Pardon me while I take a well deserved "bow for the year 2010 ".
*BOWS*
Seriously. The year has felt like nothing but one big 365 act play.
And the last two acts (days) have been brimming with some absolutely spectacular acting; deserving of some kind of {prize}, {ribbon}, or pat on the back at very least. I'll turn around so you can pat my back, then I'll be on my way down my red carpet.
Pat it. Pat it NOW.
The stories.
The moments.
It's a wonder I haven't "exited stage right", if ya know what I mean. But I just keep telling myself over and over....and over again that in a couple years I'll look back at these moments and laugh hysterically. Hopefully funny tears come a'rollin down my face from the giggles and my abs hurt for days because of all the chuckles. And if that doesn't happen I picture myself doing what I'm doing now-constantly thinking "this will eventually be a good memory to look back on".
I don't hate my life. Don't get me wrong.
But we all know the stories and moments I'm talking about. The ones we all enjoy from time to time.
There's one day left till the New Year.
Let's see what stupid things we can make happen before the start of another crazy play.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
441 {Christmas Post}
So I realized that....I don't have much to say about the holidays.
It's really been a feeling that I haven't wrapped my vocabulary around yet.
It's just been.... relieving the last couple of days.
No bad spells, some great weather, my amazing family, kind friends.
I think this year was extra special to me-because this year has been extra difficult. For myself, but also for most members of my family. We had our traditional carols by candlelight and then the annual family testimony meeting. While listening to my siblings and parents share some of their experiences of this year, and the things they know about the gospel, and how they feel about our Savior- I think the concept that became the most interesting and meaningful to me was the timing in which we receive blessings.
The point (in my own head) driven home was that the Lord blesses us based on an eternal time line, not a temporary one. It doesn't always make sense (and there are plenty of things in my life that STILL don't make any sense) but I know the reason why some things are and have happened in my life, and the reason why OTHER things HAVEN'T happened in my life yet.. is because of this eternal time line. I haven't always trusted this "bigger plan". It's scary to me, not being able to see a couple steps into the future all the time. I'm not a fan of feeling {lost}. And when I feel like I'm ready or NOT ready for something, but those things do or do not happen the frustration or sorrow, or loss of hope isn't an uplifting disposition.
At the beginning of this year I decided I was sick of being so easily influenced. Tired of feeling so unsteady and vulnerable, and committed to doing what I could to plant my own feet, and become closer to the woman that I personally want to become. This involved becoming a better example of the things that I want to stand for, having a better relationship with my Father in Heaven and Savior, and developing a testimony that could fare me through anything.
Those are not goals that you reach then... once you get there, you get there. They're continuous, you have to maintain them, you can't stop trying, it's a life long commitment and a very demanding set of aspirations. I'm not all the way there yet, and I'm sure I'll spend the rest of my life making small increments of progression and gaining, line upon line, new knowledge that will help through the many different stages of life I have yet to experience.
But this year has helped push me further than I ever have been.
It's been a challenge. Through many different times and experiences I've felt pushed to what I believed was my limit. Many moments filled with fear of... losing hope, or experiencing more failure, or apprehension about the things I might miss out on. Days of paralysis, not wanting to move because.. anywhere I could move would be a difficult change which could cause more problems.
Stressful.
But I've changed so much.
My relationship with my Savior has grown greatly.
I've received more knowledge.
Grown closer to my family.
Made new friends.
And come to understand just how personal the Atonement is to me specifically.
It's special to me, to know that when the rest of the world really CANNOT understand, no matter how much they may say they do, or how similar the experiences they've had are to mine.. that HE actually DOES know. Exactly.
None of those things could have happened, without having THIS specific year.
Lords time line. I know I won't always be comfortable with it. But knowing that He knows best makes that discomfort bearable.
Thank you 2010.
And Merry Christmas!
tumblr.
It's really been a feeling that I haven't wrapped my vocabulary around yet.
It's just been.... relieving the last couple of days.
No bad spells, some great weather, my amazing family, kind friends.
I think this year was extra special to me-because this year has been extra difficult. For myself, but also for most members of my family. We had our traditional carols by candlelight and then the annual family testimony meeting. While listening to my siblings and parents share some of their experiences of this year, and the things they know about the gospel, and how they feel about our Savior- I think the concept that became the most interesting and meaningful to me was the timing in which we receive blessings.
The point (in my own head) driven home was that the Lord blesses us based on an eternal time line, not a temporary one. It doesn't always make sense (and there are plenty of things in my life that STILL don't make any sense) but I know the reason why some things are and have happened in my life, and the reason why OTHER things HAVEN'T happened in my life yet.. is because of this eternal time line. I haven't always trusted this "bigger plan". It's scary to me, not being able to see a couple steps into the future all the time. I'm not a fan of feeling {lost}. And when I feel like I'm ready or NOT ready for something, but those things do or do not happen the frustration or sorrow, or loss of hope isn't an uplifting disposition.
At the beginning of this year I decided I was sick of being so easily influenced. Tired of feeling so unsteady and vulnerable, and committed to doing what I could to plant my own feet, and become closer to the woman that I personally want to become. This involved becoming a better example of the things that I want to stand for, having a better relationship with my Father in Heaven and Savior, and developing a testimony that could fare me through anything.
Those are not goals that you reach then... once you get there, you get there. They're continuous, you have to maintain them, you can't stop trying, it's a life long commitment and a very demanding set of aspirations. I'm not all the way there yet, and I'm sure I'll spend the rest of my life making small increments of progression and gaining, line upon line, new knowledge that will help through the many different stages of life I have yet to experience.
But this year has helped push me further than I ever have been.
It's been a challenge. Through many different times and experiences I've felt pushed to what I believed was my limit. Many moments filled with fear of... losing hope, or experiencing more failure, or apprehension about the things I might miss out on. Days of paralysis, not wanting to move because.. anywhere I could move would be a difficult change which could cause more problems.
Stressful.
But I've changed so much.
My relationship with my Savior has grown greatly.
I've received more knowledge.
Grown closer to my family.
Made new friends.
And come to understand just how personal the Atonement is to me specifically.
It's special to me, to know that when the rest of the world really CANNOT understand, no matter how much they may say they do, or how similar the experiences they've had are to mine.. that HE actually DOES know. Exactly.
None of those things could have happened, without having THIS specific year.
Lords time line. I know I won't always be comfortable with it. But knowing that He knows best makes that discomfort bearable.
Thank you 2010.
And Merry Christmas!
tumblr.
440
Pretty sure we'll be eating pizza till' sometime in February.
I love that family tradition.
{Christmas post coming soon}
I love that family tradition.
{Christmas post coming soon}
Friday, December 24, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
437
{3 hours of sleep in 2 1/2 days.}
Dark circles forming under my eyes.
Lay in bed all afternoon trying to get some shut eye.
To no avail.
It's not a big deal, most of the time-mostly just annoying. But a little stressful sometimes because you're mind just goes and goes and goes.
It's been a roller coaster the last couple of days-weeks?
Good. Then bad.
Happy. Then back to upset.
Control. No control.
Up and down.
Just an intense mental battle all around.
I feel badly that at the times when I'm not handling this trial well, I'm not handling it well. If that makes sense. I KNOW how much I'm blessed and I know how good a life I have. And in those moments where I know I'm giving up, or I feel so angry that I can't think straight I forget about all the blessings I have in my life. I forget about all the tender mercies that the Lord gives me every single day. I forget that He loves me. I left a little early from church today. Partly because I finally felt exhausted enough to sleep (was way excited) and partly because I could feel a bad spell coming on.
Before I arrived home, the spell was in full throttle. I crawled up to my room to wait it out. In those couple of minutes I received several texts from friends. Nothing big or important but to know that they were thinking about me was comforting. To know that I'm still here is comforting.
Thank God (literally) for my mother.
Heather is back.
I didn't get to talk to her as much as I wanted at church, but she'll be at ward prayer tonight and I can't wait to just..be around her! So uplifting and positive and beautiful and fun! She's my sun!
NEED sunshine right now.
I can't handle much lately- so I'm working on short term goals until things calm down.
So for this week:
Buy 1 new pair of jeans (for work)
Visiting teaching Mon. & Tues.
FHE Tues.
Body Transformations Tues. & Thurs.
Mom's Christmas present.
Sighs.
Good moment.
Dark circles forming under my eyes.
Lay in bed all afternoon trying to get some shut eye.
To no avail.
It's not a big deal, most of the time-mostly just annoying. But a little stressful sometimes because you're mind just goes and goes and goes.
It's been a roller coaster the last couple of days-weeks?
Good. Then bad.
Happy. Then back to upset.
Control. No control.
Up and down.
Just an intense mental battle all around.
I feel badly that at the times when I'm not handling this trial well, I'm not handling it well. If that makes sense. I KNOW how much I'm blessed and I know how good a life I have. And in those moments where I know I'm giving up, or I feel so angry that I can't think straight I forget about all the blessings I have in my life. I forget about all the tender mercies that the Lord gives me every single day. I forget that He loves me. I left a little early from church today. Partly because I finally felt exhausted enough to sleep (was way excited) and partly because I could feel a bad spell coming on.
Before I arrived home, the spell was in full throttle. I crawled up to my room to wait it out. In those couple of minutes I received several texts from friends. Nothing big or important but to know that they were thinking about me was comforting. To know that I'm still here is comforting.
A few minutes after that I received a text about finding some scriptures to use for a visiting teaching lesson. That got me into the scriptures and reading and remembering things about the Christmas and the Atonement. I felt more like myself. Then mum came in and shared some things that she'd learned in her Sacrament meeting at Daddy's ward about the Atonement also. What she shared was so directly related to me and the things that I'm working through right now, that I honestly couldn't breathe until she left the room and I could think about it.
Exactly what I needed to hear.
I wish I would have understood the concept she shared with me before I did what I've done the last couple of weeks. But I can start over-from here- and I'll work it out.
Exactly what I needed to hear.
I wish I would have understood the concept she shared with me before I did what I've done the last couple of weeks. But I can start over-from here- and I'll work it out.
Thank God (literally) for my mother.
Heather is back.
I didn't get to talk to her as much as I wanted at church, but she'll be at ward prayer tonight and I can't wait to just..be around her! So uplifting and positive and beautiful and fun! She's my sun!
NEED sunshine right now.
I can't handle much lately- so I'm working on short term goals until things calm down.
So for this week:
Buy 1 new pair of jeans (for work)
Visiting teaching Mon. & Tues.
FHE Tues.
Body Transformations Tues. & Thurs.
Mom's Christmas present.
Sighs.
Good moment.
Friday, December 17, 2010
436
FHE reunion activity tonight.
"Skit in a bag"
Our family won the competition.
BAM. That's right.
My kids did me proud.
"Skit in a bag"
Our family won the competition.
BAM. That's right.
My kids did me proud.
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