Monday, May 30, 2011


Man. We're gettin' weird.
I dunno, but the last couple of days I've been strolling around with a perma-smile on this mug. Super content. More security than ever before. And I'm just amazed at how good everything feels right now. I know a few reasons for why.

TTOTM (It really was a blessing)
Things with him.
Things with the other him.
Things with Him.
New music downloads.
Progress with the roomies.
Nicole's Bday.
I wrote a song-and it's AWESOME.
In fact... I'm going to post it.

I wrote this FOR Nicole. You won't understand what it's about but it was a success. She laughed really hard. That means it was successful in case you missed that part. Here it is:

The sun just peeked out from behind the clouds.
My family wants to play "Would You Rather"...huh?
I feel like too much has happened for me to be able to get it all down.
Things were getting really crazy, but then a miracle happened. This miracle will give me about a week to figure this out, make a plan, and execute the plan. Thank goodness for miracles. I didn't deserve this one but I learn every day more and more about how merciful my God is. And how thankful I am for that knowledge and the love I know He has for me even though I'm not always valiant. I've met some pretty amazing people lately. People that are helping me to reaffirm all the truths that I've found out for myself and redrawing the line that separates black and white-the way it was before. It's funny the ways in which we readjust or recalculate the path that we're trying to stay on. And interesting how we find that in the least likely places.
I'm really happy right now.

I AM going back to USU. Just got an in with an amazing tutor and I'm going to kick the trash out of all the worthless math I've got to get through. And I will. So help me, I will.


Friday, May 27, 2011

Shontelle - Say Hello To Goodbye (Cover by Adam Stanton & Candace Lacina)


{I own 4 dishes, and they're all glass cups}

I think I got lucky with my roommates even though I hardly ever see them. And when I do they're distant. It's true. I basically live there by myself. It was the right choice though, and it's confirmed as time goes on and life begins to fill out with all the lovin' summer has to offer. It's been good thing for him also. The move has been good for US. Scratch the couple days where he went total MIA-but we're working on it. Work is starting to pick up (what I mean to say is my other jobs have begun), it's slowly...slowly....slowly... but surely getting warmer, and I'm getting thinner. I've met a couple people. I've ditched a couple people. But it's all a part of the adventure.

Been looking at a bullet bike. I told myself when I started at Uni that IF I graduated I would buy myself one. 3 years later I'm 90% positive I'm not going to graduate from Uni-but I'm going to buy myself a bullet bike anyways. I found one for a decent price, it's going about it that will be the experience. Getting my motorcycle license, um, learning how to drive a motorcycle (I guess those go together), it's a pretty daunting task but I'm so ready to wrap my legs around a powerful engine and fly through the canyon. Yep. I said it. I want to RIDE. And I want to do it now.

So I'm looking.
And lusting.

BATC is looking like a good fit, now I have to present the idea to my parents. I'm worried about what they'll say. But more about what they WON'T say. And I'm worried no matter what I decide I won't really stay committed to it, because when you look at my track record...well... it's full of fickle decisions about school and ya know.. my future. I think about that, and then about other things-for instance- how awesome the soundtrack to Fast Five is and how much I want to dance.

I'm getting the hang of this grocery shopping thing. Really struggled there for a min.
And I really need to get on purchasing a laptop, it would eliminate a lot of travel time.
I went to my new ward last Sunday. It was good, but I have a hard time making new friends, just something I have to keep working on I suppose. I could also help myself by maybe GOING to the activities but I guess it just feels "single"-and I'm not.

Which reminds me.. AGAIN. I need to get some picture of us. We're a BOMBSHELL couple if you ask me. Speaking of bombshells.. I went and saw my 2nd family the other night. I was feeling really..somewhere else. Needed some solid ground to stand on that I knew wasn't going to shake me around or throw me for a loop. I'm not sure how other people's families work. In mine I have 4 parents and 23 siblings. We know how to have a good time. You definitely WANT to be considered a part of my family, it's an elite clan of the most amazing people in the world, with the biggest hearts (and stomachs) in the entire world. Huge parties, catching up and cracking jokes, children everywhere, a roaring fire and friendships that will last a lifetime. There are few things I love more then sitting up on the hill and looking down at my family spending quality time together and enjoying a warm summers night-mossies and all. I'll need to get some pictures of that also. I haven't been good on pictures lately.

I've been thinking about my family nonstop lately and how they really are my best friends. I'd rather spend time with them over anyone else any day of the week and I love that we all feel the same. This morning as I sat on the guard chair and looked down at the wee 8th graders swimming around in the pool I thought about WHY I was thinking about my family so much.
A couple weeks ago I met someone. He was confident enough to leave his number at one of my tables one afternoon. I couldn't read the name but thought to myself "what in the world have I got to lose by contacting this person?"-so I did right then.

Even though I did end up losing something, I've learned a lot of things from him. And most of it reminds me of how lucky I am to have grown up the way I did, with the family I did, and with all the opportunity I did. He comes from a different situation. He talks about his friends the way I talk about my family. The impression I've gotten is that he didn't really HAVE family, so he made his friends just that. I admire that, and I'm very happy for him-but I'm happier that my FAMILY became my FRIENDS rather than the other way around. As great as I know my friends are, and as much as I love them with the deepest parts of my heart I know that NONE OF THEM will ever love me, or be as aware of my self interest as my family will. I have that to count on. I have that security.

I wonder about his security.
He makes me wonder about a lot of things.

I believe people enter and leave your life for a reason, every single time. I don't believe in coincidence or happenstance, I believe in purpose. I can't see exactly what the meaning of this friendship is or will be but I can honestly say he's amazing. And has turned out to be a very good friend, even with our many differences and expectations. He talks a lot. I wish he'd let me talk more, I have a lot more to say.

And I've realized I have a lot more blessings to be aware of then I am currently.
My family.
Talisa leaves for Germany tomorrow, for an entire month. I'm so excited for her! She's not nervous at all and I envy that. No way was I that confident at 15 years old. What a rockstar.

-changing over laundry-

Really happy these days.
Feeling a lot of love.
And can feel myself beginning to give a lot more love.

Cute moment last night. He took me to a movie (he has a thing for movies) and then we came back to my apartment. Talked, snuggled, etc. When it came time for him to leave (because THIS time he made sure I followed curfew-I totally cheated last time) I started tying the strings to his hood together. He lifted my chin and said "You always do that when you don't want me to leave". I looked up and saw him biting his lip. I said "And YOU always do THAT when you want to stay". We both just laughed. Sighs.

One day.
It's gonna happen.

Went to Texas Roadhouse for the first time today. It was really good. But I ate to much and threw everything up when I got home. It was weird. I also ended up just tossing the leftovers I brought home. What a waste. Ugh. And now I'm at my parents house waiting for my laundry to dry and for Talisa to get home, so I can head back to my apt for yoga with Jonester. Parker's having a bonfire tonight, I need to purchase Nicole's present and I need to find someone to cover for me tomorrow night so I can GO to her party.

Looking forward to an early night tonight, after a really long hot soothing shower. I've got these really sexy dark circles underneath my oculars because of all the all nighters or almost-all-nighters, and my hair is in need of a professional trim. I try and do it myself but I sucker out because I have this THING with my hair. Maybe I'll just have mum do it.

Joni was telling me about a graduation trip to Australia she wants to take. I'm so glad she wants me to come with her-I love Australia and definitely don't get over there often enough. I miss THAT family. It's hard to be close with them, maybe that's why it's almost overcompensated for here... but I don't really see it that way. The movie we went to last night took place in Thailand. It made me miss it.

Travel bug may be making it's stealthy appearance.
The upcoming camping trip should stay some of the angst.
And Vegas with Jasmin (that trip is gonna be hella clean)
Annual Lagoon trip with Meggae

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


Things just became more serious.
It's ironic because it's come at a time when I feel the least deserving of something so great.
But, I am also trying to stop feeling that way, and just work on fixing the things that have been screwed up and working hard to move forward.

I have to keep reminding myself that everyone has set backs. Everyone makes mistakes.
I just want to shut off everyone else, he kind of matters the most.
So here we go.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Saving Abel Mississippi Moonshine

Obsessed with Saving Abel

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I don't know if I'm going back to college.
Checkin' out tech schools.

Monday, May 16, 2011


Sometimes all you want to do is cuddle up on the couch and forget how much of a screw up you are. We chatted and watched a couple movies, then he shared some new music with me. Adelita's Way-life saving material. It's too bad he's a crispy critter (Sidenote-if you're white, wear sunscreen. This is basic stuff people), so I couldn't get too close. :(

Kinda feels like everything is going wrong, but really only one thing is wrong.
But that one thing is REALLY wrong.
And I just don't think I'll get over this.

It happens. I close up for a couple weeks, go underground, try to deal with myself and then hopefully come back into the world a little more functional and put together.
It's my fault.
It's all my fault.

I deserve what happens next.

Sunday, May 15, 2011


A little update:

All moved into my new place.
It's awesome, but I feel like I live there by myself. I'm not complaining, but it would be cool to hang out with the other girls that are paying to live there also. I guess their kinda like me though; in that summers are times to put your nose to the grind and crank out the cash.
Once my 2nd and 3rd job start things will feel a little better.
Bike is serviced. Can put Oscar in storage for a few months and save some cash.
Savannah's is slowly but surely starting to pick up, plus we've got some new fantastic staff.

I'm losing weight. A lot because I've picked up the running and working out, and also I think the move had me stressed out. Oh, and the part where I haven't really bought any food because I don't know how the girls system works. I have breakfast foods though!

Been loving the sunshine.
Loving it.
A lot.
Did I mention how wonderful the sunshine has been.

Found myself in a crazy situation the other night.
3am, 4 cop cars, DUI and tickets for going 140 mph through the canyon.
No, it wasn't me who was speeding, or drinking.
Super ghetto though.

But I have slept at my apt for the last 2 nights IN A ROW which is a record since for the first week I lived there-I didn't actually sleep there. I slept through my alarm this morning so missed church. At home doing laundry.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


One of these nights I'm actually going to have to sleep in the room I'm paying for.
Haven't yet.
Feel like a little girl in this world of big bad men.
But the crazy is still beginning to make it's appearance.
It was only a matter of time. Right?

Thursday, May 5, 2011


I couldn't ever be in sales.
Saturday is looming and I haven't done anything to pack up my stuff.
Just sounds like a big, noisy, messy move.
But I'll have access to a hot tub.
Can't find my bike.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Fefe Dobson - Can't Breathe


Summer is coming. It's official because the tan lines are official.

Happy 5 month anniversary for me and him.
Yes. It's true. 5 months ago, on this day, I let the poor man kiss me. :D
{Best first kiss ever.} Short, light, sweet.

I just realized I don't have a single picture of the 2 of us.
Should maybe work on that.........

Tonight Shirley and I are getting make overs.
I don't know much about Mary Kay but I know much about Habitat for Humanity so the whole competition is pretty exciting. And yeah, even though I don't wear much make up it'll be cool to learn more about it, and yes... free things are always awesome.

Also. I want bangs. Like Fefe Dobson.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


So Dustin is basically the man.
It's true that I barely studied for the exam, I think the only part I was worried about was the matching (and why matching is on a final exam in college I can't really explain). So I woke up super early and headed into school to do some last minute cramming. Turns out I didn't really need to.

He decided to make it an open book test! So if I wasn't going to get an A anyways.... I definitely got an A. My grades are looking really good this semester. One more final to go.

Three "A's" and an"A-" is what I'm thinking will happen. Super exciting.
Zack loved my final art project.
Went on an awesome run up around SV hill.
I found Nicolita on FB, definitely would LOVE to hit up China this summer.
And some guy left his number on a napkin for me to find at work tonight.

Pretty good day.
Sore and exhausted.

Monday, May 2, 2011

532 {sometimes}


Sometimes your impulsive and decide to buy silverware that 1) has knives with NO serrated edges, and 2) when you didn't even bother to find out FIRST if you even HAD to buy silverware.

Sometimes you have to take an extra trip into town to make some returns.

Sometimes you think that the best way to break in your new shoes is to run 6 miles.

Sometimes you get "new shoe" blisters and kinda dislike that you made it 6 miles instead of a reasonable 3.

Sometimes instead of studying for an exam-that you have at 930am-you find yourself outside on the grass drooling whilst napping on a sun absorbent blanket with your canines.

Sometimes you wake and find that you just MISS someone. And you want someone to just sit and talk with about all the things that matter most to you.

Sometimes that means calling someone that you previously had decided to wait on, to call you back.

Sometimes that person answers, and you're happy for a moment.

Sometimes after several days of trying to make some major decisions in your life, you realize that you're about to be on the rag, and are in no shape what so ever to make rational decisions-as much as you might want to, or think that you can-

Sometimes you go and hang out with someone that's been a good experience in your life, and you're still pretty happy.

Sometimes that person pays you a compliment, the kind that matters most.

Sometimes you stay for a couple of hours chatting and watching YouTube videos, and even though you don't care about Zombies or gore you care about the person so you keep being animated and interested, but that's kind of the way you are.

Sometimes it gets late but you don't really want to leave, or stay, as much as you just want to RUN away and never look back.

Sometimes you linger and enjoy some affection with someone who taught you things like "smile and wave!" and you laugh hysterically because things get silly.

And sometimes you know you're pushing limits and that ultimately it will lead to a mistake.

Sometimes you make a mistake.

Sometimes you talk about it, wrap things up, set a date, then head on home to get a good nights sleep.

And sometimes before going to bed, to get things out of your head, you make some killer hot chocolate and lose yourself in Hulu Reality TV (something that involved cooking)

Sometimes it helps for a second.

Sometimes you remember you have a 930 exam that you STILL haven't really done much studying for, suddenly feel exhausted and head to bed.

Sometimes it's like this, a lot.