136

I feel young.
And not in a good way.



Up the dosage.

135

First day of school.
One class.
Not until 230 pm.
Cultural Anthropology.

Awesome.


Last night we had the end all of thunderstorms. It woke me from my silent slumber, literally rattled my windows, and caused my canines to quake with fear. The rain was overwhelming, and had I not been exhausted I'm sure I would have enjoyed it more. As it was, I hadn't been feeling well all day, and was looking forward to a good nights sleep even though there was nothing to wake up for this morning.

.. and that's not to say that I was woken up. 3 times. By varying members of my family. I'm 21. I know my schedule. I have an alarm on my phone. And besides all of that the sign that I've kept up since I've been home has been instructing NOT to wake me up because I can take care of myself.

(1)"Don't you have class today?"
(2)"Hey what time is your first class?"
(3)"You've got school today, don't forget!"

Um yeah. I know that better then you do. And it's not till "2 effing 30" so get the "h" out of my room. It's been years since I've needed anyone to wake me up for.. anything. So why would that all of a sudden change now? Ew. I hate living here. Unless I'm in my room where no one can bug me. So I'm kinda cranky. Because of the lack of sleep. And the annoyance of my family.

I can't wait to go to school. It'll keep me busier. I'm excited about meeting new people and actually doing something instead of straight working. And then I have work tonight so it's going to get hectic here pretty quick. And I'm stoked. ( I hate that word )
It's cold. And gray. Sweats weather.

I'm ready for the adventure.
So bring it.

1(2)34

Last night I went and saw "Julie&Julia". And loved it. There were a lot of reasons. (1) Meryl Streep is BOSS as far as actressES in the cosmos, (2) France rubbernecked quaint, enchanting, and souped up (pun!) better than I imagined, and (3)everything that Julie tried to accomplished ( and everything Julia Child DID accomplish) left me feeling inspired. And discouraged. Because even though it was just this girl-women, working her way through a french cookbook... it placed my theories about life back into perspective for me.

Lately I've been feeling off.
Like I'm undershooting on something prodigious because of my "dot on the line"-in life. ( This is subjective). And I don't know if it's vaineglory, or amour-propre' [pride]--> these are basically the same bah!, or maybe it's depression slowly kicking back in with {[tension]} on the horizon, but lately... I just feel like because of who I am, and everything that makes up me: My family, my race, my "place" in the apple, my friends, personality, humor, religion, intellect (if I've got any) and just my tendencies, follies, strengths... whatever.... To me.. it seems like I'm supposed to do something extraordinary. There. I said it.

I think I'm supposed to do something extraordinary.
LOUD enough?

But I just don't see or feel that coming. I'm here in a.. .a little po-dunk town ( though things could be exponentially worse. Trust ME.), returning to academics after a year of self discovery which taught me much.. but also showed me just how much I still D.O.N.T. know about myself, I have like.. 1 friend that I hang out with consistently. Regularly. predictably ( and just to make things clear I adore her 100%. She's CHOICE.), I haven't moved out - for real anyways, I work at a mediocre job making mediocre pay, no significant other ( unless you count my canines)......

Ordinary. Completley. Incredibly. unDoubtedly. o.r.d.i.n.a.r.y.
Instead of Extraordinary.

So I've been reasoning.. about.. my life (subjective subjective subjective). The path I'm on - or off. The things I do- and don't. The habits I've formed-lost, the changes that could me made to maybe cater to my thinking maybe my mission is life actually really is important instead of.. feeling.. well, {{{{ordinary}}}}.

I could step things up a notch. Like being more social. Even if that means being uncomfortable. Really going for something academically that could make me happy. Accomplished, even if that means retaking and retaking classes, getting a tutor, or staying in school lo0nnngerrr than your average "jo". I'm making changes physically so I feel calm about that. But maybe it's time to do something SUPER uncomfortable to jossle things up and make life interesting again.

It wouldn't be something crazy like.. joining the army, moving to Nepal with no plan in mind, or changing my name to Gertrude Vesplessan. At least I don't think...

I just think I'm ready for a new set of challenges that are..oh I don't know.. NEW.. &/0r different. Because it seems like that same ones just keep getting recirculated. Over and over. Over and over. And I'm tired. And sick. Of it. Yes. Of IT.

I'm sure there are those that are wondering that the "h" this has to do with "Julie&Julia"??{?????}. Well, it's all about making goals. No matter what they are. And freaking following through with them because that's something that everyone feels good about. So what if it was this silly 30 yr old woman trying to find some kind of identity?.. and she found it in a cookbook? In Julia Child. That's more than I can say for myself. Frankly. Sadly. Embarrassingly.

So I'm going to make a goal. And I don't care if it sounds stupid, or pointless, or impossible, or confusing. I'm just going to do it. And accomplish it. Because I'd really like to say that I accomplished something that was important to me. no matter how lame or small it is to a relative audience....

Spoiler alert! I have no idea what this goal is going to be. Maybe it'll be finally working up the courage to strike up a conversation with Mike from the pool. Or cutting my hair ( I know this sounds like.. what? But I've had the same hairstyle since I was 8. Shut it.). Maybe it'll mean asking questions in class or really.. finally.... asking for help when I need it ( in school). It could mean buying myself a fish and keeping it alive for more than a month ( because I still haven't done this). It might be trying something that's really scary for me.. public speaking. public singing... public.. anything.

I'm just excited to figure out what I'm going to do. Because I AM ready to DO something that makes me feel uncomfortable? sure... but... awesome because I was brave enough to try something different then what I always do.

And that's what Julie. AND Julia taught me last night.

133

Just in case my list of reasoning wasn't enough, the way that you just reacted..was.

{later.ish}

Alright. Now that I have some time for explaining... Here goes.

I've never been the TTT {tantrum throwing type}. I didn't shriek or squeal as a child. I never stomped up stairs or threw things. Never stamped my feet or pounded my fists. ( I did however slam doors until I was 9 ). So I guess I just don't relate or understand the type of people that do. For instance my 18 year old sister, but on a more pressing and relevant matter: Manny.

At 25 (almost 26) years old you'd think that a person would have grown out of that. Right? Apparently not, since 2 days ago he threw the biggest fit I've ever seen ANYONE throw before. I don't really know whose to blame. And like I've mentioned before it's never really about blame for me. Ever. Its all about [[ reason ]]. I'd been feeling strange about the whole thing ( for a long while actually), and some of the ideas he had about life were very peculiar. Not bad, just not really my style and I started seeing problems in the relationship ( oh there were lots of problems ). So finally after much thinking and debating, compromising, and attempts at adapting it was time to end things.

For good.

If you want a list of reasons they are in a previous blog entry, and the list since I wrote that had about doubled in size. Added to the list were such things as: lying that he was LDS, which means that he was also lying about serving a mission in Belgium, oh.. and the sleeping around. So I gave him the news that I was no longer interested in getting to know him or continueing out relationsip, that I knew he would find someone that could make him really happy, and that I was excited for him to find that person. Wished him every happiness, and told him to take care.


And then he exploded!! In a way that I've only ever seen or heard about on the internet and TV.
I can't count how many texts he sent me saying that black women are evil ( I'm still baffled by this.. did he really just text me that?) That his friends had been right about me. That I hadn't had the courage to tell him to stop flirting 2 years ago ( keep in mind that I avoided him consistently for 2 years because he was a creeper). That he was never going to date a black woman again. ( why would I care?) and that any white girl was better than me ( aight ). He called me mean, rude, sarcastic, a player, said I lead him on, that I was ugly and fat, and that I was going to have a very miserable life.. and he hoped that I did.

Oh. And that he hoped I cried about him and that he regrets having absolutely anything to do with me. And all of this was texted in broken English. Not that it really matters, but it just seems significant to me. Or funny. Somehow ironic.


There was a break in his tasteless rant and I simply told him that I was sorry he felt that way, that it was never my intent to lead him on, and that I hadn't encouraged him he'd done that all on his own, and that I thought it was best that he didn't contact me ever again to make things "simple" and then let him know that I hoped he had a great life and wished him success in everything he attempts to do with his life.

That started another rant about....something. I didn't read the 15 texts he sent after that. Instead I just deleted them, then blocked his number from my phone. He tried calling and I told him I'd call the cops if he attempted to get in contact with me again. Which is funny because he had a restraining order put on him 2 years ago when he was stalking me around campus.

And then I hung up on him.
And then I laughed.


I called Sarah Lynne to give her the news and then we laughed together.

Just in case my list of reasoning wasn't enough, the way that he just reacted..was.

I worried about how I would feel after pulling the reigns on the whole parade. I wondered if I would feel sad, or like I'd made the wrong choice. And what a relief it was that he DID react that way because it confirmed my feelings more so then anything else had thus far.

So thanks Manny. Thanks for being an inconsiderate clod. I have no regrets, and that's all I've asked out of life since I realized that was an option.

So things are going really good. It's like the air around me suddenly just became less toxic and I haven't smiled this much in a really long time. It's so interesting how sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith and do something hard. And it sucks when it has the potential to hurt someone else. But I know that because I made that choice in the right way that I'll find what I'm looking for. Eventually. And that's fine. I'd rather wait then feel pushed into something because of silly fears or expectations laid out by everyone else.

So there's nothing on my horizon except for everything, which had made me feel pretty fearless. And what a great feeling it is. School starts soon so I'll be back in the busy, I've got my books so I've already started working on the material, the Office Season 5 comes out in a couple weeks, I have another hefty pay check coming my way so I can buy 2 more tires! And yeah. I've got one more deposit to make on my ticket to Israel in June, Sabina is coming to visit from the Phillipines and Scott and I are going to DisneyLand!

I've lost 15 lbs. As of a week ago. So maybe I should check again.


I just feel good. Work is almost over, the earth is slowly cooling off into jacket weather, lots of people getting married or having babies and it's awesome!!


Life. Ride it.

132

My visiting teachers just left my house, and one of them: Sarah Scott said that she'd been having a recurring dream about me up & moving away to France. You heard me. France. What?

I was to weirded out to say...anything.
Who's with me? Raise your hands!!

I couldn't sleep last night. Alright, alright. That's a lie. I slept for about 2 hours (so pretty much zero sleep.age) and was woken up by my phone [[jingling]]. There wasn't a number it just said "Withheld". I don't really know what that means (do you guys?), but I felt a shiver of irritation ripple through my tired blood when I heard the Oriental bird-chirping-violin-playing ring tone pierce harshly through my deepish slumber. Oh and then I recieved 2 text messages in a row ( from He Who Must Not Be Named).. the beeping wouldn't stop. I checked my phone. It was 5 in the a.m.. What. The?!?!

I guess it's my fault for not putting my phone on silent or for just turning it off for the night. But I wanted to get up and go running and I needed the alarm. ( Well I didn't this morning because my phone started ringing irrationally). Sighs. Anyways. I stayed up. Felt restless. And confused. Prayed. Read my journal, and put in another entry. Read Lehi's dream. Read my blessing. Prayed again. Daddy gave me a blessing. Cried my eyes out afterwards because I wish I could have more specific answers to my questions. It's so hard to interpret. Listened to some music to calm me down. Read my blessing again. And then headed to the gym where I worked out some of my anxiety.

It was a good morning at the gym. I did a pretty strenuous level on the Eliptical machine and barely worked up a sweat= I'm getting more fit, fitter? In better shape. I did my abs machines and stretched. It felt good and the drive back was enjoyable. The sun was peaking out from behind the mountains.. and GASPS!! I used my heater for the first time, and it works splendidly. :D

Oscar baby, you're the man!

I work tonight. It's going to be freezing so I'm not particularly looking forward to it, so maybe that means that people won't show up, or that I may get off a little early. Daddy and I need to go and buy my books, still need to get that $$$ out for him. Mom's surgery went well! Victoria didn't have any cavities either, and Talisa seems happier. Things are going well.


Where are you?

131

So last night I went to a Benefit Concert for my friend Albert who basically broke his face while hiking the wind caves at [[midnight]]. It was to help him pay for the parts of his surgery that his insurance wouldn't cover- which was alot apparently. The music sucked (except Skyler's Band - The Crooked Beats) but that wasn't really the point. Duh. And it was REFRESHING to see everyone from that scene again. I forgot how much I love K-scribble, Nichelle baby, Michael "the man" Murray, and Canadian Damien.

And everyone else that I remember from that crowd. Michael made sure that I knew he was available for Math tutoring (which I will most definitely need). And talking to Damien was incredible. I love everything about that boy, and last night my infactuation for him increased exponentially when I saw his shoes. Yeah. I wrote that right.

Sustainable. Rubber soles made from trees, the straps made from vegetables.

This is love.

The downside. The only food they had was hot dogs... which is the one and only food that I will absolutely NOT eat under any circumstances, and the weather was unseasonable frigid. My hands were ice, and once home it took about 2 hours for my toes to un.thaw.

Church today was terrific. I love when we talk about the divine purpose of women. It makes me feel needed and my purpose becomes more clear the more I come to understand it. And besides all of that.. I LOVE BEING A WOMAN. So. Great topic. Thanks church.

Manny texted me waking me up from my nap. I fell asleep watching Pride & Prejudice (dang). What? He wants to talk after about 4-5 days of the silent treatment? Yeah. Ok. So we're back to this again. I didn't respond. Duh. What would compel me TO respond? The next text he sent was " Why are you so mean to me?" Really? Really Manny? So once again I'm mean. What amazes me, is if you really think that about me, then why do you keep crawling back? I've done nothing but be honest with you. I haven't pretended to be someone I'm not. Of course I've made some mistakes. I don't have all the time in the world to give you. And my life does NOT revolve around you. You're pathetic, annoying, and rude. This is probably ... around the 30th time you've said that. Not that I'm really keeping track, but how can I not with the huge list of accusations you've laid on me since the beginning. Take a gander:

I'm racist.
I hate french people.
I'm not giving you a chance to be my friend.
I don't make time for you.
I take you for granted.
I'm always tearing you down.
I make you cry.
I hate your culture.
I hate foreigners in general.
I'm a child.
I don't know how to take care of myself.

Oh. And I'm mean apparently.

I've tried to talk to you about all of this. And then the silent treatment is administered and somehow that's supposed to make me like you. Only a moron could really think that I'd stay with that. It's not physical abuse Manny. But it IS abuse. And maybe I would have put up with that a couple years ago. But not now. And good for me. So the secrets out!

The way you handle conflict is unattractive and quite frankly.. repulsive. I'm happy now.
And I don't care that you're not.

130

When I logged onto FB there was an advertisement up in the right hand corner of my home profile that said {{"Like animals? Get a ranch!"}}. I giggled, and that's basically how I began my sunny "am". I've noticed that instead of being really consistent with keeping this updated every day, I've started going through spurts of regularity.( I've noticed the same things with tasks like shaving my legs and plucking my eyebrows) I won't blog for a week or something, and then I'll have like 3 entries for a single day. It's dumb, but I guess that's kind of how things are right now... unorganized. A little chaotic. And dumb.

It's pay day. CHa-freakin-CHing. Oh gosh. I'm severely enthused. I don't know where I'm going to spend first. But I must have those sweater boots, the plaid purple coat, and that TMNT backpack (... yeah I said it). .But none of this is what I really wanted to write back. ADHD back and stacked. Um. And how.

{Vlumbar and Gretchen Humbummer}. Those were the children names we were picking out in my dream. If it was a girl: Gretchen. A boy: Vlumbar. And I guess that meant our last name was Humbummer. And when I woke up, peered down, and realized that the baby bump wasn't reality I started crying. I don't really know what any of it means, but I just thought it was interesting. I've had baby dreams before.. I always just end up crying when I realize I'm conscious and what's happening is.. NOT that. Ugh. So it was a long night. It was storming which was soothing in a way, but then I couldn't get back to sleep because lightening kept skittering across my walls and the thunder a'ricka rickad ma' windows. Don't get me wrong. I'm all about CV summer storms. It just didn't help with all the crying.

Things are going pretty well.
School is paid for (thanks daddy).
My refund should be coming in the next week or two ( thanks Derrick)
I've got a job secured until at least Sept 7th.
My classes are all at great times, and it will work fantastically with getting another job (NOT Elements)
I broke up with Manny and haven't heard from him since (silent treatment which just reiderates my point of reason)
My laundry is done, though I still need to hang it up.
I'm getting some shopping done today (hopefully all of it)
My phone is slowly becoming easier to navigate and handle.
My stomache is shrinking.. slowly. but still.
Scott comes home in a couple days.
I haven't heard from Matt.
The earth is beginning to cool off.
Mom's surgery should go well on Monday.

.. all in all.. things are really well. The only down side right now.. is I went to the doctor who confirmed what I thought was true. Yes. I DO have 2 cracked ribs. They don't really hurt or anything, I mean... it did when that girl nailed me in the chest but it's just a little bruised and is fine as long as no one punches me :D.


Lovin' it.