Man. We're gettin' weird.
I dunno, but the last couple of days I've been strolling around with a perma-smile on this mug. Super content. More security than ever before. And I'm just amazed at how good everything feels right now. I know a few reasons for why.
TTOTM (It really was a blessing)
Things with him.
Things with the other him.
Things with Him.
New music downloads.
Progress with the roomies.
Nicole's Bday.
I wrote a song-and it's AWESOME.
In fact... I'm going to post it.
I wrote this FOR Nicole. You won't understand what it's about but it was a success. She laughed really hard. That means it was successful in case you missed that part. Here it is:
The sun just peeked out from behind the clouds.
My family wants to play "Would You Rather"...huh?
I feel like too much has happened for me to be able to get it all down.
Things were getting really crazy, but then a miracle happened. This miracle will give me about a week to figure this out, make a plan, and execute the plan. Thank goodness for miracles. I didn't deserve this one but I learn every day more and more about how merciful my God is. And how thankful I am for that knowledge and the love I know He has for me even though I'm not always valiant. I've met some pretty amazing people lately. People that are helping me to reaffirm all the truths that I've found out for myself and redrawing the line that separates black and white-the way it was before. It's funny the ways in which we readjust or recalculate the path that we're trying to stay on. And interesting how we find that in the least likely places.
I'm really happy right now.
Also.
I AM going back to USU. Just got an in with an amazing tutor and I'm going to kick the trash out of all the worthless math I've got to get through. And I will. So help me, I will.
Man.
Good.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
541
{I own 4 dishes, and they're all glass cups}
I think I got lucky with my roommates even though I hardly ever see them. And when I do they're distant. It's true. I basically live there by myself. It was the right choice though, and it's confirmed as time goes on and life begins to fill out with all the lovin' summer has to offer. It's been good thing for him also. The move has been good for US. Scratch the couple days where he went total MIA-but we're working on it. Work is starting to pick up (what I mean to say is my other jobs have begun), it's slowly...slowly....slowly... but surely getting warmer, and I'm getting thinner. I've met a couple people. I've ditched a couple people. But it's all a part of the adventure.
Been looking at a bullet bike. I told myself when I started at Uni that IF I graduated I would buy myself one. 3 years later I'm 90% positive I'm not going to graduate from Uni-but I'm going to buy myself a bullet bike anyways. I found one for a decent price, it's going about it that will be the experience. Getting my motorcycle license, um, learning how to drive a motorcycle (I guess those go together), it's a pretty daunting task but I'm so ready to wrap my legs around a powerful engine and fly through the canyon. Yep. I said it. I want to RIDE. And I want to do it now.
So I'm looking.
And lusting.
BATC is looking like a good fit, now I have to present the idea to my parents. I'm worried about what they'll say. But more about what they WON'T say. And I'm worried no matter what I decide I won't really stay committed to it, because when you look at my track record...well... it's full of fickle decisions about school and ya know.. my future. I think about that, and then about other things-for instance- how awesome the soundtrack to Fast Five is and how much I want to dance.
I'm getting the hang of this grocery shopping thing. Really struggled there for a min.
And I really need to get on purchasing a laptop, it would eliminate a lot of travel time.
I went to my new ward last Sunday. It was good, but I have a hard time making new friends, just something I have to keep working on I suppose. I could also help myself by maybe GOING to the activities but I guess it just feels "single"-and I'm not.
Which reminds me.. AGAIN. I need to get some picture of us. We're a BOMBSHELL couple if you ask me. Speaking of bombshells.. I went and saw my 2nd family the other night. I was feeling really..somewhere else. Needed some solid ground to stand on that I knew wasn't going to shake me around or throw me for a loop. I'm not sure how other people's families work. In mine I have 4 parents and 23 siblings. We know how to have a good time. You definitely WANT to be considered a part of my family, it's an elite clan of the most amazing people in the world, with the biggest hearts (and stomachs) in the entire world. Huge parties, catching up and cracking jokes, children everywhere, a roaring fire and friendships that will last a lifetime. There are few things I love more then sitting up on the hill and looking down at my family spending quality time together and enjoying a warm summers night-mossies and all. I'll need to get some pictures of that also. I haven't been good on pictures lately.
I've been thinking about my family nonstop lately and how they really are my best friends. I'd rather spend time with them over anyone else any day of the week and I love that we all feel the same. This morning as I sat on the guard chair and looked down at the wee 8th graders swimming around in the pool I thought about WHY I was thinking about my family so much.
A couple weeks ago I met someone. He was confident enough to leave his number at one of my tables one afternoon. I couldn't read the name but thought to myself "what in the world have I got to lose by contacting this person?"-so I did right then.
Even though I did end up losing something, I've learned a lot of things from him. And most of it reminds me of how lucky I am to have grown up the way I did, with the family I did, and with all the opportunity I did. He comes from a different situation. He talks about his friends the way I talk about my family. The impression I've gotten is that he didn't really HAVE family, so he made his friends just that. I admire that, and I'm very happy for him-but I'm happier that my FAMILY became my FRIENDS rather than the other way around. As great as I know my friends are, and as much as I love them with the deepest parts of my heart I know that NONE OF THEM will ever love me, or be as aware of my self interest as my family will. I have that to count on. I have that security.
I wonder about his security.
He makes me wonder about a lot of things.
I believe people enter and leave your life for a reason, every single time. I don't believe in coincidence or happenstance, I believe in purpose. I can't see exactly what the meaning of this friendship is or will be but I can honestly say he's amazing. And has turned out to be a very good friend, even with our many differences and expectations. He talks a lot. I wish he'd let me talk more, I have a lot more to say.
And I've realized I have a lot more blessings to be aware of then I am currently.
My family.
Talisa leaves for Germany tomorrow, for an entire month. I'm so excited for her! She's not nervous at all and I envy that. No way was I that confident at 15 years old. What a rockstar.
-changing over laundry-
Really happy these days.
Feeling a lot of love.
And can feel myself beginning to give a lot more love.
Cute moment last night. He took me to a movie (he has a thing for movies) and then we came back to my apartment. Talked, snuggled, etc. When it came time for him to leave (because THIS time he made sure I followed curfew-I totally cheated last time) I started tying the strings to his hood together. He lifted my chin and said "You always do that when you don't want me to leave". I looked up and saw him biting his lip. I said "And YOU always do THAT when you want to stay". We both just laughed. Sighs.
One day.
It's gonna happen.
:D
Went to Texas Roadhouse for the first time today. It was really good. But I ate to much and threw everything up when I got home. It was weird. I also ended up just tossing the leftovers I brought home. What a waste. Ugh. And now I'm at my parents house waiting for my laundry to dry and for Talisa to get home, so I can head back to my apt for yoga with Jonester. Parker's having a bonfire tonight, I need to purchase Nicole's present and I need to find someone to cover for me tomorrow night so I can GO to her party.
Looking forward to an early night tonight, after a really long hot soothing shower. I've got these really sexy dark circles underneath my oculars because of all the all nighters or almost-all-nighters, and my hair is in need of a professional trim. I try and do it myself but I sucker out because I have this THING with my hair. Maybe I'll just have mum do it.
Joni was telling me about a graduation trip to Australia she wants to take. I'm so glad she wants me to come with her-I love Australia and definitely don't get over there often enough. I miss THAT family. It's hard to be close with them, maybe that's why it's almost overcompensated for here... but I don't really see it that way. The movie we went to last night took place in Thailand. It made me miss it.
Travel bug may be making it's stealthy appearance.
The upcoming camping trip should stay some of the angst.
And Vegas with Jasmin (that trip is gonna be hella clean)
Annual Lagoon trip with Meggae
sucka.fish.
I think I got lucky with my roommates even though I hardly ever see them. And when I do they're distant. It's true. I basically live there by myself. It was the right choice though, and it's confirmed as time goes on and life begins to fill out with all the lovin' summer has to offer. It's been good thing for him also. The move has been good for US. Scratch the couple days where he went total MIA-but we're working on it. Work is starting to pick up (what I mean to say is my other jobs have begun), it's slowly...slowly....slowly... but surely getting warmer, and I'm getting thinner. I've met a couple people. I've ditched a couple people. But it's all a part of the adventure.
Been looking at a bullet bike. I told myself when I started at Uni that IF I graduated I would buy myself one. 3 years later I'm 90% positive I'm not going to graduate from Uni-but I'm going to buy myself a bullet bike anyways. I found one for a decent price, it's going about it that will be the experience. Getting my motorcycle license, um, learning how to drive a motorcycle (I guess those go together), it's a pretty daunting task but I'm so ready to wrap my legs around a powerful engine and fly through the canyon. Yep. I said it. I want to RIDE. And I want to do it now.
So I'm looking.
And lusting.
BATC is looking like a good fit, now I have to present the idea to my parents. I'm worried about what they'll say. But more about what they WON'T say. And I'm worried no matter what I decide I won't really stay committed to it, because when you look at my track record...well... it's full of fickle decisions about school and ya know.. my future. I think about that, and then about other things-for instance- how awesome the soundtrack to Fast Five is and how much I want to dance.
I'm getting the hang of this grocery shopping thing. Really struggled there for a min.
And I really need to get on purchasing a laptop, it would eliminate a lot of travel time.
I went to my new ward last Sunday. It was good, but I have a hard time making new friends, just something I have to keep working on I suppose. I could also help myself by maybe GOING to the activities but I guess it just feels "single"-and I'm not.
Which reminds me.. AGAIN. I need to get some picture of us. We're a BOMBSHELL couple if you ask me. Speaking of bombshells.. I went and saw my 2nd family the other night. I was feeling really..somewhere else. Needed some solid ground to stand on that I knew wasn't going to shake me around or throw me for a loop. I'm not sure how other people's families work. In mine I have 4 parents and 23 siblings. We know how to have a good time. You definitely WANT to be considered a part of my family, it's an elite clan of the most amazing people in the world, with the biggest hearts (and stomachs) in the entire world. Huge parties, catching up and cracking jokes, children everywhere, a roaring fire and friendships that will last a lifetime. There are few things I love more then sitting up on the hill and looking down at my family spending quality time together and enjoying a warm summers night-mossies and all. I'll need to get some pictures of that also. I haven't been good on pictures lately.
I've been thinking about my family nonstop lately and how they really are my best friends. I'd rather spend time with them over anyone else any day of the week and I love that we all feel the same. This morning as I sat on the guard chair and looked down at the wee 8th graders swimming around in the pool I thought about WHY I was thinking about my family so much.
A couple weeks ago I met someone. He was confident enough to leave his number at one of my tables one afternoon. I couldn't read the name but thought to myself "what in the world have I got to lose by contacting this person?"-so I did right then.
Even though I did end up losing something, I've learned a lot of things from him. And most of it reminds me of how lucky I am to have grown up the way I did, with the family I did, and with all the opportunity I did. He comes from a different situation. He talks about his friends the way I talk about my family. The impression I've gotten is that he didn't really HAVE family, so he made his friends just that. I admire that, and I'm very happy for him-but I'm happier that my FAMILY became my FRIENDS rather than the other way around. As great as I know my friends are, and as much as I love them with the deepest parts of my heart I know that NONE OF THEM will ever love me, or be as aware of my self interest as my family will. I have that to count on. I have that security.
I wonder about his security.
He makes me wonder about a lot of things.
I believe people enter and leave your life for a reason, every single time. I don't believe in coincidence or happenstance, I believe in purpose. I can't see exactly what the meaning of this friendship is or will be but I can honestly say he's amazing. And has turned out to be a very good friend, even with our many differences and expectations. He talks a lot. I wish he'd let me talk more, I have a lot more to say.
And I've realized I have a lot more blessings to be aware of then I am currently.
My family.
Talisa leaves for Germany tomorrow, for an entire month. I'm so excited for her! She's not nervous at all and I envy that. No way was I that confident at 15 years old. What a rockstar.
-changing over laundry-
Really happy these days.
Feeling a lot of love.
And can feel myself beginning to give a lot more love.
Cute moment last night. He took me to a movie (he has a thing for movies) and then we came back to my apartment. Talked, snuggled, etc. When it came time for him to leave (because THIS time he made sure I followed curfew-I totally cheated last time) I started tying the strings to his hood together. He lifted my chin and said "You always do that when you don't want me to leave". I looked up and saw him biting his lip. I said "And YOU always do THAT when you want to stay". We both just laughed. Sighs.
One day.
It's gonna happen.
:D
Went to Texas Roadhouse for the first time today. It was really good. But I ate to much and threw everything up when I got home. It was weird. I also ended up just tossing the leftovers I brought home. What a waste. Ugh. And now I'm at my parents house waiting for my laundry to dry and for Talisa to get home, so I can head back to my apt for yoga with Jonester. Parker's having a bonfire tonight, I need to purchase Nicole's present and I need to find someone to cover for me tomorrow night so I can GO to her party.
Looking forward to an early night tonight, after a really long hot soothing shower. I've got these really sexy dark circles underneath my oculars because of all the all nighters or almost-all-nighters, and my hair is in need of a professional trim. I try and do it myself but I sucker out because I have this THING with my hair. Maybe I'll just have mum do it.
Joni was telling me about a graduation trip to Australia she wants to take. I'm so glad she wants me to come with her-I love Australia and definitely don't get over there often enough. I miss THAT family. It's hard to be close with them, maybe that's why it's almost overcompensated for here... but I don't really see it that way. The movie we went to last night took place in Thailand. It made me miss it.
Travel bug may be making it's stealthy appearance.
The upcoming camping trip should stay some of the angst.
And Vegas with Jasmin (that trip is gonna be hella clean)
Annual Lagoon trip with Meggae
sucka.fish.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
540
Things just became more serious.
It's ironic because it's come at a time when I feel the least deserving of something so great.
But, I am also trying to stop feeling that way, and just work on fixing the things that have been screwed up and working hard to move forward.
I have to keep reminding myself that everyone has set backs. Everyone makes mistakes.
I just want to shut off everyone else, he kind of matters the most.
So here we go.
It's ironic because it's come at a time when I feel the least deserving of something so great.
But, I am also trying to stop feeling that way, and just work on fixing the things that have been screwed up and working hard to move forward.
I have to keep reminding myself that everyone has set backs. Everyone makes mistakes.
I just want to shut off everyone else, he kind of matters the most.
So here we go.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
538
Sometimes all you want to do is cuddle up on the couch and forget how much of a screw up you are. We chatted and watched a couple movies, then he shared some new music with me. Adelita's Way-life saving material. It's too bad he's a crispy critter (Sidenote-if you're white, wear sunscreen. This is basic stuff people), so I couldn't get too close. :(
Kinda feels like everything is going wrong, but really only one thing is wrong.
But that one thing is REALLY wrong.
And I just don't think I'll get over this.
It happens. I close up for a couple weeks, go underground, try to deal with myself and then hopefully come back into the world a little more functional and put together.
It's my fault.
It's all my fault.
I deserve what happens next.
Kinda feels like everything is going wrong, but really only one thing is wrong.
But that one thing is REALLY wrong.
And I just don't think I'll get over this.
It happens. I close up for a couple weeks, go underground, try to deal with myself and then hopefully come back into the world a little more functional and put together.
It's my fault.
It's all my fault.
I deserve what happens next.
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