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Another strange dream last night.

Mallory and I were spending time with my family. As the day began to fade it was time to take her home. To Kreber [ this place does not exist as far as I know]. I start driving, but I notice that my right eye was spazzing out. It's like there were refined pieces of sand scraping against my eye lids, blurry in some places and the stinging all encompassing. I kept trying to get rid of the irritation. I began massaging it which only made it worse- why did I think that in a dream it would be any different than in real life? The whole time the sun quickly dying and pretty soon my right eye goes blank.

I was blind.

Trundeling through the night with only one good eye. We acsended Green Canyon, to where Matt high centered his Jeep 2 summers ago. Rocky and pock marked I knew we were going to crash. But I didn't want Mallory to drive because for some reason I just had a lot of pride about it.
I was going to do it.
And I was going to do it with one eye.


Mallory was upset. Understandably. Eventually she forced me out of the drivers seat and shoved me back down as a passenger. Then she drove me home.

I didn't care about my ocular the whole time.
I just cared about my pride being hurt.
And I was angry when I had to become dependent on her.

I awoke.

Thinking that dreams could mean something is a weakness of mine. I like to think that everything that takes place in my life is there for some kind of reason. No matter how big or small. So what conclusions did I draw from this virtual bubble? Maybe that I am trying to hard to do things for myself, and that perhaps leaning on people is something I should allow myself to do this time. Little-to no progress has been made since I returned from "the land of smiles" a couple months ago. [ I miss Thailand. Everyday.]

Maybe my "right eye" has become blind and I've only been seeing things with the left.

Imbalanced.
Lopsided.

[I need time to think about this thoroughly]

I was mulling over friends last evening again. A topic that's been smazzing my marbles for some time. Growing up, there was 1 friend that was actually good for me. Incorrupt. The rest were manipulative and/or mean. I endeavored ceaslessly to puzzle piece in. To be whatever 'the people' wanted me to be. A cameleon. People-pleaser. Which I've never thought a grand thing. As I've grown up, I unconsciously pushed to be a lily white friend myself....I believe. An attentive listener, understanding, forgiving because no one had really been that way for me. My goal in life for a lo0nngg time has been to be a loyal, you-can-count-on-me- chum. To keep everyone's best interest in the forefront of my mind, to spread love and support where needed. To stand as an example. To fully uplift and give confidence. Accepting. Everything people tag on with being a bosom buddy..

I'm terror-stricken
Because I'm starting to think that maybe THAT'S not such a grand thing either.
The "p.m." was one of tears, and heartfelt pain.
I feel like such a failure lately.
Because I think it's finally dawning on me that there are people out there that I simply cannot help. I've haven't ever considered...that.
And worse still I'm beginning to realize [against my will] that there are still OTHER people that.. I cannot be friends with at all.

I don't know about anyone else. But this IS news to me.
I hate feeling so helpless and unsure.
Because it's not exactly MY decision. The moment they began to lead their various lives, the also chose to lose me. I wish it wasn't so.

Depressed.
More on this later.


'All fools day' passed without any pranks or stupid jokes- for which I was grateful. Jokes and pranks are only funny when they're spontaneous. I dislike April Fools. A lot. A holiday centered around deception, lies, etc. It's origins are a near mystery- which makes even more insignificant to me.
Whatevs.

Attended a lecture given by Frank Warren [author of Post Secret] last night. I have too much to say about it, and not enough time to go into detail. At the moment anyway.
No job at Planet Fitness. Time to hit the town again, check the classified ads, and go up to campus.

I'm sick of the static- someone change the channel.