238

I NEEEEEED THESE.
Pronto.

237

I love the Kemptons.

236

I suppose it just comes down to this. A simple fork in the road. Time to be a a big girl and figure this thing out. Maybe not figure. But it's time to express what I MUST before I either pursue or move on from a situation.
I wonder if that's how it goes down for most people. You feel so good about something that despite the potential awkward or uncertainty, risk or denial that you just have to express it- get it out of your system. Then give the other person or persons a chance to digest what just happened, make a choice, and then apply action.

It's been coming for awhile. It's been a couple months at least. I thought it would go away, that maybe I'd just FORGET the way I felt while IN the situation. But I haven't. And I guess I feel I owe it to myself to either get some closure, or to walk through that sweet sweet open portal into something new and scary. A leap of faith? Is that what you'd call something like this? I guess that would mean that I really want one side of the fork as opposed to the other- and that's not necessarily what I feel. I feel as though I can do either and find success and happiness, maybe one IS more desirable then another (I don't know because where I'm at is limbo) so it's time to just DECIDE.

Maybe once I do that then the turmoil or uncertainty will go away? For good? Hopefully? Maybe? Or the awesome can envelop me. They're both good things. I love choices like this. Where either outcome is GOOD and HAPPY. So what's to lose right?


Just giving myself a little pep talk.
This weekend has been fun. Been to a couple parties, met up with some old and wonderful friends. Laughed until I've cried and recalled memories that have put me over the edge. SO much fun. SOOOOOO much smiling. My abs ACTUALLY hurt from chuckling.

Good weekend.

235

Things have been rough. I've been letting it get to me.
Time for a thank you list. So.
Thank God for:

My family and their unconditional LOVE for me. The gospel. My remarkable friends and class mates. The canines. Sunshine and nice weather. Music. music. music. music. A healthy body, and an organized life. Education and travel. A sturdy heart. Sensitivity to those in need. Trust for me and others. Honesty. Spontaneity. Pens, pencils, and paper. PAINT. Flowers and Bugs. Text messaging and smiley emoticons. Dark chocolate and grapefruit. Clouds. Card games and hot tubs. Lace and personal trainers. Photography. Dance. Conversation. Letters. Water. Faith & Hope. Literature. COLOUR. Calm. Inside jokes and double takes. Loyalty-Love. Wind. Natural phenomena. Swings and slides. Opportunity. Change and Influence. Board games and good grammer. Fair trade. Planet Earth. Laughter. Smiles. Toothpaste and Floss. Race. Experience. Affection. Openness. Democracy. Babies. Entertainment. Voice. Dating and Soup. Air. High Places. Sweat. Time. Epitaphs and Headstones. Staples. Asphalt. Hot & Cold. Magic-Miracles. Revelation/Impressions. All things that make a bed- a bed. Sleep. Trial and Error. Culture. Skin. Memory. Dots. Pearls. Satin & Bows. Argyle Print and Plaid. Much MORE.

And

234

Ridiculous.
Absolutely RIDICULOUS.

So this was the "week of dates".
And even though things didn't go exactly the way I planned (for why I thought that it would I have no idea) it was actually really fun/funny. A couple stood me up, one changed the TIME of the date withOUT telling me (???) so I couldn't go because ya know, I had ANOTHER date, with one I almost died-true story to be told later later-, one was the most AWkWARD situation I've EVER been in, and one was {{absolutely fantastic}}. And one that I thought was going to happen didn't, but he never actually planned anything it was more just me hoping that he would. Maybe sometime this week. Crossing fingers.

So I have a few rescheduled for this week, a movie night planned for Friday. Pretty sweet.

-I found a new swim suit I'm going to buy. Tonight. It's black and red and sexy all over and I'm thrilled. I have issues with swim suits, it's easy to find a training one because you don't have to worry about cut or colour- it's JUST a training suit. But with other ones its such a pain to find a flattering cut, not to high not to low, good colours, and comfort. But I found one. Give me one million dollars.
I have a meeting with my Geology professor. I don't know what it's about, but I have a thought. It might be because of my lack of commenting during class or.. ya know.. participation. This normally isn't a problem but there are some highly intelligent people in that class, and the way they're able to connect dots outside of initial problems BLOWS my mind. I leave feeling baffled every morning and anything that I could or might say just sounds STUPID. I don't KNOW as much as these people, I'm younger, all my ideas come from other classes, my initial opinions or reactions tend to be fused with religion. I'd like to feel I could contribute to the learning process, offer something up that maybe someone ELSE hasn't considered. I've traveled to a fair part of the world, had some life changing experiences while ON those adventures, experienced independence at levels few people I know have, there ARE THINGS. There must be SOMETHING I could say but for some reason.. I just can't.

I don't know how I'm going to explain that to her without sounding like a 15 year old whining about... something. I'm in college right? Buck up, bring the heat! Say something outragious and watch the world unravel or tear apart your ideas. Right? Right? Ugh.


Math test Wed.
I WILL fail it.
But I think I'll stay in the class and just try to concentrate on the concepts, really try and learn them ( at my own pace) and then I'll retake the class over the summer. We're just moving to quickly through it. I got lost 4 sections ago and everything stacks on top of each other.
I thought I was going to get a job, but the guy didn't call me by 3pm- which is when he was going to call if I DID get the job. So it's back to the newspaper and help ads to try and find SOMETHING- anything.

I've discovered something.
I love the 90's. I was listening to the radio and out of NOWHERE 3LW "No More" came on and all of a sudden I was dancing like I never have before, it was great.

I laid out today.
That was great to.


I don't like the name Joseph
If I could go anywhere in the world in this very moment it would be outer space.
My new favorite show is Bones.
Favorite comedy movie= Airplane. And I haven't seen it FOREVER.
I've LOVED hot tubbing more than sleeping the last 2 weeks.
I've blushed only twice in my life and I actually AM disappointed.


roger roger.

233

This week will be like unto NO other.
Evan, Ryan, Davin, Parker, Dustin, Garret, Brandon.

I will have 7 stories to tell once the end of the week comes. Everyone get excited because I'm absolutely SURE there will be some good ones. I'm really excited, and I hope this keeps up.

Things have been a little um..INSANE. I'm distracted from school because of all the sunshine. I can't help myself. When the sun comes this rarely you HAVE to soak it up. Needless to say I will most likely fail my Math test, and I never turned in my critical reading questions for Geography- oh, and I haven't read for Social Work. I'm on a roll- with a tan though!. I'm honestly ok with it.

I've been trying to figure out what exactly I changed to make me more.. ME.
I can't figure it out. I think it's just that I honestly thought about it and decided what I was ok with, and then cut out the things that I wasn't. And am working on the things that will never go away but that CAN be improved.

I'm all about progression- just in case anyone had ya know.. any doubts.BAH HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!


I'm loving life.
I'm so happy.
And I know that it's a blessing and a gift.
Thank YOU. -you know who you are-

232

Applied for two more jobs.
I have an application for a third.
NEED to get an application from the pool.
And need to turn IN an application.

Last night for work out we did the Army PT test. If I was ever even going to THINK about joining the armed forces I would be in category "Awesome" for fitness. Mary told me so. I ran 2 miles in under 15 minutes. Easy. Push-ups and sit-ups? A cake walk. Sprints. Perfect. Too bad I won't ever join. I am going to do a marathon though, so ... all those things should help-somehow.

I saw Patrick this morning. Working out. I don't know why, but I find it weird to see my personal trainer kicking his own trash. I guess it makes sense, but I've never seen him really.. sweat before- if that makes sense. It made me see him as an actual human being. Weird? Maybe.
I also ran into Lindsey! And it was an absolute PLEASURE to see her. I don't know what else to say about that except I haven't seen her in a good 4 years, and we're planning a little get together in a couple of weeks to really catch up. Should be good.


[r] lives by me. So I drove past his house, I haven't seen him in a few days and call this prematurely protective or care centered but I actually DO worry about him being all alone in that big house. I may not be the one to keep him company {especially with his situation being so raw} but I don't know. I just hope he's ok. It's Valentines Day tomorrow and well, that would be tough in his situation.

I really need to do some laundry.
Vacuum my room.
Applications, applications, applications.
Math homework and Geog. readings.
Possibly hang with Jarren, Tyler, and Evan later. "milk chocolate"


I really miss Meggae and Wisteria.
Suck.