Yep. Can't come home without someone bothering me about something or other. It's just reaffirming that I can't move home. Might move in with Cristian if we can't find a place we can pay for in the next couple of weeks, but truth is I don't really want to live with his family either. And he doesn't either. He said he'd pick up another job here if that's what I want and he'll be the supporter for awhile. I do eventually want to get a job so I can help us out but I think I'm down and out for about the next year. That seems like a really long time. We'll make it.
Heading down to O'ville to purchase new red boots! And some other unmentionables. It's going to be a good Hallow's Eve. Mum made chocolate covered pretzels. Sighs.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
587
Going through a rough patch. With myself.
Just still trying to figure things out. The cold dark weather is coming on, so I know less than happy feelings about everything are partly because of that. Being really hard on myself. Not taking the best care of myself-as far as self love and respect go. All I wanna do is talk about it, but there's no one I can think of that could really understand or care about what I'd have to say. I talk to God a lot. But he's not sitting with me in my room talking to me face to face. Sure we can talk spirit to spirit but I just want something I can touch. Something. Someone.
I was told writing would help me.
And it has, if helping means every time I sit down to let out some thoughts and feelings my keyboard is drowned with tears. I'm not meaning to repress everything. I've always been really honest and open about how I feel about different things. With this though, for whatever reason I feel as though I have to do it alone. And it's driving me crazy. And I've started treating the people I care most about, badly. I wrote Cristian a letter the other day and left it on his gaming chair. He read it but didn't understand why I was apologizing for my behavior, which just made me burst into more tears.
He's the best.
The absolute best.
I deserve less.
Whenever there's a problem I just want to run to him, but I don't want him to see me like this. He's so strong and positive and always has a bright side. He's happy and enthusiastic about this. He believes it's a blessing. And I feel as though I'm just the opposite. I feel weak and negative. It's hard to find even a small bit of happiness in a day lately. I'm upset and worried about the situation. I see it as a mistake (not my baby, the timing in which it happened). I see it as a trial. I wrote in a different journal closer to the beginning of all this that I just wanted to endure it well.
I'm not enduring this well this week. There are small, fleeting happy moments where I really laugh, or really smile, or really feel good.. but they haven't lasted long this week. I'm ready for this week to be over.
I can't seem to get away from anything. It makes sense, and I shouldn't be trying to run from everything but can't I come home without you, mum, hounding me about something to do with my situation? Can't me and the people I keep in contact with talk about something other than me? Can't me and Cristian have a fun, light, conversation instead of me turning it into something serious where we just end up fighting?
I'm trying to figure everything ok?
There's a lot.
It's not going to happen over night.
I don't know why she thinks it's going to.
Why I think it's going to.
He wants to move back to Cali.
I want to move anywhere but somewhere close to here.
So we're looking at jobs out there.
Please God, let us find something.
Tonight is a Halloween party. I was supposed to help plan it, but mostly what I've done this week is beat all the feeling out of myself. And the few remaining feeling I have, the ones that somehow managed to sustain my abuse are wandering around like wounded baby animals just waiting to die. I want tonight to be fun, to go be with everyone, get dressed up-do something crazy like.. carve a pumpkin and forget about who I am and what's going on in my life. But I don't know if I can go. Some of these people are... not exactly what I thought. And if people feel as though they have to be "cautious" around me- then how about I save everyone some stress and not come. I wouldn't have been offended if you simply hadn't invited me.
It just makes a lot more sense to me.
There's another party tomorrow night that Cristian and I are invited to. It'll be rowdy, but I want to go because he does. I don't have a costume. He's going to be a robber. I was thinking Where's Waldo but I don't know if I'll get anything together. Everything feels like such a chore. I'm realizing that this is a pretty whiny post-but you can navigate to different screen whenever you want. This is my space. Suck it.
So I'm not sure what I'm gonna do today. Nap is definitely on the list. Crying can already be checked off. I wanna go be with Cristian.
Later.
Just still trying to figure things out. The cold dark weather is coming on, so I know less than happy feelings about everything are partly because of that. Being really hard on myself. Not taking the best care of myself-as far as self love and respect go. All I wanna do is talk about it, but there's no one I can think of that could really understand or care about what I'd have to say. I talk to God a lot. But he's not sitting with me in my room talking to me face to face. Sure we can talk spirit to spirit but I just want something I can touch. Something. Someone.
I was told writing would help me.
And it has, if helping means every time I sit down to let out some thoughts and feelings my keyboard is drowned with tears. I'm not meaning to repress everything. I've always been really honest and open about how I feel about different things. With this though, for whatever reason I feel as though I have to do it alone. And it's driving me crazy. And I've started treating the people I care most about, badly. I wrote Cristian a letter the other day and left it on his gaming chair. He read it but didn't understand why I was apologizing for my behavior, which just made me burst into more tears.
He's the best.
The absolute best.
I deserve less.
Whenever there's a problem I just want to run to him, but I don't want him to see me like this. He's so strong and positive and always has a bright side. He's happy and enthusiastic about this. He believes it's a blessing. And I feel as though I'm just the opposite. I feel weak and negative. It's hard to find even a small bit of happiness in a day lately. I'm upset and worried about the situation. I see it as a mistake (not my baby, the timing in which it happened). I see it as a trial. I wrote in a different journal closer to the beginning of all this that I just wanted to endure it well.
I'm not enduring this well this week. There are small, fleeting happy moments where I really laugh, or really smile, or really feel good.. but they haven't lasted long this week. I'm ready for this week to be over.
I can't seem to get away from anything. It makes sense, and I shouldn't be trying to run from everything but can't I come home without you, mum, hounding me about something to do with my situation? Can't me and the people I keep in contact with talk about something other than me? Can't me and Cristian have a fun, light, conversation instead of me turning it into something serious where we just end up fighting?
I'm trying to figure everything ok?
There's a lot.
It's not going to happen over night.
I don't know why she thinks it's going to.
Why I think it's going to.
He wants to move back to Cali.
I want to move anywhere but somewhere close to here.
So we're looking at jobs out there.
Please God, let us find something.
Tonight is a Halloween party. I was supposed to help plan it, but mostly what I've done this week is beat all the feeling out of myself. And the few remaining feeling I have, the ones that somehow managed to sustain my abuse are wandering around like wounded baby animals just waiting to die. I want tonight to be fun, to go be with everyone, get dressed up-do something crazy like.. carve a pumpkin and forget about who I am and what's going on in my life. But I don't know if I can go. Some of these people are... not exactly what I thought. And if people feel as though they have to be "cautious" around me- then how about I save everyone some stress and not come. I wouldn't have been offended if you simply hadn't invited me.
It just makes a lot more sense to me.
There's another party tomorrow night that Cristian and I are invited to. It'll be rowdy, but I want to go because he does. I don't have a costume. He's going to be a robber. I was thinking Where's Waldo but I don't know if I'll get anything together. Everything feels like such a chore. I'm realizing that this is a pretty whiny post-but you can navigate to different screen whenever you want. This is my space. Suck it.
So I'm not sure what I'm gonna do today. Nap is definitely on the list. Crying can already be checked off. I wanna go be with Cristian.
Later.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
586
Writing and producing a podcast for NPR and UPR.
That'll look nice on a resume' right?
:D
I've started doing yoga again, my body feels so much better with all the stretching.
I'm kicking Connor's trash at Words With Friends.
And I had an awesome afternoon up the canyon in the fresh October air.
Thank you God for my life.
That'll look nice on a resume' right?
:D
I've started doing yoga again, my body feels so much better with all the stretching.
I'm kicking Connor's trash at Words With Friends.
And I had an awesome afternoon up the canyon in the fresh October air.
Thank you God for my life.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
585
Broken clouds give rain.
Broken soil grows grain.
Broken bread feeds man for one more day.
Broken storms yield light.
Break of day heals night.
Broken pride turns blindness into sight.
Broken souls that need His mending.
Broken hearts for offering.
Could it be that God loves broken things?
-Kenneth Cope
Today's been a bad day. I wanted to spend some time with him but when I went over he was getting up late and seemed to have a million things to do. So I went home feeling a little defeated and sad. Tried to take a nap but couldn't. Tried to eat something but couldn't keep anything down. Everything's changing-that doesn't mean it's never been like this before but sometimes the hard truth hits me and I feel like I'm drowning.
Today I'm drowning.
I started to freak out.
Can I give this child the life it deserves? And if I honestly can't say with 100% surety I can, what right do I have to keep it. And then my heart broke and all my fears came splurging to the top. What if I just.. can't do this. What if I just can't find happiness at the end of this for me, for it, for Cristian? What about all the money we need but we don't have? What about all the trust issues I have? What about all the good things and dreams and goals and plans I have? Am I going to be able to achieve success?
Am I going to have happiness?
Am I going to have to settle?
And if I have to give that up, CAN I?
How can I do all of this?
It's a bad day.
Would like to run away today.
Somewhere. Anywhere.
Broken soil grows grain.
Broken bread feeds man for one more day.
Broken storms yield light.
Break of day heals night.
Broken pride turns blindness into sight.
Broken souls that need His mending.
Broken hearts for offering.
Could it be that God loves broken things?
-Kenneth Cope
Today's been a bad day. I wanted to spend some time with him but when I went over he was getting up late and seemed to have a million things to do. So I went home feeling a little defeated and sad. Tried to take a nap but couldn't. Tried to eat something but couldn't keep anything down. Everything's changing-that doesn't mean it's never been like this before but sometimes the hard truth hits me and I feel like I'm drowning.
Today I'm drowning.
I started to freak out.
Can I give this child the life it deserves? And if I honestly can't say with 100% surety I can, what right do I have to keep it. And then my heart broke and all my fears came splurging to the top. What if I just.. can't do this. What if I just can't find happiness at the end of this for me, for it, for Cristian? What about all the money we need but we don't have? What about all the trust issues I have? What about all the good things and dreams and goals and plans I have? Am I going to be able to achieve success?
Am I going to have happiness?
Am I going to have to settle?
And if I have to give that up, CAN I?
How can I do all of this?
It's a bad day.
Would like to run away today.
Somewhere. Anywhere.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
584
Wow, I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.
Didn't get a nap in before going to the corn maze with Cristian and Connor. It was pretty funny, he was so scared. I jumped a few times but after the shrieking girl decided to get right in my ear and yell bloody freaking murder (yes, it's still ringing) I just got irritated. Take a few steps back lady, seriously.
Afterwards we went to PA3. It was awful as expected but I'm trying to go and do things with Cristian that I know he likes to do. Watching scary movies is one of those things. So I spent most of the movie white knuckled and gripping his hand, covering my eyes with my hoodie, and humming happy songs in my head. I tossed and turned all night, and then woke up to Cristian grinding his teeth. Pretty scary sound especially with the movie we'd just watched. Had to keep waking him up to get him to stop. Finally it started to get light outside the window and I settled down into a doze. Still wasn't great but it was something.
Made an awesome breakfast. And now I want to fall into a coma nap.
Going to make Halloween treats and hopefully have an awesome girls night tonight :D
Ah..
ZZZZzzzz
Didn't get a nap in before going to the corn maze with Cristian and Connor. It was pretty funny, he was so scared. I jumped a few times but after the shrieking girl decided to get right in my ear and yell bloody freaking murder (yes, it's still ringing) I just got irritated. Take a few steps back lady, seriously.
Afterwards we went to PA3. It was awful as expected but I'm trying to go and do things with Cristian that I know he likes to do. Watching scary movies is one of those things. So I spent most of the movie white knuckled and gripping his hand, covering my eyes with my hoodie, and humming happy songs in my head. I tossed and turned all night, and then woke up to Cristian grinding his teeth. Pretty scary sound especially with the movie we'd just watched. Had to keep waking him up to get him to stop. Finally it started to get light outside the window and I settled down into a doze. Still wasn't great but it was something.
Made an awesome breakfast. And now I want to fall into a coma nap.
Going to make Halloween treats and hopefully have an awesome girls night tonight :D
Ah..
ZZZZzzzz
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
583
It happened again today.
I was at the shop talking to Tom, the Iranian, while C worked on his car.
Some of his friends showed up.
And I just can't figure it out.
And more than that, I just don't want to.
I want C and I to pack away our lives here, and move somewhere else where we can just.. have OUR life. I feel bad but as I sat there today just watching them lope around acting all hard the only thing that came to my mind was "Where are these people going? Nowhere. What do these people have to show for their lives? A criminal record, less brain cells. What have they accomplished? Nothing". I don't want any part of it, and I feel like as long as we stay here he's always going to be KIND OF a part of it.
I want something else.
I want something better.
For me. And for him.
And I'm going to get it.
So tonight while he's out doing whatever it is he's doing, I'm gonna work on some writing, catch up on some school work, and make some money. Then later we're gonna have a chat.
Really want to go to the corn maze.
I was at the shop talking to Tom, the Iranian, while C worked on his car.
Some of his friends showed up.
And I just can't figure it out.
And more than that, I just don't want to.
I want C and I to pack away our lives here, and move somewhere else where we can just.. have OUR life. I feel bad but as I sat there today just watching them lope around acting all hard the only thing that came to my mind was "Where are these people going? Nowhere. What do these people have to show for their lives? A criminal record, less brain cells. What have they accomplished? Nothing". I don't want any part of it, and I feel like as long as we stay here he's always going to be KIND OF a part of it.
I want something else.
I want something better.
For me. And for him.
And I'm going to get it.
So tonight while he's out doing whatever it is he's doing, I'm gonna work on some writing, catch up on some school work, and make some money. Then later we're gonna have a chat.
Really want to go to the corn maze.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
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