"Line dances are for only 2 kinds of people: girls and homos"
Best quote of the night. Thank you Dav man.
Best quote of the night. Thank you Dav man.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
230 [Non Romantic Love & Trash]
"Flowers. The one time I received them, I didn't appreciate them."
"It was always on the brink of being something extraordinary. No single touch, verbal affirmation, or written word confirmed the feelings I had- they just were, like most phenomena in nature."
"Soul holes"
It's... getting there.
"It was always on the brink of being something extraordinary. No single touch, verbal affirmation, or written word confirmed the feelings I had- they just were, like most phenomena in nature."
"Soul holes"
It's... getting there.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
229
WHAT is my problem?
Maybe it was because the work out was above the pool deck and the humidity got to me. Or the fact that I haven't been sleeping well is starting to catch up, but I simply did NOT put in my best effort at workout tonight. I felt so guilty about it I stayed an extra 30 minutes to run and do some abs to make up for my lack of intensity. I felt sullen and weepy-poor Patrick. He kept trying to make me laugh-or just smile- but the most I could do was put on my "grimace" face and have at it.
I don't understand the moodiness.
Things have been going well-right? I mean nothing tragic, dramatic, or simply stupid has happened. I've been having fun, working on my art, I've kept up in my classes. I met a guy named Murphy (aaahh yeah!) and Sean from my Geography class is really amiable. Things with [s] are going well. I'm still dropping lbs, I have a couple prospects I'm looking into. The sun has been shining more than usual ( which is ALWAYS good), I'm trying to write a story and put together some activities for my ward.. so what is the deal?
The only thing I can think of.. is I'm having zero luck finding a job and my saving are being drained.... that's it. And it totally could be the cause of this "down" feeling I'm having. I LIKE working, making money helps me feel capable of taking care of myself, independent and wonderful. I haven't had a job in months and my luck hasn't been great thus far. I just DON'T know where to look anymore.
I could start selling things.
But that feels weird.
My first set of exams are approaching, maybe the stress is starting to affect my mood?
Bah! Moods! What the?!
I have this thing for umbrellas lately.
Personally I don't get it.
I miss my friends. The ones that aren't here.
Maybe it was because the work out was above the pool deck and the humidity got to me. Or the fact that I haven't been sleeping well is starting to catch up, but I simply did NOT put in my best effort at workout tonight. I felt so guilty about it I stayed an extra 30 minutes to run and do some abs to make up for my lack of intensity. I felt sullen and weepy-poor Patrick. He kept trying to make me laugh-or just smile- but the most I could do was put on my "grimace" face and have at it.
I don't understand the moodiness.
Things have been going well-right? I mean nothing tragic, dramatic, or simply stupid has happened. I've been having fun, working on my art, I've kept up in my classes. I met a guy named Murphy (aaahh yeah!) and Sean from my Geography class is really amiable. Things with [s] are going well. I'm still dropping lbs, I have a couple prospects I'm looking into. The sun has been shining more than usual ( which is ALWAYS good), I'm trying to write a story and put together some activities for my ward.. so what is the deal?
The only thing I can think of.. is I'm having zero luck finding a job and my saving are being drained.... that's it. And it totally could be the cause of this "down" feeling I'm having. I LIKE working, making money helps me feel capable of taking care of myself, independent and wonderful. I haven't had a job in months and my luck hasn't been great thus far. I just DON'T know where to look anymore.
I could start selling things.
But that feels weird.
My first set of exams are approaching, maybe the stress is starting to affect my mood?
Bah! Moods! What the?!
I have this thing for umbrellas lately.Personally I don't get it.
I miss my friends. The ones that aren't here.
Monday, February 8, 2010
228
I'm just going to swim with the current for awhile.
Take a break.
Kick off my shoes.
Relax.
Go along with whatever life tosses at me and sprint with it.
It's mostly because I don't really know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I think I know what's going on, and what should be and shouldn't- but frankly I'm beginning to love the fact that I don't. ( or maybe I've decided to throw my hands up in be-bafflement- I'm pretty sure I just made up that word )
More possibilities? I'm comfortable right now, while entertaining one of the more uncomfortable situations presented in my life. Uncomfortable... no, that's the wrong word. It's just different.
I don't know what it means, where it's going, why it's happening, the things I feel. I don't.
But it's about what I DO know. That's my focus.
So here it is. What I know:
I haven't felt inspired to draw like this in a long time.
Or write.
Or compose.
Or sculpt. And I AM.
I have that tense feeling in my stomach of anticipation.
I have something to look forward to right now.
I'm learning new things.
I've begun a new friendship.
And all of those things.. they make me feel alive.
And I don't think that's wrong.
And what will be, will be.
And I don't care about the outcome, because it's about what's happening to me now.
Screw the past.
And the future.
They both look boring or blank.
But right now.. things are not static, and that's better than nothing.
Take a break.
Kick off my shoes.
Relax.
Go along with whatever life tosses at me and sprint with it.
It's mostly because I don't really know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I think I know what's going on, and what should be and shouldn't- but frankly I'm beginning to love the fact that I don't. ( or maybe I've decided to throw my hands up in be-bafflement- I'm pretty sure I just made up that word )
More possibilities? I'm comfortable right now, while entertaining one of the more uncomfortable situations presented in my life. Uncomfortable... no, that's the wrong word. It's just different.
I don't know what it means, where it's going, why it's happening, the things I feel. I don't.
But it's about what I DO know. That's my focus.
So here it is. What I know:
I haven't felt inspired to draw like this in a long time.
Or write.
Or compose.
Or sculpt. And I AM.
I have that tense feeling in my stomach of anticipation.
I have something to look forward to right now.
I'm learning new things.
I've begun a new friendship.
And all of those things.. they make me feel alive.
And I don't think that's wrong.
And what will be, will be.
And I don't care about the outcome, because it's about what's happening to me now.
Screw the past.
And the future.
They both look boring or blank.
But right now.. things are not static, and that's better than nothing.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
227 {On Cloud 9}
How..appropriate.
Last night was the February formal up at the Institute. The theme: "Up On Cloud 9". I neglected to bring my camera and other essentials because jumping, dancing, singing, and twirling would be a large part of the evening (I regret that now because everyone looked dashing, and the decorations were dreamy) I'm happy to report that I fit into my dress-in FACT it's actually toooo big! and the shoes I chose-RocketDogs- were exceptionally comfortable. I take my dancing seriously. It's all about ease and agility.
In the middle of the enjoyable chaos I received a phone call from a potential interest. I dashed outside the double glass doors into the lightly falling snow. After a nice little catch up on our various activities that evening he said (and I'm summarizing) that there were things about him that he felt I should know. We haven't spent a lot of time together, and before this went any farther that he wanted to be 100% honest with me. Ok?
And then the confession.
My initial reaction? In my head.
"Woah, my respect for this guy just shot through the roof"
And my second? In my head.
"Why am I not running in the opposite reaction"
And my third? Out loud to him.
"Thank you SO much for telling me, what you just did is impressive and I appreciate it. As of now my interest hasn't changed, and I'd love to hear more about this part of your life one day"
Did I just say that out loud?
After a few more minutes of talking the conversation ended and I headed back inside to the party. The rest of the evening was spent pondering what just happened amidst the dancing bafoonery, and how I felt about it. I kept trying to {f.r.e.a.k.} myself out, but eventually I fell asleep. It's morning now (obviously) and I haven't experienced anything odd or even slightly negative. I'm not really sure what that means, except that I guess I just need to spend some time with him and decide if this is something I want to get into. It's the only conclusion I've got with this odd calm feeling.
You'd think I'd get used to it. The strange situations I continually find myself in as far as the dating arena, but every time something more interesting our OUT of NOWHERE experience happens and I'm back to writing my autobiography entitled "An Awkward Life".
And yes, that is the name of it.
Last night was the February formal up at the Institute. The theme: "Up On Cloud 9". I neglected to bring my camera and other essentials because jumping, dancing, singing, and twirling would be a large part of the evening (I regret that now because everyone looked dashing, and the decorations were dreamy) I'm happy to report that I fit into my dress-in FACT it's actually toooo big! and the shoes I chose-RocketDogs- were exceptionally comfortable. I take my dancing seriously. It's all about ease and agility.
In the middle of the enjoyable chaos I received a phone call from a potential interest. I dashed outside the double glass doors into the lightly falling snow. After a nice little catch up on our various activities that evening he said (and I'm summarizing) that there were things about him that he felt I should know. We haven't spent a lot of time together, and before this went any farther that he wanted to be 100% honest with me. Ok?
And then the confession.
My initial reaction? In my head.
"Woah, my respect for this guy just shot through the roof"
And my second? In my head.
"Why am I not running in the opposite reaction"
And my third? Out loud to him.
"Thank you SO much for telling me, what you just did is impressive and I appreciate it. As of now my interest hasn't changed, and I'd love to hear more about this part of your life one day"
Did I just say that out loud?
After a few more minutes of talking the conversation ended and I headed back inside to the party. The rest of the evening was spent pondering what just happened amidst the dancing bafoonery, and how I felt about it. I kept trying to {f.r.e.a.k.} myself out, but eventually I fell asleep. It's morning now (obviously) and I haven't experienced anything odd or even slightly negative. I'm not really sure what that means, except that I guess I just need to spend some time with him and decide if this is something I want to get into. It's the only conclusion I've got with this odd calm feeling.
You'd think I'd get used to it. The strange situations I continually find myself in as far as the dating arena, but every time something more interesting our OUT of NOWHERE experience happens and I'm back to writing my autobiography entitled "An Awkward Life".
And yes, that is the name of it.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
226
These last couple of months have been a challenge. I've been going through this "experience" and how to describe will be difficult. I'm here to try and give my best effort.
I have this friend- don't we all?
And the relationship that we have is long lasting, there's a definite level of deep trust, and an understanding that can't be explained in English words. He's unprecedented. The type of guy that would give the shirt off his back to anyone-any place, any time. If he were in Spain, and I needed him- he WOULD fly back to America just for me [if it was absolutely what I needed]. Over the last couple of years because of distance, and the different lifestyles we've chosen to live a {gap} has appeared. It hasn't changed the exterior of the relationship, but I sense it internally. I'm not saying it's good or bad, better or worse as much as I'm just saying it's.. NOT the same.
And that's okay.
I just realized I'm not sure where this is going to go. The point is, life's been rough recently and this person - though who is NOT the reason for the difficulties adds a complicated factor which has made my life exponentially more complex in the last couple of months. I've felt alot of things- anger, hurt, discouragement, frustration and of course confusion. I've been given the gift of easy forgiveness. It's not a hard thing for me to- other commandments, principles, or morals I struggle with but forgiveness (thank goodness) hasn't been a problem.
So when catastrophe hit and I found I COULD NOT move on without an apology from this person- it's scared me. I got down on my knees crying, begging, praying for the forgiveness that I've always possessed to reembody me and free from these hurt feelings.
Please?
The answer was no. No and also you need to feel this a little bit longer. My head was turned. Isn't forgiveness what I'm supposed to feel? Isn't this what you want from me? But the answer was no, and also to blatantly ignore this person.
It hurt.
I wanted to talk them. Laugh with them. Forget the whole thing. And to decisively purposefully ignore this person when they were trying to get my attention almost killed me. It continued on for days, me asking every morning and night if I could just talk with them. No no no no no.
And then one day a couple days ago I woke up to SUNSHINE spilling and splashing all over my room and I knew the day had come. He'll try to talk to you, and this time you should let him. It happened. After staring at me for full minute this person broke down and wept in a way I've never seen ANYONE cry before. I then received the most heartfelt apology I've ever received in my entire life.
The lesson?
Well I don't believe it was FOR me at all. I think it was for him. It was interesting being used as an instrument in that way [not that there aren't lessons to be learned FOR me in this experience] and not the other way around.
We walked out into the sunshine flooding campus as we made our way to the bus.
I looked at him closely for a minute and found something in those steely blue eyes that made me realize why I'm doing what I am right now with this person.
It's because they don't know what to do- and the easiest people to hurt are those you trust the most.
Anyways.
School is going fantastically! Presentation done. Fairly certain I passed my first Math exam. I made Valentines for the elderly this morning, applied for a couple jobs and looked UP couple jobs. Lunch date with Katie and Jess tomorrow at 1:30pm, training is going awesomely, tomorrow is the "On Cloud 9" formal, and I've got another project to work on- but it's SO awesome that I can't even mention it yet! Stay tuned.
I have this friend- don't we all?
And the relationship that we have is long lasting, there's a definite level of deep trust, and an understanding that can't be explained in English words. He's unprecedented. The type of guy that would give the shirt off his back to anyone-any place, any time. If he were in Spain, and I needed him- he WOULD fly back to America just for me [if it was absolutely what I needed]. Over the last couple of years because of distance, and the different lifestyles we've chosen to live a {gap} has appeared. It hasn't changed the exterior of the relationship, but I sense it internally. I'm not saying it's good or bad, better or worse as much as I'm just saying it's.. NOT the same.
And that's okay.
I just realized I'm not sure where this is going to go. The point is, life's been rough recently and this person - though who is NOT the reason for the difficulties adds a complicated factor which has made my life exponentially more complex in the last couple of months. I've felt alot of things- anger, hurt, discouragement, frustration and of course confusion. I've been given the gift of easy forgiveness. It's not a hard thing for me to- other commandments, principles, or morals I struggle with but forgiveness (thank goodness) hasn't been a problem.
So when catastrophe hit and I found I COULD NOT move on without an apology from this person- it's scared me. I got down on my knees crying, begging, praying for the forgiveness that I've always possessed to reembody me and free from these hurt feelings.
Please?
The answer was no. No and also you need to feel this a little bit longer. My head was turned. Isn't forgiveness what I'm supposed to feel? Isn't this what you want from me? But the answer was no, and also to blatantly ignore this person.
It hurt.
I wanted to talk them. Laugh with them. Forget the whole thing. And to decisively purposefully ignore this person when they were trying to get my attention almost killed me. It continued on for days, me asking every morning and night if I could just talk with them. No no no no no.
And then one day a couple days ago I woke up to SUNSHINE spilling and splashing all over my room and I knew the day had come. He'll try to talk to you, and this time you should let him. It happened. After staring at me for full minute this person broke down and wept in a way I've never seen ANYONE cry before. I then received the most heartfelt apology I've ever received in my entire life.
The lesson?
Well I don't believe it was FOR me at all. I think it was for him. It was interesting being used as an instrument in that way [not that there aren't lessons to be learned FOR me in this experience] and not the other way around.
We walked out into the sunshine flooding campus as we made our way to the bus.
I looked at him closely for a minute and found something in those steely blue eyes that made me realize why I'm doing what I am right now with this person.
It's because they don't know what to do- and the easiest people to hurt are those you trust the most.
Anyways.
School is going fantastically! Presentation done. Fairly certain I passed my first Math exam. I made Valentines for the elderly this morning, applied for a couple jobs and looked UP couple jobs. Lunch date with Katie and Jess tomorrow at 1:30pm, training is going awesomely, tomorrow is the "On Cloud 9" formal, and I've got another project to work on- but it's SO awesome that I can't even mention it yet! Stay tuned.
Monday, February 1, 2010
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