Woke up at 7:30 am to work on my math homework with Daddy. I seriously don't know what I would do without the father that I've been given. Truly, I have been blessed. So we worked on it and then I finished up about 3 more assignments that I'll have to turn in next week. I feel calm and ok with everything because I'm ahead.
Just the quizzes to stress over. And I don't know. I'm not going for an "A". Just a pass, so everyone cross your fingers for me.
After that I went and worked out for a good hour and 1/2. The eliptical wasn't as tough as it usually was, which was surprising because it's a Monday and I didn't work out on Saturday or Sunday. Maybe I'm getting even more stronger-er. Awesome.
Then I came home, showered and shaved my legs did some more Math homework and studied the rest of my Cultural Anthropology Chpt while watching the Office.
Did laundry in the middle of all that, cleaned up my room, made my bed and got signed up for Institute class.
Institute was awesome, except I got there late because the later on in the day it gets the more unreliable the busing system becomes. So I had to walk in 10 minutes late in front of the classroom and uncomfortably saunter over to my desk at the side. It was a good lesson though, although I'm kinda skeptical about the instructor. I've never had much luck with that, ah well. The girl I sat next to was super nice... and THEN.. in Cultural Anth. I got to sit next to the TA- who is super attractive, a cowboy, a Graduate Anth. and smelled delicious.
Plus he got a kick out of my color coded notes complete with pictures, stickers, and marker drawings. And then when I got embarrassed he said "hey, all it means is that you've got it together. You're organized, and probably brilliant".
He has a great smile.
The lecture was good, but had nothing really to do with.. anything. She just wanted to talk about her research.. which as much fun as talking about Shamaan "healers" probably could be.. it has nothing to do with anything we're doing in the class. It's just her research.
So it was a little boring, and I struggled to stay awake.
Now I'm home and have to figure out if I work or not, because.. I'm not driving 20 minutes only to turn around and come back if there's no reservation.
I have a headache, my stomache hurts a little and I have a bump in my armpit.
What does this MEAN?
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
138
Alright. Deep breath. Stretch fingers. Crack back. Update.
Uni's back in, and my head is ***blowing till kingdom come*** from the intensity of "shock-awesome".
Dag. I don't know even know where to begin this scatterbrained detraction.. Bear with me, if you read this.
Monday.
Um. Can we say slaughter me? It's not that my 1st course (Cultural Anthropology) was dreadful ( because it was anything BUT), it's just that I ran into the 2 people that I least want to see -ever- in the whole wide world (www). And especially up at school my first semester back after having an inspiring time for an entire freaking year. It wasn't a good omen, and it actually made me sick. [[Literally]]. I ran into Dave first off, who somehow never fails to make me swoon and lose my breath. I don't know what it is about him. No one else does either. Because he's not only wrong for me... he's wrong for in EVERY way. But we had a nice little convo. about how our lives have past and fanned out this last 365. It left me weak at the knees, and flushed in the face-- I stumbled off in the direction of the BookStore to purchase the rest of the literature. While in there I saw Manny. My stomach plummetted, I started to get frantic and panicky and found myself out in the hallway (without my books) basically power walking like an angry mother up the jam.packed corridor.
That's when I heard my name being called (screamed), I picked up the pace but I kept hearing it being shouted. Then I felt a foreboding tap on my shoulder, I barely glanced up to see that it was horrifyingly him and made a sharp turn up a different sidewalk. I honestly don't know what he said, I heard him shrieking something at me the for a good couple more second before he either finally stopped or I charged out of hearing range.
Later I found myself in the women's room at Old Main Hill crying, trying to get a hold of myself. Wasn't it obvious when I DIDN'T turned around that I didn't want to speak with him? And how embarrassing to have him shouting who knows what at me on my first day. He tries that again and I swear I'll kick him where it hurts. Twice.
Other than that, my day was perfect. Ha! Perfect. My Cultural Anthropology course is fantastic. I never knew exactly how much it actually entailed but I can tell already that I'm going to learn alot, and thank goodness I'm interested. -->Some other interesting tidbits? I know about 5 people in the class, the TA is good looking, and my Professors name is Glass-Coffin. Yes. I spelled that right. She wouldn't tell us the origins, but she will later on in the semester.
http://oak.cats.ohiou.edu/~thompsoc/Body.html
(for those you that click on the link above, and read this amazing article... can you guess what culture this guy is talking about?)
So. awesome.
Later that night we had a Foam Dance Party up on the Quad. It was alright, it had so much potential but it was nothing to get REALLY excited about. Just a bunch of college kids crowding the speakers, not really dancing, or if they are "dancing" it was more like having sex with clothes on. Honestly. Is grinding really that fun? And if it is, wouldn't it be MORE fun to do that at home, without anyone else around to stare at you, your own music, etc?
I don't know. I guess I just don't see the merit. But it was nice to dance and get some of the stress out of my system. All in all, a pretty good day.
Tuesday.
Up at 730 am for English. I thought it was going to be killer, but to be honest.. the only difficult thing about waking up that early.. was being up that early and trying to walk up 5 flights of stairs ( because I'm too stubborn to take the elevator). I met a kid Jeff whose going to be my study partner, and he's cute and enthusiastic so that's nice. My professor is a sweet heart and this class is going to be bird course ( meaning that I'll fly right through it.)
After a 6 hour break in which I purchased and returned books I didn't need, worked out, and ran home to take a shower it was time for my Natural Disaster class.
Hold on to your hats because this is by far my favorite class. Ever. At least thus far. What would you expect in a natural disasters class right? You're classic information about how things like Tsunami's, Hurricanes, Volcanoes, and Heat Waves form, and maybe global impacts yes? NO. WRONG. It's about how POPULATION growth is the NEXT Natural Disaster.
Such a great concept, and one that I am intensley interested in. The plus? I get to make my own [[Disaster Emergency Action Kit]], I met 6 people that really want to get together and study, Chad is in the class, my professor is super enthused about her job, and the classroom has the most comfortable chair and desks that I've had my entire college career. So rock on!
Next. Math. I knew it was going to suck, and maybe it WAS self fulfilling prophecy.. but yeah. It sucks. But my professor seems available to help whenever, I met a nice girl Eve whose a whiz at math and is going to help me out. Plus Michael Murray is constantly in that building so whenever I need him, he's just a couple yards away. Good thing daddy is good at math though, and since we got all the assignments right up front I've already worked my way through 3/4 of the semesters material so I only have to worry about quizzes and the final exam.
The chairs suck in that classroom.
Later that night it was Bingo Night. I couldn't go because I worked the Reservation. But one of my friends won a $3000 Starving Student Gift Card. ( I totally should have been up there, even though I am definitely not starving.)
Wednesday
Same class as Monday. .
Thursday
Same classes, met a girl that knew Becca Allred up on campus, chatted it up with the bus driver because he was attractive, and met a couple other girls that are going into FCHD which is pretty cool I guess. Had a couple quizzes, turned in my Math homework, caught up with reading and signed up for an Institute class. Oh yeah. And I had my biology lab!!! We played with termites then whole hour and my lab partner is awesome! She reminds me of my sister Jasmin and is gorgeous. Plus I met Nate whose this super hot black man whose going into Excersize Science. And he helped me with the Math homework I had.
My TA is pretty cool to. He's into crustaceans, and has been studying them for a good 5 years now. Wild!
Friday
Class. Fantastic. I got ahead on all my reading in the morning and then went to lunch with Jarren and Nicole around noon. Worst lunch date ever. Mostly because instead of including me in the conversation they mostly just talked to each other. I got the impression that the only reason Nicole really invited me along was so that she wouldn't alone with him, maybe because Clayton said something to her. So I sat there and munched my awesome mushroom salad, texted Scott on my phone because that's what I do when I'm uncomfortable ( and he helped me get through it by making me laugh and sending me jokes) and got out of there ASAP. I later went over to check out her new apartment.. which is pretty sweet except she's rooming with a bunch of freshman... which I personally would think awkward. And it was awkward when Nicole stripped down to her undies and naired her legs. It wasn't just that. But Clayton ended up coming and she invited him up. [???]
I'm not going to lie. I felt super uncomfortable and actually kinda grossed out when she lept onto him in only her underwear with her poor freshman roomates out in the hall and a couple of freshman guys to.
I dont know. I thought it was inappropriate ( mostly because I was there, whatever they do when no one else is around is their own business) so I left shortly after. We haven't talked since.
And actually since that incident I've really started thinking about things, and maybe it was just because it was weird day.. but I honestly don't have much to talk to her about anymore. She's not really interested in what's going on in my life, as much as she wants me to comment on all the happenings in hers. It's fine. I'm here to listen, but it feels onesided.. and how long will that last right?
*SHRUGS*
It's nothing I need to worry about now.
Anyways. Later I went to the 80's/Institute dance. Signed up for IWA and met a guy named Jeff who challenged me a couple of times on the blow up obstacle course. I won at blow up twister and danced the rest of the night away. I also met Zach, who I'm not interested in at all but for some reason he THINKS I am. So I had an annoying cling on who kept trying to make me laugh, dance up close, and get me alone. I was crafty and got away though.
Saturday
Worked 9 to 5 ( uneventful ) then went to a pig roasting for back to school at my Tongan family's house.
Uni's back in, and my head is ***blowing till kingdom come*** from the intensity of "shock-awesome".
Dag. I don't know even know where to begin this scatterbrained detraction.. Bear with me, if you read this.
Monday.
Um. Can we say slaughter me? It's not that my 1st course (Cultural Anthropology) was dreadful ( because it was anything BUT), it's just that I ran into the 2 people that I least want to see -ever- in the whole wide world (www). And especially up at school my first semester back after having an inspiring time for an entire freaking year. It wasn't a good omen, and it actually made me sick. [[Literally]]. I ran into Dave first off, who somehow never fails to make me swoon and lose my breath. I don't know what it is about him. No one else does either. Because he's not only wrong for me... he's wrong for in EVERY way. But we had a nice little convo. about how our lives have past and fanned out this last 365. It left me weak at the knees, and flushed in the face-- I stumbled off in the direction of the BookStore to purchase the rest of the literature. While in there I saw Manny. My stomach plummetted, I started to get frantic and panicky and found myself out in the hallway (without my books) basically power walking like an angry mother up the jam.packed corridor.
That's when I heard my name being called (screamed), I picked up the pace but I kept hearing it being shouted. Then I felt a foreboding tap on my shoulder, I barely glanced up to see that it was horrifyingly him and made a sharp turn up a different sidewalk. I honestly don't know what he said, I heard him shrieking something at me the for a good couple more second before he either finally stopped or I charged out of hearing range.
Later I found myself in the women's room at Old Main Hill crying, trying to get a hold of myself. Wasn't it obvious when I DIDN'T turned around that I didn't want to speak with him? And how embarrassing to have him shouting who knows what at me on my first day. He tries that again and I swear I'll kick him where it hurts. Twice.
Other than that, my day was perfect. Ha! Perfect. My Cultural Anthropology course is fantastic. I never knew exactly how much it actually entailed but I can tell already that I'm going to learn alot, and thank goodness I'm interested. -->Some other interesting tidbits? I know about 5 people in the class, the TA is good looking, and my Professors name is Glass-Coffin. Yes. I spelled that right. She wouldn't tell us the origins, but she will later on in the semester.
http://oak.cats.ohiou.edu/~thompsoc/Body.html
(for those you that click on the link above, and read this amazing article... can you guess what culture this guy is talking about?)
So. awesome.
Later that night we had a Foam Dance Party up on the Quad. It was alright, it had so much potential but it was nothing to get REALLY excited about. Just a bunch of college kids crowding the speakers, not really dancing, or if they are "dancing" it was more like having sex with clothes on. Honestly. Is grinding really that fun? And if it is, wouldn't it be MORE fun to do that at home, without anyone else around to stare at you, your own music, etc?
I don't know. I guess I just don't see the merit. But it was nice to dance and get some of the stress out of my system. All in all, a pretty good day.
Tuesday.
Up at 730 am for English. I thought it was going to be killer, but to be honest.. the only difficult thing about waking up that early.. was being up that early and trying to walk up 5 flights of stairs ( because I'm too stubborn to take the elevator). I met a kid Jeff whose going to be my study partner, and he's cute and enthusiastic so that's nice. My professor is a sweet heart and this class is going to be bird course ( meaning that I'll fly right through it.)
After a 6 hour break in which I purchased and returned books I didn't need, worked out, and ran home to take a shower it was time for my Natural Disaster class.
Hold on to your hats because this is by far my favorite class. Ever. At least thus far. What would you expect in a natural disasters class right? You're classic information about how things like Tsunami's, Hurricanes, Volcanoes, and Heat Waves form, and maybe global impacts yes? NO. WRONG. It's about how POPULATION growth is the NEXT Natural Disaster.
Such a great concept, and one that I am intensley interested in. The plus? I get to make my own [[Disaster Emergency Action Kit]], I met 6 people that really want to get together and study, Chad is in the class, my professor is super enthused about her job, and the classroom has the most comfortable chair and desks that I've had my entire college career. So rock on!
Next. Math. I knew it was going to suck, and maybe it WAS self fulfilling prophecy.. but yeah. It sucks. But my professor seems available to help whenever, I met a nice girl Eve whose a whiz at math and is going to help me out. Plus Michael Murray is constantly in that building so whenever I need him, he's just a couple yards away. Good thing daddy is good at math though, and since we got all the assignments right up front I've already worked my way through 3/4 of the semesters material so I only have to worry about quizzes and the final exam.
The chairs suck in that classroom.
Later that night it was Bingo Night. I couldn't go because I worked the Reservation. But one of my friends won a $3000 Starving Student Gift Card. ( I totally should have been up there, even though I am definitely not starving.)
Wednesday
Same class as Monday. .
Thursday
Same classes, met a girl that knew Becca Allred up on campus, chatted it up with the bus driver because he was attractive, and met a couple other girls that are going into FCHD which is pretty cool I guess. Had a couple quizzes, turned in my Math homework, caught up with reading and signed up for an Institute class. Oh yeah. And I had my biology lab!!! We played with termites then whole hour and my lab partner is awesome! She reminds me of my sister Jasmin and is gorgeous. Plus I met Nate whose this super hot black man whose going into Excersize Science. And he helped me with the Math homework I had.
My TA is pretty cool to. He's into crustaceans, and has been studying them for a good 5 years now. Wild!
Friday
Class. Fantastic. I got ahead on all my reading in the morning and then went to lunch with Jarren and Nicole around noon. Worst lunch date ever. Mostly because instead of including me in the conversation they mostly just talked to each other. I got the impression that the only reason Nicole really invited me along was so that she wouldn't alone with him, maybe because Clayton said something to her. So I sat there and munched my awesome mushroom salad, texted Scott on my phone because that's what I do when I'm uncomfortable ( and he helped me get through it by making me laugh and sending me jokes) and got out of there ASAP. I later went over to check out her new apartment.. which is pretty sweet except she's rooming with a bunch of freshman... which I personally would think awkward. And it was awkward when Nicole stripped down to her undies and naired her legs. It wasn't just that. But Clayton ended up coming and she invited him up. [???]
I'm not going to lie. I felt super uncomfortable and actually kinda grossed out when she lept onto him in only her underwear with her poor freshman roomates out in the hall and a couple of freshman guys to.
I dont know. I thought it was inappropriate ( mostly because I was there, whatever they do when no one else is around is their own business) so I left shortly after. We haven't talked since.
And actually since that incident I've really started thinking about things, and maybe it was just because it was weird day.. but I honestly don't have much to talk to her about anymore. She's not really interested in what's going on in my life, as much as she wants me to comment on all the happenings in hers. It's fine. I'm here to listen, but it feels onesided.. and how long will that last right?
*SHRUGS*
It's nothing I need to worry about now.
Anyways. Later I went to the 80's/Institute dance. Signed up for IWA and met a guy named Jeff who challenged me a couple of times on the blow up obstacle course. I won at blow up twister and danced the rest of the night away. I also met Zach, who I'm not interested in at all but for some reason he THINKS I am. So I had an annoying cling on who kept trying to make me laugh, dance up close, and get me alone. I was crafty and got away though.
Saturday
Worked 9 to 5 ( uneventful ) then went to a pig roasting for back to school at my Tongan family's house.
It was really nice to see Ray again, plus we have a date set up which is really terrific. I met a guy from Guatemala which is awesome cause I've been there, and he knew some of the people that I worked with while I was down there. I got to see my little sisters Susanna, and Emerilis, and I got to hold Vinni's new baby boy Isaiah!!! And I must say that brown babies are adorable. So are white babies.. but I think it's just because if I do have kids.. and that they will be brown, that I just can't stand it. He was adorable and I got him to smile for me. I almost met John who was really tall, and super talkative so it was a good social evening and I felt at home after long stressful week of classes ( in a good way)
Later I went on a walk with Sarah, rented Catch Me If You Can and fell asleep during the opening credits.
And today was Sunday. And I dont know if it was because I was just super tired, but the whole session felt like days instead of 3 small hours, and when I got home I promptly fell asleep again.
Hurray!
Another week ahead of me, and hopefully I can find some time to stay updated throughout the week because doing this.. right now... just about killed me!
Just a couple more things: I've lost another 5 lbs. And people have been commenting so now I know it's noticeable. I've kept up an incredible schedule and my eating habits are revolving I'm taking an advanced yoga class and I'm trying out this new body sculpting class on Tuesday.
I've made a lot of friends this week. And I haven't changed anything about myself- except smiling. I've been really trying implement this into my life, and the results have been overwhelming. It's not that I didn't ever smile before, but I didn't all the time like I am now.. and I've made more friends this week then I have in a really long time.
It's all about the smile kids :D
Friday, August 28, 2009
137
Because I can't blog properly until Sunday and I don't want to forget anything.. I'm making a list of things that I NEED to comment on.
1. The body rituals of the Nacirema
2. Foam Dance Party
3. 80's/ Institute Party.
4. Lunch with Jarren.
5. Scott's texts
6. Seeing Manny, AND Dave up on campus day 1
7. Week 1 of college
8. Weight Loss
9. the NEWest Natural Disaster to face planet Earth
10. And the attitude adjustment/miracles/friends making/friends losing/awesomeness.
11. And the pig roasting!
Now for sleep.
1. The body rituals of the Nacirema
2. Foam Dance Party
3. 80's/ Institute Party.
4. Lunch with Jarren.
5. Scott's texts
6. Seeing Manny, AND Dave up on campus day 1
7. Week 1 of college
8. Weight Loss
9. the NEWest Natural Disaster to face planet Earth
10. And the attitude adjustment/miracles/friends making/friends losing/awesomeness.
11. And the pig roasting!
Now for sleep.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
135
First day of school.
One class.
Not until 230 pm.
Cultural Anthropology.
Awesome.
Last night we had the end all of thunderstorms. It woke me from my silent slumber, literally rattled my windows, and caused my canines to quake with fear. The rain was overwhelming, and had I not been exhausted I'm sure I would have enjoyed it more. As it was, I hadn't been feeling well all day, and was looking forward to a good nights sleep even though there was nothing to wake up for this morning.
.. and that's not to say that I was woken up. 3 times. By varying members of my family. I'm 21. I know my schedule. I have an alarm on my phone. And besides all of that the sign that I've kept up since I've been home has been instructing NOT to wake me up because I can take care of myself.
One class.
Not until 230 pm.
Cultural Anthropology.
Awesome.
Last night we had the end all of thunderstorms. It woke me from my silent slumber, literally rattled my windows, and caused my canines to quake with fear. The rain was overwhelming, and had I not been exhausted I'm sure I would have enjoyed it more. As it was, I hadn't been feeling well all day, and was looking forward to a good nights sleep even though there was nothing to wake up for this morning.
.. and that's not to say that I was woken up. 3 times. By varying members of my family. I'm 21. I know my schedule. I have an alarm on my phone. And besides all of that the sign that I've kept up since I've been home has been instructing NOT to wake me up because I can take care of myself.
(1)"Don't you have class today?"
(2)"Hey what time is your first class?"
(3)"You've got school today, don't forget!"
(2)"Hey what time is your first class?"
(3)"You've got school today, don't forget!"
Um yeah. I know that better then you do. And it's not till "2 effing 30" so get the "h" out of my room. It's been years since I've needed anyone to wake me up for.. anything. So why would that all of a sudden change now? Ew. I hate living here. Unless I'm in my room where no one can bug me. So I'm kinda cranky. Because of the lack of sleep. And the annoyance of my family.
I can't wait to go to school. It'll keep me busier. I'm excited about meeting new people and actually doing something instead of straight working. And then I have work tonight so it's going to get hectic here pretty quick. And I'm stoked. ( I hate that word )
It's cold. And gray. Sweats weather.
I'm ready for the adventure.
So bring it.
It's cold. And gray. Sweats weather.
I'm ready for the adventure.
So bring it.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
1(2)34
Last night I went and saw "Julie&Julia". And loved it. There were a lot of reasons. (1) Meryl Streep is BOSS as far as actressES in the cosmos, (2) France rubbernecked quaint, enchanting, and souped up (pun!) better than I imagined, and (3)everything that Julie tried to accomplished ( and everything Julia Child DID accomplish) left me feeling inspired. And discouraged. Because even though it was just this girl-women, working her way through a french cookbook... it placed my theories about life back into perspective for me.
Lately I've been feeling off.
Like I'm undershooting on something prodigious because of my "dot on the line"-in life. ( This is subjective). And I don't know if it's vaineglory, or amour-propre' [pride]--> these are basically the same bah!, or maybe it's depression slowly kicking back in with {[tension]} on the horizon, but lately... I just feel like because of who I am, and everything that makes up me: My family, my race, my "place" in the apple, my friends, personality, humor, religion, intellect (if I've got any) and just my tendencies, follies, strengths... whatever.... To me.. it seems like I'm supposed to do something extraordinary. There. I said it.
But I just don't see or feel that coming. I'm here in a.. .a little po-dunk town ( though things could be exponentially worse. Trust ME.), returning to academics after a year of self discovery which taught me much.. but also showed me just how much I still D.O.N.T. know about myself, I have like.. 1 friend that I hang out with consistently. Regularly. predictably ( and just to make things clear I adore her 100%. She's CHOICE.), I haven't moved out - for real anyways, I work at a mediocre job making mediocre pay, no significant other ( unless you count my canines)......
So I've been reasoning.. about.. my life (subjective subjective subjective). The path I'm on - or off. The things I do- and don't. The habits I've formed-lost, the changes that could me made to maybe cater to my thinking maybe my mission is life actually really is important instead of.. feeling.. well, {{{{ordinary}}}}.
I could step things up a notch. Like being more social. Even if that means being uncomfortable. Really going for something academically that could make me happy. Accomplished, even if that means retaking and retaking classes, getting a tutor, or staying in school lo0nnngerrr than your average "jo". I'm making changes physically so I feel calm about that. But maybe it's time to do something SUPER uncomfortable to jossle things up and make life interesting again.
Lately I've been feeling off.
Like I'm undershooting on something prodigious because of my "dot on the line"-in life. ( This is subjective). And I don't know if it's vaineglory, or amour-propre' [pride]--> these are basically the same bah!, or maybe it's depression slowly kicking back in with {[tension]} on the horizon, but lately... I just feel like because of who I am, and everything that makes up me: My family, my race, my "place" in the apple, my friends, personality, humor, religion, intellect (if I've got any) and just my tendencies, follies, strengths... whatever.... To me.. it seems like I'm supposed to do something extraordinary. There. I said it.
I think I'm supposed to do something extraordinary.
LOUD enough?
LOUD enough?
But I just don't see or feel that coming. I'm here in a.. .a little po-dunk town ( though things could be exponentially worse. Trust ME.), returning to academics after a year of self discovery which taught me much.. but also showed me just how much I still D.O.N.T. know about myself, I have like.. 1 friend that I hang out with consistently. Regularly. predictably ( and just to make things clear I adore her 100%. She's CHOICE.), I haven't moved out - for real anyways, I work at a mediocre job making mediocre pay, no significant other ( unless you count my canines)......
Ordinary. Completley. Incredibly. unDoubtedly. o.r.d.i.n.a.r.y.
Instead of Extraordinary.
Instead of Extraordinary.
So I've been reasoning.. about.. my life (subjective subjective subjective). The path I'm on - or off. The things I do- and don't. The habits I've formed-lost, the changes that could me made to maybe cater to my thinking maybe my mission is life actually really is important instead of.. feeling.. well, {{{{ordinary}}}}.
I could step things up a notch. Like being more social. Even if that means being uncomfortable. Really going for something academically that could make me happy. Accomplished, even if that means retaking and retaking classes, getting a tutor, or staying in school lo0nnngerrr than your average "jo". I'm making changes physically so I feel calm about that. But maybe it's time to do something SUPER uncomfortable to jossle things up and make life interesting again.
It wouldn't be something crazy like.. joining the army, moving to Nepal with no plan in mind, or changing my name to Gertrude Vesplessan. At least I don't think...
I just think I'm ready for a new set of challenges that are..oh I don't know.. NEW.. &/0r different. Because it seems like that same ones just keep getting recirculated. Over and over. Over and over. And I'm tired. And sick. Of it. Yes. Of IT.
I'm sure there are those that are wondering that the "h" this has to do with "Julie&Julia"??{?????}. Well, it's all about making goals. No matter what they are. And freaking following through with them because that's something that everyone feels good about. So what if it was this silly 30 yr old woman trying to find some kind of identity?.. and she found it in a cookbook? In Julia Child. That's more than I can say for myself. Frankly. Sadly. Embarrassingly.
So I'm going to make a goal. And I don't care if it sounds stupid, or pointless, or impossible, or confusing. I'm just going to do it. And accomplish it. Because I'd really like to say that I accomplished something that was important to me. no matter how lame or small it is to a relative audience....
Spoiler alert! I have no idea what this goal is going to be. Maybe it'll be finally working up the courage to strike up a conversation with Mike from the pool. Or cutting my hair ( I know this sounds like.. what? But I've had the same hairstyle since I was 8. Shut it.). Maybe it'll mean asking questions in class or really.. finally.... asking for help when I need it ( in school). It could mean buying myself a fish and keeping it alive for more than a month ( because I still haven't done this). It might be trying something that's really scary for me.. public speaking. public singing... public.. anything.
So I'm going to make a goal. And I don't care if it sounds stupid, or pointless, or impossible, or confusing. I'm just going to do it. And accomplish it. Because I'd really like to say that I accomplished something that was important to me. no matter how lame or small it is to a relative audience....
Spoiler alert! I have no idea what this goal is going to be. Maybe it'll be finally working up the courage to strike up a conversation with Mike from the pool. Or cutting my hair ( I know this sounds like.. what? But I've had the same hairstyle since I was 8. Shut it.). Maybe it'll mean asking questions in class or really.. finally.... asking for help when I need it ( in school). It could mean buying myself a fish and keeping it alive for more than a month ( because I still haven't done this). It might be trying something that's really scary for me.. public speaking. public singing... public.. anything.
I'm just excited to figure out what I'm going to do. Because I AM ready to DO something that makes me feel uncomfortable? sure... but... awesome because I was brave enough to try something different then what I always do.
And that's what Julie. AND Julia taught me last night.
And that's what Julie. AND Julia taught me last night.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
133
Just in case my list of reasoning wasn't enough, the way that you just reacted..was.
{later.ish}
Alright. Now that I have some time for explaining... Here goes.
I worried about how I would feel after pulling the reigns on the whole parade. I wondered if I would feel sad, or like I'd made the wrong choice. And what a relief it was that he DID react that way because it confirmed my feelings more so then anything else had thus far.
So thanks Manny. Thanks for being an inconsiderate clod. I have no regrets, and that's all I've asked out of life since I realized that was an option.
{later.ish}
Alright. Now that I have some time for explaining... Here goes.
I've never been the TTT {tantrum throwing type}. I didn't shriek or squeal as a child. I never stomped up stairs or threw things. Never stamped my feet or pounded my fists. ( I did however slam doors until I was 9 ). So I guess I just don't relate or understand the type of people that do. For instance my 18 year old sister, but on a more pressing and relevant matter: Manny.
At 25 (almost 26) years old you'd think that a person would have grown out of that. Right? Apparently not, since 2 days ago he threw the biggest fit I've ever seen ANYONE throw before. I don't really know whose to blame. And like I've mentioned before it's never really about blame for me. Ever. Its all about [[ reason ]]. I'd been feeling strange about the whole thing ( for a long while actually), and some of the ideas he had about life were very peculiar. Not bad, just not really my style and I started seeing problems in the relationship ( oh there were lots of problems ). So finally after much thinking and debating, compromising, and attempts at adapting it was time to end things.
For good.
If you want a list of reasons they are in a previous blog entry, and the list since I wrote that had about doubled in size. Added to the list were such things as: lying that he was LDS, which means that he was also lying about serving a mission in Belgium, oh.. and the sleeping around. So I gave him the news that I was no longer interested in getting to know him or continueing out relationsip, that I knew he would find someone that could make him really happy, and that I was excited for him to find that person. Wished him every happiness, and told him to take care.
And then he exploded!! In a way that I've only ever seen or heard about on the internet and TV.
I can't count how many texts he sent me saying that black women are evil ( I'm still baffled by this.. did he really just text me that?) That his friends had been right about me. That I hadn't had the courage to tell him to stop flirting 2 years ago ( keep in mind that I avoided him consistently for 2 years because he was a creeper). That he was never going to date a black woman again. ( why would I care?) and that any white girl was better than me ( aight ). He called me mean, rude, sarcastic, a player, said I lead him on, that I was ugly and fat, and that I was going to have a very miserable life.. and he hoped that I did.
Oh. And that he hoped I cried about him and that he regrets having absolutely anything to do with me. And all of this was texted in broken English. Not that it really matters, but it just seems significant to me. Or funny. Somehow ironic.
There was a break in his tasteless rant and I simply told him that I was sorry he felt that way, that it was never my intent to lead him on, and that I hadn't encouraged him he'd done that all on his own, and that I thought it was best that he didn't contact me ever again to make things "simple" and then let him know that I hoped he had a great life and wished him success in everything he attempts to do with his life.
That started another rant about....something. I didn't read the 15 texts he sent after that. Instead I just deleted them, then blocked his number from my phone. He tried calling and I told him I'd call the cops if he attempted to get in contact with me again. Which is funny because he had a restraining order put on him 2 years ago when he was stalking me around campus.
And then I hung up on him.
And then I laughed.
I called Sarah Lynne to give her the news and then we laughed together.
Just in case my list of reasoning wasn't enough, the way that he just reacted..was.At 25 (almost 26) years old you'd think that a person would have grown out of that. Right? Apparently not, since 2 days ago he threw the biggest fit I've ever seen ANYONE throw before. I don't really know whose to blame. And like I've mentioned before it's never really about blame for me. Ever. Its all about [[ reason ]]. I'd been feeling strange about the whole thing ( for a long while actually), and some of the ideas he had about life were very peculiar. Not bad, just not really my style and I started seeing problems in the relationship ( oh there were lots of problems ). So finally after much thinking and debating, compromising, and attempts at adapting it was time to end things.
For good.
If you want a list of reasons they are in a previous blog entry, and the list since I wrote that had about doubled in size. Added to the list were such things as: lying that he was LDS, which means that he was also lying about serving a mission in Belgium, oh.. and the sleeping around. So I gave him the news that I was no longer interested in getting to know him or continueing out relationsip, that I knew he would find someone that could make him really happy, and that I was excited for him to find that person. Wished him every happiness, and told him to take care.
And then he exploded!! In a way that I've only ever seen or heard about on the internet and TV.
I can't count how many texts he sent me saying that black women are evil ( I'm still baffled by this.. did he really just text me that?) That his friends had been right about me. That I hadn't had the courage to tell him to stop flirting 2 years ago ( keep in mind that I avoided him consistently for 2 years because he was a creeper). That he was never going to date a black woman again. ( why would I care?) and that any white girl was better than me ( aight ). He called me mean, rude, sarcastic, a player, said I lead him on, that I was ugly and fat, and that I was going to have a very miserable life.. and he hoped that I did.
Oh. And that he hoped I cried about him and that he regrets having absolutely anything to do with me. And all of this was texted in broken English. Not that it really matters, but it just seems significant to me. Or funny. Somehow ironic.
There was a break in his tasteless rant and I simply told him that I was sorry he felt that way, that it was never my intent to lead him on, and that I hadn't encouraged him he'd done that all on his own, and that I thought it was best that he didn't contact me ever again to make things "simple" and then let him know that I hoped he had a great life and wished him success in everything he attempts to do with his life.
That started another rant about....something. I didn't read the 15 texts he sent after that. Instead I just deleted them, then blocked his number from my phone. He tried calling and I told him I'd call the cops if he attempted to get in contact with me again. Which is funny because he had a restraining order put on him 2 years ago when he was stalking me around campus.
And then I hung up on him.
And then I laughed.
I called Sarah Lynne to give her the news and then we laughed together.
I worried about how I would feel after pulling the reigns on the whole parade. I wondered if I would feel sad, or like I'd made the wrong choice. And what a relief it was that he DID react that way because it confirmed my feelings more so then anything else had thus far.
So thanks Manny. Thanks for being an inconsiderate clod. I have no regrets, and that's all I've asked out of life since I realized that was an option.
So things are going really good. It's like the air around me suddenly just became less toxic and I haven't smiled this much in a really long time. It's so interesting how sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith and do something hard. And it sucks when it has the potential to hurt someone else. But I know that because I made that choice in the right way that I'll find what I'm looking for. Eventually. And that's fine. I'd rather wait then feel pushed into something because of silly fears or expectations laid out by everyone else.
So there's nothing on my horizon except for everything, which had made me feel pretty fearless. And what a great feeling it is. School starts soon so I'll be back in the busy, I've got my books so I've already started working on the material, the Office Season 5 comes out in a couple weeks, I have another hefty pay check coming my way so I can buy 2 more tires! And yeah. I've got one more deposit to make on my ticket to Israel in June, Sabina is coming to visit from the Phillipines and Scott and I are going to DisneyLand!
I've lost 15 lbs. As of a week ago. So maybe I should check again.
I just feel good. Work is almost over, the earth is slowly cooling off into jacket weather, lots of people getting married or having babies and it's awesome!!
Life. Ride it.
So there's nothing on my horizon except for everything, which had made me feel pretty fearless. And what a great feeling it is. School starts soon so I'll be back in the busy, I've got my books so I've already started working on the material, the Office Season 5 comes out in a couple weeks, I have another hefty pay check coming my way so I can buy 2 more tires! And yeah. I've got one more deposit to make on my ticket to Israel in June, Sabina is coming to visit from the Phillipines and Scott and I are going to DisneyLand!
I've lost 15 lbs. As of a week ago. So maybe I should check again.
I just feel good. Work is almost over, the earth is slowly cooling off into jacket weather, lots of people getting married or having babies and it's awesome!!
Life. Ride it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)