Thursday, December 30, 2010


Pardon me while I take a well deserved "bow for the year 2010 ".


Seriously. The year has felt like nothing but one big 365 act play.
And the last two acts (days) have been brimming with some absolutely spectacular acting; deserving of some kind of {prize}, {ribbon}, or pat on the back at very least. I'll turn around so you can pat my back, then I'll be on my way down my red carpet.

Pat it. Pat it NOW.

The stories.
The moments.
It's a wonder I haven't "exited stage right", if ya know what I mean. But I just keep telling myself over and over....and over again that in a couple years I'll look back at these moments and laugh hysterically. Hopefully funny tears come a'rollin down my face from the giggles and my abs hurt for days because of all the chuckles. And if that doesn't happen I picture myself doing what I'm doing now-constantly thinking "this will eventually be a good memory to look back on".

I don't hate my life. Don't get me wrong.
But we all know the stories and moments I'm talking about. The ones we all enjoy from time to time.

There's one day left till the New Year.
Let's see what stupid things we can make happen before the start of another crazy play.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

441 {Christmas Post}

So I realized that....I don't have much to say about the holidays.
It's really been a feeling that I haven't wrapped my vocabulary around yet.
It's just been.... relieving the last couple of days.
No bad spells, some great weather, my amazing family, kind friends.

I think this year was extra special to me-because this year has been extra difficult. For myself, but also for most members of my family. We had our traditional carols by candlelight and then the annual family testimony meeting. While listening to my siblings and parents share some of their experiences of this year, and the things they know about the gospel, and how they feel about our Savior- I think the concept that became the most interesting and meaningful to me was the timing in which we receive blessings.

The point (in my own head) driven home was that the Lord blesses us based on an eternal time line, not a temporary one. It doesn't always make sense (and there are plenty of things in my life that STILL don't make any sense) but I know the reason why some things are and have happened in my life, and the reason why OTHER things HAVEN'T happened in my life yet.. is because of this eternal time line. I haven't always trusted this "bigger plan". It's scary to me, not being able to see a couple steps into the future all the time. I'm not a fan of feeling {lost}. And when I feel like I'm ready or NOT ready for something, but those things do or do not happen the frustration or sorrow, or loss of hope isn't an uplifting disposition.

At the beginning of this year I decided I was sick of being so easily influenced. Tired of feeling so unsteady and vulnerable, and committed to doing what I could to plant my own feet, and become closer to the woman that I personally want to become. This involved becoming a better example of the things that I want to stand for, having a better relationship with my Father in Heaven and Savior, and developing a testimony that could fare me through anything.

Those are not goals that you reach then... once you get there, you get there. They're continuous, you have to maintain them, you can't stop trying, it's a life long commitment and a very demanding set of aspirations. I'm not all the way there yet, and I'm sure I'll spend the rest of my life making small increments of progression and gaining, line upon line, new knowledge that will help through the many different stages of life I have yet to experience.

But this year has helped push me further than I ever have been.
It's been a challenge. Through many different times and experiences I've felt pushed to what I believed was my limit. Many moments filled with fear of... losing hope, or experiencing more failure, or apprehension about the things I might miss out on. Days of paralysis, not wanting to move because.. anywhere I could move would be a difficult change which could cause more problems.

But I've changed so much.
My relationship with my Savior has grown greatly.
I've received more knowledge.
Grown closer to my family.
Made new friends.

And come to understand just how personal the Atonement is to me specifically.
It's special to me, to know that when the rest of the world really CANNOT understand, no matter how much they may say they do, or how similar the experiences they've had are to mine.. that HE actually DOES know. Exactly.

None of those things could have happened, without having THIS specific year.
Lords time line. I know I won't always be comfortable with it. But knowing that He knows best makes that discomfort bearable.

Thank you 2010.
And Merry Christmas!


Pretty sure we'll be eating pizza till' sometime in February.
I love that family tradition.

{Christmas post coming soon}

Friday, December 24, 2010


New Favorite Movie:


Monday, December 20, 2010


Nice chat with Wisteria.
Massage from Victoria.
Little bit of NyQuil.


Sunday, December 19, 2010


{3 hours of sleep in 2 1/2 days.}

Dark circles forming under my eyes.
Lay in bed all afternoon trying to get some shut eye.
To no avail.
It's not a big deal, most of the time-mostly just annoying. But a little stressful sometimes because you're mind just goes and goes and goes.

It's been a roller coaster the last couple of days-weeks?
Good. Then bad.
Happy. Then back to upset.
Control. No control.

Up and down.
Just an intense mental battle all around.

I feel badly that at the times when I'm not handling this trial well, I'm not handling it well. If that makes sense. I KNOW how much I'm blessed and I know how good a life I have. And in those moments where I know I'm giving up, or I feel so angry that I can't think straight I forget about all the blessings I have in my life. I forget about all the tender mercies that the Lord gives me every single day. I forget that He loves me. I left a little early from church today. Partly because I finally felt exhausted enough to sleep (was way excited) and partly because I could feel a bad spell coming on.

Before I arrived home, the spell was in full throttle. I crawled up to my room to wait it out. In those couple of minutes I received several texts from friends. Nothing big or important but to know that they were thinking about me was comforting. To know that I'm still here is comforting.

A few minutes after that I received a text about finding some scriptures to use for a visiting teaching lesson. That got me into the scriptures and reading and remembering things about the Christmas and the Atonement. I felt more like myself. Then mum came in and shared some things that she'd learned in her Sacrament meeting at Daddy's ward about the Atonement also. What she shared was so directly related to me and the things that I'm working through right now, that I honestly couldn't breathe until she left the room and I could think about it.

Exactly what I needed to hear.
I wish I would have understood the concept she shared with me before I did what I've done the last couple of weeks. But I can start over-from here- and I'll work it out.

Thank God (literally) for my mother.

Heather is back.
I didn't get to talk to her as much as I wanted at church, but she'll be at ward prayer tonight and I can't wait to around her! So uplifting and positive and beautiful and fun! She's my sun!

NEED sunshine right now.

I can't handle much lately- so I'm working on short term goals until things calm down.
So for this week:

Buy 1 new pair of jeans (for work)
Visiting teaching Mon. & Tues.
FHE Tues.
Body Transformations Tues. & Thurs.
Mom's Christmas present.

Good moment.

Friday, December 17, 2010


FHE reunion activity tonight.
"Skit in a bag"

Our family won the competition.
BAM. That's right.
My kids did me proud.


{A tribute to 3}

Jeff, Melissa, Jacob.

They really pulled me through.
Thank you Jeff for coming up with it.

And for getting me to laugh and be silly.
Love you all-

Thursday, December 16, 2010


Saw Narnia.
Loved Narnia.
Dreamed about Narnia
Want to live in Narnia.
Narnia. Is. Life.

Perfect situation for me.
Needed to be alone in a dark place.
5 people in the theater-acquired the best seat in the house.

I've had a couple people ask me why I love it so much.
More than Harry Potter ( which is saying something)
More than Lord of the Rings ( which is also saying something)
More than Twilight
More than Salt
More than Wallstreet: Money Never Sleeps
More than Pride and Prejudice
More than Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (which I watch OVER&OVER&OVER again)
More than the Iron Mans
-Keep in mind that I LOVE all those movies so much-

I've never read the books.
Couldn't do it.
Just like Lord of the Rings.
The first book is all back history.
Nothing that you can understand until you've read everything BUT that.
Or if you're like me- you never read the books- just watched the movies.

I don't know how to explain why I just... APPRECIATE it so much.

I love the idea of a closet leading to another dimension.
I love my OWN closet.
I love youthful courage and spirit.
I love that the animals talk.
I love that it's a family.
I love the time era for which it was written.
I love that it's C.S. Lewis.
I love the music.
I love the symbolism.
I love the ways I relate to it.

So last night was great.
Phased everything else out.
And soaked it up.
It kept me thinking the whole time.
I didn't want it to stop.

Once it ended I headed home.
Sat in my room.
Needed it.
Still need it.

Purchasing daddy's Christmas present tomorrow.
Training tonight kicked my trash.
But I worked harder than I have in a long time.
Car wouldn't start.
Then it did.
Long hot shower.
Delicious food.
Hot cider.
Biggest Loser Finale.


Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Can't handle things tonight.
Going to go get lost in Narnia.


{Political Science Essay Exam- Aced.}

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


{Rainbow day}

dreamless sleep, cleaned room and kitchen, and living room, great scripture study, found chapstick, call from Maria (toes-yes toes- and presents!) cleaned front door hallway/foyer, couple hours of study, healthy lunch, FB email from Brooke, lots of water, temple with mum, story about daddy, long work out (down 6 lbs), enjoyable study session (love political science!), night rain, call from Mark, set up for Friday (snow shoeing!), Bryan with my schedule {start next Wed.}, text from other Brian (fun& funny), text from the Evanator (Wyoming get's Logan radio?) "shakes" waiting for me when I got home :D, couple minutes of the house to myself, garden salsa, music, ready for final tomorrow, Heather in 4 days, new contacts, Cosby show, fluffy white robe, hot showers, no tears, serviced car, FHE activity on Friday, Fry-night Friday, FHE cards, visiting teaching, [{[{Narnia Saturday]}}], training Saturday, g.o.a.l.s with Patrick, "the time" by black eyed peas, "right here" by brandi, "we r who we r" by kesha, "stereo love" by edward maya and vika jigulina, playing how well do you know me with Meggae, volume, finger pads healing, nail strengthener working, jim-halpert, professor lyons, homemade pizza muffins, early night.

I know things are not entirely there yet.
But I'm grateful for the rainbow days.
And that they will come exactly when I need them without knowing it.


Going to the temple today with mum. Half an hour to go.
REALLY need this.

Monday, December 13, 2010


Went fishing today for the first time ever.
Had to go to 4 different places to find a spot where we could get the licenses.
Als:No internet
C-A-L Ranch- printer down
Sport Authority- printer down
Wal-mart- it finally happened but took about an hour to get it all sorted out.

So I dunno, all the waiting around and such-not good right now.
Finally made it up to 2nd dam, figured everything out and got started.
It was pretty okay, mostly I just knew that even though I really wasn't into it, I need to get out of the house and be outside or something.

Said I needed to be home by 330 but of course we don't get home until now. Which okay, maybe being late or whatever isn't a big deal to anyone else. But when I say I need to be home by a certain time-get me there on time. It also didn't help that the entire time all I heard was this:

"So, you don't like it?"
"I think Chelsea's had it."
"Okay, one more cast and we'll go.."
30 minutes later
"Okay, just one more and we'll head out"
"Chelsea you're such a wuss, I bring you out here on one of the warmest days in December and you're freezing?!?"
"So, it's not your thing you don't think?"
"You wouldn't want to come again would you?"
30 minutes later
"Okay as soon as I loose this bait we'll go."

It took everything I had not to just head off down the canyon.
I'm just tired.
I'm not going to write again until I have something positive to say.


I've been having some really messed up dreams. I think it's because of the new meds. This was ridiculous. I was trying to sweep the floor on the first level of our house. There were these little small round spheres everywhere and it was driving me up the walls. I get the broom out and hop to it. But every time I make a sweep it just fills up faster with these same spheres rolling around everywhere.

Eventually the spheres were all jumping and buzzing around me like bees or flies. I tried running to ditch them, had the thought that I should go jump in the shower and then one went into my ear. That's about the time I woke up. jibbled.

Anyways, awoke around 4 o'clock in the morning feeling insanely frantic about EVERYTHING. "What am I going to do" Tossed and turned, couldn't fall back asleep. So I gave up, made some hot cider, went and got textbooks and such out of my car and then sat at the kitchen table glancing through newspaper adds trying to feel tired again.

Didn't work.
Mum woke up and tried talking to me about all the different jobs and things and everything else I could look into but NOTHING sounds good. I'm not remotely interested, but I also don't feel good just where I'm at. Dislike.

Eventually that talk upset me and I headed back up to bed. Made little headway on a study guide for PoliSci and then FINALLY fell back asleep.

Woke back up about 9am. Lay there for awhile enjoying the sunshine and the canines who were snuggling with me. Back to worrying. But this time is was more like worry/remembering. I think every awful thing I've ever done swarmed to the forefront of my mind. I have to keep telling myself that this isn't happening because I did something wrong and this is "punishment". I have to keep telling myself over and over again that those things are NOT who I am anymore. That I'm different. And even though all this is going on, I do NOT need to revert back to all those things.

Because I've been feeling broken and vulnerable, I've been trying to "fix" all the things that I can. Because of all the worry/remembering I've started to realize that...there are things that I haven't taken care of, that I should have at the time they occured ( or not MADE the situation in the first place). Or maybe I just haven't known HOW to fix things because I THINK they're supposed to stay broken. Situations need to be explained, pride set aside, respect shown where I didn't show any before. So far all the outcomes have been good.

Heather will be home in 5 days.
Can't WAIT!

Sunday, December 12, 2010


"The first step to apostasy is hating church art." RizD. people are crazy.

Sacrament meeting today was amazing. All about the atonement, how to apply it, and the "cunning plan of the evil one"- all around it was everything I needed to hear. Plus, because it's December we get to sing the Christmas hymns (which personally I enjoy SO much). Skipped out on Sunday school and did some of my own personal scripture study in the foyer. Again, everything that I read today just really hit me hard in the face.

D&C 98:1-3

"Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks; Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have been entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament- the Lord hath sworn and decreed that it shall be granted. Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my names glory, saith the Lord"

Needed that. In fact that entire section I feel was written for me in this particular time. And it's awesome because it's not like I let my scriptures fall open and bam, there it was. I read pretty consistently and this just so happened to be where I was at. Not a coincidence. Not even close.
And the reminder was something that really calmed me down. Thank goodness.

In Relief Society we talked about the Sacrament, which was also another big eye opener for me on this day. This morning before church some interesting things happened. Not going to go too much into it, but the experiences I'm going through right now are strengthening me and helping me to become the person I know I want to be. And having that reminder come up time and time again is really helping me push through this.

It's a little odd how that's happening ( or maybe not so odd)
I feel alone all the time.
And I feel like no one could ever understand exactly what it is that I feel. The whole thing drives me to the Savior because he's the only one that knows. And even in my darkest moments where I feel like I'm about to give up, or am giving up- I know that if I just hold on that second longer, or minute, or whatever is that he'll rescue me BECAUSE I'm trying. Knowing that he'll never leave me is really the only thing sustaining me right now- and I'm so grateful because I've come to know and understand certain things so much better.

I love my Savior.
And I should be doing more to keep his good name good.

Good experiences today.
Now I'm home. Gonna grab some food, and dive into bed.
So tired.

I love Sundays.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


I was sitting within a dark hall, stage up front. I'm not sure what we were watching, or who but I didn't care. I didn't care because He Who Must Not Be Named was in the audience/crowd? I kept looking over my shoulder to see his face but was only able to see it partially. It was frustrating. I was getting agitated- all I wanted to do was LOOK AT HIM- when all of a sudden I'm surrounded by a crowd of people that are all singing "Happy Birthday" to me.

I kept trying to shout loud enough for people to hear that it wasn't my birthday. No one heard me. Frantically looking around trying to see You Know Who, I did. Just his back, as he waltzed out the back door, into the cloudless night.

Other than that it's been a pretty uneventful day. SUNSHINE THIS MORNING! & Training this morning also, Patrick's gonna start working more closely with me because of all that's been going on- and we both know how much I benefit from a good hard workout, and someone to be accountable to. Melanie shared some tips with me on how she handles things in her own life and all around it was a really good morning.

Once home and showered mum and I got to work on decorating the house. And daddy asked me to help him put up our Christmas lights. We worked from about 11-4. Mostly it took forever to find all the boxes with our varied items. It was good to keep busy but as we finished that up and as time has dragged on since then...

Getting on a plane.
Never looking back.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


So I don't know.
Ever since I called in and deferred my position until after finals I've felt really terrible about it. I can't figure out if it's because I'm supposed to get going on it, or if it's because I know I'll have a hard time with it if I take it, and both options bother me. I don't want to hate my life the way I did the last time I had a job like this( the money though, wow), but I also don't want my fear of not enjoying every second of my life to stop me from being more independent and capable and successful.

I'm not having much success. And a lot of that is because most times I don't feel like I can.
We talked about that the other day.

There's few areas in my life I feel I'm succeeding at. School is a bust-math classes holding me back, me being afraid to even look at the material because I haven't had any kind of success in that area since grade school, I've been jobless since the summer- and mostly that's because I feel I'm not qualified or skilled enough for the jobs that I want so I don't even bother applying ( I'm not counting my day job for my parents), zero progress in the dating arena- and I know that's because I have some situations to sort out and I'm struggling to create a brand new world with a brand new me in it. The friendships that I've held onto for YEARS are now slipping out of my grasp, and I can't find the strength to try and salvage them because 1) I know they're supposed to end as much as I loath that idea and 2) I've realized how much of a nurturer I am. And 1)I can't take care of everyone. And 2) I know that these empty spaces are supposed to be filled with new friends. And I don't know how to accept that when all I want to do is make everything okay for everyone and be a safe harbor for people to come to. I even find myself feeling as though I'm failing in my church callings. Less and less people show up for FHE and I'm doing my best to make it enjoyable, spiritual, and a place for people to get to know each other but no one's interested no matter how hard Brian and I try ( I realize things are just starting, but I'm out of ideas of how to get people there), there's so many people to serve and I know I only am informed on a small margin of those. My own personal health isn't where it should be. And I haven't been going to the gym until recently ( because I freaked out about it) because I was afraid of what Patrick would say if he knew what was going on. And my eating hasn't been choice because it seems like no matter how hard I work I'll never look quite the way I want to ( and seriously, I don't have this unrealistic picture in my head-it's completely legit and I should be able to get there).

That's alot. In my head.
And I'm not meaning for this to be a vent fest but these are all the things fogging up my brain and it's frustrating when I know that for the most part- I've been and am doing good things. Not like I deserve anything, but when you try hard, and you try hard all the time, and you fail to see results- it's also hard not to doubt yourself.

I'm not doing enough am I?
Or there's a part of my life that I need to fix?
Is it one particular thing that's restraining me, or is it a variety of things?
Maybe I'm really not a good person?
Am I just prideful?
Suppose I'm not giving myself enough credit?
Is the problem that I need an attitude adjustment?
Perhaps things really are hard and it's just a part of life, and part of THAT is just getting on with everything and trusting the Lord in the plan he has for me and however THIS particular passage of time is a part of that?

Hundreds of things.
Singular or packaged together into little bundles.

There are many good things.
My amazing family that puts up with all the crazy.
These callings, difficult as I find them at times, are exactly what I need. And even though I don't see it, I believe that I'm changing at least one person's life by trying my best at them- even if it is just me. I've started back on my programs at the gym, and I have a goal in mind that I'd like to reach by Christmas. I'm sleeping, which is great (even if it's drug induced), Christmas is coming which I'm very excited about, I finally took the letter to "his" house and we'll see if he responds- I've been looking for him for a very long time. I don't have to worry about getting some kind of activity together for FHE this coming week because it's combined and someone else is in charge. Tyler wrote me a letter, it was short but in that moment it was exactly what I needed and he has no idea how much that's helped me this entire week. A break from school is coming up, I've had the chance to talk to Jarren a lot more on FB. Heather comes home on the 18th and I can't wait to stay up late listening to all her crazy stories and filling her in on mine. After the break Erika is FINALLY going to teach me how to make bread. Snowing shoeing with Scott sometime. Temple Square trip on the 28th. Possibly seeing Meggae and hitting up the club- because we haven't done that in WAY to long, and it's always fun with her. Daddy has more temple names for me to do when I get a chance to get in there again. Zach is coming into town on the 28th/29th and we're going to hit up Cafe' Rio like old times.

There are many good things.


Okay, nobody panic.
Things are fine.
I think my body was trying to tell my mind to just slow things down and get real with all the things I'm trying to sort out and get organized. Things are back on track now for the most part, and while I have to wait for certain things to kick in I'm doing much better. I appreciated all the texts and shout outs ( to all of you, I really needed that- you have NO IDEA. And I'm sorry for being so vague, it's a little insane). It's a little bit of a waiting game, which makes things more diffficult.

So, my focus:
Finish semester.

It's so close I can taste it, and it tastes like fondue.
Fun fact: {Chels loves Fondue.} And what better place is there to get in then down at my most favored restaruant? It's all about coming up with the funds to dine because it's incredibly expensive (and I'm talking about REAL fondue, not this cheese and chocolate thing which is legit in itself but.. fondue is so much broader than that.)

This is short but I've got to head back to bed.

Definitley time for some shut eye.


What I would give for a romantic candle lit dinner.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


More later.

Monday, December 6, 2010


Oh. my gosh.

This is so messed up.

Friday, December 3, 2010


I want to put the universe on my bedroom walls.

Thursday, December 2, 2010




{more prompts}

Your First Celebrity Crush?
Adam Lamberg

Do You Wear Glasses?
Yes. Sometimes prescription, sometimes novelty.
I'm all about the specs.

Do You Play A Sport?
I think the question should be what sports do I NOT play. LOVE athletics.

Your Favorite Disney Princess?
Easy. Belle.

Top Three Favorite Bands or Artists?
1. Red Hot Chili Peppers- always&forever
2. Adele
3. Paramore

Initials Of Your Crush?
Ha. Yeah right.


29 points.
29 points.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


{Keep Calm and Carry On.....Now Panic and Freak Out} not.

Even just from Monday, things have been improving exponentially. I still don't know what the root of my fears stem from. Well. I KNOW but haven't known how to eliminate it. I have my answer, and I'm sticking to it, and I KNOW that it's right. It's not a question anymore, but the fear of where it could lead or NOT lead, or the things that I'm going to have to do, or might not be able to do still linger in the back of my head. It's not coming from God. And it's the worst feeling in the world.

It's not a surprise that Institute today touched on this. I can't BELIEVE, EVER, how blessed I am. How in line everything that I've been struggling with has been touched on in this class, even the very same day. I've felt invisible in my realm of the world for so many months now but over and over in this class I've felt an increase of love from the spirit reassuring me that I'm not insignificant, or unimportant, or not lost in the sea of every human being who has lived, is living and who will live. It just reminds me that I matter and that's been vital this year.

I knew that this would be a year of decision making. There were several months there, were I was paralyzed with anxiety. I didn't DO anything for fear of making the wrong choice, or not doing the right thing. It was complicated because leading up to this point I've made the right decisions, in the right way, and it's left me with a lot of heartache. I understand that those things needed to happen, sacrifice is part of this plan, but losing several people to one person might just be... well, leaving losing several people- where ONE person to me feels like EVERYONE. But the Lord requires that you take that first step of faith, and that's probably been one of the most difficult things I've had to experience and learn how to do. Trust.

And it's not because I don't think my Father in Heaven has my back, or that he doesn't know my heart.
He does.
It's all been about learning to trust myself.

That's what I have to do now.
Is trust the feelings that I've had about how to approach every aspect of my future, because there are certain things that I know he wants me to pursue.
We discussed this talk: "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence"

It's exactly what I need at this EXACT moment in my life. I'm overwhelmed with how much love I feel within this gospel from my Heavenly Father, his timing, and my own ability in recognizing it. He is merciful, and the most important thing to me in the world right now is knowing how much he cares about me. And I know that's how much he cares about everyone else to.

I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone! So if you find you have 10 minutes to spare, take time to enjoy this talk. It will uplift you, and if you're like me, leave you weeping with happy tears. :S