-07:00

I couldn't ever be in sales.
Saturday is looming and I haven't done anything to pack up my stuff.
Just sounds like a big, noisy, messy move.
But I'll have access to a hot tub.
Can't find my bike.

Fefe Dobson - Can't Breathe

2011-05-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

534

2011-05-04T15:43:00.000-07:00

Summer is coming. It's official because the tan lines are official.

Happy 5 month anniversary for me and him.
Yes. It's true. 5 months ago, on this day, I let the poor man kiss me. :D
{Best first kiss ever.} Short, light, sweet.

I just realized I don't have a single picture of the 2 of us.
Should maybe work on that.........

Tonight Shirley and I are getting make overs.
I don't know much about Mary Kay but I know much about Habitat for Humanity so the whole competition is pretty exciting. And yeah, even though I don't wear much make up it'll be cool to learn more about it, and yes... free things are always awesome.

Also. I want bangs. Like Fefe Dobson.

533

2011-05-03T19:55:00.000-07:00

So Dustin is basically the man.
It's true that I barely studied for the exam, I think the only part I was worried about was the matching (and why matching is on a final exam in college I can't really explain). So I woke up super early and headed into school to do some last minute cramming. Turns out I didn't really need to.

He decided to make it an open book test! So if I wasn't going to get an A anyways.... I definitely got an A. My grades are looking really good this semester. One more final to go.

Three "A's" and an"A-" is what I'm thinking will happen. Super exciting.
Zack loved my final art project.
Went on an awesome run up around SV hill.
I found Nicolita on FB, definitely would LOVE to hit up China this summer.
And some guy left his number on a napkin for me to find at work tonight.

Pretty good day.
Sore and exhausted.

532 {sometimes}

2011-05-02T22:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes:

Sometimes your impulsive and decide to buy silverware that 1) has knives with NO serrated edges, and 2) when you didn't even bother to find out FIRST if you even HAD to buy silverware.

Sometimes you have to take an extra trip into town to make some returns.

Sometimes you think that the best way to break in your new shoes is to run 6 miles.

Sometimes you get "new shoe" blisters and kinda dislike that you made it 6 miles instead of a reasonable 3.

Sometimes instead of studying for an exam-that you have at 930am-you find yourself outside on the grass drooling whilst napping on a sun absorbent blanket with your canines.

Sometimes you wake and find that you just MISS someone. And you want someone to just sit and talk with about all the things that matter most to you.

Sometimes that means calling someone that you previously had decided to wait on, to call you back.

Sometimes that person answers, and you're happy for a moment.

Sometimes after several days of trying to make some major decisions in your life, you realize that you're about to be on the rag, and are in no shape what so ever to make rational decisions-as much as you might want to, or think that you can-

Sometimes you go and hang out with someone that's been a good experience in your life, and you're still pretty happy.

Sometimes that person pays you a compliment, the kind that matters most.

Sometimes you stay for a couple of hours chatting and watching YouTube videos, and even though you don't care about Zombies or gore you care about the person so you keep being animated and interested, but that's kind of the way you are.

Sometimes it gets late but you don't really want to leave, or stay, as much as you just want to RUN away and never look back.

Sometimes you linger and enjoy some affection with someone who taught you things like "smile and wave!" and you laugh hysterically because things get silly.

And sometimes you know you're pushing limits and that ultimately it will lead to a mistake.

Sometimes you make a mistake.

Sometimes you talk about it, wrap things up, set a date, then head on home to get a good nights sleep.

And sometimes before going to bed, to get things out of your head, you make some killer hot chocolate and lose yourself in Hulu Reality TV (something that involved cooking)

Sometimes it helps for a second.

Sometimes you remember you have a 930 exam that you STILL haven't really done much studying for, suddenly feel exhausted and head to bed.

Sometimes it's like this, a lot.

531

2011-04-29T07:20:00.000-07:00

Nervous.

530

2011-04-27T22:05:00.001-07:00

I really want him to enter his story in an upcoming contest.
And I really want MYSELF to enter it also.

I'm realizing (this is something I tend to realize over and over again depending on where I am in life) that I really don't have anything to lose by putting myself out there. But I might just have everything to gain.

I haven't received a call about the summer job I was planning on.
But I feel as though something else could be in the works (and truth be told I think the ending of this summer tradition will be one that's invigorating-hoping that by not working there maybe some of the "high school" that's still left in me will leave for good-what I mean is, I still feel stuck somewhere between 18-19. I just want to be a grown up)

Thinking about buying life insurance. Been looking at a couple different options and it's just such a good idea in this economy to start at a younger age. And I may have found one that's affordable for me. Pretty exciting stuff. And that sounds very grown up-which is what I'm going for. So I have a couple resumes to drop off at different places, and hopefully some money comes rolling in from all these contest I've entered (feeling really good about my chances)

Sighs.
Wanting to sell my car for some money also. Which reminds me, I need to get my bike serviced for summer. And someone at school wants to buy my charcoal final from me. They even said I should make some copies- that was pretty rad-not gonna lie. Thinking about what other things I can sell-work hopefully picks up, but I can't count on a commission job.

Wow. Life.

529 {another toast}

2011-04-26T19:13:00.000-07:00

He told me he was "original". And I totally agreed.
And then he told me he "tried really hard" to BE original.
And yeah, I agreed again.

I'm writing about it, so obviously I've been thinking about it.
For a few minutes (later) I wondered if there was anything that made me original. I spun through likes and dislikes, what gets me going, what doesn't, my belief system-the things I know, the things I question.. it was then the thought stopped.

My every thought could line up with the other 7 billion people on the planet and it wouldn't bother me ( and I really believe it). I'm the opposite of Alex. He told me he was trying to find "his people". Eccentric, really different, whatever things about him make that way-or he thinks make him that way- and that he "couldn't find them". I don't think I actively search for "my people"-probably because I'm unoriginal and as far as I can tell (when it really comes down to it) most of the people I know, fit that description perfectly, hence, I have many people. And the plus is I don't have to "try hard" to "find them".

I think that's something awesome; that me and all my unoriginal friends can have an original time together without trying so hard.

So here's to be unoriginal, it changes lives.