He seriously started a fire, in the middle of the snowy trail, so I could warm up my freezing wet toes. He used his "CCK" (cheap chinese knife) to cut some dry twigs, make some shavings, then he used his empty gum packet for kindling. The snow shoes helped, but it had rained earlier so puddles and slushy snow dominated the trail. We were soaked.
The goal was to conquer my weird qualm with the dark (and it was SUPER dark). Just for the night. It worked. I can't remember a single moment where I felt afraid. Course it helped being with a real-deal-red-neck-to-the-core-survivor-man who said that I would be fine because I was with him. True too. I was totally fine.
Never made it to the 2nd gate. We both were freezing and had no idea how much further we had to go. It didn't make much sense. I wanted to get up there in a timely manner so I led and seriously pushed the pace. He didn't tell me till after he'd shed all his layers that he hadn't eaten all day, and had a sore back from babysitting. Whoops. We got far along the trail, but never made it up there. Kept trying to figure out where we were but everything looked so different in the dark. On the way down he said we should try and go Saturday afternoon. Make it up there, bring some food, have a little lunch, maybe get a fire going and bring some marshmallows. LOVE that idea.
So maybe Saturday afternoon will work out.
Finished my paper on time for ENGL.
But forgot to take my online quiz for POLS.
Vegas next week.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
512
You're not just going to get my two cents.
I'm going to whip a roll of quarters at your head.
A back booth.
Sweet tunes.
Veggie basket,
And a chilled glass of draft rootbeer.
When in need of comfort, choose an appetizer and tunes.
Let life roll on without you for a moment, and when you're ready, pay your bill and zip up your coat.
Looking up.
I'm going to whip a roll of quarters at your head.
A back booth.
Sweet tunes.
Veggie basket,
And a chilled glass of draft rootbeer.
When in need of comfort, choose an appetizer and tunes.
Let life roll on without you for a moment, and when you're ready, pay your bill and zip up your coat.
Looking up.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
510
So as I understand it:
A stupor of thought.
Not getting an answer.
And not knowing the right thing to ask.
3 separate things.
A stupor of thought.
Not getting an answer.
And not knowing the right thing to ask.
3 separate things.
509
I talked out loud.
Said everything that I've been thinking, and everything that I've been thinking about thinking.
I explained the whole situation to myself and back again.
I tried to figure out the difference between my brain, heart and stomach- but nothing really came together.
No one reads this anymore so I think it's okay to write the more uncomfortable things down.
Everyone has their thing ya know? Their vice, struggle, problem, whatever.
Mine is finding happiness.
It's always been a struggle. I fight on a daily basis to see all the good things in my life. I wake up on empty. I have to force myself to find happiness in simply having the privilege of waking up, of having slept in a warm, big, comfortable bed, that I'm alive and can get OUT of bed. Through out the day I have to keep focused. "What's good about my life right this second?" That I have the opportunity to be up on campus learning, that I have a car that can get me to and from places. That I can run, that I have the family that I do. That there's sunshine. That I'm here.
Every day I try, but not every day do I succeed.
Lately I've been on the failing side of things.
I burst into tears on a regular basis because all I want is for having happiness to be something that comes as natural as breathing or blinking. But it isn't for me. It isn't natural. This is my struggle. This is my weakness. I get tired pretty easily. Sometimes to a point where I sleep for days on end. Sometimes I can't force myself to get out of bed. Sometimes I just can't fake it. Sometimes I don't find happiness. And sometimes it lasts for long amounts of time.
There are side effects of those long bouts of time.
I can't be as good a friend to people as I want to be.
I can't take care of myself and often time can't find it in me to respect myself.
I start to slack on callings, homework, and other productive things.
Things start to creep in.
All the things in my life that I've tried to banish from my thought process.
All the disregard.
All the inconsideration.
All the insecurities.
All the times, that for some reason, I haven't been valued enough as a person for basic respect.
Then I start to believe that I'm not deserving of it.
And then I start to just expect that.
I've been pulling myself out of that cycle for a couple months now.
Things were on the up and up but it always comes to a stand still.
I'm standing still. And it's not because I want to. I keep trying to move. But I can't.
When is my life going to start?
Am I ever going to get there?
I feel afraid all that time.
Please, some security.
Said everything that I've been thinking, and everything that I've been thinking about thinking.
I explained the whole situation to myself and back again.
I tried to figure out the difference between my brain, heart and stomach- but nothing really came together.
No one reads this anymore so I think it's okay to write the more uncomfortable things down.
Everyone has their thing ya know? Their vice, struggle, problem, whatever.
Mine is finding happiness.
It's always been a struggle. I fight on a daily basis to see all the good things in my life. I wake up on empty. I have to force myself to find happiness in simply having the privilege of waking up, of having slept in a warm, big, comfortable bed, that I'm alive and can get OUT of bed. Through out the day I have to keep focused. "What's good about my life right this second?" That I have the opportunity to be up on campus learning, that I have a car that can get me to and from places. That I can run, that I have the family that I do. That there's sunshine. That I'm here.
Every day I try, but not every day do I succeed.
Lately I've been on the failing side of things.
I burst into tears on a regular basis because all I want is for having happiness to be something that comes as natural as breathing or blinking. But it isn't for me. It isn't natural. This is my struggle. This is my weakness. I get tired pretty easily. Sometimes to a point where I sleep for days on end. Sometimes I can't force myself to get out of bed. Sometimes I just can't fake it. Sometimes I don't find happiness. And sometimes it lasts for long amounts of time.
There are side effects of those long bouts of time.
I can't be as good a friend to people as I want to be.
I can't take care of myself and often time can't find it in me to respect myself.
I start to slack on callings, homework, and other productive things.
Things start to creep in.
All the things in my life that I've tried to banish from my thought process.
All the disregard.
All the inconsideration.
All the insecurities.
All the times, that for some reason, I haven't been valued enough as a person for basic respect.
Then I start to believe that I'm not deserving of it.
And then I start to just expect that.
I've been pulling myself out of that cycle for a couple months now.
Things were on the up and up but it always comes to a stand still.
I'm standing still. And it's not because I want to. I keep trying to move. But I can't.
When is my life going to start?
Am I ever going to get there?
I feel afraid all that time.
Please, some security.
Friday, March 25, 2011
508
Too legit to quit.
It's like that ya'll.
Pretty sure I blew that test out of the water.
Ace for Chelsea.
Ran into Eric, nice chat, potential lunch date in the future.
As I drove home I went back and forth about heading to the gym. Wanted to come home, sit and think for awhile but once you get into a routine it's really hard to get out of it. It's a good thing, because I DID end up going to gym because yes, I'm addicted to the runners high. I also hoped it would clear my head a little bit.
Didn't stay long. Just long enough.
Home.
I need answers.
I need guidance.
I need help.
Sat and thought. FINALLY. That's all I wanted.
Cannonaded into tears.
The same thing almost happened last night.
I was talking briefly about high school-because of a situation that brought up highschool.
There was a moment where I paused because a surge of emotion sent my eyes watering and I almost choked.
But that's a different story.
Lay on my bed and let myself cry those weird tears.
WEIRD tears.
I can't even explain what was wrong.
All I felt was that I had to be stronger, but I didn't want to be stronger on my own. That I had to make some more rules, but that I didn't want to feel like a little girl/ idiot/prude. That I had to be careful, but that being careful hasn't ever gotten me anywhere that makes me feel secure. That I need more faith and trust, but that I'm afraid of being hopeful. That I had to change, but that there would be costs that might/could alienate me. That I could trust myself, but that everything objectively sabotages or discounts that trust. That it was going to take some more time for me to get a clear answer, but that I'm impulsive, impatient, and when it builds up-entirely reckless.
There are things I've been promised if I remain valiant.
I need to allow myself to believe those promises and act accordingly.
I just want someone to help me.
It's like that ya'll.
Pretty sure I blew that test out of the water.
Ace for Chelsea.
Ran into Eric, nice chat, potential lunch date in the future.
As I drove home I went back and forth about heading to the gym. Wanted to come home, sit and think for awhile but once you get into a routine it's really hard to get out of it. It's a good thing, because I DID end up going to gym because yes, I'm addicted to the runners high. I also hoped it would clear my head a little bit.
Didn't stay long. Just long enough.
Home.
I need answers.
I need guidance.
I need help.
Sat and thought. FINALLY. That's all I wanted.
Cannonaded into tears.
The same thing almost happened last night.
I was talking briefly about high school-because of a situation that brought up highschool.
There was a moment where I paused because a surge of emotion sent my eyes watering and I almost choked.
But that's a different story.
Lay on my bed and let myself cry those weird tears.
WEIRD tears.
I can't even explain what was wrong.
All I felt was that I had to be stronger, but I didn't want to be stronger on my own. That I had to make some more rules, but that I didn't want to feel like a little girl/ idiot/prude. That I had to be careful, but that being careful hasn't ever gotten me anywhere that makes me feel secure. That I need more faith and trust, but that I'm afraid of being hopeful. That I had to change, but that there would be costs that might/could alienate me. That I could trust myself, but that everything objectively sabotages or discounts that trust. That it was going to take some more time for me to get a clear answer, but that I'm impulsive, impatient, and when it builds up-entirely reckless.
There are things I've been promised if I remain valiant.
I need to allow myself to believe those promises and act accordingly.
I just want someone to help me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
507
We were talking about Twilight just inside the doors of the TSC. He told me that if he had to choose between Edward or Jacob, he'd choose Jacob's dad because he actually has something going for him. We found out that this particular area of the building is perfect for echoes because our laughter literally ricocheted around off those walls for seconds after we actually controlled ourselves.
It was "See Everyone You Knew In Highschool" day. I must have missed the memo cause you can bet your bottom dollar I would have stayed home in bed had I known. It was okay though, none of them stayed long and we looked at each other and laughed every time one of them departed. Ironically, I also knew HIM in highschool- but it's different. I don't expect anyone to understand.
He'd kept count of everyone that walked by with headphones. I had no idea. 51. That was the count by the time we both headed our different ways. He guessed that was probably out of 240 people that had actually walked by. We also tried to figure out why there were a bunch of people ( guys and girls) with 3 stripes shaved into the side of their head. We figured it was probably for the Japan fundraiser- or a gang. My suggestion that he have that done, and then tell me how it worked out for him made him laugh pretty hard. I'll admit it, I totally wanted him to get beat up so we could joke about how funny it was later.
Some Security guy came to open up the ATM and take out the money. We figured out a way to taser the guy, lure his compadre' out of the van and then steal the van. Landon, who'd stop to chat with us at this point in the conversation asked us "What about the money?" We both said "Screw the money! We'd have the VAN!" at the same time, and all our laughter danced together in that funny little area. Lots of looks, that personally just made me laugh even harder.
I miss the old times. The times when we were both innocent. Making fun of each other, wrestling and playing around, just hanging out and talking about Harry Potter or MSG like it's normal.
We talked about the time that we stuffed him in the cage, designed for kick-boards with a sign that said "Don't Feed The Animals" on it. How he used to really piss me off during the unfortunate time when I had a crush on Bradey. Oh the days. Thank goodness they're over.
Church. We talked about church. He said that any time someone got up to give a talk and started it with the story about how they were called to speak, or a Noah and the Ark joke- it was over. More laughter.
When we went out different ways he pulled me into an embrace and said "I love you"
I didn't say it back.
But I do.
I love you too.
It was "See Everyone You Knew In Highschool" day. I must have missed the memo cause you can bet your bottom dollar I would have stayed home in bed had I known. It was okay though, none of them stayed long and we looked at each other and laughed every time one of them departed. Ironically, I also knew HIM in highschool- but it's different. I don't expect anyone to understand.
He'd kept count of everyone that walked by with headphones. I had no idea. 51. That was the count by the time we both headed our different ways. He guessed that was probably out of 240 people that had actually walked by. We also tried to figure out why there were a bunch of people ( guys and girls) with 3 stripes shaved into the side of their head. We figured it was probably for the Japan fundraiser- or a gang. My suggestion that he have that done, and then tell me how it worked out for him made him laugh pretty hard. I'll admit it, I totally wanted him to get beat up so we could joke about how funny it was later.
Some Security guy came to open up the ATM and take out the money. We figured out a way to taser the guy, lure his compadre' out of the van and then steal the van. Landon, who'd stop to chat with us at this point in the conversation asked us "What about the money?" We both said "Screw the money! We'd have the VAN!" at the same time, and all our laughter danced together in that funny little area. Lots of looks, that personally just made me laugh even harder.
I miss the old times. The times when we were both innocent. Making fun of each other, wrestling and playing around, just hanging out and talking about Harry Potter or MSG like it's normal.
We talked about the time that we stuffed him in the cage, designed for kick-boards with a sign that said "Don't Feed The Animals" on it. How he used to really piss me off during the unfortunate time when I had a crush on Bradey. Oh the days. Thank goodness they're over.
Church. We talked about church. He said that any time someone got up to give a talk and started it with the story about how they were called to speak, or a Noah and the Ark joke- it was over. More laughter.
When we went out different ways he pulled me into an embrace and said "I love you"
I didn't say it back.
But I do.
I love you too.
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