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(New Blog) I'm just gonna keep this up for the rest of the week in case anyone else wants to check it out. And to all those that DO, you should totally join in. It's going to change the world :D



I'm already behind on homework.
Seriously?
Yeah.

My social work teacher told me that when he came to USU for school he felt like a raisin in a bowl of rice pudding. He's Latino and obviously my favorite professor thus far. :D There's a girl in the class that grew up in [[Australia]]. What the? That hasn't happened before, I wanted to talk to her but she was sitting to far away, maybe on Thursday. I don't know, I don't think it's time to freak out and say that we need to be best friends, but I like having the connections that I do with people. I mean, not many people are from Australia right.. so we should be connected. And who knows, maybe she knows people I know!

Why would anyone care?
They wouldn't, unless you've all had similar experiences.

I finished 99% of my math homework on my own. I got stuck on the last problem. Daddy's watching the Cosby Show, so I'm on here waiting until it's over to inquire about his help. And there's talk about getting me a tutor, heaven knows I need it. I've already dropped one class and I must say I'm relieved. I'm bad with first impressions.. since I let them stick so permanently.. but almost masticated my fingers out of boredom within that horrible 70 min. of class.

Anyway.
Patrick and Natalie kicked my trash tonight. And gave me a bunch of information about me and my calorie intakes, deficits, what not. It was helpful and informative, but it also really pissed me off.

I. Am. An. Athlete.

There's no doubt about it. There's nothing as far as "athletics" is concerned that I feel I can't do. I feel powerful, strong, durable, and more flexible then ever before. I'm no stranger to working out. Whether it be rock climbing or competitive swimming I've always done something. And it's not like I'm someone who doesn't have much to show for it. I'm about to explain my glory days ( isn't it sad that I'm 21 and already have glory days?)

I still hold 12 records at SARC from the days when I swam for them. And that's just one pool. I hold records all over North Western United States. I hold 3 at my highschool. I attended Summer Games most years and am no stranger to competition.
During that time I never felt as good as I do now, and yet apparently I'm more unhealthy then back in those days. The numbers don't add up. But in my head they never do. How can you be fit, but overweight?
Does that make ANY sense to anyone else? I don't know, I mean I know it's all about balance and patience ( THAT'S unfortunate), but I'm getting really frustrated.
Good thing Patrick cares so much ( or acts like it) , and Natalie, and Ethan.

Sighs.

Anyways, still no job.
But I'm hopeful.

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New Blog (because I can)
I'm joining in a project that consists of taking a picture for all of 365 days. And also explaining the signif. If you wanna check it out ( and you TOTALLY should) click HERE.

New semester.
First day of classes went well, considering. Things are still up in the air. I mean.. my pulse quickened and I started to perspire (only slightly, calm down) as I flipped to the back page of my Math syllabus. Upon skimming the list of materials and the number of problems on each page my legs started twitching. Hyperventilation. Alright, I'm exAGerating, but it doesn't change the fact that I loath Math more then almost anything on the planet (because hot dogs is pretty close to number one, along with fat slurpee straws and anything that has to do with David Bowie).

Number complex+plus a horrible retention level=hours of crying and bucket loads of tears.

My poor daddy. He has 4 more hard core Arithmetic classes to battle through with me. I'm glad that he's the one (daddy) I've got though. He gets it.

Geography will be tight.
EnvS (ugh, it was supposed to be swa-eet!)
And we'll see how things pan out manana ( I don't know how to do the squiggly over the "n"- ya know?)

Still no word back from Missy about a job (please please please please call), and I even got a little bit of a work out in after classes. I just don't get it. I didn't work out or watch my calories for 4 whole days and I didn't gain a thing. It's cool, don't get me wrong but I'm sick of seeing the same number on the scale ( I almost hoped I'd gained a little just to acquire some more motivation- then I {{banished}} that thought for good). I don't have a session with Patrick until Wednesday and Bob and Julianne is on Tuesday.

I don't really care about any of this- except the part where I need a job.
Bee bop.

214 (eating hearts and brains)

I controlled my dream last night, I'm 95% sure. It wasn't pretty. A hill with rotting vegetation. A single gnarled tree. Shovel with a fractured handle. 100 extinguished dissolving bodies beneath my feet. I'm not sure who the male was. An older man with a goatee and dark greasy hair. He made a fire, where was my husband? I knew. Beneath the decomposing mound amongst the bloated corpses. Standing up I began gliding down the hill, towards the shovel leaning against the tree. Somewhere in my subconscious I realized that within seconds I would wake up in a cold sweat feeling shaken from what I'd seen. So I forced myself to hike back to the apex and settle with the man. We sat, peering at each other for what felt like a really long while. And then I eased myself awake.

Control? Who knows.

Every time a dream like this occurs, I curse the fact that I can't paint (well, don't know HOW to paint). I keep a dream book, record everything in as much detail as I possibly can and a lot of the thoughts would make some pretty sweet paintings, or photographs, or even sketches. I don't have one of those minds that can take the picture in my head and transfer it onto paper the way that I see it IN my head. There's always something wrong with it. But I'm a fantastic copy artist. Is that considered art?

(sighs)

Yesterday afternoon Scott and I went on a small hike up the canyon. It had been a long time since I'd been up there last. Icy, glacial winds, numb cheeks and fingers. I'm not sure for how long we walked but the trip all around was about 3 hours. The point? I wanted to find out if he'd been thinking about what I nonchalantly planted in his mind 3 nights ago. Although we barely touched on the topic- I got what I was looking for. He's considering it, and I believe that the outcome- though it may take some time- will be important. [[IMPORTANT]]. Not sure what that means, except that some kind of significance is happening even though I can't see it right now.

How would I draw "significance"?
How would I photograph it?


Today?
Laundry
DC [deep clean] room/closet/carpets
DC car
Price books.
Finance
Art
Resume'

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The most stressful part of a new year?
Remembering to write 2010 on everything.
Whose with me?

I'd like to live a life with no expectations.


His favorite kind of music is Country. Mine's HipHop. I hate Country. Mostly. I psychoanalyzed myself to figure out why. And here's what I came up with: Part of it has an environmental factor. I grew up listening to Michael Jackson and Brandy. A little Maria, and lots of Destiny's Child before Beyonce made a split (good for you B). People USE music for different things. For some it's to settle down and relax. Other's sleep. Some stress. For me it's used as fuel to power through my day. I use it for adrenaline to work out hard. I use it to pick up my pace when doing things around the house. I feel like HipHop is perfect for those things because there's a certain repetitive beat to most of this genre. A beat. I'm not saying other genre's DON'T have beats, but it's different. Anyone who loves hiphop hopefully picks up what I'm putting down.

Anyways.
I've found myself at a wall. They said to expect a low when going from such intense work outs to.. not so intense or for so long. I didn't remember that until about 2 days ago when the low hit and suddenly I had no motivation to merely get out of bed. It always hits at the most odd of times. Of course the events leading up to today have increased the drop in good mental health and activity. I don't really know what to do except work out. That's all I keep thinking about. Just how I want to run and run and run and run and RUN. And keep on running. I don't ever really want to stop. It's my flight instinct. It's all the odd complexes compiling themselves together so that internally I'm crushed.

Paralyzed.
I can't move.
It's hard to breath.
I don't have a real desire to anymore.

The other day I wished I would get hit by a train.
It's never what it seems to be, even if I hit it right on the nose! Finally I was right. But so completley not. I don't know which hurts more. I'm not really letting myself think about it, because..well, there's not much to think about.

I drew a picture of myself today. I didn't really think about what I was doing. I just let my fingers run wild all over the sketch book. I finished, closed my eyes.. opened them back up and was a little shocked. It's nothing like I've ever sketched before, but it mirrored what I was feeling inside so perfectly that I baffled myself.
I wish I felt comfortable sharing it, but I think that's a picture I'll take to the grave. Along with how many calories I consumed the other day, and the dream I had the other night. So many secrets.

a vein of music. a single tear. stitches.
It never comes together in a way that's.. real.

Always surreal.
So what about the new year? I thought that by now I'd have compiled an entire list of new years resolutions. But I haven't found it in me to try and right them out yet, because I so rarely accomplish any of them. And all the ones that I do are the ones that don't actually matter. I wonder why that happens. Insecurity? Inability? wall. barriers. a fence.

I'd like to read (script.) and pray every day this year.
I'd like to learn every Hymn in the book.
Share testimony at least twice.
Get a job.
Run a marathon.

But the one thing that I really want to have happen... I won't ever write down, simply because I'm too scared that by writing it down will somehow ensure that I don't accomplish it. Jinx.
I'm pathetic. :D

Hey DJ?
Blow my speakers up.

212

New Years.

Dance.
Fuzzy.
Slow Dance
Bed.

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I haven't written in only a few days, but I feel as though I have a years worth of information and updates to get out onto this thing. I'll probably keep this short so my brain doesn't explode. Heh.

So. Christmas.
Last year I spent Christmas on the sunny beaches of Australia, a sweet 90 degrees, with aunts, uncles, cousins, and second cousins on the road to drunkeness while trying to feel comfortable at a super formal dinner and gift exchange for which I was neither prepared for or expecting. I guess it's because things are so lax at my house. Nothing formal or fancy. Certainly no fruitcake, and as far as the gift exchange.. most of our things tend to be gag gifts along with a few things that we actually may need.

I'm not knocking any of it, but I was extra happy to be home for the holidays this year. It went down the way it always does. Comforting. It took weeks to get all the decorations up, and hey.. Christmas is past and we still haven't gotten it altogether. We had an array of pizzas prepared for, all your assumed snackage and that's how we rocked out Christmas day after a frenzy of present opening. The loot?

New book bag for school
Running shoes
2 Shirts ( One fancy, the other had bible verses on it.... daddy..)
2 indian bookmarks
Harry Potter the Philosophy ( If Aristotle Ran Hogwarts)
Glass nail file
3 different perfumes
3 different lotions
Towls, bath beads, candles, loofa
A Texas keychain?
Custom made luggage tags (perfect!)
Socks, gloves
3 different hair pins, combs, clips
Jewlery ( 3 necklaces)
A new dress with rose buttons
Long black coat
A Grow Your Own Bonsai Potatoe Plant (...)
Exerspy.

Awesome. All the things I needed, plus some fun stuff on the side. I wore my new dress to church on Sunday. It was smokin! :D So it's Monday and after a disaster, fiasco, unfortunate, overwhelming first ( and possibly last ) day of work I headed to the gym to sweat out all my frustrations.. and then to hit the scale. I've been eating constantly ( my family can be witnesses). I honestly don't remember NOT eating on Christmas day. It wasn't like I sat down and stuffed myself all in one sitting.. it was more just a constant snacking. I told myself I gained no less then 5 lbs, and no more than 7. But I honestly was trembling as I took off my shoes, closed the blinds in the office and advanced to the scale.

And then...
"But wait! That can't be right... can it?"
I got off and stepped back on again.
"Oh. My. Gosh."

o POUNDS GAINED!
How that happened, I have absolutley no idea, but I almost burst into tears of happiness on the stop.. then realized where I was. I had another sudden spurt of adrenaline invade the viens and put in another 1/2 hours work before coming home, getting sick, and hitting the bed of roses. That was around 3. It's about 6:30pm and I just woke up. I have a training session with Patrick tomorrow morning at 6:30am ( what was I thinking when I said that time? I guess it was because the other options were to late. Who wants to be in the gym at say.. 4? I certainly don't). But now the thought of having to be up, scraping off my windows and freezing my way to the gym is making me feel... stupid. Bah! Whatever.

I'm glad Patrick is better.
Now on to the only other area of my life had holds remote interest.

I went on another date with Scott. I hadn't seen him for a good 3 weeks. Finals, and then Christmas, and me feeling weird all the times in between. We went to see Invictus ( which was phenomenal) , and the to the gingerbread house displays downtown, then back to my house for a game of Kemp, finished off the MadGab, preztles, pistaccious, and apple cider.

He hugged me for the first time last night. I'm not sure why that's so significant. He's never been immune to touching me. He's comfortable sitting close, looking into my eyes, but it felt.. right. With his arms around me so...

More on that later. Also. I still haven't put up an before and after picture. What's my problem!?
Time to get ready for Sarahs Fhe.

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Oh. Dear.