129

I'm about to go to the Dentist. It's like Christmas in my heart. I LOVE the dentist.
Pay day tomorrow.

(later.ish)

oh, don't worry. The dentist was awesome and my teeth are perfect! I've been on a winning streak since the day I was born and I plan on keeping that the rest of my life. Thank you parents for pressing upon us the importance of good dental care! And for feeding us flouride regularly. We LOVE you... and so do our teeth.

Right now, things are about me. And I don't think that's such a bad thing considering the circumstances. He doesn't make me want to be better. He makes me angry. All the time. He doesn't make me feel good about myself.. he's always pushing blame on me and the guilt trips never stop. He doesn't make me feel good about who I am, he makes me feel like a child. And I guess it's all those things that have led me to this conclusion: It's not worth it. (thanks wisteria for asking me that question, it put things into perspective for me)

And all of a sudden I can breathe.

128

Old people drive me crazy. Yeah, I said it.
And everything that's happened this last week makes sense because I found out that Derrick.. .the guy that has my fate in his hands.. is a good 85 years old. Oh, and also. He's retired.. he just comes back for the summers to teach 3 advanced geography courses.

I finally managed to speak with him. After sending him numerous emails and spending countless minutes (at least it's not hours) outside that blasted office door. Tami finally gave me his home phone. Did I call? You best believe it! Did it accomplish anything? Not in the least because he couldn't hear me even though I was basically shouting into the phone. He didn't understand what I was asking him to do for me. And we left on an uncertain note because I'm more than 90% positive that he didn't write down my email that right way. Oh. and I'd be surprised if he even knew how to DO email.

So where is this getting me? Nowhere. Nowhere. Nowhere. That word looks funny if you keep writing it. Nowhere.
I'm making Daddy call him tonight.. because I can't do this anymore. How many times can you try and get a hold of somebody before the whole thing becomes obsolete, stupid, pointless, and wasteful? Well it's like that now. So daddy, I'm handing the reigns over to you.

Old people.
(sighs)

In other news I got my yellow parking pass, turned in my schedule to work, got my schedule for this week, fixed my blasted time card (twice), visited Nicole, ate lunch with Sarah, washed my bedding, cleaned my room (again). Few more things to do:

Swimming
Clean car/ car wash (maybe)
reassemble bed
Do actual laundry
call daddy (about derrick)
get $950 out of the bank
tithing
email Coach
.. and some other odds and ends... like finding another job. I'm glad I have Elements to fall back on. That much is good. But I'd really like something closer to campus, and something that I enjoy a little more. So uh.. I'll do that inbetween all the other junk I've got going on. And if THAT fails, I'll end up house cleaning and doing recpet care for me madre'. Yes yes yes.. indeed.


Today is the 10th. Which means things are going to get better here in about a week. But until then, it's all about survival. Ah yeah

127

Mmm mm mmmm. I love me my Sunday's.

Alright. I've started drawing again. (gasps) I really enjoy doing it, but for some reason stopped. It might simply have been because I lost my beloved art pencils, or because my inspiration died after my heart died 2 years ago. But it's back, and I'll be posting some awesomeness soon. Also, my picture that I drew for Meggae is very nearly complete. Alls I gotta do (besides aquire some kind of grammar skills) is touch it up, find a proper frame and send it her way.

I hope she likes it. It's funky, and kinda seussical. And it's of "us" so.. Triple security on the BAM factor. I don't think anyone ever really knows what I'm talking about. But it's fun for me, so I suppose that when it comes to my blog that's all that REALLY matters. Right? It's ok. I don't think anyone reads this anymore anyways.

So. Yeah. I don't know.
I bought myself a portable DVD player so I don't have to deal with Victoria and her stupid friends coming over everytime I wanna relax. So now my room is finally decked out with all that a "need".. except a hot tub.... Everything about my room... is... calm and secure. It's a good feeling.

I don't really have a lot to say. Nothing of any real significance has happened. Me and Manny fought alot this week. Maybe I just mention that because it seems like with all my other "relationships".. we never really fought. Always on our best behavior, good posture, clean teeth.. you get it. But with this I don't think either one of us pretended to be perfect. We never really tried to impress each other by being aggressive in a wierd way.. and it's just different.

We fight like a married couple. Bicker over stupid things. Argue over our different ideas. We don't yell at each other or anything... or get violent. Not at all. It's mostly just stern dicussion and lots of the silent treatment on his end. He thinks he's right... I know I am. Isn't that funny?
I don't really know if it's worth it. I don't have bitter feelings toward him or anything, but he drives me up the walls sometimes and as patient as I am.. sometimes I feel like I'm being driven over the freaking edge...

sighs.

I've got some thinking to do. Because really.. I don't think I'd be that sad if I decided to drop this whole thing. I think I would be indifferent either way. Sad eh? Or awesome? I've never been on this side of the relationship.. the one thinking about ended it. Never never never, and it's much better than being on the other side. Ya know, being dumped or avoided in some way.
Yeah.. this is definitley a step up.

I got really annoyed with Sarah. I think mostly what I need to do is just avoid her when she's on the rag. "Alright! Call me when you're off the rag!" ( <-- name that movie). But really. I think that's what I'm going to start doing because without fail.. every month.. this happens and it sucks being pissed off. both of us.

Stupid cycles.
Work was good. Put in a good 80 hours... so some good money coming my way on friday. I found a coat for winter!! It's purple plaid baby! Mmm, for fake fur on the inside...which I still feel wierd about it but it's super duper warm.. and I'll need it walking around at 7:30 am.. with canyon winds blowing through my bones. I found some awesome yarn boots also... on $32 and I'm buying them on friday.
Still need a backpack, need to buy my books and pay tuition... service my car, get a haircut.. and uh... I'm ready. Yeah!


So now I'm going to go watch "In Her Shoes", eat some food and probably take a Sunday nap.

Sunday's are ballin.

126

One of my better pieces.

125

Text message:

" Yummy! I want some pizza.. and some lips!"

I can relate Meggae because my favorite food is boy.
Always has been. Always will be. And there's nothing anyone can do about that.


And so.
It's only Wednesday. But it's been a long week.
On the plus side I've aquired a few more good leper jokes.. along with some.. questionable... ones. But still- what do ya do?

I'm so bored.

124

My computer had a fit and deleted everything I wrote in this entry. Along with all the pictures that I put up, and frankly.. I can't be bothered to write it again. Just know this. I had an awesome time at Raspberry Days, and so did my counter part Sarah Lynne.

(Sighs)

123 (456)

I
became
so
enraged
I
bit
through
my
own
cheek.
But I didn't utter a word. And that's how it goes.

I've got a lot on my mind. It's not organized in any way. It's all just kind of there. I feel like my head.. no.. my whole body is going to implode and then EXplode because of all the unanswered questions, all the unspoken words, all the desperate emotions I feel radiating from the pit of my slowly shrinking stomach. I could say that it was because I "forgot" to eat dinner tonight, or that my hair is really big and has been floating in and out of my oculars all day. Maybe my music in the car was to loud (yeah right. If anything it wasn't LOUD enough) as I made my way home. Maybe I'm wacked out because I'm not getting to sleep in my own room because we've got family here from Australia. It could be because I ate a piece of pepperoni and I don't handle meat very well.

My skin feels super dry. My eyes hurt and my contacts are blurry from.. something.
Going to a full session of church might be the cause of all this.. turmoil. Who knows right? I could blame it on a lot of things, but the truth is.... that I don't think that it's "blame" I'm looking for. Just reason. Pure & simple. P&S.

Reason.
ReasonS.

These are mine:


Because I'm not mature enough to handle anything serious that involves anyone else.
Because I've never been confident at school, but more then that I've just never felt like UNI is for someone like me. So flighty, and changeable.
Because I feel bad (horrible, stupid, anguished, devastated) about the example I set for my Uncle. He'll never look at the church the same way because of the things I participated in while in Thailand. And I'll never be able to tell him that [[THAT]] was ok. Because it wasn't. And maybe that's why I felt bad about GOING to the "land of smiles" in the first place.
Because I thought that visiting my family would make them closer to me, but more then ever I just feel further away.
Because my heart constricted when I found out he was asking for the girl BEFORE me.
Because I feel stupid for not realizing that the Murphy's Law would once again get me.
Because my life really is as awkward as I thought. And because it's all at my expense.
Because I can laugh (or cry) those things off and move on with life, knowing that even though that experience was horrific.. there's bound to be one worse along the way.. so it's easy to be happy.
Because I feel like everyone else is changing around me and I'm remaining the same.. or maybe the other way around. That changes from time to time.
Because there's always something new to learn.

It's not about blame.
It's about reason.
Still I can't help but wish things could be a little different.

I wonder what it would be like..
How I WOULD be different. And how I wouldn't.

It's not about that either- wishing for things that can't ever be. Crying over spilled milk. No reason. REason. None for IT.
It's hard to let go of the past. It's hard to forgive. It's never been a problem. I've never had prejudices. But it's not about... how I feel about others. It's what they think about me. And why they THINK that I CARE. why?

I never needed anyone to point out my wrongs. I was strong enough. They should have known. I never needed anyone for judgement. Don't people realize that anything they have to say to me.. I've probably said to myself thousands upon thousands of times. I've NEVER asked anyone for help with this. It's to late for conversations. It just is.

I don't want to stay another minute. I want out of here. And not just for a little awhile. Permanantley, because some hurts never go away. Some places will always hold negative connotations. I tried to come back and make everything ok, but it doesn't work that way.
I never needed anyone to be there every day. I let go.

And more than ever... I AM OK. Better then ok. I'm FABULOUS.
I've never been more comfortable with myself. As I am now. I can't fathom why I DO feel this way. It doesn't matter who I'm with. I'm comfortable. This has never happened. Ever. To be completely at ease with the person I am, the way I communicate with people, the way I handle my problems, the way conflict is resolved, who I have become.

Once in a lifetime. That's THIS experience. That is MY life right now. MINE.

Is it so bad that I want to hold onto this for as long as possible? Is it so terrible that I don't want things to change because I LIKE this feeling. I like.. me. I'm bothered that just when things progress this far.. that everyone wants to come in and mess it up. Not intentionally. But I can't keep this feeling when I let someone else close to me. I get stupid. I worry about this and that. Am I funny enough? Am I nice enough? The comparing starts. The self doubt starts.


I like the way I feel right now.
So.. why is it making me sick?