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Laughed myself awake, I have no idea what I was dreaming about, or why it was so hilarious-but apparently it was. Have you ever been so tired that you feel... not just tired but so so sick. That's where I'm at right about now. I know it's just that tired sickness thing where your whole body is achy and tense, weird brain pulses and heavy eyelids, and really you could probably keel over just about anywhere and be dead to the world in seconds.

Yeah.
I'm up on campus. Arrived at about 715 and am now on blogspot trying to keep myself awake so I don't miss my next 2 classes. After that I'm home free to crawl back in my magical bed and snaggle a few.

I'm failing Math. Although my failing this time around is much better than my failing last time around so I'm counting it as some kind of accomplishment. Sad right? Maybe I should be more worried about it, but I'm pretty sure I've figured out my school situation- figured it out as in I'm not going to graduate from University with a degree or anything. I'm more of a certificate person. So yeah. I'm good with it. But don't think I'm not trying because I'm trying much harder this time around-and I am proud of it, though it shows very little as far as my grades. In Math.

I have a secret. So I'm not going to tell you exactly what I'm talking about for the next couple sentences.

It's all coming together. And all I can do now is just wait for things to pan out on their side. Then hopefully things will come thundering together and I'll be off to the start a new season of my life. I'm not sure I'll tell anyone my secret. I'm pretty sure I'll just keep it to myself and my family and then one day everyone will wonder what happened. I guess I just don't want anyone's opinions about what I plan on doing with my life. I figure the Lord knows, my family knows. My family approves and I feel good about it spiritually so nothing can influence that- but yeah. I don't want to risk it but oh baby I'm so freaking excited!

Can't wait.
Can NOT wait.

Just several more weeks and things will be finalized.

I can only see one small thing that could possibly distract me. But in a good way. So.. let's see if the distraction will happen right. I kinda feel like it could here in the next little while, especially if the "elbow pinch" continues.

I made a comment in Relief Society yesterday. It doesn't matter what I said but I thought it was interesting what happened next. Sis. Merrill came over and sat by me at linger longer and said something to this effect..
"Ya know, I've learned something about you. You don't comment very much in class, and you rarely stand up and verbally share your testimony with us-but when you DO raise your hand to comment, or do stand up and share your testimony verbally with us I know to listen, because your perspective on things is unique and special and it impacts me greatly every single time."

It made my day. Because she's right on at least one of those things. I don't share what I feel often. It's hard for me to articulate what the most important things in this world mean to me. And I think for me I've chosen to share what I believe by the way that I live my life. It is rare for me to comment or speak up, but if I do it's because I feel particularly effected by it, and it's true that my perspective or take on things is seen slightly different from others.


For example.
We talked about baptism. And about us being willing to take the name of Jesus Christ upon us. I certainly find that amazing, but what I find more amazing is that the Lord and our Savior would be willing to LET US do that. I know for me names are very important. I'm named after my Great Grandmother- and with that I know there are certain standards and conducts of life that I need to live by and be an example of. I don't want to do anything to befoul her name or be a disappointment TO the name. In turn it would be a very big deal if one of my children were to name their child after me. Or for me to give my name to one of them. I would expect certain things with that action, I would want them to respect my name and to respect themselves WITH that name. It's a big deal. And I find it impressive and loving that he would trust me and many others with that privilege.

I love what the gospel teaches me personally. And I like that it's individualized and customized because each of us see things differently- though the outcome I think is very similar.
Just a thought.

Black light paint party tonight. :D

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So I really just feel like I'm supposed to be there.
But I also don't know what I can do to speed up the process to get things in place.

OH MY GOSH. I just feel like I'm about to explode. But only sometimes.
There are long moments of peace, and comfort, and I feel like I KNOW that where I'm at... it's not the most exciting, it doesn't feel the most productive, I'm not entirely happy, but I'm not sad or upset about anything either.. I just feel like.. I'm here. And during those long moments where I'm okay with that- I'm okay with that.

But then there are moments like tonight where.. I'm going out, spending time with people, laughing, getting a chance to learn things about other people and to share little things about myself. I'm being social and engaging in things that make me feel I dunno, different- and it's just NOT enough. I don't understand why everything at this point just feels so meaningless. Why there's absolutely no passion in anything that I'm doing. Why I just can't care about things the way I used to, really laugh, genuinely feel ... anything.

I don't know what's wrong.
And that's just it. I hate feeling like there's something wrong with me.
So things are the most exciting... but I just feel like... I'm stuck.


I'm trying to shake things up. I'm trying to do things differently. I'm trying to define who I am and stand for things that I believe in but I'm just not getting anywhere. And I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do with the little energy that I do have.

I feel invisible.

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Made bread for the first time in my life.
4 different kinds.
They were devoured by all.


Go freaking me.
Also. Saw Karate Kid. FINALLY. Want to be like Drea.

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So I have a mini job for the time being.
Cleaning my house for my mom, and she put me on a retainer for the month-I'll do this until I find something else I suppose.

It kinda works out, because I mostly clean up the house anyways because I can't stand it when it's messy (I have this thing with bugs and spiders, and if things are clean there are less places for creepy crawlies to hide. Yeah whatever, I'm a wuss). So it's good. Just a daily upkeep and I'll get paid at the end of the month.

I can't wait for them to leave on Halloween ( they're going back to Australia, and then to New Zealand for 2 weeks) because then I can attempt another overhaul. They just weren't gone long enough for me to get to everything last time when they went to South Dakota. But with 2 weeks- this place will be golden by the time they return, and all their pack rat hoardage will have vanished-PRETTY FREAKING EXCITED!

I'm glad they're going together. They need this trip :D

Temple earlier today-I needed it.
Party tomorrow night at Jeff's.
No classes Friday.
Nice long weekend.
2nd Math Exam over.



Word.

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I just can't wait.

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Yep.
Woke up to my little sister talking LOUDLY to some beef sales men guy- who I'm pretty sure was trying to pull a fast one on her.

People that can't handle door to door salesmen, I don't understand.
This guy was pretty good I must say. I listened for a good fifteen minutes to his ridiculous gig and then jumped in when I saw him trying to "close the door" or sale.
Came out from behind the corner, said we most certainly weren't interested, had he bothered to find out if she was the head of the house?, and then to take his nicely cut meats and leave.


She (my sister) is going to be one of those people that gets suckered into anything. And maybe I was a little too rude to the guy (yeah right) but I'd been awoken by his pathetic pitch, my dogs were barking off the charts and I was hungry.

What do ya do?
;)

He said "no problem" about 15 times. Yeah once a minute.

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Sundays. Yes.
I guess the hardest part, and best part of the repentance process for me (besides forgiving myself)-is the confessing part. Whether it be to a bishop or just to the Lord. It's not really in human nature to want TO confess. But as I sat in Relief Society thinking about things, a thought occurred to me.

When we confess it in a way gives up added strength to what we are trying to forsake. I'm all about working out and tracking my food, and gym stuff right? So an analogy with food seems appropriate. I keep a food log, and for the most part I can be accountable to myself for making changes when I know that my diet( diet here is a really loose term for lack of a better one. I don't diet. I do my best to live a fully and healthy lifestyle) begins to slip. But sometimes ( and these moments are becoming more and more rare) I'll justify allowing myself to eat certain things, maybe something has become a problem. Whether that problem be that I don't account for it in the way that I've chosen to track it, or some other reason. I'm no longer allowing myself to BE accountable TO myself. In a way, I let my own self down. I cheat myself. I'm not honest with myself. That's when someone else needs to come and needs to help me track my health goals. It's a strength TO me because I'm not going to be as likely to let something slip in or get distracted by something ELSE if I'm having to be ACCOUNTABLE to someONE else. And mostly likely I'll forsake that particular food item if I know that the OTHER person is going to look over things-THAT particular thing.

I think it's the same thing with the confession part of repentance.
It's not easy, but it causes you to have to be honest with yourself again-and in turn you'll be more honest with other people and in the process.
Just a thought I had.


Hogwarts afternoon followed by a magical nap.
Can't wait to play Phase 10.