Sunday, May 31, 2009

95

Well, the situation is certainly looking reformed. Although I'm still pretty cagey with my heart since several gaping soul holes are still ever present (and throbbing slightly). I suppose I should better explain myself.
Mike's been really wishy washy of late. I mean, who expresses their interest in someone and then doesn't do anything REAL about it for several weeks. Well (sighs), that's Mike for ya'. I thought things might have changed since the last time we dated {which ended with him ignoring me for the better part of 8 months. Talk about being sidelined :P}, and I don't know. I expected the mission to have assisted him in maturing a little bit in that area, but I suppose all this "expectation" was my own fault. Shame on me! The point: He halted communication with me for a couple days, which I suppose to any "normal" woman might be acceptable. I kept thinking about the past and what the situation was looking like. TOO familiar. It isn't surprising when you take into that account what happened next.

In short I spazzed out inwardly {is that some kind of oxymoron?} to myself for about 43 min. And then calmly removed myself from the situation with mental excersizes that I've developed and customized for myself when dealing with relationships(I kind of want to gag when I say that word). And things were easier because I relied upon the Lord.
I stand all amazed when I think of his love for me.

It was easy to evaluate the situation as a daughter of God, dealing with a son of God. I realized that just because I make up my mind to work hard at something with someONE doesn't mean that they'll choose or want the same thing. And what I've found based on past experiences is that prayers to my merciful Father in Heaven are never answered the way that I originally want. It is without fail {everytime} answered in the most bizzare-off-the-beaten- path-what-in-the-world?!?!...kind of way. And I'm so much better for it, without fail (everytime).

The conclusion: Today I decided to start moving on, getting those mission papers that I've been trying to get together-together, and start thinking very seriously about my schooling. I explained all this to Sarah Lynne. How everything feels suddenly calm and untroubled. I felt so good about what I decided to do. Or maybe just that I felt like chips would fall where they were supposed to.

And then he tells me that he wants to get things rolling. Actually dating. Oh and that he wants to try very hard to make this last.


I did NOT see that coming.
I'm nervous and jittery because of all that has transpired thus far. We both know what we're BOTH looking for so. I mean, I don't think I need to explain that any further. I want things to work out, and I want him to be the best person for me just how I want to be the best person I can be for him.

So uh... Carpe' Life. Right? (sighs) Whatever.

Other news:

Family got new Home Teachers. {<3 them}
Victoria {lil' sis} gave a great talk at her Seminary Graduation.
Jeff is coming canoeing on Friday. {Ah yeah!}
Temple open house Sat. {so excited}
Oregon Trip set in planning mode this evening.
Start work at the Aquatic Center tomorrow afternoon.
Canoeing with Sarah Lynne tomorrow before 5 pm. {that's when we have to give the magical watercraft back. :(}

To Do This Week:

First day of work at Aquatic Center Mon.
Temple session Tues. morning.
Call mystery man about Dark Blue Glorious Subaru
Call Rudy's about paycheck ($$$)
I'm sure there is more, but I'll get to that shinanagin's later.


I kinda just feel like my life is gliding along in exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
Sababa! { "awesome" in Hebrew}



Saturday, May 30, 2009

94

And so.


I mean, I don't think that I really need to explain what's going on here.


------------


6:oo pm. So now all I'm doing is waiting for the bomb to drop- because it will undoubtedly. I just kinda hoped that things had changed. That instead of ignoring the situation like before {I hate bringing up the past} that this time we could actually stay on honest footing.
It's not looking good. And all day has been an emotional roller coaster. I haven't eaten anything because I'm nauseated. I'm trying to keep busy so not to think about it. I finally turned off my phone because I was driving MYSELF insane looking at it all the time. And all of this angst because I know what's coming- it just hasn't yet.


It's ok if you don't care about me anymore.
Really & Truly.
I hate this part right here.








Friday, May 29, 2009

93

BDG! {Bah! Dah! Gah!- for those of you that are slow}

This is Chelsea giving the blow-by-blow {???} on yesterday's headlines & highlights {And no, I'm not talking about some idiot walking around with "headlines" or "highlights"- this is the real deal people}, primarily we'll take a peek-sie at the "Catastrophe that will be preventing an innocent family get together", next we'll talk about "GreenPeace wailing, whailing, wah-ailing {whaling? :D}, on Virtual City designers", and last but certainly NOT least "An evening that was, quite possibly MUCH TO WONDERFUL". [[insert dramatic voice where you deem appropriate, since I don't care enough to do it for you]]

Also, all other sidenotes, analogies, sarcastic bon mots {Now, I know that some of you are going to have no idea what I'm talking about here. This means "remarks"- oh and I quite frequently use dead language phrases- look at it as a learning experience! Quid pro quo right?} and AA {Audacious Acronymns} that usually turn up in this scandal sheet.

First things first. Ob.viously. Um Texas? In June? Come on menage'! You KNOW that I have school and work! You couldnt have picked a date in July or Aug.? Wow. So basically you're all going to be bashing it up with hullabaloo, hoopla, and saturnalia in the land of BIG while I'm stuck {much like unto a barnacle} here in "reality/actuality". The only consolidation that I have for this ghastly turn of events is that you're inveighing my candied N&N {niece and nephew} back to me from the land of BIG. I'm going to wish you a good time and safe travel because I LOVE you, but man- I'm totally feeling gypped. Hard core. Petal to the metal.

Next, the horror of these horrid virtual designers that have horrifying ideas. I suppose this is the part where the green panther inside me pounces outwardly full throttle. Understanding that they aren't going to start production on these "cities" [right now] isn't really the point. I can read. I live in America. Stating the obvious normally gets my point across, but I'm going to go further with this. I'M NOT AN IDIOT [[I can hear "the people" snickering under their breath right now! HALT I tell you!]]. I'm getting ahead of myself {as usual}, because I keep forgetting that I'm not the only one that dips into this narrative.

I just recently read that there is this idea of Ocean Cities *skeptical face* complete with airports being circulated throughout the world {this mostly means America}. The idea of building 10+ cities out in the middle of the sea to provide more places to habitat. I understand that this precious apple is becoming increasingly overpopulated. Particularly in places such as China. But it just makes sense to me that we build from the bottom up, instead of expanding and wasting what we have already. Sure, there are lots of places that haven't been developed {I'm to/rn on the issue because I don't necessarily LIKE developing, but I do believe in working with what we have first}, but that doesn't mean that they couldn't be! That we couldn't work on making THOSE environments better to thrive upon first! I don't see the problem, and it could be because I don't have all the facts {I'm sure that's it entirely]. BUT what I DO know is that putting these cities out in the ocean {not connected to the mainland} is going to cause lots of controversy. Particularly with me.

At what cost do we start axing Davey Jones's Locker? Well, apparently each city would cost a smidge more than a billion dollars each. That puts a price tag on it. Cha-ching.
I don't have much more to say on the subject, at least not anything I could say inbetween spitting {figuratively} on the people proposing these ideas...so we'll leave my rant at that.

[[[[Sidenote: This reminds me of that city in the high seas off the coast of Spain. The one that's for sale? Does anyone know what I'm talking about? You can now buy the worlds smallest country-up on stilts. It comes with it's own flag, currency, AND civilians! And it can be yours for 1 billion dollars! {$$$} and upon purchase you become royal! What a steal!]]]]

We're nearing the finale of our report. The evening that was much MUCH to wonderful. And it certainly was. Cat's pajama's baby! I caulked my souls nucleus {my heart} up after our last conversation. I read this quote somewhere "Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts, and don't put up with those that are reckless with yours." I couldn't help BUT to think of Mike. Get geared up for the analogy-we knew there would be one. I KNOW that he cares deeply for me. Not only because he's said it-out loud-to me, but because of the way that he shows it. But I feel like I'm in a zoo with a bunch of other girls. And the one that he finds the most interesting or attractive is the one that he'll feed.
I guess my thing is that I'm not going to enter some petty competition. If that's what this is going to come down to I'll bow out with my head held high. right now. I don't see that as being something worth my time. And what am I trying to prove anyways? The only person I'm trying to prove anything to is my merciful Father in Heaven. And that's the only person I'm worried about. pinkie promise.

They [whoever they are] say that relationships like this have phases. And this could be the phases that's named "Well, let's just see how far she would go to keep me as hers " or "Making her jealous". But I've named it something else "Start acting stupid and I'm a' walkin' ". I'm looking for someone who's willing to work as hard as I am. And I'm not going to settle.

It's not as nullifying as I'm making it sound. It was copacetic when he came over. It always is. What I love about Mike is that I don't have to try and entertain him. He's so content just sitting and playing tic tac toe, or paddocks. He loves mind games, and telling riddles. It's so easy to be with him. And he's very easy to please. I sometimes get annoyed [alright, sometimes I get filled with NUR- near uncontrollable rage] with my parental units because they always want to chit chat with us and whatever. I don't blame them, he has a magnitizing personailty and you can't help but want to be around him.

I just wish things like love weren't so complicated and stupid sometimes. Bah hahahah! I just realized how funny that is.
Whatever. What will be will be. Right?[said with hope]

The happier stuff: Working in the greenhouse was aces!! I've missed Kirsty! And Robyn! I'm brimming with the blue funk [I didn't realize I hated that word-funk-until I just wrote it] that this job is almost over. All the plants are either sold, or dead :(. but the heat and humidity were welcoming! I ate really healthy yesterday which always makes me feel good! Watched a movie with my parents and laughed heartily at all the little nuances! Daddy brought home the paperwork for financial aid, and Sarah Lynne and I are totally going to Oregon in several weeks. and then we {{Mike and I-ke ha ha! Get it!?} played magic wars. He gets points because he actually owns a collectible Harry Potter wand {?? um ??}, but I racked in the points by just recently learning how to wink. *wink face*.
He stayed over till' about midnight. And then we text till about 2 in the morning. It was awesome!

Also- I'M GETTING A NEW CAR!

That's it for now, whew! What a long entry! But the weather is nice and the sun is calling my name {middle name and all} So.. I'm out to Carpe Diem!

LI {Later-ish}

Ahoy Matey's!
Yo ho, yo ho a ninja pirate's like for us!

It was a pretty productive day-actually I'd say more then any other day. Captain Kid {Sarah Lynne} and Cut Throat Cabin Boy Chelsea {that's me, in case you got lost}. We basically dominated the 7 seas, got caught in a Hurricane named "Wiggle y'Bum" and duck-napped several fowl.


Oh, and we saved a drowning man {but for reals}. His first problem? Well he jumped in with jeans. {um?} Second problem? Couldn't swim {Why did you jump off the cliff?}. And third problem? Got caught in the current {well... alright}. We whipped our ship around, tossed him a PFD {personal floatation device} and paddled him to shore.

Ha ha! We totally carpe'd the trash out of this diem! {I think I just made the dead language.. dead-er :D}


Thursday, May 28, 2009

It's In Everyone's Personality To Want To Be Better

...... At least that I've noticed.

I love that.






Monday, May 25, 2009

91

Hmm..

What to express about the last couple of days....

Nicole's 21st birthday was an absolute hit of ecstasy! She really appreciated the memory box, and now I need to work on finding her a Zen Rock Garden {Also, I totally forgot to take photos OF her box of magical memories- those will be put up later-ish}. We can't remember where we saw them! The Fair Trade Store? Uh.. Borders? Earthly Awakenings? If I can't track 1 down, then I'll go with the Bamboo-boo plant.. but she's been a yearnin' for a rock garden for a long time now..

We joked about going to the bar and throwing a few back, but what a better way to spend a day celebrating life- and remembering it. Huh. We played "the Tournament"- which I personally like to call Extreme Snap. Way more fun with lots of people, and in the final round it was me vs. Mike. He totally won. Whatever. I dominated at Scattergories which made up for it. Quid pro quo right? And uh.. yeah!

In other news. I'm working on buying my motorcycle [sickle]. Daddy is still trying to talk me out of it. And his logic IS difficult to ignore. Life expectancy depletion. What about winter? Having to get my motorcycle license. What about in the long run? I mean. I get it. I really do. But unless he wants to help me purchase that gorgeous orange Suburu [drools a little]... no matter. It may be that I can't get a loan from the bank. It MAY be that he gets to decide for me. (slightly frowned face)

Been thinking about school. Or trying very hard NOT to think about it. Classes begin in about 2 weeks and the closer it gets the more I feel like running away {that and other very pressing matters}. I don't feel like University is for me. Perhaps a trade school would be more to my liking, but in case I decide that Uni is for me- it would be a great ++additive++ to have those Math courses behind me. No one has called me about Elements and it's been assumed that they've been trying to get people trained. But they don't answer my calls- so.. what do I do? I start working at the Aquatic Center on the 6th. I'm so nervous and jittery about everything.

I feel like there are so many things I need to get done.

-Finish up at the greenhouse
-Buy books for school/Tuition
-Transportation?
- Somehow get in touch with Elements/Pay for uniform ($$$)
-Buy new swim suit for guarding {$$$)/Schedule?
- Temple? on Tuesday?
- Information on Humanitarian Aid jobs withIN the church {:D}
-Calling Jarren to get Greg's # for the trip this summer.
- Figuring out if I can go to Texas for 10 days with my fam.
-St. Gizzy this weekend with Meggae Reggae?
-Sabina and our backpacking trip to Paraguay
-Finding an apartment?
-Sending Matt's letter
-Emily? Where is she? What is she doing? I miss her.
-Haircut/Dentist appt.
-Lagoon trip
-Birthday's
-Transferring my records
-Tithing.

Ugh. That list is so BIG. Why.. why.. why...

....and then him.

Just when I feel totally ready for marriage, that very thing becomes a very possible-very very very possible- event in my extremely near future. And all I feel like doing is running. I've been preparing for this for the past 2 years. 2 I tell you! Spiritually I feel ok! But now I'm freaking out because I don't feel mature enough for this. What about all the things I still want to do! All the travel and other experiences. I don't know how to cook very well! I don't know how to handle finances together WITH someone. What I've done has always been for me. Buying things for me, going places for me, working at things for me. And now trying to make it a team effort!?! What's the rush anyways! Ah! Be careful what you wish for I guess! But man, I didn't expect it so quick.
I still have time.

We're both still adjusting. I told him I'm not in a hurry because I still feel really inadequate. And I'm nervous about settling. I mean, this is great.. but what if this isn't what's best.
Good thing he's so understanding. And good thing he's agreed to take this slow. I'm so hesitant all of a sudden. So scared of messing up, or making the wrong decision. I have this insane urge to move away... far far far far far far away.


I'm so afraid. And we've done nothing except talk about it.
I can feel my mind packing things up and storing them away.


Jittery Jibblies.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

90

This will go down in history, as the day that Chelsea had to GREAT of a night to write about it.
I
AM
ELATED!!


finally.

89

Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Possibly Tonight!!

Friday, May 22, 2009

88

I fell into bed ready to drop last night. And was almost instantly shanghai'd by oh blessed siesta. Dreamless slumber- and then.... our fire [[alarm]] went off. Blaring shamelessly. At 4 o'clock in the blasted "a.m."! I heard my mom and daddy scuttling about trying to figure out what's going on with all the noisy commotion. Everything was still a little murkey, because I was still attempting to figure out what was going on. Hazy. Bleary. Crepescular. You name it. I was it.

My mom bustled into my normally serene cubbyhole.
"Chels, are you burning something in here?"
"Are you serious? It's 4 in the morning. 4!! And what would I be burning?"
.......(door shuts)

A few minutes later, Daddy
"Chels, we may need to get everyone out of the house"
"The alarm is off dad"
"Oh yeah"
"Go back to bed daddy"
"Night chels"
......(door shuts)

Following that episode of chaos I couldn't dip back into my REM cycle. Every time I sealed my oculars an upsetting image from Angels and Demons sneakily crept to for forefront of my frontal lobes. So they kept snapping open against my physical will. So vexed, but so reluctant to padlock my peepers. And then my eyeballs started seeing shapes in my darkened room, and I could have sworn that a member of the secret society was sitting casually, but menacingly in my desk chair- it's incredible what a pile of clothes can morph into, in the early hours of the morning. Heh. So after doing this for a good hour or so I finally decided to get up, cross my room, and turn on a light. It took me a long time to feel brave enough to get out of bed, and then to tip toe across my carpet passing the foreboding swa-ivel chair to switch the light.

The light flickered on, and my spirit sighed in relief. Just clothes. No secret combinations plotting against my life, no Catholic conspiracy, nothing. Just a pile of clothes. And 1 stupid girl.

I went back to bed and fell asleep promptly. And just as the REM began.. again, my phone alarm began it's customary jingle. 7:00 am. *blinks*


I debated for a good 45 mintues whether or not I wanted to go on the hike. Hadn't gotten to much sleep, was starving, not a good hiker- as much as I like to lie to myself about it, bad ankles, inadaquate shoes, grass allergies, cliffs, bad tracktion, morning? I mean... need I go on? Dah! I ended up going anyways, because I really do want to get in BETTER shape. So we headed up, a little later then we planned because everyone was gone, along with all the cars so Nicole Amy had to come and pick me up {my apologies dearest, next time- I drive}, and then sped{well, not because Nicole was driving} up the canyon.

Thank goodness I went! It was a gorgeous hike, the waterfall was enjoyable to walk through, the wind caves were INCREDIBLE!. I can NOT believe I've lived here most of my life and never been up there. So we made a plan- an new trail every week, or as often as we can make out schedules work together. Plus she's giving me lessons on becoming a good winker- cause I wanna be.


And now..

Family is going down to the BIG city. Visiting friends, and what not. Debating about whether or not I'm going to go. They are visiting Bonnie, and Monjoo. And are having authentic Indian {food ;) } for dinner. Ugh. I can't appreciate it. And then, while the parents converse they expect us to just.. hang out at the GateWay...

Uh. Gag me.
So it will probably result in me staying here, which is just as well because I need to work on Nicole Amy's present some more, Mike is wanting to do his room, I'm still a baby zombie because of the lack of sleep, and now my body is in full revolt from the hike- which took forever because neither one of us is strong hikers. And uh... it would be nice to have some peace and quiet for a bit.


Thursday, May 21, 2009

86

Wowzer! Yesterday was glutted with passion busting events.
May 20th.
This day parallels many others, of several different years. And it reminds me of that song written by HelloGoodbye: Jessie Don't Buy Nothing...Go To Prom {I went to prom on the 20th of May. It was the worst date I've ever been on-still is-but whatevs}

In other front page headlines it is also the day that the First Counsel of Nicea met, Cher's birthday, and the day that Christopher Columbus died.
Shrugs. Just in case anyone cares. Besides me.

Where to begin the saga? First of all, my "a.m." was spent deep cleaning my room. This doesn't mean a whole lot-because my room stays immaculate. All the time. A fear of spiders keeps the clutter from piling up and the laundry from NOT being done. It felt good none-the-less because huspaz! We FINALLY fixed our vaccuum, and it runs smooth as Paul's lips!!...? Dusted, polished, reorganized my closet, watered plants, etc.

Following that I danced into the shower in preparation of going to the temple. I was on pins and needles, afraid that it wouldn't work out. Been attempting to split this for a long time. A couple months actually, but something always comes up. {Riiigghhtt} Everytime I warbled they put me on hold, and then had to call back, and then when I finally got through I offered them the wrong information. What a potential disaster! Thankfully it all worked out and Maren, Nicole Amy and I went to the 1 o'clock session. The first time I'd gone in about 12 years. The spiritual high was impressive and I felt on feathers the rest of the day. And it was fun to think about the parallels of how things were 3-4 years ago, and how everything has been a gradual and progressive change up unto this event.
After finishing up we walked around the grounds, ended up sitting under a bright purple tree, fountains gushing in the background, tulips suffocating the gardens. Beautiful.
It was pleasant to sit & catch up.

I've missed Maren Blaise, and the Feng Su. "Basically amazing".
What a good girl!


Around 2:30pm, I was blitzed to get to the Aquatic Inservice. They're overdoing these meetings, and I miss Jon as the boss but what can ya do right? We went over CPR {all areas} and then Lifeguard Rescues and the EAP {Emergency Action Plan}. It was all good information, and I will admit that the refresher was really helpful but... 3-8:30pm? Was that necessary? Not at all. We were done with CPR in like 2 hours, and Lifeguarding shouldn't have taken that long. The tests were a picnic, and it's gratifying to have myself recerted. I suppose I was anxious about it taking so long was because of my plans last night. I was spending some alone time- for the 1st time since he's been back- with Mike. And the first time since I last went on a date with him- 3 years ago on the 20th {Prom}. There's all sorts of lines that could be drawn on May 20th. What a great day!
It was also on this day, in 1999 that I wrote in my journal that he would end up taking me.

Funny huh?

I missed the boat and ended up being late anyways. Arriving with sopping wet hair and chlorinated skin. He didn't seem to mind, and once I got there I didn't really care either. I was just so elated to see him. Finally, by myself withOUT Jarren there prying into our personal background, and Nicole Amy letting her mouth run wild with humiliating stories about me while he's been gone. And without everyone else that seems to monopolize every conversation I've had with him since April 15th.

Brent was there for awhile, but then he took off. [[[ IN PRESSING NEWS THAT I JUST REMEMBERED BRIAN WAS GETTING HIS MISSION CALL LAST NIGHT! WHAT!!??]]] We sat and talked for a good hour and a 1/2. Mostly about his mission in LA- but I didn't even care because I find it so interesting. And when someone is really passionate about something, it's hard not to feel how they're feeling about it. By the end we were both freaking out about how awesome the gospel is, and what wonderful miracles can happen in the most random people's lives- ours included.
Also, we're planning a trip to LA in August so that he can show me where he served, let me meet converts that he baptized, etc. Should be really fun, and I'm looking forward to it.

Things finally white-washed compos mentis. It's been a little weird&eccentric with everyone else scuttlebuttin' for us. But last night it was really choice to just be with ourselves- epiloguing for ourselves. It was a lovely feeling. Nothing romantic, at least nothing that I noticed, just friendship- and that's what I've been hoping for the past 3 years.

I was so [[comfortable.]]
Hmmm.

Jarren texted me towards the end of our conversation and I had to head home. But tonight he's coming over to help me get Nicole Amy's birthday present together.
Jarren, Sarah Lynne, and Jeff came over {last night}- and the present is looking so freaking gnarly! When it's finished I'm going to post photos of it. I really hope she likes it.

What a great day yesterday was, and it feels like today will be the same.
On Sat. I want to go to the amusement park because St. Gizzy didn't work out this weekend- timeshares!! What! Next week though, for sure, because I finally booked enough in advance! Ah yeah! The entire weekend with Meggae Reggae!

Ahh!
It can't come soon enough.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

85

Nicole Amy-

* Pink & Green Jellybean
* Dan Suisse
* Lady Gaga, Emily, SLC
* Honking and Waving the OTHER way
* Cemetery pics
* The Office and Friends
* Volleyball
* Grand Canyon, Emily, Sleeping in the car
* Dancing at "the spot"
* Fondue party, cheese on the ceiling
* Visiting Brooke down in Provo


This is going to be the BEST birthday present that I've given someone- besides all the other BEST ideas I've done already. Um... it's genuis, but I can't risk writing it on this because she might peek.

Dah! I can't wait to begin!!
Ready go!!!

Monday, May 18, 2009

84

This is my happy place.
And I'll never be able to get enough.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

83

Free write:

joy happiness falling rock hike wind cave fire plastic first kiss jarren cemetery blue eyes ranch scott babies cat air breathe music sing voice record cup daisies work pitch black logan canyons river geese please story letter letter letter letter dress up young kids mission LA Australia family moving on losing off chapters beatings chair drive uneasy rest too hott sleeping bathtub water puppies yellow yellow yellow jackson past present future drip drip drip rain batter up grass Jasper posters earth waiting patience bubbles Bible blacking out unsure which way signs fork road up down black white tall short skinny fat here there anywhere everywhere nothing everything but that's something words meanings uncomfortable moments logs forrest fire bedding roses greenhouse rollercoaster memorial day weekend friday drive away text phone missing people Meggae 3am dark friendship strange static alone fear courage getting things down falling lap time bounce run ache love loss.


Currently making Memorial weekend something to be excited for. And I must say, I'm very pleased to be getting away for a bit, and of course for my parents beloved timeshare. I don't know if anyone will be accompanying me. I've mentioned it to Sarah Lynne but I can see her backing out. Nicole must work. I probably wouldn't go with Emily. Meggae will undoubtedly have plans with her family {which is ok, because I'm seeing her the NEXT weekend- ah yeah!} and Maria will have plans with Adam. But I don't care! Even if I end up going by myself there is a pool, a lake nearby, some hiking, biking {I can take my bike down}, photography opportunities and just the knowledge of having some time to myself, away from everything to get certain things sorted out.

Plus it will be HOT. And if there is anything at all to be excited for- that is one of those primary things. In the meantime I'll just endure this week of work and the expected drama, and look forward with optimism to the weekend.

Sighs.

Lately everything has felt.. imbalanced and there's no real pull leading more towards a certain path or anything. I'm signed up for school in a couple weeks, but it doesn't feel right. I thought about a mission, and now it doesn't feel really good anymore, dating doesn't feel good, moving to a different state doesn't- but staying doesn't either.

I kinda just feel like something big is coming, but I've been saying that for a long time and it still hasn't surfaced yet. And all of this is really strange because my last 1-2 1/2 year have fallen into place exactly as I wanted. It's like I made a list and went down it one at a time checking things off. Recently someone took that list, ripped it into a million pieces, crumpled everything up, doused it with gasoline, lit it on fire then put it out again before feeding it to a parasite that will eventually throw it up in someone else's bloodstream, leaving me with no plan, the ashes, and vomit.


That was really gross, but hopefully I'm making a point.
I need a break. And I just can't wait for the weekend!

:)

Saturday, May 16, 2009

82

Community service project this morning. We labored in an older lady's backyard removing 2 stumpy trees, raking out all the dead{ly} grass by her fence and pruning bushes/hedges/maple trees. We also vellicated weeds and reassembled her brick-stone walk way that had been invaded by tresses and thriving dandelions. I wanted to take photos -- it's interesting to see before and after but.. whatevs. Wasn't feeling quite THAT comfortable. Jibblies.

It was a really fluid, peaceful first blush, and it felt invigorating to be outside and active in the early a.m. hours- and not have it be because I'm obligated to go to work, but because I wanted to.

That was the favored bit. Being able to have a choice. Not that I dislike my actual job-at all- I'm extremely blessed- but... well whatever. I don't need to explain this.
They had Creamies for us, ugh- 2 thumbs down.
So after about an hour or 2 I headed home to give daddy a break of baby-sitting.

It was pretty pleasant, having a couple hours of peace and quiet to myself. Lately everything feels so loud and up in my face.

Speaking of face...
Last night Mike taught us a new game. It's almost like "Snap" but much more extreme and better-er-er-er-er. It was lively and really optimism inducing to see that he's relaxed and is much more comfortable around me. In fact...he bantered a wee bit whilst playing Scattagories {sp? I cant even be bothered to try again}. I realized something that I haven't really paid much attention to- my friends and I really like word games, and games where you get to yell alot. *sighs a very content sigh* I love it. I love them. Everything was perfect last night.
I won 2 rounds of "ExSnap" and then came in second on Scatt. Overall, one of my better nights lately. It felt good to not be on edge, or facing some kind of competition. Weather displayed {like a tornado on TV, or a thunderclapping tsunami}.... Whether like that by myself, or someone else.

Hm.

After the yard work in the sunrising hours, I had another Inservice meeting at the pool. It was our "in-water tests". We practiced rescues, reviewed rescue breathing, CPR, First Aid, and Spinals. I have a tan line already, and was only outside unprotected from the sun for about 2 hours. A lovely color. We also did something new this year. They had to swim a couple laps wearing sweats. Sweat pants and sweat shirts. Uh... I've been a competitive swimmer almost 1/2 my life and I almost died. My legs are still cramping a little- but it made me think about what I'm going to be wearing this summer. They expect a drowning. We've gone 9 years without one, and apparently that makes us over due. Most pools {according to some guy that probably made up the statistic to get a bonus on a paycheck} have 1 drowning ever 3 years.

Huh.

And now I'm home, tired and hungry waiting for my veggie burger to cook so I can head back over to Nicole's. Fire tonight up Green Canyon with Jarren, Mike, Nicole, and some other people. Sarah Lynne decided not to come, something must have happened this weekend with her family that she's wanting to recover from. Is it bad that I just don't want to chat with her about it- tonight anyways? Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad friend because I don't want to baby-sit {I realize this isn't the right wording, I'm just tired} everyone all that time. But this is how it's always been. Chelsea- the friend counselor, primary advice go-to-er, and uplifter with perspective.


I do it, because for a long time- no one did that for me.


Dah! Now I'm going all emo. I'm really hungry.

cheers!



Thursday, May 14, 2009

81

Lie.
I did not put up that "epic fail" photo yesterday.

1: because I was sssssapped.
and 2: I concluded {{after much thought}} that Matt needed to be the first person to see it. He, of all precious people {and friends} would find it gut busting. And I require that type of security. Pa...thetic. So after the photo is sent to Conneticut, it will make it's debut on Blogger.

Been fogged in a eerie frame of mind the last 2 days. Noticeable. Haven't been as gabby with Sarah Lynne, and mostly just keep to ma'self. {Chillaxin' with Kirsty a.k.a Keaton today was the exception}. There's an explanation- or rather, there's got to be right? Just don't know anymore. I'm not really make legit sentences either. Mostly sentence frag.ments.

I've been thinking about my familia. My Austrailian familia. And the longer I go without hearing from my Uncle and Aunt, the more put out I feel. Sarah Lynne's cousins are consistently getting together to do things. In fact, right now she's down in the BIG city with all her cousins at a family dinner. And the other day Heather and Ashley were over and we sat around having a grand time! Well, they had a great time talking- I just watched the love unfold. And instead of feeling really happy and content, I just felt sad and alone. It's just not that way with my relatives, as much as I desire it to be.

Some of my reasoning for traveling back to the homeland {{AustrAlia}} was to fuse some of these long sought after bonds. I spent 2 months with my Uncle, and in between time was spent being flitted about between cousins and 2nd cousins. They are either 20 years older than me, or 10 years younger then me. It's hard to be a good cousin, a good niece when there's so much time in between ages. And because I live on the other side of the globe. And since then it's felt like a fruitless effort. Only my Aunt Susan calls, and she's been doing that since we migrated to the US so it's no big thing {maybe it should be}. The change I expected, didn't happen. The bonding that I did while I was there hasn't continued. And I don't feel like my efforts changed..a single thing. It could be the difference in lifestyles. It could be the alternative religions. Maybe my effort wasn't great enough. Could I have done more? So... many questions...

Just floating thoughts, that leave an elusive edge to my mind.

-----------------------

In other news I saw Guido's parents today at the Greenhouse. I didn't have a chance to speak with them because we were busy pulling together orders. PS- today went by rapidly, which surprised me because the sun was ba-ba-beating down and there was no wind. That's a good recipe for making the day pass slowly- but it did not. It was nice to see them from afar [[his parents]]- but it got me thinking.

It's been a day of thoughts.

I miss Guido, and the adrenaline that would course through me hours after I'd finished a conversation with him. He was someone that made me not just want to be better. I WAS better with him. Continually and withOut fail. He made me feel like I could do anything. As though I had no limits, and nothing could stand in the way. He believed in me as a person. He was perfect for me. Or rather, he worked to be the one for me, as I did for him. It was succesful for a very long time, but it wasn't without effort on both our parts. The distance. The different lifestyles. It wasn't ever a big deal though, because we just CHOSE to make it work.

And then something happened. And I guess he didn't want to try anymore. So then I tried for both of us... finally he told me to let it go. And I have. But the hurt and yearning for him is still there. Just because we aren't together and in love anymore doesn't mean that I don't... still love him for being that kind of man for me.

All of this... thought- because I glimpsed his parents.
I wonder what he's doing and if he's well. I haven't spoken to him in a long while but I'm not worried about it. And I'm not hanging on for anything. I can honestly say that.. now. I couldn't for 2 years but.. it's real this time. And this burden turned out to be one of the best blessing that has EVER been disguised. Para me.

It made me think about agency. And how everything takes work and choices. And if you want to make something work- you can- if all parties are on equal footing and the same page. It's possible. And I guess that's what it's about. Finding someone that's willing to work as hard as you are. It's a great concept.

During my break I went to the dam to feed the ducks and enjoy my lunch in the brilliant sunsplotched dock. It was nice, I watched the baby geese paddling along side mama, and was impressed with how they nibbled out of that little girls hand. Nature. Sighs. While settled there Matt's face creeped into my mind and I felt concerned. In fact I started crying there, on the dock. Little kids running around tossing bread in the minature lake like a parade. A fishermen to my left, and a glossy black bull dog on my right {I've never seen a BLACK one}.

The tears began to spill. And even now I don't really understand the reason why. I thought about him and felt worried. I've always kind of had a 6th sense. It being sensitivity to human beings in general. But it's stronger with my friends. So I started to cry because the intensity of my worry increased exponentially. I schelped back to my great gray van and sat inside, head on the wheel waiting for my eyes to run dry. Then I wrote him a letter. I didn't have any paper, so I had to use this old newletter that was talking about donating blood. *Jibblies*.

I miss my best friend.
I miss my family.


And I'm sick of crying about it.
Bah Gah Dah!










Tuesday, May 12, 2009

80

Alright.

Well my uterus feels as though there are a gatrillion ninja's shanking my insides as one synchronized unit, and in perfect un/breakable consistency.
Now imagine that play, with about 8 hours of lifting, sorting, and pushing around carts stacked to the brim of heavy, just watered plant matter all over the forsaken premises. Now add 70 degree weather, an empty water bottle, and nothing but rice cakes for a snack.

I'm home now.
Which is good.
I'm alive.
Which is better.

It's over.
That's the best part, oh- and I got my first pay check today. Although it's less then I expected because they didn't add on my first 3 days of work. Also it's strange to work a job where they pay period comes every week.. instead of every 2.

Kirsty had her birthday today. We wrote her some quickly made cars and got her a cookie. It would be hard to move to a new place where you don't know anybody. So hopefully sometime this week we'll take her to dinner. Dah! Love her. <3

In other news- tomorrow I will be posting the best display of "epic failure" that I, or you will be able to, or ever could imagine in tomorrow's entry. Who could have guessed that such a phenomena could occur in my quaint, cozy little town. I didn't! But now I have some proof and what a highlight to my horrendous day it was. So until tomorrow. For now I'm simply to drained.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

79


So much to write about!
What a dawn-to-dusk.. yesterday was.
HEALTH DAYS!

Maybe it's because I'm such a dogmatist for overall health, or perhaps it's the one big commodity my hometown does a year. It could be the parade, the rides, the fair, the booths, the astonishing local food and pizazzy music! Fireworks, mingling with everyone I grew up with, recognizing old faces. The whole business is indeed enriching and invigorating. Spent the a.m. with Sarah, Michael, and Ember because my family was to busy to accompany me {Daddy was planting and tending to the garden, along with mom- and who knows where my siblings were}, and Sarah's family was unavailable as well. Ha! doing similiar things.

.. but I'm getting ahead of myself. As usual.

Yesterday morning at 10pm was my first Aquatic Inservice. To be completely bona fide I wasn't actually going to moxie. After checking balances & accounts at the bank I idled at the cloverleaf debating whether or not it would be in my best regard to attend{ oh, and while I was debating Elements Rest. called saying they wanted to give me the Server position Dah!Gah!Bah! DGB!!!}- the answer came that it was. Speeding down there {because the hour was late} I arrived just on time. Crept {creeped? crepes!} in, sat down as inconspicuously as was possible and listened to them lecture. "Everything will be different this year." Some things I concur with {like how everyone should be required to wear sunglasses and no jewlery, no shoes on the stand- these things make sense}, other things I don't agree with {like having an inservice every week is REALLY going to help us?, keeping Rover for 45 min instead of just 15 min, hiring cashiers instead of just rotating in?}

At very least it will be engaging. It was a pleasure to see Josh and Jenny again after all this time. Jenny and Loi were celebrating their 4th year anniversary of dating yesterday! Wiggity What?! Inspiring. Kaden and Greg seemed coolaxed, but the other Head Guard girlies seem like.... well. Like they don't really know what they're doing.

I'm biased because of being an employee longer than them, and yet they are Head Guards. Granted I didn't apply because I would never want to work that much over the summer. Plus it would conflict with my math courses.
The point. The inservice was good as far as letting us know how things were going to be run, but I didn't get to speak with anyone about my availability, they still hadn't set me up on the payroll, and they still aren't sure about uniforms.

Next inservice is May 16th.

Headed homebound following the meeting, changed, then Sarah Lynne came and did a drive by. Trundled to the fair. I love supporting my community! I think that's all I need to write. It's a pretty outragious event, as far as events in this neck of the woods. And speaking of woods.. I'm donating to the Smithfield Tree Commitee- because it spectacular!

Exhausted.
Because of the hectic week, and then all the frivolities at the esplanade {I was just a tatch irked by some happenings AT the fair} Traveled home to indulge in some solitary conFINEment. It was precious. And much needed.

Around 8pm Karrie threw me a text and brought up roasting mallows and Ninja Destruction {this is probably 1 of the most involved and hilarious games I've ever participated in. And it's only just become a part of my life. Oh ND, where have you been?!?!} Again, I battled against going. It's always the identical group of beings from the ward. I love the ward {don't get me wrong}, but it became monotonous and stagnet which is exactly why I left.Worried {as usual} but felt a pull to go besides. I haven't gotten out as much as I'd like.

{{{the hermitage simply isn't over yet}}}.

Went. So glad I did. Not only because ND, but she diversified! There were a whole new 6 people that I'd never met!

Also I started the fire, all by myself. I realize this comes off as braggy, but I've only ever done that about 3 times in my life. Mostly because I'm always timid to try, or there's a male there that thinks he knows best {and he probably does, but whatevs}. Created the fire. Ah yeah baby! And then I met Logan, Corey, Robbie, Kelsie, Erin, and I forget the other name.
Um. But freak! Logan was so cool! Not obnoxious and loud like everyone else was. And absolutley hilarious. It was fun. Alright. understatement, but I don't know what else to write. He left a fairly large impression on me- and I'm not referring to the good size bruise he left on my leg from playing ND. :D

I'll probably never see him again.
I'm glad that I met him though.

We played some ND {I keep mentioning it because, it has changed my life}, and then viewed a couple YouTube videos on "Coloradoing". Uh.. I don't approve, but they looked high {on drugs, and in the air} which probably means they were enjoying themselves. Oh, and if you plan on checking that out, also check out Helicopter Tubing. And then it was really funny because they all kept talking about "granola's" and were making jokes. If only they knew that there was one among them, the entire hour that they bashed on us { and when I say "us" I'm taking the heat for all granola's- jus' representin'}... bah hahaahhahah! I'll never speak a word about it. Inside jokes are better-er that way. It caused Karrie to leak tears she's was laughing to hard.

Watched the fireworks from the porch, and then around 11:45 pm I headed home. I've had this insane craving for Swedish Fish the last couple of days, and was sorely tempted to go purchase some last night and today- but I haven't! W00t!

Today was mommy's day. I hope she liked her rose plants {we gave her more money to buy 2 more bushes! I hope she doesn't buy red. Ugh!}, cards, and chocolate. Saw Max, but didn't bother talking to him. I guess I made up my mind when he started to ignore me. It kinda sucks when someone doesn't want to be friends with you. But Jarren made my day, and Jeff made a point to sit by me in church so things looked up. The lessons were all what I needed to hear and I feel refreshed and ready for another week.

It's going to be chaotic. I can feel it.

Jeff moves on Sat. This means another group date/get together needs to be planned before then. Plus the amusement park {for what it is} is open and we really want to head down.
Elements tomorrow night, and then work everyday this coming week.


Ah! Life!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

78

I can't write much now..Will later.
But it has been an incredible day, and an even better night.



Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

77

Sometimes I can't tell if my sense of humor is... mine.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

76

Behold: the protracted & pinched crosscut betwixt greenhouses. This is mostly habituated as a short cut, but it is also my belief {and others} that this is where the anchorites throng after they "lock" {because really, how much security is there when all you've got is a little hand made hook wire to secure the premises?} the gate. I know that if I were a stylite I'd definitely hang out in a greenhouse as my co-op, plus there are tomatoes, peppers, and other various eatery-thingies © in the back.

These are the other houses. There are 30 in all. And I've been in ALL of them- I've only worked there for 3-4 days! My favorites are #15 {Every pepper ever imagined has been created in the house}. #6 {Because it smells like tomatoes!} and #3A {You stroll in there, as a totally innocent pedestrian and are attacked viciously by a mass of swarming colorful Geraniums- I don't like Geraniums-at all- but I do love the colors!} -note to self- take picture of Geranium house, you've never seen anything like it- trust me}



{Right} This is Sarah Lynne. If I believed in having "best friends" she would be it. As far as I care though, all my friends ARE the best so... take that!!! And that! Bah ha! She didn't realize I was going to take a photo and had been having a pretty awful day already. Nothing to make it worse then someone setting of a flash in your eyes that blinds you for... eternity {my apologies dearest}. Maybe she was mad because Marcie took the seat I was saving specifically for her. I was mad to! *angry face* Silly Marc. Not feeling good {S}, was up late crying last night just about.. the accumulative stuff that always sardine together and the most inopportune time. We don't know whose Jeep that is {in the background}. But we hate-secretley to ourselves- that it is not eco-friendly {maybe we could say that's why she's scowling so fiercely} to bad we both absolutely ADORE the color. The glamorous burnt fry sauce color!



These are the Fuschia! *googlie eyes* And this time I have a picture that is forthright deemed legit! Dah! So tropical and full of pulsating, vibrant colours that have not yet failed to fill my nucleus with joy-so much that I get big inside! They are monsterous, and force me to ponder on tropical islands and sweet but subtle drinks sipped with a delicate baby umbrella. Sighs.


Alright. So I've figured out what I'm going to do with these babies! These are "Snow White Carpet Allysum" {and it does look like a blanket of ice crystals when you peer into that house.} When I become a bride I want to have these little flowers put into my hair in some sort of elegant, feminine, and stunning way. I can't really describe it, but just think about it and I'm sure you'll imagine the image that is inside my frontal lobes. *Concentrates*



What you all should be getting from this is that I love my job, and I thoroughly enjoy being surrounded by nature every single day. I don't think there are many people in the world that love their jobs and much as I appreciate and grow from mine. It has truly been a blessing in so many ways that I don't even know where to begin.
Maybe it was that awesome talk that I had with Saran about language.
Or maybe it's how "Ralph" is taking me under his wing as an adoptive grandchild, because my family is so far away.
Perhaps it's that I get to spend all day with someone that has the same values, goals, and ambitions as myself. It's so much easier when I feel like I'm on a team.
Maybe it's all the awesome people I'm meeting and getting to know.
Or that K-scrib is giving me more responsibilities and therefore more opportunity to gain knowledge.
It could be that I get to be outside in the sun- or rain- all day long instead of inside working at some desk job.
Maybe it's the working out, or feeling accomplished.
Or maybe it's all those things, but I'm learning so much and having a BLAST while I'm at it.


Things are definitley looking up.
Yes indeed they are!
I could hide among the flowers all day long and be perfectly content! DAh!
Bada Bing!

In other news: We're planning another group date for Saturday. MLI.


Nature=Passion

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

75

His name was Saran. {I conducted a smidge of research and discovered that it means "joy" and it's origins are rooted in Africa. Crackerjack!} The entire afternoon I kept thinking that there was some guy named Sar-AH working at the green house. So glad that's finally cleared up.
Just as a side note: I think that chewing tobacco is worse than smoking. Not in the sense of "health" per say, but just in general. No one I know wants to see someone spit brown sluggish liquid into a CLEAR container all day.

But maybe that's just the people I know.
Right.

What a jim-dandy day!

I fraternized with the Fuschia.
Attacked the Alyssum.
Married the Marigolds.
and Poached the Petunias.
I DaNcEd with the Draceona.
Twa-irled with the Twisted Arrowheads.
Harassed the Habanero's.
And grabbed the Gerbera daisies.
Overwhelmed the Osteo's.
Chastised the Crystal Palace's.

I just wanted to see how many things I could spew out. Alyssum{below, right} and Fuschia's {left} are tip top!- as far as actual flowers that people{ or other things} want to pot or dangle in baskets are concerned. Otherwise I'm satisfied with whatever blooms and creeps in the field across from my house, or up the canyon that I bike every day.

I do want to purchase some Scottish Moss {below, center} however, the stuff is heavenly. And what a vibrant colour!

{{{ These are not legitimate pictures, however tomorrow I vow to smuggle my camera into work and take some graphic pictures....}}}

In other headlining news Sarah Lynne was made fun of today about her clothes. So we decided that we should come up with some kind of "statement' if that should ever happen again. I just have "non-style" by: C, but these are what I came up with for her:

"Sizzlin' Style" by Sarah
"Slim Pickin's" by ms. Russak
"Simply Sarah" by "S"
"SnAzzy Skimp" Sarah-the Squash- Russak
"Scanty Celebrity Wear" Lyjo Kneeman {none of you will understand this}
"Sureal Slip-ons" by SLTSR {this makes me think of footies}
"Souped up Shirts and Skants!" { Skants= short pants, for those of you that are dumb. Just kidding!}
"Express-Sarah"
and my personal favorite "Skin Wear" by Sar. {it's important that you don't add the "ah" at the end of her name- much better-er and legit}

We thought for a minute that people {or other things} might hear that name and think of something skin tight or actual skin. But we then decided that anyone that hears "Skin Wear" and thinks "Skin tight, or Actual Skin" is illiterate and stupid, and we simply won't do business with them. Problem solved. A win-win-win situation. For why there are 3 wins I know not. But Michael Scott does.

I missed out on Damien's crepe party, which would have been rad-iculous. Too bad my newly found and overly appreciated job works my bag o' bones like nothin' you've ever experienced.. and gives me-willingly- flesh wounds:

That it the strangest, most uncomfortable place to get a blister- I know because I'm a victim & survivor. Oh and this is my foot.

The best-est thing about my job is that I'm outside, working out all day long. I'm getting paid to get in shape, oh and learn lots about flowers. It's the greatest thing I've ever done. *said with a grin*.

-check.

Monday, May 4, 2009

74


My entire body hates me.
Even the tiny muscles in my toes are in full unceasing revolt.
A shower hardly helped, if anything it brought out the stiffness more. I realize that in the long run it will be better but...

But if feels good to be working in the dirt every day, and biking to work is a plus as well. I really like the people and I think that Jerry is really taking to me- which is awesome because I would like to be considered a valuable member of the team. He asked me where I was from. I wanted to say Vanauato, or the Philippines. Just because I could get away from it. But the truth is interesting.

Strange text on my phone. It was Wade.
Ugh.

This week will be interesting.
Tuesday: Work 9am-6-7 pm
Lunch with Sarah Lynne somewhere in the middle
Hot tub with Maria 8ish
Wednesday: Work 9am-4:30 pm
Aquatic Center 5pm-?
Feeding the ducks w/James
Thursday: Work 9am-6-7pm
Follow up at Elements restaraunt
Volleyball
Friday: Work 9am-6-7pm
Mandatory First Aid Meeting 7:30pm-?
Saturday: Work 9am-6-7pm
Temple 6ish-7ishpm

Well at least it's busy, which is different from the past several months. It feels good to be a'workin again.


Hm.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

73

This is going to be a funny entry- but only in the irony. This evening I went to the fireside and listened to Elder Bednar speak about seeing "Things The Way They Really Are". If that wasn't my first slap in the face, maybe it was the fact that I saw Max walking across the dampened lawn to the building and he didn't even bother saving me a seat. And then I had to sit by Mike. I SCOTI'd {slightly chuckled on the inside} and how awkward the situation was for me, but not the other 2.

I'm at a loss of words as to how to approach the situation.
One of my friends status's says "If it's right, don't hesitate". I'm hesitating because I don't know what IS right, and what is what I think is right. Even if I could make that make sense, it wouldn't.


The point is he spoke about technological advances- the pros and cons. He talked about setting limits and never letting "digital dominate". It reminds of "Wall-E". How they're all up in space shooting their lazy fat butts around on 'flying carpets'. And then at the end of the movie how everything is shut off.. and the lovely pudgy couple look each other in the eyes and fall in love.
That's pretty extreme.. or not so extreme.

He gaves 2 examples of people out of I'm sure hundreds that let "digital dominate". One lady had a relationship online with a man she'd never seen before. She wrote about how she no longer had hair, or a body but that she was reduced to cyber words and virtual reality. Another was of a man who played 2nd Life { the only reason I know what that is, is because of the Office- which makes the irony thicken considerably}- he sits at his computer for 10-14 hours a day {and for who knows how many years} playing an avatar and just recently asked his cyber girlfriend to be his wife- his REAL wife wasn't impressed.

He talked about becoming desensitized and about how Satan uses to tactics to make us trip up:
Misusing our bodies, and minimizing our bodies. He hinted at extreme sports and video games, television and music and how we really do need to be aware of how consumed our lives can become in social networking, instant messaging, texting, and all other types of technology that pry us away from actualy emotional relationships and tie us instead to meaningless pursuits.

It was a lesson to be learned.
And I'm glad that I went.

The last couple days have been challenging, for reasons that I can't necessarily explain. Stake conference has been going on and every meeting I sit down I can barely contain the rage that suddenly fills me. I almost walked out yesterday morning as Elder Nelson from the 12 addressed my smallish branch. It was terrible. Came home and cried my eyes out because I have no idea what's going on anymore. I tried to analyze my day- to see if there was something that happened that perhaps the delayed anger could have come from. There was nothing.
And then nothing has been happening with Max. All of a sudden the surety that I felt the last couple weeks has ebbed away and now I just feel stupid and undesirable. He doesn't even try to let me be his friend. Something's going on there that I can't put my finger on.

I thought that the changes in my life would result in better things coming in. But the storm keeps raging and I'm trying to hard to allow myself to be calmed instead. It's hard work, and forcing myself to do things that I'm not feeling like doing is rough. But I guess that's what it comes down to- my life and the service that I want to give to the Lord sometimes results in doing things that I may just NOT want to do. And I should do it with a grateful heart.

It amazes me how never ending this journey is. How easy it can be, and then how in a blink of an eye everything can be ripped away and out from under your feet. And yet we're still supposed to ENJOY to the end. For me, it's all about rememberance, which is funny because it's the easiest thing to forget.

So I'm setting some new goals.

This week I AM going to make it to the Temple, because I've been waiting 2 years to finally go and it's time to set a date and get my behind in there.
I'm going to limit the time I spend on the internet { this will happen gradually}
I'm going to pursue meaningful things, and start looking at things the way they really are, and how they will be.
And I'm going to live my life, the way it is and where I am to the best and most productive means that I can manage.
I don't really know what that means, but I hope that with pray and guidance I'll be able to find that path and begin to progress.

"the future is only as bright as our faith"
So true.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

72

I. CAN'T. DO. THIS. ANYMORE.
It doesn't even matter.
It never has.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

12:33am

Alright. Things have calmed down a little bit. All the way really.
I always sp-sp-spazz out right before I'm on my monthlies.

I hate the irrational crying.
And the unreasonable anger. It's not like I get violent, or yell at anyone. Mostly I just sit in my room and turn my music up loud so I can't hear myself getting angry. It's still annoying though, and then I feel drained and stupid- and tired.

Sarah came over. We talked. And then watched the Sisterhood. Chocolate. Things were alright....

The launch project was canceled because of the unceasing rain that cascaded down upon CV today. I think that's what triggered my "break down". The cancelation of OTS. Irrational tears.

Completely ridiculous. Gag.

71

Employed! And a' workin!

Finally got the green house job, I don't care if it's only for about a month. I would rather work outside and make 1 penny than work at a desk job and make millions. And so the last couple of days has been spent among the flowers, and how invigorating it's been! Huspaz! Everyone is really nice, and I get to work with Sarah Lynne- so it's always rockin'. And the other employees think I'm witty! That matters for some reason. Which is why I noted it. Here.

M finally emailed me back. I sent him a kinda-sorta-mean-harsh-but-so-true-that-I-couldn't-deny-what-I-really-thought-message. I told him to stop playing this stupid game because he's better than that- and that he could start making changes by stepping outside and taking a deep breath of FRESH air, because as far as I know he's been putting legitimate hermits to shame by hiding out in his basement. I don't think that I'm trying to become responsible for him- Sarah brought this up- but he was a good friend of mine, and I'm concerned for those that I consider friends. I want them to trust me. I want what's best for them. It hurts to see them limit their potential or stump their own growth... But he's finally talking so maybe just venting will help him put things into perspective. It's all I can do.

It's raining buckets so our launch project might be put on hold. Oh and my hair is really big. I really hope it clears up by 6 pm! Time to get the ball rollin'!! I don't want to wait anymore!
We do need the moisture though...curses.

Last nights date was AWESOME. We totally tinfoil dinner'd it up! A roaring fire, chocolate berry cobbler, smores, crochet, and horrifying riddles late into the night. Not one awkward moment and no pressure what so ever. Oh, and at the end of it they both mentioned a 2nd date.
I love hanging out with Damien, because I can totally just be me. Which is actually pretty impressive since I can only think of 3 other people that I've been 100% comfortable around- that's including girls.. I never feel like I need to impress him by being clever, or funny, or smart or whatever. Because he thinks I'm those things anyways and there's never been an uncomfortable moment for us. I don't know if I'm interested in an actual relationship. He's drop dead gorgeous, Canadian {I don't know why I think that's significant, but it is}, he's into archery and even makes his own bows and arrows. He's going to school to be a doctor and he's all about volunteer work. He supports my ambitions and is always eager to get involved with whatever I'm doing. He's not afraid to joke around with me {push me around, make fun of me, compete against me, etc} and he's funny.


I'll have to think about this more. But for now it's really nice to have a good guy friend that I can mess around with like my brother- because Matt's not here and I miss him.