595

I've been feeling unreal lately. I'm sure it's because I've been in a constant state of exhaustion since September. But I've been doing some thinking. Thinking about all the really good times that I've had with Cristian. All those special moments and I realized that I've mostly failed to write some of those things down. I'm sure it's because of said exhausted stated above, and that I worry sometimes that once something is written down... it hurts the memory somehow. I can't really explain it. Like what if writing it down makes the memory less beautiful than what it really was. Or what if I can't write it down the way it happened and it's forever remembered wrong because of the way you read it. And of course I have this thing were I have a hard time finding happiness, and looking back at all the times that I was or am happy makes things worse when I'm feeling down or sad.

I know.
I'm crazy.
But I should write this down regardless of all the insanity.

I remember the first time I spoke to him on the phone. I'd just gotten off work, it was snowing outside and I texted the number he left. He called me a few seconds later and I remember thinking how attractive I thought his voice was. I didn't know what was going to happen. As far as I was concerned nothing really was. That's normally how these things go right? There's potential, maybe you see the person a few times, and then there's a falling out and you're left wondering what the hell happened. You get over it. Then the next "potential" happens. He was fishing with his friends which I thought was interesting because it was almost midnight. I guess that's a pretty normal thing but at the time I didn't know anything about fishing. We talked for a few minutes, he set a date up with me for the next day and I went to bed feeling good.

Our first date was alright. He was 10 minutes late and he didn't look at me very much. We played a couple rounds of pool at Logan Lanes and he asked a lot of questions about me. He helped me with my technique which I remember thinking was interesting and was flattered/confused when he told me that I "had a beautiful smile"-he hadn't looked at me all night so how could he possibly know what my smiled looked like? Right? After in the parking we stood talking for a few minutes he checked out my car which I thought was funny and he told me he had a motorcycle ( I found out later he was just trying to impress me, which may have worked if he'd taken me on a ride.. but it was winter lol). He gave me an awkward hug-again not really looking at me and I left feeling slightly confused, but not overly concerned about seeing him again.

He called the next day and wanted to go to a movie. He was 15 minutes late this time and came wearing fishing clothes. I don't remember what movie we saw-it didn't matter though we talked through a lot of it and afterwards I followed him in his car to his mechanic shop in Hyde Park. He showed me around and I remember my toes were freezing because I'd decided to go open-toed that night. We talked for a very long time. He told me his lifestory and eventually the night wrapped up and I headed home.

I thought about it. Then I decided that I should maybe show that I was slightly interested by inviting HIM to do something. It seemed appropriate for a 3rd date but I didn't have any money. I invited him over to my apartment to watch a movie. He came over. I remember he was wearing a puffy vest and my interest dipped a little. I can't really explain that except to say I hate puffy vests. I went back to my room to grab the movie and he followed me? I was kinda confused, and I think he confused himself because he said "I don't know why I followed you back here, I'll wait in the living room" I just laughed.

We watched "The Other Guys" on the lovesac in my living room. He put his arm around me then went in to kiss me. Chickened out. Then went for it again and I allowed him to succeed. I liked the kiss, but not the session that followed after. I remember telling my friend Joni that I thought he was so hott, he had perfect lips but as soon as we kissed it was over for me. Way to much and at that point I felt like all my interest was gone. "Suck" right?

It's hard to chronicalize the way the rest panned out. We saw each other everyday for 2 weeks and basically every day since then. I have fond memories here and there though I can't remember every single moment.

For the next couple of days I'm going to share one memorable moment I've had with Cristian. These things are important-freak-I need to get some pictures too. What's my problem anyways right?


The time he was trying to read the title of a show on TV "Ricochet" and he pronounced it "Reeko-chet". LOL. I laughed so hard and the best part was... that he did too :D

594

Went in for my second appointment today. I was nervous because I've never had a physical. I know right? What kind of 23 yr old girl hasn't had a physical. It wasn't as bad as I imagined. The whole thing took less that 5 minutes and I got to hear my little one's heart beat again. I didn't know they were doing another ultrasound or I would have insisted that Cristian come along. I still feel bad about that. Everything looks good. It's heart beat is perfect and my body is in good condition also. Good blood pressure, good cholesterol, strong bones, good hips. Things are looking great.

Cristian took some initiative and worked on finding some cheaper places that we can check out.
Pretty tired these days. Should probably work on getting more sleep, eat more vegetables and maybe get more fresh air than I am.
Had a job interview the other day, I find out if I got it our not sometime next week.
And tomorrow I go into the studio to record my podcast for UPR.


Good things are happening.

593

Things are slowly coming together.
Figured out my colors.
And my flowers.
Bought my dress and veil.
Have the bridesmaid dresses figured out. Still need accessories.
We have a location for it.
We know whose marrying us.
Next is getting pictures for our engagement photos and people's addresses so they can get said invitations.
Sarah is in charge of my bridal shower so I don't have to worry about anything except showing up-and getting addresses for that also.

We still need to go someplace to get registered.
Need to figure out food.
And music.
And where we're living.
The honeymoon.
I'm sure there's more but that's all I've got off the top of my head.


In the meantime we're both worrying about money (we need more steady jobs!).
I have my 2nd appointment with my doctor tomorrow at 4pm.
Producing my podcast for UPR this coming weekend.


Sighs.
I can't wait till all of this is over.
It's funny how weddings are never really about the bride and groom, they're about making everyone else happy. I could care less about what goes where, who wears what (except for Cristian.. but that's mostly just because I'll be wondering when I'll get to take it all off), or what people eat.
The only thing I care about is him, and what this means for both of us, and this crazy start to our lives.

Everyone else can kind of suck it.
Lol.

592

Nov 19th.
Proposal.
Great Grandmother's ring.
January 21st.


Not ready.

591

I'm starting to show.
And I really hate it.
I get it.
But I really really don't like it.

Keep going back and forth, back and forth.
Smiling, crying. Lots of energy. No energy.
Confident I can do this. Depressed because I feel like I can't.
It's gonna be like this for awhile.

Went for a walk today with my dog. It was nice to get some fresh air and stretch my legs. I guess I should be doing more moving around cause I'm a higher risk of getting blood clots now? Joyous :D But it's a good thing, I should be out and about more instead of sitting at home all the time worrying about all the things I can't change, or can't change until other things happen first.



Need to figure some things out.
Be sure of the things I want.
Try to find a solution to things that I don't want but am dealing with.


No money.
Sighs
:D

590

Went in for the ultrasound today at 4pm. My anticipation over the last 2 weeks has been mounting and poor Cristian, I was almost crying by the time we got in today. I wasn't sure how I'd feel seeing the baby. Would I be excited or scared? Sad or happy? The best case scenario in my mind was that I would probably feel all of those things and have some kind of nervous breakdown.

Not quite.
We went through all the clinical stuff. Medications I can take, stuff about diet and exercise, etc, etc. And then we went in for the ultrasound. I honestly couldn't breath properly and my hands shook as I lifted up my shirt across my belly. She put that blue stuff on my stomach, lowered her little instrument and bam... there it was up on the screen. We watched it move an arm up and down and it's little leg stick up. It was crazy seeing it but then something else happened that blew my mind.

The heart beat. I almost started crying but couldn't hear or see Cristian out of the corner of my eye and didn't want to burst into sappy girly tears. I held it together until we made it to the car and then my mom called to see how it was. I started crying on the phone. It was what I thought... I felt excited but scared, sad but so insanely happy I didn't know what to do with myself. Cristian was awfully quiet. We both were, just taking in the experience we'd just had. My baby is healthy-perfect heart beat, 2 legs 2 arms and looking great. I'm eleven weeks and my doctor adjusted the due date to May 24th.


Crazy things happening.

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So I've had a lot of things to complain about lately. I'm not going to apologize cause it's all been honest and it's helped put things into perspective.
People nagging me.
My cancer scare.
And now I've got a urinary tract infection. Oh joy right LOL. Like life isn't complicated enough without it having to hurt like hell when you pee? It okay though, I got my medication to help clear things up today-should be back to normal in a couple of days.

I started laughing today, mostly because I was tired of crying.
Life's silly sometimes ya know, but today's been a good day for looking at the bright side. I have a wonderful family whose done nothing but love me more in my situation and are willing to love my little one with all their hearts if my decision is to keep her in the end. I've got a few solid friends who help out by keeping in good touch, planning fun things for us to go out and do, and just being there. I've got a boyfriend whose doing everything he can to make me feel safe, comfortable, and happy on a constant basis which I'm sure is just.. exhausting for him. I have a car to drive around until I can figure out what I'm going to do about my transportation. I'm in pretty good health, have food to eat, a shower to bathe in and a bed to sleep in. I have enough money to pay my rent for another month plus utilities. Thanksgiving is coming up and it's one of my favorite holiday's because we all get together and have a good time. And then it's Christmas and my brother and his family who I haven't seen in a couple years are going to fly out and ...it's going to be awesome. I've figured out what I'm getting for Cristian for Christmas and it'll take up a lot of my time to get it finished-which is good-I should be busier. It was sunny today and it felt soooo good. I'm not ready for the cold dark winter ahead of us in the next few months. We've got our script and our podcast is ready for production. My first appointment is in 2 days and we FINALLY get to see the little sea monkey :D. There is plenty of sunshine heading my way, and I'm going to work on appreciating every second of it.

The HAPPIEST people DO NOT necessarily have the BEST THINGS. They simply APPRECIATE the things they have. - Warren Buffet