114

We went cliff jumping/tubing/picnic-ing at Porcupine Dam yesterday afternoon. It was a decent trip. We saw jumping fish, baby tadpoles, jelly worms, found a hoard of fish eggs and a rickety old rope swing. We also saw a water snake! Well. I did. Sarah was to busy shrieking and paddling her guts out to get away from it. I've never met anyone besides her and my mom that are actually, legitimately, afraid of the legless wonder. Pretty entertaining from my side.

The water was the perfect temperature, the sun was bright and brilliant and it felt good to just.. relax. Things have been so.. out of MY control lately. I'm not really talking about with friends and family- there's ALWAYS that. I just mean with me.

My sleeping pattern.
Eating habits.
Progression.
Relationships.
The works.


But things are looking up as my handle on things is getting better.
I have a confession to make. I've been seeing this guy. Manny (pronounced Maunny, because he's French). And he's shown more patience and kindness to me than anyone ever has. And heaps more than I deserve in my unreliable, flighty, and indignant self. It's flattering, and it feels nice to be admired. He wants to take things more seriously. He's ready to find someone to marry and he thinks it's going to be me. And in my head I can see things going that way. I really can. I find myself missing him randomly, or just.. wanting to get to know him better which is all fine and normal... He's the first black man I've really tried being in a relationship with.
And honestly. It scares me.

I don't know how to explain it. I'm not racist. I'm 1/2 African as well. Of course I don't look it, or talk like it. I'm not cultured in that way. When it comes to my culture I'm as white mormon girl as someone can get... and there in lies the problem. I know that I'm taking this way to far, for a relationship that is only just now budding.
I've thought alot about the life I want to live- but even more so about the lives I want my children to live. And I don't want them to have the same experiences I did, regarding my race. I don't want black children, because I know how it was for me growing up... and I don't want them to go through anything like that. Of course if I did end up with them, what would stop be from loving them? Nothing. And I feel terrible bringing this thought up, but I've been thinking about it alot and it was time to write it down somewhere so I could...see better.

Things have gotten better, and I'm not saying that they would be hated, or spat on, or any of things that took place in my growing up here. But it's a possibility... and another honest truth? I've never imagined myself marrying anything but a white man. It's never even crossed my mind that I would ever even... date a black guy. It all sounds racist I'm sure.. but I'm not. That wouldn't make any sense.

My point is:
I don't want to get serious with anyone right now. Things just became to heinous the last time I entered into a relationship. It's all a game. And I'm done playing. That sounds petty, and possibly just STUPID. I know tons of people that love to play "the" game! It's fun and exhilerating. It's a challenge, etc etc etc. I just don't care. I don't like the game. I never have. I can't remember who first told me that dating was fun, but time and experience hasn't made that statement ring true for me. And it could be my own fault. What do I know about what experiences I've made awful for myself, as opposed to the ones that were that way before I even.. knew?
I'm afraid and uncomfortable in this relationship because of where it could lead in the future.
I'm also really starting to appreciate him- which scares me even more.


I don't want this. But it's almost like I don't even have a choice. As though.... I'm being pushed into him because he's into me... If that makes sense. It doesn't feel fair, and I don't feel like I have control over the situation which throws me even more. Don't I get a say in anything anymore?


Dah!

In other, less interesting news, Sarah and I went to see Harry Potter last night. And I enjoyed it quite thoroughly. The music is so different every time it blows my mind. And I thought that they got all the key points across which makes me even more thrilled for the finale. Also I made Australian shaped sugar cookies last night which were delicious if I do say so myself. I chatted with Sabina, and I'm supposed to go down to Provo to spend time with Meggae this weekend. I'm scheduled to work, even though I asked for it off. And I DID have if off but they just change it constantly. I already made these plans though and I've been unreliable to many times. It's not that I make things up and just don't go through with it. I know it comes across that way, but how am I supposed how MY life is to someone that.... doesn't have the same situations I do. Difficult.

I'm feeling sick, and like my neck as whiplash. It's because of the swim meet. I didn't get enough sleep and my daddy is FINALLY home. And I never have any time to spend with him, and we still haven't figured out everything with school and moving out. Also, he works this afternoon. Tori's down because of her car accident and David can't come today to watch Isaac while my mom goes to the doctor. It wouldn't be a big deal but my niece & nephew are here and Talisa has to work. So who does that leave with all the responsibility to make them meals, keep the house from total destruction, and run the show for the weekend.

Me.


But to anyone else outside the situation it just sounds like... blah blah blah I'm unreliable and I lied the whole time about coming down, blah blah blah, flaker, bailer, unresponsible, and inconsiderate blah blah blah.


I guess I can't really change that.

113

I feel dis--jointed. And I can't figure out if it's because of heat exhaustion, work exhaustion, or if really.. I'm just moribund.

Yesterday I got pie on my eyebrow.
Because I was attempting to eat the deliciousness {that my mama made} but was so..overtaxed.. I couldn't locate my awaiting anxious mouth. Hence, dark chocolate and scarlet raspberry above my right baby brown. Oh. And then it slid INTO my eye, hence rendering my eyesight redundant and temporarily abolished.

It was a pretty tragic moment. And slightly painful.
And not one that I would wish on my worst enemy... but maybe one I'd wish on my best friend. That way we could slap each others knees together while guffawing about it when we're both 80 years young and senial. Oh, and partially blind in our right peepers.
Sighs.
What I'd give for a friend like that right now.


Every day ends feeling like it's been a 1,000 years. How's that for melodramatic? But honestly, time has slowed down to an almost stand still, which would sound pretty good if I were doing ANYTHING product. Or fun.

At least I have next year to look forward to. When another year of school will be done. My car paid off, and I'm off and away in Israel. It's all about keeping your eyes on the prize. Right? Right? There's lots of chit chat about eyes in this entry. That's interesting.

There are some good things to think about for the future. I'm ready for something good, new, and fresh to start now though. There's Mannie. That french black guy that I've been dating, who I'm pretty sure is wanting to steer in the serious direction. Problem is I'm skeptical. And I'm not ready to fall in love any time soon because being proposed to twice and not having it work out has left me feeling pretty unstable, overly cautious, discouraged, immature, and slightly weepy.

I'm feeling pretty good about being on my own where I have control. And he's a nice guy that's fun to hang out with and talk to so that's alright. I've told him I don't want anything serious but sometimes I don't think he listens to me. I guess I should think about THAT aspect a little more but I simply don't have time.
Just like I don't have time to shave my legs or pluck my cave man eyebrows anymore.


I told Kenzie off today.
I couldn't help it. It was time for something to be said, I'm on my monthlies and being out in the sticky sun this morning didn't help my already bad mood.
I'm being vague but she went off on a tagent about how I need to respect her.

I told her I couldn't do that. I can't force myself to like or respect someone. Everything she does I would do different. And her snotty power trip skit is getting pretty old. But I told her that I would come to work and do what she tells me to do ( which consists of her decided which chair I start on) and that she can pretend like that means I respect her ( oh, and that she can tell everyone that I DO respect her), but really what it all comes down to is that this is my job- for the summer- and I'll do what I have to in order to stick it out until September. I don't think she liked that very much. But at least it shut her up and got her off of Mally's back.

Stupid git.

This coming Saturday I finally have date with David. That I can actually go on. Poor guy. He's asked 5 times and every time work or another something silly gets in the way. We're tubing the river which is ALWAYS a good time.
It's about time to cut my hair.
And I'm thinking about Lasik.


Tonight I'm supposed to be spending some time with Nicole and Emily- which would be good because I haven't seen them for about a month because of work. And 2 because I really just need a good laugh that won't turn into a sob fest.

I got tickets to go see Harry Potter this week so that's something good to look forward to as well.
And my dogs eye is getting better. I still can't believe he had a thorn under his third eye lid.
That's it for now.
Time for another nap.

112

I have pie on my eyebrow.
And that basically sums up my day.

111

My logging has become so scattered. I hate that. I loathe being inconsistent, but I suppose that's how most things in my life are going right now. Yeah. That word basically sums the whole sha-bang up.
One big inconsistent heap of life. Sounds delicious right?

I don't really know where to begin. That's something I really dislike also. No starting point... because there's truckloads to express. Part of me wants to curl up in a ball and wait for death (or relief). The stress has been killer, combine that with lack of sleep; I'm being pushed over the edge. And the other part of me is H&E [ happy and excited] because there are lots of really POSITIVE things taking place.

Work. Honestly. That's not the part that's getting me. I enjoy being employed. I enjoy the security. I love to people watch. And frankly some of the funniest moments in history take place at work. The other day this fat kid ( and I wouldn't mention that he was fat unless I honestly thought he weighed more than 300-400 lbs. OH, and because the number of times he'd take a step wasn't proportionate to the number of times he BOUNCED. And I'd say he was about 13 yrs old) started screaming at the top of his lungs that he was hungry. "I'M HUNGRY! AHHHHH!!!". I thought my gut was going to bust, but then he took it to another level. He somehow clammered out of the pool without breaking himself, or the silver ladder, plopped down and started doing some kind of [{[{[jiggly wiggily]}]}] dance while yelling the same thing. His parents just looked at him, eyes closed, shaking their heads as if to say "Why us?". It was pretty funny, especially because I could the guard across the way shaking with intense laughter also.


Pretty spesh.
And it made my day.
That and when Jadon sent a huge Somaon guy down the slide to be caught at the bottom by tiny Whitney. It's only funny because she didn't get killed when he came shooting out at the bottom. It was still funny to watch the slide sway to and frow with the weight and speed of him solid body. And her looking up the tube nervously. Sighs. good times.

It's all good. There just isn't time for anything else. David has asked me out 3TIMES and I haven't been able to go any time because of work. Meggae wants me to come down and visit (and I've been DYING to see her), but work keeps getting in the way. I want to go to Jamie's reception but I have to work 14 hour days around it and I don't think that I can squeeze that in anywhere. It's taking over my life. And by the time work is done at around 10 I'm so tired that I don't even want to do anything with Sarah, or Nicole, or anyone. I just want to come home, and lay in my bed. Read a book, watch a movie. Or just sit until I fall asleep and do it all over again.


But I can't stop.
Not with all the stuff I gotta pay for.
What a vicious cycle.


P&M [piss and moan] right?
That's all that is.


Steph and bean are here which is pretty wild, except that I'm not playing my role as "Auntie" very well because I'm never home to spend time with them. And when I AM home I'm just tired and grumpy, not wanting to spend time with ANYONE.
Bean and I are going to feed the ducks today though, in between work times which should be good.

School starts sooner than I'd like it to. I just can't get excited. I've got to talk to Dustin about working 1 day a week at Elements (ps. my knives finally arrived)- and then maybe more once school starts and when my job at the pool ends. I've started paying off my car which is exciting. I'm going to look into a house to move into in August Saturday morning with Karrie. Sounds really tight. I'm going river boarding in 2 weeks and I've got midnight showing tickets to Harry Potter so I'm basically freaking out about that (though I wish you were coming Nicole).

Sarah's birthday is coming up and I know EXACTLY what I'm going to make her. (No mention here though in case she reads this randomly). And I've been talking to Gina about visiting her in Korea at the beginning of August. We'll just have to see how things go I suppose. I SHOULD have enough money, but who knows... I never know...


That's about all I have time for now.
Back to life.

110

Wow. It's been a sucky week.
Lots of hours.
Not enough alone time.
I'm about to be on my monthlies (which blows)
And I think I've suddenly become lactose intolerant.


Dag.

109

115 degrees- not including the heat index.
THICK humidity.
Overwhelming "Texan" pride.

.. oh. And family.
Huh.


BFVe (Best Family Vacation. ever)

The bona fide' truth: I have absolutely NO idea where to begin.

Let's start with Oscar.

Oscar. You've got me moaning your beautiful name.
My gratitude and fiery love { no. PASSION} for him has increased 100 times over. Washington {state}- to Texas- and back to the homeland in a little under 3 weeks. Not one mishap, glitch, or hinderance. His performance was ACES and worthy of all different kinds of applause [[fast & slow]]. Thanks for being such a man. I had my 'skeptical face' on, because of all the distance that he executed the week before I made him mine- they were ridiculous, petty, and I feel guilty for my doubts.

I hereby promise to take care of you.
I'm off to a good start.
A full service { & tire rotation}, car wash and wax. Ahh.. Muah!

Daddy started off the 'pimp" trip with a few good leper jokes. (!!!)
I know.. I know. My jaw dropped and my oculars almost pip-popped out of their scoops when this particular event was brought full throttle, into my face. Who knew daddy had this risque' side to him? My overwhelming awe and "respect factor" for him was pumped up and up and up the duration of the trip.
It only began with the leper jokes. (Oh, and those of you wanting "in" on the gut busting, smile-splitting wise cracks- hit me up- and I'll hit you back :D)
It was then continued with one of his life experiences involving him hitch hiking across Australia (2000 miles) just "for the fun of it." [[I think... no I need to follow in his foot steps concerning this particular adventure. I will.]]
And ended (at least on the trip) with him stopping off in Wyoming to stock up on illegal - but purely awesome-fireworks.

It was a dream come true- this family reunion. Because we've never had one (being loners in the USA gets kinda hard) and I've always wanted to be able to say that.. I've been to one. Call it small and stupid, but my dream came true. And more.
The excursion south was lengthy, taking about 3 [[[days]]]. I suppose we could have cut it shorter. But we had to stop along the way; play in National Parks, take some memorable photos, and all the random pit {armpit} stops in between. Spending time with ma' sibs peeled open my eyes to their lives, the things they're going through, and the ways that we find joy in one another. I'd trip it up with them any day!! They all have exceptional taste in music { and yes... this is extremely important}, easy going personalities, and knee slapping humor.

You babes..... are babes! yeah!

We loved New Mexico. And I thoroughly enjoyed the Texas weather.
I wouldn't live there. Ever. But it was a great experience. And I would go back to visit.

Things we did:
--Tubed down the Guadalupe River {5 hours. And those Texans take their tubing seriously. There were boom boxes, coolers chockablock full of food, camper chairs, etc.}
--Schlitterbahn Water Park {5 different parks, buses to take to each of them. 5 story high water slides. And one that defies gravity by flowing UP. and yes. I wrote that right.}
--Antique Stores {ahhhh! Tori Olsen! Babe! I thought of you the whole time I ran rampant in that glorious little shop! the 1800's brush and mirror set blew my mind. The black and white photos, old 10 spin phones, keys from the 30's. Sweet bliss!}
--the Alamo {remarkable! Too bad we couldn't take pics inside. Ha ha! We did get one though...}
--White Sands National Park {like a dream. Sledding down 40ft high sand dunes was incredible!}
--Mesa Verde' {even more like a dream. Anasazi ruins, ladder tours, and more!}
--IMAX theatres { intense cinemtography and ear splitting surround sound}
--Fabulous food {BBQ from here to high heaven}

Visiting Jasmin and Ben was wonderful! We did brain teasers, played "Wise or Otherwise", busted out the dance moves and sang, an untouchable lunch, AND a good dose of sacrament.

The journey home was a struggle. Not because there was any contention or conflict- but entire exhaustion from all the FF [family.fun.}. I can't count (1, 15, 7, 2) how many times we had to change drivers, stop and do jumping jacks, and the endless chinese fire drills. We finally made it though.

Post vacation life is hard. Boo hoo right?

All the money to take care of Oscar ( though I don't regret it one bit.)
Figuring out my work schedules and getting back into it [gross].
Laundry
Matt's letter [how to respond?]
Moving out
More school stuff
Friends
Ugh.

I almost got sick when I pulled up my Facebook account and had about 16 messages in my inbox. 10 friend requests (which I deleted. shrugs.) and people to respond to. In fact when I first looked I just turned my computer off not wanting to even BEGIN sifting through all of it.
I'll get to everything eventually.
I'm just not ready to stop having fun.

108

Texan Chelsea is back- but with nothing to say at this particular moment.
Once I unpack, run my errands, service Oscar, and accomplish all other things post vacation.. a huge BUTT entry will certainly be in the works.

It was a pretty chaotic 10 days.