224

There's a formal dance [girls choice] this Friday.
I am psyched.

Now I just have to figure out who I want to go with.
Decision, decisions, decisions. But it's nice being able to make a pleasant one.

223

Alright, time for some venting. NOT the angry kind, it's more like the bottle for my "angst" *snorts* is full and because the top is still on the pressure just keeps on building.
I'm not a fan of exploding.

Last night changed my life.
I'm not quite sure what it WAS about shoving that 45lb free weight along the floor but that's the closest I've come to ACTUALLY losing it in a very long time. Especially anywhere even close to the gym.
I talk about the gym alot.

But you've GOT to understand as to why that is!
Is not only because I can [see and hear] the support I need for wanting to make and keep life changing goals. The endorphins don't suck.
But more than that-it's a safe zone. Nothing about the life I'm living OUTside the gym, affects me when I'm INside the gym.
The other way around isn't true. The gym DOES in fact my other life- but in all good ways.
I'm kind of a compartmentalist. (I'm pretty sure I made that word up-basically I try to keep all things seperate, so as not to create a messy knot of experiences I can't understand)

The point is, I can be the person I want to be without any fear of social faux pas, or judging. Misunderstanding or conflict. It's where I let go and I can realize my potential.
That being said, I haven't questioned by physical abilities in.. I mean.. Ever.

And I'm not saying that I did last night, because I forced myself past that wall but.. There was a moment, with Patrick putting extra pressures on my screaming shoulder, and Natalie breathing-literally-down my neck to pick up the pace that I thought one of two things was going to happen.

1) I was going to breakdown. Not only weep, but flood the club with my horrific torrential tears.
or 2) Snap mentally and go into full fledged hysterics.

I haven't been pushed that far mentally or physically in a very long time. And I don't understand what it was about last NIGHT that caused that to happen. I keep thinking about it.

Am I not getting enough sleep?
Is something else going on that I just haven't.. structured yet?
And why didn't I just let it go when I felt it? Psychoanalysis, gotta love it.
The point is, I never want that to happen again. Although nothing seeped out of my eyes I spent the rest of the workout on the brink of bursting into tears.
And later I lay trembling under by beloved covers trying to get that feeling out of my head.

Something happened.
And it didn't go away today.
During personal training I held back. It's not that I didn't work hard, or do a less than expected job as far as intensity. But I wasn't into it as much as I have been.
I'm really sad about it.
And I'm hoping things change tomorrow, I'll guess we'll see.




In other news:
My neck and shoulders feel as though they've been injected with cement.
Doesn't that sound delicious?

222

Ya know, I'm not suicidal. But I wouldn't say no to being run down by a semi right now.

221

It's how I've felt for a long time.
That.., as long as I have my faith, and music still occupies my world, no matter what else I miss out on, what experiences, relationships, achievements and adventures that everything will be okay, because I'll still feel [alive] with those two things.
Just a thought.


It's the beginning of another week. And I'd like to make some changes, because I've been slacking on quite a few of the things that were at one point consistent.

I'm not gaining any weight, but I'm also not losing. -currently-. It's because my body has reached a set point, but I haven't been doing anything to break down that wall. So it's time to re-evaluate my eating habits. I HAVE to stop eating so much at dinner, and start eating so much MORE at breakfast. And I need to start using my program again. I know that I'm not overeating by much, but everything counts and I haven't been... counting I suppose. More cardio, better endurance, stronger will. Also, it's time for some real meals, not this packaged/processed trash.

I'm going to finish all my homework for next week by Friday THIS WEEK. I'm not behind, but I feel more secure when I'm slightly ahead. I have a Hospice visit tomorrow at 4:30pm, and a presentation to give on Wednesday (note to self: wake up early to skim the readings, set schedule with Marla)

Along with that I'm making a goal to pick up and actually FILL OUT and TURN IN at least 4 different applications. And to de-junk my entire house ( at $10 an hour) by Saturday night this week.

I need to arrange some activities for my ward. I'll have figured out the Humanitarian Haiti project by Wednesday. {{I promise. }}( and I need to purchase my ticket) And I need to find some people to deliver meals, write a few letters, and make a few visits. It never feels like I'm doing enough. Sighs.

Clean car by Tuesday.
Service it by Saturday.
Hang up laundry by tomorrow- I procrastinate doing all the weird things-
Email Guido by Wednesday.
Return movie TOMORROW.


Get crunk.

220

Sighs.
And now it's time for a entry with substance, because I've been incredibly lax of late. It's not going to be exciting, inspirational, or noteworthy but this is what's been going on in my life, ready?


School's been back in for about 2 weeks now. It's a nice change of pace from the break.. ya know. Going from being completely unproductive to MOSTLY unproductive. I just can't seem to find a job ( and it's not because I'm not looking, but because I know the kinds of jobs that I like, can handle, and am willing to do- and the ones that make me want to dig up {{dead}} people, bring them to life and sick them on the innocent). My classes are exciting and progressive, I feel good about my Major the more classes I take for my degree. The professors are interesting and open to discussion, a difference of opinion-and even lack of one. I've met some pretty sweet people and am still mostly caught up.

But I just feel weird. Like I'm some kind of pawn in a game I didn't sign up to play. I know what I want to be doing (well, I know that it's not this), and it doesn't really succinct with what I'm ACTUALLY doing. Not that education isn't important, because we all KNOW that it is- but is this the environment in which I learn best? No. Not at all.
There's not much I can change about that this semester, and hopefully it flies by and I'll have the whole summer to live.

Along with this idea, I had an interesting conversation with one of my best friends. The idea that having an experience no matter the consequences ( good or bad), because it makes me feel like I'm alive. The idea that anything is better than just.. standing still. After pondering this theory I've decided that she's probably right. And the reason behind all the bad choices, impulsive desires ( like fleeing the country, or moving to a different state), etc. I mean, I don't really know how to fix that right now. I started today by taking a drive to '"the" spot. It's a place high in the valley where you can look down and see everything. No music, no phone, just like she suggested and I tried to reflect on everything that's happened in the past 3 years, as painful as it was. Then I thought about the person I am- the things I like, the things I don't. Things I have verses things I'd LIKE to have. And then tried to decide the person that I would be satisfied being. Satisfaction, not comfortable.

I tried to cut out everyone else, seperate who I am, and what I actually can be instead of the person that I'd like to be or I "aspire" to be, my siblings, parents, friends, church leaders, professors, classmates, personal trainers, teammates, etc. I tried to think about the life I WANT and COULD lead, rather then what I feel is expected of me, or what I feel would yield the best results for getting exactly what I want. Just- me. A person I could respect and be proud of.
Because I feel like the person I "ASPIRE" to be, isn't attainable in this life, because that girl has it all- and something like that isn't entirely possible in this life. I won't reach that here.

I'm ok with that.
But I wasn't before I really took a couple hours to think about. To accept that perfection isn't realistic. Not to say I can't try-because I believe I'm someone that always will [try] if nothing else- but just allowing myself to understand that I will always have flaws as long as I'm here.
That sounds like a "no duh" statement, but that's honestly something I haven't been able to accept-ever-until now.

So I then my train of thought landed on faults.
What things about me- that I personally consider faults- am I "ok" with having? And what ones do I want banished from my life forever? I didn't come up with anything substantial for a blog off that tagent, but I'm going to continue to think about it.

Next I played a game: 10 Questions. Yes, with myself.

1. What am I looking for?
- the flat line answer: happiness

2. And what does that mean to me?
- affecting change for good.

3. Anything specific?
-the quality of (a) human life. an overall goal for a better future-today.

4. Can I do that?
-I feel like it's something I was born to do.

5. So what's the problem?
-there are many.

Go on.
But, I don't know how to explain.
More questions then.

6. Are there people in your life that you don't WANT in your life right now?
- I believe everyone is here or there for a reason

7. Aren't you happy right now?
-I'm content, but I see potential for more happiness- whatever that means.

8. What do you think it means?
-more opportunity to affect change for good. more opportunity to affect the quality of (a) human life.

9. How are you going to change that?
-I'm going to start by saying yes. acceptance

10. Yes and acceptance to what?
-yes to living the life I've been given, acceptance that this is just the beginning.

I don't know.
Putting down on here and all the things that actually went through my brain are two entirely different stories. But it was a good start to figuring out who I can actually become, and not this dream girl that isn't going to surface in the 70-80 yrs. It's realistic, and I hate that- because it seems pessimistic-but maybe it's time to look at the crux of the problem.

I think right now I need to find ways to prove that just because I haven't always respected myself, and in turn been disrespected by other people- that THAT can change. And it can change today. You've got to start somewhere right?Next I thought about the times in my life when I'm happiest, times when I've felt on top of the world.
Powerful.

Here are some moments, in chronilogical order;
-When I met G.
-Freshman yr on my highschool swim team.
- The first time I made out with a boy (NOT my first kiss- just had to clarify)
-Graduation
- My solo trip to Italy
-Guatemala
-Arizona ( this one was BIG)
-June 5th 2008
-Australia
-Compassionate Service calling
-Passing Math 900

- there are many more, all mixed in between- but there's a list in general.
So is there something that all these things have in common?
They all made me feel as though I was affecting change for good.
Is there something that I do every day that makes me feel the same way?

Yes. Yes there is.
This is going to sound strange, but I feel powerful and affecting when I'm in the gym. Having dominance over my body- making it do all the things that I want it do, and not what IT wants to do. I'm not afraid in the gym. No insecurities. There isn't any expectations. There is NOTHING I DON'T know how to do in a gym. The regulars that know me there, I know BACK. I feel like everyone is exposed. Varying shades or red to blue faces, dripping sweat-everywhere, screaming muscles, a pumping heart, heavy breathing, people that need to be there, people that don't. Many of those things might cause another person discomfort. I know plenty of people that have a phobia of sweat, or any of the above- but all those things make me feel.. affecting.

I know who I am when I'm in a gym.
I'm powerful. dominant. agressive. hard working. unafraid. limitless.

Am I suppressing those things outside the gym?
Yeah. I am.
Why?
There's no overexposure outside those walls.
Why does that have to affect who you are?
Well, why wouldn't it?

219

It's really foggy tonight. I can't see the lights above the town. It looks like the Aura Borealis (sp?) came and decided to stay awhile.I hate fog.But I'm all about the Northern Lights. It's complicated.


He stretched out my back tonight, and now things are less stiff- though still pretty sore. I wish I had my own personal assistant to pull out whenever I needed a back stretched, popped, massaged- or all of the above.

But this is pretty good.

It's been a long winter.

218

It's called a lull.
And I guess that's why the only place I feel like me is at the SARC.

I've figured out why I like it so much. I always knew, but now it's in a way that can be written down. They care about what I'm doing, and because of that they've taken the time to get to know me. They know me well enough to understand how to make fun of me without making things awkward or embarrassing, and I them.

It's a good relationship.
I can call them my friends.
And I really love the group that I'm working with.
Especially Melanie because she's at the same level as I am.


I like feeling a part of something... that's bigger than me ( that's not hard to accomplish) but sometimes it is outside of my four walls.
Life's a little bit of a drag, for no particular reason...

lull

but I'm sure somewhere down the road I understand the reason for that.
Ha!