72

I. CAN'T. DO. THIS. ANYMORE.
It doesn't even matter.
It never has.

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12:33am

Alright. Things have calmed down a little bit. All the way really.
I always sp-sp-spazz out right before I'm on my monthlies.

I hate the irrational crying.
And the unreasonable anger. It's not like I get violent, or yell at anyone. Mostly I just sit in my room and turn my music up loud so I can't hear myself getting angry. It's still annoying though, and then I feel drained and stupid- and tired.

Sarah came over. We talked. And then watched the Sisterhood. Chocolate. Things were alright....

The launch project was canceled because of the unceasing rain that cascaded down upon CV today. I think that's what triggered my "break down". The cancelation of OTS. Irrational tears.

Completely ridiculous. Gag.

71

Employed! And a' workin!

Finally got the green house job, I don't care if it's only for about a month. I would rather work outside and make 1 penny than work at a desk job and make millions. And so the last couple of days has been spent among the flowers, and how invigorating it's been! Huspaz! Everyone is really nice, and I get to work with Sarah Lynne- so it's always rockin'. And the other employees think I'm witty! That matters for some reason. Which is why I noted it. Here.

M finally emailed me back. I sent him a kinda-sorta-mean-harsh-but-so-true-that-I-couldn't-deny-what-I-really-thought-message. I told him to stop playing this stupid game because he's better than that- and that he could start making changes by stepping outside and taking a deep breath of FRESH air, because as far as I know he's been putting legitimate hermits to shame by hiding out in his basement. I don't think that I'm trying to become responsible for him- Sarah brought this up- but he was a good friend of mine, and I'm concerned for those that I consider friends. I want them to trust me. I want what's best for them. It hurts to see them limit their potential or stump their own growth... But he's finally talking so maybe just venting will help him put things into perspective. It's all I can do.

It's raining buckets so our launch project might be put on hold. Oh and my hair is really big. I really hope it clears up by 6 pm! Time to get the ball rollin'!! I don't want to wait anymore!
We do need the moisture though...curses.

Last nights date was AWESOME. We totally tinfoil dinner'd it up! A roaring fire, chocolate berry cobbler, smores, crochet, and horrifying riddles late into the night. Not one awkward moment and no pressure what so ever. Oh, and at the end of it they both mentioned a 2nd date.
I love hanging out with Damien, because I can totally just be me. Which is actually pretty impressive since I can only think of 3 other people that I've been 100% comfortable around- that's including girls.. I never feel like I need to impress him by being clever, or funny, or smart or whatever. Because he thinks I'm those things anyways and there's never been an uncomfortable moment for us. I don't know if I'm interested in an actual relationship. He's drop dead gorgeous, Canadian {I don't know why I think that's significant, but it is}, he's into archery and even makes his own bows and arrows. He's going to school to be a doctor and he's all about volunteer work. He supports my ambitions and is always eager to get involved with whatever I'm doing. He's not afraid to joke around with me {push me around, make fun of me, compete against me, etc} and he's funny.


I'll have to think about this more. But for now it's really nice to have a good guy friend that I can mess around with like my brother- because Matt's not here and I miss him.

70

Ziggity Zop!

So my program is in it's final "check" stage. Which is definitely awesome since I've been working on it for a couple weeks/months/years. Well, the idea has always been there {floating in the back of my busy mind}, but finally putting my ideas down on paper and hashing them out with the one person that I know will support my endeavors through thick and thin- Ms. Sarah Lynne- finally has happened.

Our first project is Sat. at 6 pm. And hopefully the beginning to a bright, productive summer of service.

My program is called O.T.S. {Opportunities to Serve}. A website and blog will soon be available so that our progression can be tracked and documented. We thought we'd give it a couple test runs to make sure things are legit before reaching out to the rest of my community- so for now it just involves my closest friends and family. The point is "lifting where you stand", because I don't think that people put as much emphasis on community service as perhaps they might if opportunities where there {of if they knew how to find out about them}. I know that for me when I think of any kind of humanitarian aid I think of saving up the big bucks $$$ to fly to some 3rd world country and make a difference. I do this, and I will continue to do this {in fact I'm going to Israel for next years spring break to rebuild a monestary}- but not everybody has the funds, or drive, or resources that I do to make it happen { I have been truly blessed}. That doesn't mean that there isn't something that everyone can do- at home- which is where charity should start anyways.

It's all encompassing. Not just limited to cleaning up a particular highway, canyon or park. It includes the Humane Society, Blue Star Women, Boys and Girls Club/ Common Ground, CAPSA, DI, Temples/Churches {NOT just LDS}, Sunshine Terrace, the Hospital, Breaking Ground, Life, etc. It also includes educating people about recycling {conserving}, gardening, and ways to live a "green" lifestyle. I'm including the seminars because as good as it is to talk about recycling, or gardening, or going green- I don't think that people really understand what that means. I know I didn't until I started doing some intense research and the drive to be more conservative as increased dramatically since I now know how to apply it to myself and my family's lifestyle.

I've directed it towards my age group and generation- because I honestly believe that it will be us that makes the difference. And I think that my generation has a pretty unique desire to better the world and instead of just "surviving" to learn how to "thrive" with the resources that we have. I'm not sure how it will take off- as I said our launch project is at 6pm this Saturday. I'm nervouse and jittery because it's so important to me, and I hope I can somehow channel my sense of urgency across my small valley and "lift where I stand"- because I have the power to make that change. And who knows? I don't want to get ahead of myself but it would be a dream come true to have chapters started all over the state of Utah, or the Western United States, or the Nation itself. For now CV is enough.

It's all very exciting- and I know that most of the people that have helped me develop the program don't have blogger. But I want to thank my family for all the support that they've given me, and most of all Sarah Lynne- because without her unavailing support most of my pursuits, dreams and goals would not have become a reality { and this doesn't apply to this program alone}. Thank you so much! And I hope this summer is one of learning, growth, and love!

Murphy's Law

We all know what this is..
But if by some strange phenomena you don't know what Murphy's Law is, whatever you do- do NOT try and look it up. Your computer will crash, burst into flames- stimultaneaously, and then blow till' kingdom come, inTO your face. I'm serious.

Several things that I can affirm to be true, because of the way my afternoon has played out.

1/ The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

I was dancing like a loon when my neighbor- who is old and therfore should have been taking a nap, trying to get out of a rocking chair, or taking a nap-glimpsed me through the bay window. {I realize this is stereotyping-don't judge me-, and I don't hate old people.. promise}

2/ Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

When carrying all my gardening tools down to the raspberry patch my small hand shovel {which of course it the tool I use the most} fell into the window well {about 6 ft down} and was snuggled in right next to the corner. It took me 10 minutes to get the sucker out. And then 7 minutes to get MYSELF out.

3/ The other line or lane will always move faster then the one you're in.

Driving into town- in a hurry for my interview everytime I switched lanes to get into the faster lane- the lane slowed down. Not only was I late, but I made myself look like an idiot in front of countless other drivers. I even saw one guy laugh at me as he passed.. in the fast lane.

4/ If you dial the wrong number you will never get the busy signal- someone will always answer.

Called this morning to say that I wouldn't make training because I'm feeling ill. I dialed the wrong number { and I thought it was the wrong number, but I gave myself the benefit of the doubt- red flag} some angry spanish lady answered and when I tried to say sorry she said something in spanish that I'm sure meant "moron", "dumb 'a'" or, "stupid" before hanging up.

5/ The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

I've had an itch in the middle of my back all afternoon. But when I try and reach it, I can't. And when I go to rub my back-like an animal-on some kind of surface { the wall, the corner shower door, the wooden post holding up the hammock} it goes away. Oh, and someone always sees me trying to do this - refer back up to #1

6/ As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

While in town I tried to find another bottle of my favorite perfume, only to find out that they stopped making it but I could buy something similiar, for less, that smells nothing like it...


All of these have happened to me this afternoon. I am a survivor- unless when I try and post this entry the computer transforms into a hot dog and starts singing "God Save The Queen".

68

A list of 10 things random-all pertaining to me in some way or another:

1. I'm O.C.D. {Occupied Constantly and Distracted} about text messages in my "inbox" and "sent" folders . Once I've read them, gleaned what I can, and replied I HAVE to get rid of them. Nothing says "clutter" like hordes of text messages taking up storage space and cramping my style.

2. I play my ♬ music loud ♪. And drive fast. These go together, as well as seperate ↘ but mostly together. The only explanation I can give for this is the pleasure I gain from adrenaline rushes. And my beloved appreciation of all things musical.

It's freedom. It's power. It's expression. It's LIFE.

3. My pet peeve: When people take something innocent and turn it into something terrible, or smothered with negative connotations. For example: The Swastika 卐, was first use in Asia to symbolize love, life and luck against all things evil. Yin and Yang ☯- 2 parts of a whole signifiying queisence, altered to the number 69 which means nothing but sex. Granted unity of a man and woman are implied within the symbol- but it's been peverted and defiled. On a more simple level even things like Walt Disney- all the "hidden meanings" within the movies and whatever else these hoo-haws come up with. I have fond memories of Disney movies and the values they planted within. It bothers me when people try to taint those experiences with whatever they THINK they know. Can't we just leave them alone?

4. My favorite animal is an insect. The butterfly.

Not only because they are beautiful and highly feminine, but because of all the symbolism that is attached to them. A butterfly is seen as the personification of someone's soul. Whether they be living, dying, or already dead. One Japanese superstition says that if a butterfly enters your guestroom and perches behind the bamboo screen, the person whom you most love is coming to see you. I support that! In Chinese culture two butterflies flying together are a symbol of love. Confession: I AM a romantic. Ever had "butterflies" when you're around someone you like? And can you think of anything sweeter then butterfly kisses {Maybe Eskimo, but I'm prejudice because I like butteflies more :D} And of course there is the symbol of rebirth and beauty. And of good luck. But it isn't all about the "untouchable" phenomena's, or the stories and myths/legends. The butterflies structure led to the development of kites and other aircraft designs- who doesn't want to fly? What's not to love about them!?

5. I believe that words and symbols are more powerful than anything else on earth. Stronger perhaps, than a face. Example: Anyone know who Gerald Holtom is? Many have seen his face. There's no doubt about that. And he's on my list of people to meet, and life examples. Anyone Anyone? Probably not, unless you're like me. That is to say an analytical that has to know everything about why, and how, and when, and what. Gerald Holtom is the creator of the peace symbol. And a personal hero to me.
☮

6. I have a lot of questions. Like who decided that pressing their lips to anothers could be a sign of physical love and affection? Or why is the "bird" the bird? {This one I'm REALLY curious about, so you can guess I'll be doing some research.. as soon as I have all my other random questions answerd.} Who decided what words were curse words? And where in the world does the phrase "OK" come from... Whatevs. Accents? Time? Holidays?

7. I thoroughly enjoy being a woman.

8. I also think that the world is a very good place, despite what "he" or "she" says.

9. Anything burnt tastes better- as far as I'm concerned. This includes toast, turkey/chicken, popcorn, soup. Basically anything that can have charcoal forced upon it I'm more willing to eat then anything else. Especially burnt popcorn. Delicious.

10. [[[[I collect dead plants.]]]]] Not because I "accidently" kill them, but because I let them die and dry on purpose. .. I've got my reasons.

67

Job training starts on Wednesday.
I don't know how to feel about this job. The problem is my super picky-ness and my dislike of sales. I can't ignore the $$$ though. Or the fact that I haven't been selected anywhere else. Maybe it's just time to bite the bullet *chips tooth* and go for it. 4 months. I already know that will be pushing it, especially if by some miracle I'm not picked off by the first 2 weeks.

I've got the job at Vector Marketing, but I'm going to try for 1 other job. The Scooter Shop. It's a sales person position as well but....I don't care. It would be exciting to learn all about Vesper's, Bullet Bikes, and other motorcycle-ish vehicles. I don't know how much it pays, but it just seems like it would be a job I would find appealing and interesting.
So early in the morrows "a.m." I'm going to head in- and give Tony one {1} last call.

This afternoon was invigorating. At 4:30 we {me, and 20 of my friends} headed to the middle school volleyball courts and kicked it up!
"Foul!"
"Sacrifice your bod!"
"Dive baby dive!"
"Throw sand in her eyes! Ahh!!"
"Spike! Spike! Spike!"
"It's mine!.....Just kidding it's not!!!"

15 games and 4 hours later the pavilion filled with food called most of our names. Middle names and all. The best veggie burger ever found it's way to my awaiting mouth and grumbling tummy, complete with sun chips and a nice paper cup full of crispy water.
Delicious. I haven't played Volleyball for such a long time, it was refreshing!
All the laughing was positive also. The only downside is the sun was blocked out almost the entire time by attention seeking clouds..
Ah well.

I need a new cell phone, but I'm so attached. My beautiful, powerful RED samsung slider.
I love you.

School starts in about a week.
I'm excited.
-Need to get my bike serviced so it will last all summer.
-Finalize plans in Israel.
-Hot tub with Maria.
-Engineers without Borders program leader position
-Date on Friday- still need to secure a date..
-Volleyball tomorrow afternoon.
-Laundry



Hmm.. things feel alright!

66

My dog jumped on my head this morning.
Twice.
----------------------------



Saturday I applied for about 8 jobs.
2 Responded today.

One, working in the Arts Museum up on campus. $7.75-ish.
And one working for Vector Marketing. All I know about Vector is they sell knives {not door to door which is good} and it pays about $14 an hour. I don't really have any of the other details. She was pretty shady on the phone.

But if I work that job, 40 hours a week for 4 months I'll make around $8000. Which I really need. I wouldn't have to work through my next year of school- plus I'd have all the money I need for Israel. Of course after all that I'll have to get another job because I"ll be flat broke- Again- or hopefully they would just work with me so that I could keep it.

And this all depends on if I like it.
And what if I hate it?
I need to have some kind of back up plan.

The green house isn't really working out. Why. I realize he's setting up a new store- but I just thought that he might have returned my messages to let me know the heads up. Especially since he's a family friend. And because I've called him about 3 times.... He could be super + {plus} busy, and I guess I get that.

Anyways, my interview is at 12:30pm. I'll do what it takes to get it I suppose. And if worse comes to worse I'll work there for a couple weeks and then hit the road looking for something else. I just hope it's manageable. And when I say "manageable" I mean it'll only be on those "ripping your hair out" kinds of jobs and not the "gouging your eyes out + ripping hair". I think I could handle that for 4 months. That's really all it will take- notice how I'm already pumping myself up for the interview. Not necessarily a good sign.
And I need to head up to campus to talk with Rachel about the Museum job. Even though it won't pay as much they might be more flexible with my summer school hours and what not- plus I wouldn't have bike to who the "h" knows where for this other job. It doesn't really sound like one of those jobs that they recommend you bike to- but it's the only mode of transportation and I sure don't want to buy a car. Not now anyways.