181

GAh ha! I need to be revising my SUV paper (which is awesome BTW), but I couldn't wait to blog! How pathetic is that!? hmm

So. If I had ever thought up a perfect morning scene, it wouldn't have come close to the one I experienced just now. I don't know what it is. I normally don't flip over autumn. I mean, I love the colours, I'd paint the town with them! Twice! Loath the benumbing cold however. Especially having to venture out into it at 6:30am.

My point. After workshop I decided to saunter down to the stadium parking lot instead of taking the crowded bus.

I'm going to attempt to convey with words ( which will be near impossible) the general splendor of my surroundings.
First- the sky. I've never seen anything like it. I mean, it was a spectrum of gray. Pepper, ash, lead, pearl, silver, dusk, iron, smoke. You name it, ever single expression of "gray" you can think of congested my charming vault of heaven.
Lashed against it was a violent array of golds, reds, and orange.


The contrast was explosive. I only wish I'd had my camera! Dag!


Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

And now I need to get back to homework.
(sighs)

180

Vertigo.
I've had vertigo for about 3 days now. I lay down to go to sleep and my head starts spinning like a merry-g0-round. It's infuriating. I don't really know what to do about it, maybe have my head tilted up a little more when I lay down? Go to the doctor to check for "ear rocks"? I'm not really sure, but the sleep deprivation is getting to me. Especially when I'm not used to eating this little ( things are becoming much easier though as my stomache slowly shrinks).

I woke up today feeling like something big was going to happen. I still feel that way. It's about 1:00 pm and thus far nothing out of the ordinary has happened. But there's still lots of day and time left. I hope my instincts are right.

TRX tonight. It's going to kick my trash, but I feel much stronger so it's not too big of a deal. And hopefully on Friday I can add a couple more lbs lost to my peeps.


In other news, I have this friend. I haven't seen her in a really long time. Mostly because it's my fault, but regardless.. it's been a very long time. It's really interesting to me that when things just get really bad around here. Whether it be because of the weather (ha!), or just because things get stupid every once in awhile and I wonder if anyone would notice if I just slipped away.... just.. when things get lame.. she always pulls through with something awesome that makes me feel like I'm worth something to someone.

Before last night it was when she sent me this audio message of one of our favorite songs. It was great. And then last night I got this ridiculous dancing video from her. I don't really know how she does it.. but it always comes right when I need it most.

Life. Saver.


So today I've got a few tricks up my sleeve. Classes, that something big that should be happening at some point today and uh... I'm still passing Math I just found out so that's definitley a uplift from the dive I've been taking.


right-o

179

it's over.
I just kinda wanted to make a difference.
I don't know. For a long time I felt like I was someone that could do something great.
Spectacular even.

Something that would affect a change for good.
Be someone's hero.
Be someone's someone.

I don't know. Live a life that I see everyone else living.
I thought that could be me to.

But maybe once the good has been taken out of you, there's no putting it back in.
I've fallen anonymous.

And no one noticed except me.







peace OUT.

178

So the weeping train chug-a-lugged dejectedly into Pathetic-ville last night.
And stayed for a couple hour lay over.

I literally shred my house to pieces rummaging around for the bygone keys. ( the house that I've been cleaning the last couple of days for mum's surprise birthdayness) I catapulted couch cushions into oblivion, mutilated the pillows, launched chairs to and fro, slashed my bed sheets apart and raked through my laundry baskets for them. I went outside and combed through the grass, checked all of D'ojee's stashing places and clawed the ground underneath my car.

It was a 3 hour frenzy, during which I cannonaded into tears. ( only once )

I didn't find them. So I drove mum's car to the gym. The workout wasn't difficult. Because it was a swimming circut. Needless to say I found I had to motivate myself to make it hard.

Which sucked.

Once home, smelling like chlorine, cranky and hungry the trouble started. Upon entering the kitchen the smell of Indian food {{shivers}} consumed my senses. I went upstairs and broke into a waterfall of tears because I can't stand the smell of Indian food... and I just got really sad that my family hadn't thought to include me on the festivities ( like they normally do). Plus I was starving. And my house didn't look as neat and clean as it had before the episode related above. (sorry mum)

It's gets worse.

I ate some rice and naan ( because that's all I could stomache). Had a cup of orange juice ( which sucked because I bought the WRONG kind) and went upstairs to wait out the party where I knew they would be having some kind of dark chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting and ice cream. I can't have any of that.

But mum surprised me!

She'd bought some raspberries and fat free whipping cream most especially for me! So. As I set about to get my dessert in order, so the celebration could take place... the carton of raspberries slipped from my happy hands, plunged to the floor, and scattered all over the tile. The dogs attacked them immediately and right before my swimming eyes they disappeared in seconds.

I sat down. Right there. By the refrigerator. Stared dejectedly into space for maybe a minute. Maybe 2. Then picked up the now empty carton. Placed the fat free whipping cream back in the fridge and wandered upstairs as another surge of tears escaped my aching tear ducts.


Later, as I sat eating [[20 grapes]] watching "the Proposal", trying to absorb myself in another life.. any life except my own... mum comes up with my keys and says "They were on the couch underneath a neatly placed book right by your bag".

I probably would have cried again, but instead I just turned out my light, let myself be sucked back into the mindless romantic comedy and eventually fell asleep.


Hows that for your daily dose of pitiful?

177

Lost my keys.

I. Am. Pissed. I'm trying really hard not to be. I don't want to be one of those people that's gets fired up about some bloody keys, but crap I've almost thrown a fit 3 times trying to find them. And I never lose anything.

Also. I'm hungry. I think that's the reason behind the near fit of hysteria and me bursting into tears once I got home.

But I've lost 5 more lbs.

176

Week 1.
Tonight we have our first check up.
I'm a little pissed because this whole time I thought I was doing great calorie wise. Then I started to feel like I was gaining more. Turns out I'd been entering the calories wrong in the data base.. so I actually was eating more then what was recommended. It wasn't more then what I was eating on my own before this week so hopefully I still dropped a little weight but.. geez.

I'm pissed.


I dejunked our mudroom. For some reason I can't remember the name in America for it (how funny is that!). But in Australia we call it a mudroom so.. I dejunked it. Daddy paid for mum to get a hotel room in town for a couple days. Give her a break from being a mum. It's her birthday today! Happy Birthday Mummy!!! So I went to work on the dejunking.

My family can be packrats. So I went through everything and threw out tons of garbage bags of stuff that... no household should ever have. I thought about getting rid of some of the shoes. But I really don't know what ones are actually being worn, versus waste. So I left them all. But it looks beautiful. I'm going to attack the closet under the stairs ( Harry P.) in a few minutes. Get the DVD, VHS, music books and other magazines organized so we can actually walk in there.

Yeah.
Life isn't so much exciting these days as just kind of .. there.
I feel like I'm waiting for something. I'm not meaning to. I'm trying to fill my time with worthwhile endeavors. I'm staying up to par with my studies, and I'm doing this program. Learning Christmas songs on the piano. I've been cleaning the last couple of days. I guess I could be trying to do more. I don't really know what.... I'm trying.. to look for.. to doing. Yeah. I just don't know.

Seen Ray more often then usual lately.
Weird.

Life Is Hard When You're An Idiot

So. It's 4:15pm exactly.
I like exactness.

Have a new mac computer. Monitor is phenomenally bodacious in every sense of the <---word. ( why am I not structuring my sentences?) Hopefully I'll be able to upload my Exserspy from home instead of on campus

Sighs a sigh of relief, then moves on.

It uncomfortable, being at school and uploading it I mean. Struggling to get the pesky elastic band off my rippling bicep without looking like a chimpanzee scratching it's armpit-in the middle of the computer lab. Those poor unfortunate (souls) students.


I only have a couple things to note. And they don't apply or relate to anyone who would ever read this. So... whatevs. I'll write more when something interesting.. or OF note comes along.


First. Every appendage and muscle in my entire frame has decided to rape me with an all encompassing unmerciful mutiny. I can't sit here and type without something SOMEWHERE on my body ninnyhammering with the impulse to plunge itself off a burning cliff. (((yes, you heard it hear folks))) ach.E.ness.

Second. ("Second?" "Yes Toby "second") I think my program is going well. They didn't inform me of the gruesome workouts we would be doing, or dietary restrictions. But I guess if they DID do that then no one would sign up for the program. Blink. There goes the light. Overall, I'm feeling slightly better (mentally) however so... pound it.

Third. Note to self. Never wear a skirt to school. Especially when it's cold. MORE especially when it's windy. What a suck fest this afternoon was. It blew. Literally.

Fourth. I'm really uncomfortable. So I'm going to go change.