620

So I cannot wait until this baby is out of me. I mean don't get me wrong, I know the REAL hard work will begin once she's out and I have to do more to take care of her, but oh my goodness to be able to work out the way I want to, to lost the initial 15lbs that happens with birth, to feel a little less pressure on my frame-man. I am so excited.

When I did ultimate loser at SARC, it took me 3 months to lose 30 lbs. I'm hoping I can do this over the summer, and maybe even quicker since I'm planning on breast feeding (you burn up to 500 calories more than if you don't). If I can't do it in 3, I'm pushing for 5. I just wanna run.

And I'm hoping to plan a trip sometime in September to head down to Vegas for a little vacation. I'm not sure who will come with me. Maybe Emily? Maybe Joni? I don't know but I really just want to get away for awhile, eat some good food, have some good times, and feel like me again.

I am going to be a hot mom.

Or maybe I want to go camping for a few days, cook out doors, bathe in a river, do something like that which I really love. Not sure, but I've got some big plans for the summer.

619

Had a fun moment last night washing and drying the dishes with Cristian.
We're freaking hilarious, and I love our house-except that there is now a spider living in our bathroom that Cristian won't kill. He claims that it's "not hurting anything"-yeah...ok... So help me that sucker is going to die today. I'll do whatever it takes lol.

618

Yesterday Cristian came with me to feed the ducks.
I keep thinking about it.
It was awesome.


It was a small moment, but it made me so happy.
Sighs.
I love him.

617

It is a beautiful sunny day, and I really need to find something to put my time into since I'm still waiting to hear back from a few jobs. Kinda going crazy just being at home waiting for the next time Cristian's going to come home hungry. However, I am getting better at timing his lunch better for him so he doesn't have to worry about doing any of the actual cooking on his break. And he's eating everything that I'm putting in front of him which I thought would be a problem. He's very encouraging- I found myself a good one :D

So I dunno. Maybe I'll wander around the shops a little bit, take some bread to my friends the ducks, and then by then have some kind of project I can put some time and energy into. Maybe go for a walk with Nicole-get some nice fresh air. It really is gorgeous outside.

Still need to find a mattress that we can both sleep on and rest comfortably. I need to start putting together something for him for Valentines Day, and I need to withdraw from school cause there's simply no way I can do it- at least that's what I'm finding right now. I am going to start taking Spanish classes at the community center because I want our baby to be bilingual...and I can't really help out much with that if I don't know much myself- and he's been speaking in spanish to me. It's weird. I can understand most of what he says.. but I can't respond- we'll keep working on it.

616

Hey, I'm married now :D

After all the stress and planning... and crying over the stress and planning the ceremony finally happened. And what an absolutely perfect day it was :D. Sure there was rain and snow which kept a lot of people from being able to make it due to canyon weather, and yeah it didn't go EXACTLY the way I imagined it.. but it was better. I'm so grateful for all the people that helped make my day as special as it was. The flowers, decorations, music selection, toasts, friends, etc... I've never been so happy in my entire life. Or as tired lol.

I was so nervous to walk down the aisle-thank goodness my daddy was there for me to hold onto, and seeing Cristian up there all done up in his suit and looking good helped calm me down as I made my way to the front. And yes, he almost started crying when he saw me in my dress all dolled up and beautiful. He couldn't stop staring, and neither could I. I can't remember any of what my daddy said before the actually exchanging of rings..I'm sure it was beautiful though. I thought he would be all nervous and stuttering when it came to vows and saying I do- but the truth is I've never heard him sound more sure of anything since we've been together. Looked me dead in the eye, gripped my hands and said those precious little words. I told myself I wouldn't cry..so I didn't.. but the tears were there when I said them to.

Michael was such a star also. "Cannon" on the way in, and then "Dawn" from Pride and Prejudice during the signing of the license and walking out. It was beautiful, and we both couldn't stop smiling.

It was wonderful to see everyone that could come, and I'm so glad I had all my sisters there to help me with my dress, hair, and veil. Sighs... I am very blessed. Pictures, the dinner, and the cutting of the cake were all a blurr but I will never forget the best man's toast, my sister Jasmin's toast or the one that Cristian gave to me. I've never heard such nice things said about me, and yes I got all choked up.

The dance wasn't too successful but.. whatever.

And when it came time to sneak out of there I started sobbing as I told my parents goodbye and thank you. My family has helped me through so much the last couple of months.. not just with this wedding but with this new experience of being pregnant and anticipating motherhood. I hope one day I'm just as good or close to what my parents have been for me... for my children- starting with Violet who's due in just 4 MONTHS!!


I would write more...
...but I'm overwhelmed.


What a good day. :D

615

I hate the world today.

I have a million things to do and I can't bring myself to do any of it.
I can't deliver these announcements.
I can't take my ring in to get it resized.
I can't make him dinner tonight.
I can't clean my parents house though I know I should.
I can't do anything today.

I just wanna sleep.
I'm trying not to shut down...
..but it feels like my power is going out.

614

So.... I dunno.
Haven't slept well in days.

613

Almost done moving, just gotta move my bed.
Sighs.
Exhausted.

612

Went and looked around for a mattress today.
Dang, their expensive. I think I always knew that but I've never actually had to buy one. And we're in pretty big need of one. I can't sleep on the mattress that we've got. I wake up with a really sore back- course a lot of that is also because I'm pregnant and my hips are widening. It helps if I put a blanket or another pillow in between then, but not that much.

I told him I could just take the bed from my apartment and set it up (temporarily) in our living room but for some reason he has some real issues with that idea. It would only be until we purchase or found another one. Sighs.

Printing starts on Monday and hopefully doesn't take that long since we're really behind as far as putting those things together. Jan 21st is right around the corner and we still have a lot to figure out. Who knew it would take this freaking long to get everything done.... not me that's for sure...

I go in on Wednesday to find out the gender of the baby, and in the meantime Cristian found a 2nd job working at a sushi bar. I think he enjoys it. I would feel much better if I could find something to. It would be nice to have some extra income and to not feel like such a leech.. but I guess that's probably how it's going to be for a min.

I have an opportunity to go to China in May. And I know I have a job for sure here in May if I want it. Just need to get certified in a few things, fill out the online application is February, and then count on Scott to put a good work in for me with Dan. But I'm not to worried.... I've got the job. Just not for a min.

Also. This is weird but I think my doctor got my due date wrong. I was doing the math and it works out that I would be due April 24th.. not May 24th. Guess we'll discuss that at my next appointment... kinda awkward.




Can't wait to get back in shape.

611

Our announcements are almost finished and they look amazing!
Joni truly is an artist genius. I definitely think she managed to capture "me" in the layout.
Pretty excited about it. I love how feminine and awesome they look! And that there's purple..

LOVE me some purple.
Very happy about that.
Now for printing.....

610

Hhhhhhh.....

oh dear.

609

Happy Christmas Eve!!
I've got Cristian's pressies all put together- now if only my eye will stop swelling so I can go and chill with his family for a bit.


Hhh..
I love Christmas.

608

Kind of hate today. It started off with Cristian showing me a stupid 9gag picture he knew would bother me. He just doesn't get that I don't have that broad of a sense of humor lately, and anything that makes me feel insecure isn't going to make me laugh. It's only going to make me cry and run away. So that's basically what's going on. I have my bridal shower tonight and I feel like trash. Been crying all day, and trying to sleep so I'll stop crying. And I just don't know how I'm going to get through the next 2-3 hours smiling and pretending everything is okay and I'm one very happy bride.

Thinking about it kind of makes me want to throw up.

Need some space and time away.
And there's a small part of me that wants to throw everything in the bag, give up on all the things we've got planned and start with nothing. Nothing and nowhere is a familiar place, and one with which I can always improve on. Things can't get much worse once you're at the bottom so why not just put myself there for awhile then try to rebuild to where I once was instead of fighting all the things that want to bury me in this dark ominous hole. Perhaps it's twisted logic but most things are twisted right now.

I don't know if anything I feel about my situation is normal, because I have no one to talk to about my situation. No one can relate. No one can possibly understand. And I myself am tired of thinking about it and wanting to talk about it. I don't know if it's hormones speaking, or something else but I'm hot then cold, happy then sad, sure then doubtful. It's never just one thing that stays for awhile. In one day I experience the entire spectrum of human emotions and then I can't sleep at night to follow up every day that feels like an episode.

And now my mother's bothering me about how I should look happier because they're throwing this party for me.. and "shouldn't I find a top that says something more about how happy I am?"

Fuck.

607

Finished up some Christmas shopping. Daddy's gonna LOVE his present and hopefully what Talisa and I picked out for Jasmin is good as well. Steph and Bean are covered and now I have to worry about Cristian and this shower tomorrow. Announcements should be ready by the first week of January and things are coming together. Hopefully his parents get out here on Thursday like we've planned to go over everything and man.. am I exhausted.

Mom wants me to go and try on a dress because nothing is fitting anymore, but I'm t sad to tell her that I can't go into clothing stores right now without bursting into tears because I can't stand this baby bulge. I know I"ll be happy in the long run but I can't wear any of the pretty things I used to, and I'm afraid to try on.. ANYTHING because it might result in a meltdown.

I have this thing with my body image, and having a baby bulge really isn't working for me at the moment. Plus its Christmas so I feel as though I'm eating more than I usually would... even though I'm probably not and I have to take baths daily to take away some of the aching that's coming up. Man. I have lots to complain about. But there are good things to. Cristian's finally getting serious about the job situation.. to bad it had to start happening a month before we're married...

But hopefully something turns out. Tomorrow is the shower which should be fun and my daddy, brother, Cristian and maybe Allen and Ray are all going out to dinner and Mission Impossible 2 for "guys night". I'm glad he's spending time with my family.. it means the world to me. I need to get a body pillow, and start using another pillow to help my back-it's starting to get sore because my hips are widening.. oh pregnancy lol.

Ready for a bath, and maybe a small nap before I head home for the night.

606

Wow, we got a lot done today, and hopefully it results in some employment for both of us.
I sat down to write something important but now I can't remember what.
That's awesome.




WAIT!
I remembered, just now.
So I'm kind of into photography. I took a couple classes in highschool and college and have entered a few contests (I've never won any of them though) but then I got a call today which sort of changed that. A friend of mine is writing a book, and he wants to use one of my landscape pics as the cover for it. He sent it to me with the date of the book and everything on it and I must say it looks awesome!
So um... my photography is going to be on a book cover for which I shall be paid and maybe become famous for lol. I don't really care about that, but I'm excited that I'll get to see it on something published and awesome :D

Good things happening.

605

He rubs people the wrong way, he's picky, and inappropriate... but he's charming and passionate and I love him.

604

Alright.
Last night it all finally came together. Got together with my parents and Cristian and planned out the wedding- everything! So I can finally stop worrying about things and starting putting it together. I like the way we laid it out-mostly because it allows for me to have some time in between everything for naps and resting which I know I'm going to need. I hope he's happy with the plan, at 5 months pregnant I'm simply not going to be able to do an all day all night celebration. Me and the baby need to SLEEP. And yes I'm a selfish bride-I'm going to want some alone time with him in between all the friend and family time.

The only thing we have left to decide is the design of our announcements, whose catering and where we're honeymooning. Everything else is set.

Feels good, and I'm finally starting to feel the excitement that any young bride should with her approaching wedding day. Up until last night it was mostly dread and ignoring everything because I couldn't find a way to balance things enough where everyone could find some happiness in my day. Which is ironic because.. it's MY day right. Well, Cristian and I's.

Anyways, that's over and done with.

Christmas is a week away and I haven't been doing anything about that. Christmas shopping this week for sure. Not sure what I'm going to do. What I wanted to do for Cristian simply isn't working out so it might have to be belated.... but I need to put SOMETHING together for the man. All I wanna do though is watch Gossip Girl, Lipstick Jungle and plan my way to Forbes top 50 women.

Had a weird dream last night. All it was, was me running.. just for..exercise. In the dream my heart was pounding so hard but it felt so good to be out in the fresh air and light just running till' I couldn't anymore. I woke up and thought it was real or something- so tomorrow I'm hitting up the gym for a nice long run.

Made sugar cookies.
Want to frost them.

603

Big day ahead- or at least I'm going to make it one.
Really need to get Cristian going on his resume', and I need to check back with a couple places and get my resume' out there also. Although I don't know where considering I've applied absolutely EVERYWHERE in this valley. Might be time to start looking in places like Brigham and Ogden. Just really need a job.

Cleaned up the house yesterday and started putting up decorations-didn't finish. Clothes are in the laundry but I need to stop by WM to get a few things.


I should get off the computer and seize this day.

602

Sorry, but sometimes mom, you're really stupid.
She put her back out this morning and was told to stay in bed for the next couple of days taking pain killers, but instead she stumbles around the house bitching and moaning about how badly her back hurts.


Well no freakin' DUH.
I'm not going to have sympathy for you if you go completely against what the doctor tells you. Don't start crying to me when you screw your back up even more cause seriously.. it's YOUR effing fault.

Need to clean the house today, somehow get the tree upstairs, and decorate the house.. should have done this a long time ago but everyone been going crazy about the wedding. Meanwhile I'm just trying to ignore everything and Cristian's sick.

I HATE THAT.
Ugh... Happy Holidays :D

601

Finished my final paper! And a day early too, don't judge- that's actually quite the accomplishment considering my track record for getting things done this semester. Went and took more engagement pics today and I'm hoping some of them worked out. They were outside so I had to wear my coat- had I known I would have brought a different coat for sure! But hopefully something worked out that we can both be happy with. Went and looked around at cake makers/decorators and I think we've got something figured out. And I gave Cristian till' the end of this week to figure out our job situation so hopefully that just somehow.. comes together.

Went up to the temple today for a little lift and I felt a little better.

My family got their tree tonight so we're spending the evening decorating it, the house, and eating peach penguins in between (they are delicious). Probably should have gone and started boxing up my stuff at the apartment today but...didn't. Maybe tomorrow after I go to Juniper to get an application. I didn't get the photography job which blows.... ugh. Just need to keep pushing through this.

I want to write another short story.
I also want to move to Tahiti.