Thursday, March 31, 2011

513

He seriously started a fire, in the middle of the snowy trail, so I could warm up my freezing wet toes. He used his "CCK" (cheap chinese knife) to cut some dry twigs, make some shavings, then he used his empty gum packet for kindling. The snow shoes helped, but it had rained earlier so puddles and slushy snow dominated the trail. We were soaked.

The goal was to conquer my weird qualm with the dark (and it was SUPER dark). Just for the night. It worked. I can't remember a single moment where I felt afraid. Course it helped being with a real-deal-red-neck-to-the-core-survivor-man who said that I would be fine because I was with him. True too. I was totally fine.

Never made it to the 2nd gate. We both were freezing and had no idea how much further we had to go. It didn't make much sense. I wanted to get up there in a timely manner so I led and seriously pushed the pace. He didn't tell me till after he'd shed all his layers that he hadn't eaten all day, and had a sore back from babysitting. Whoops. We got far along the trail, but never made it up there. Kept trying to figure out where we were but everything looked so different in the dark. On the way down he said we should try and go Saturday afternoon. Make it up there, bring some food, have a little lunch, maybe get a fire going and bring some marshmallows. LOVE that idea.

So maybe Saturday afternoon will work out.

Finished my paper on time for ENGL.
But forgot to take my online quiz for POLS.

Vegas next week.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

512

You're not just going to get my two cents.
I'm going to whip a roll of quarters at your head.


A back booth.
Sweet tunes.
Veggie basket,
And a chilled glass of draft rootbeer.

When in need of comfort, choose an appetizer and tunes.
Let life roll on without you for a moment, and when you're ready, pay your bill and zip up your coat.




Looking up.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

511

Her Morning Elegance?
MY MORNING ELEGANCE!

510


So as I understand it:

A stupor of thought.

Not getting an answer.

And not knowing the right thing to ask.


3 separate things.

509

I talked out loud.
Said everything that I've been thinking, and everything that I've been thinking about thinking.
I explained the whole situation to myself and back again.
I tried to figure out the difference between my brain, heart and stomach- but nothing really came together.

No one reads this anymore so I think it's okay to write the more uncomfortable things down.

Everyone has their thing ya know? Their vice, struggle, problem, whatever.
Mine is finding happiness.
It's always been a struggle. I fight on a daily basis to see all the good things in my life. I wake up on empty. I have to force myself to find happiness in simply having the privilege of waking up, of having slept in a warm, big, comfortable bed, that I'm alive and can get OUT of bed. Through out the day I have to keep focused. "What's good about my life right this second?" That I have the opportunity to be up on campus learning, that I have a car that can get me to and from places. That I can run, that I have the family that I do. That there's sunshine. That I'm here.

Every day I try, but not every day do I succeed.
Lately I've been on the failing side of things.
I burst into tears on a regular basis because all I want is for having happiness to be something that comes as natural as breathing or blinking. But it isn't for me. It isn't natural. This is my struggle. This is my weakness. I get tired pretty easily. Sometimes to a point where I sleep for days on end. Sometimes I can't force myself to get out of bed. Sometimes I just can't fake it. Sometimes I don't find happiness. And sometimes it lasts for long amounts of time.

There are side effects of those long bouts of time.
I can't be as good a friend to people as I want to be.
I can't take care of myself and often time can't find it in me to respect myself.
I start to slack on callings, homework, and other productive things.


Things start to creep in.
All the things in my life that I've tried to banish from my thought process.
All the disregard.
All the inconsideration.
All the insecurities.
All the times, that for some reason, I haven't been valued enough as a person for basic respect.

Then I start to believe that I'm not deserving of it.
And then I start to just expect that.

I've been pulling myself out of that cycle for a couple months now.
Things were on the up and up but it always comes to a stand still.
I'm standing still. And it's not because I want to. I keep trying to move. But I can't.

When is my life going to start?
Am I ever going to get there?
I feel afraid all that time.
Please, some security.

Friday, March 25, 2011

508

Too legit to quit.
It's like that ya'll.

Pretty sure I blew that test out of the water.
Ace for Chelsea.
Ran into Eric, nice chat, potential lunch date in the future.

As I drove home I went back and forth about heading to the gym. Wanted to come home, sit and think for awhile but once you get into a routine it's really hard to get out of it. It's a good thing, because I DID end up going to gym because yes, I'm addicted to the runners high. I also hoped it would clear my head a little bit.

Didn't stay long. Just long enough.
Home.


I need answers.
I need guidance.
I need help.

Sat and thought. FINALLY. That's all I wanted.
Cannonaded into tears.
The same thing almost happened last night.
I was talking briefly about high school-because of a situation that brought up highschool.
There was a moment where I paused because a surge of emotion sent my eyes watering and I almost choked.

But that's a different story.


Lay on my bed and let myself cry those weird tears.
WEIRD tears.
I can't even explain what was wrong.
All I felt was that I had to be stronger, but I didn't want to be stronger on my own. That I had to make some more rules, but that I didn't want to feel like a little girl/ idiot/prude. That I had to be careful, but that being careful hasn't ever gotten me anywhere that makes me feel secure. That I need more faith and trust, but that I'm afraid of being hopeful. That I had to change, but that there would be costs that might/could alienate me. That I could trust myself, but that everything objectively sabotages or discounts that trust. That it was going to take some more time for me to get a clear answer, but that I'm impulsive, impatient, and when it builds up-entirely reckless.

There are things I've been promised if I remain valiant.
I need to allow myself to believe those promises and act accordingly.
I just want someone to help me.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

507

We were talking about Twilight just inside the doors of the TSC. He told me that if he had to choose between Edward or Jacob, he'd choose Jacob's dad because he actually has something going for him. We found out that this particular area of the building is perfect for echoes because our laughter literally ricocheted around off those walls for seconds after we actually controlled ourselves.

It was "See Everyone You Knew In Highschool" day. I must have missed the memo cause you can bet your bottom dollar I would have stayed home in bed had I known. It was okay though, none of them stayed long and we looked at each other and laughed every time one of them departed. Ironically, I also knew HIM in highschool- but it's different. I don't expect anyone to understand.

He'd kept count of everyone that walked by with headphones. I had no idea. 51. That was the count by the time we both headed our different ways. He guessed that was probably out of 240 people that had actually walked by. We also tried to figure out why there were a bunch of people ( guys and girls) with 3 stripes shaved into the side of their head. We figured it was probably for the Japan fundraiser- or a gang. My suggestion that he have that done, and then tell me how it worked out for him made him laugh pretty hard. I'll admit it, I totally wanted him to get beat up so we could joke about how funny it was later.

Some Security guy came to open up the ATM and take out the money. We figured out a way to taser the guy, lure his compadre' out of the van and then steal the van. Landon, who'd stop to chat with us at this point in the conversation asked us "What about the money?" We both said "Screw the money! We'd have the VAN!" at the same time, and all our laughter danced together in that funny little area. Lots of looks, that personally just made me laugh even harder.
I miss the old times. The times when we were both innocent. Making fun of each other, wrestling and playing around, just hanging out and talking about Harry Potter or MSG like it's normal.

We talked about the time that we stuffed him in the cage, designed for kick-boards with a sign that said "Don't Feed The Animals" on it. How he used to really piss me off during the unfortunate time when I had a crush on Bradey. Oh the days. Thank goodness they're over.

Church. We talked about church. He said that any time someone got up to give a talk and started it with the story about how they were called to speak, or a Noah and the Ark joke- it was over. More laughter.



When we went out different ways he pulled me into an embrace and said "I love you"
I didn't say it back.
But I do.
I love you too.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

506

Dying for something is heroic; in the rare case that it happens, you go down in a blaze of glory, clutching to your morals or cause. But living for something can be mundane, and therefore far more sacrificial, because seldom does anyone else notice...

505

Almost burn the house down. Check.
The microwave is still spouting out plumes of smoke, all the fans are on.
Good times.

He told me a story-or rather-used an analogy to make his point. A math formula (of all the things), something about constants and variables. But I'm turning the tables. I'm the constant. And I'm not going anywhere. Unless of course the orders are given and I'm literally dismissed.

Happy.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

504

{My biological ticker is off.}

Forcing myself to stay awake all day.
Hopefully crash later tonight-all night.

Learned how to do the "advanced fireman" the "sit and roll" and "floor sweeper".
I woke up this morning, later than usual (totally coma'd through my alarm clock), with the thought that... this can't continue to be my life. What if every day I wake up and it's this same routine over and over again. What if things never advance from where I'm at right now. What if I'm always in this bed, in the room, in this state of being.

I started to feel sick.
I've GOT to move on from here.


I wish I knew what that meant.
Or what I was supposed to do.
Or where I was supposed to go.
And why this is where I'm at right now.

Lull.
Rut.
Static.
Monotonous.
Dead.
Stand still.










I don't know what to do anymore.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

503

{Want this bedroom.}






So Vegas is still fresh on my mind. REALLY want to go back. It was so nice to get out of town, soak up some yummy sunshine, eat good food, talk to people, enjoy the scene, play with the stingrays, dance.... GOING BACK. Soon.

Jasmin is heading back sometime in August, I was hoping that she'd be there the week I went down, but she was there the week before. So I have August to look forward to. But I definitely want to head down there before the school year ends-once last hoo-rah before summer hits and the hard work begins. Maybe spend 4-5 days down there. Dance a bunch, play in the pool-maybe see the jellyfish again. Check out Freemont street because apparently we missed some pretty amazing things down that road, take more pictures, go on a couple rides. It's fairly close and the get away was amazing-totally do-able.


Talisa got her new dog. She got the poodle instead of the Chinese Crest. He's pretty cute. Kinda looks like a moving foot stand. Pretty funny when he runs. Super quiet. His name is Ninja-Batman-Allen-McMahon, so we can call him "Ninja-Bam". Um, my family is pretty freakin' awesome.


HHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh VEGAS.
come ON.

Friday, March 18, 2011

502

Been working on my Political Science paper since I woke up this morning.
At first I was gonna blow it off. I have a pretty decent grade in the class, then looked things over seriously last night-found out that it's worth 300 points.

Printed out the tables. Started my research. The whole thing is going to take a heap load of time.
I'm contrasting Azerbaijan and Tajikistan and their chances at implementing a democratic system. Why? I'm not really sure.

Half way through with all the raw facts.
Taking a break.
Wanting to see Battle: LA- gonna listen to the radio, see if I can win some movie tickets.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

501

Invincible summer is me.

500

English class 9am.


"Hey man, just tell me the answer"
"The answer to what?"


"... to whatever man."

499


Once every 100 years something amazing happens. On March 16th, 23 years ago, such an event took place. Her name? Chelsea. Yes. Me. Chelsea. The world wasn't really ready, and frankly, it will never catch up or BE ready. And neither will you. :D

It (my birthday) started out with a religious/spiritual discussion and a sketch of jellyfish. I was asked an interesting question, something along the lines of how I keep to my convictions. I gave some kind of answer. I honestly don't really remember what I said but I've been thinking about it since and it really all comes back to my name. My last name that's been passed on for generations and everything that stands for. The name my parents gave me in reference to my great great grandmother and the implications for what that actually means and lifestyle I want to uphold. And the name that I've chosen to take upon myself as a member of my faith. Yes. It's about reputation, but it's reputation in all the good senses of the world. It's expectation. All positive. But it's more than that.

I love my family. They mean more to me in the entire world. And to be a part of this clan is a privilege and a blessing. Being adopted really puts that into perspective for me. Where would I be if I wasn't placed with this family? I'm lucky. They're good people. And that's what I want to be. I never knew my great great grandmother. I saw a picture of her once and thought she looked harsh and rigid. The picture scared me. I asked mum to tell me about her one day and everything changed. She had a hard life, but never gave up on any of the positive things IN her life. Need I say more. And then my faith. There isn't a better example of a good person more so than my Savior. There are obvious reasons for wanting to be like him. Or at least trying to be.

Anyways. Just got me thinking, and it was a great way to begin this next year of my life.
I woke up and there was a package of DOTS sitting on my dresser. Hhhhh... yes yes yes. I love birthdays, but always feel a little weird about gifts. I always know that I'll get some but.. weird.
Came downstairs and daddy gave me the gift from him and mom. $$$. Right into my savings account.

Rainy weather.
Had to go to school.
But that was alright.
Zach loved my jellyfish sketch.

Game night.
Friends.
Movie.
Laughing.
Munchies.
Gifts.


-sidenote really quick- I'm watching Modern Family. The husband and wife just got in a fight. The husband called the flourist and got her a dozen roses with a card that said "Good luck staying mad honey". HILARIOUS.-


The birthday ended with a hot session with the man.
I told Joni that "He's been keeping things up his sleeve.. but then I took off his shirt, get it!!??"
I didn't really take his shirt off. But obviously thought about it. Happy Birthday to me.

Monday, March 14, 2011

498

Steven Colbert on fluorescent bulbs and the impact they'll have on blond jokes:

"How many blonds does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"I don't know because it's only been 5 years and we haven't had to change it yet."

Really need to get some tunes on this thing.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

497

video

VEGAS.

I'd been thinking about what my first time there would be like. Would I enjoy it? Understand the fuss? Feel disappointment, possibly disgust? I have no answers to any of those questions. All I do know is that it definitely changed me somehow. Meggae was the best person to go with round #1.

More later.

-----------------------
Later. 3:25pm

So we honestly are pulling onto the strip and the first thing we see is this woman. Probably 25-30 "fiddling" (as Meggae put it) up under her shirt. HUGE boobs. No bra. First memory of Vegas. After letting my eyes bug out for a second I slowly turn to Megan whose eyes are as wide as mine. We just look at each other and say nothing. BAH HA HA HAHA! Classy.


What I learned or re-learned from Vegas:

I'm a hot desert or tropical kind of girl. It really doesn't matter the humidity or terrain as long as there's lots of blue sky and sun.
I'm not a city girl. I'm a city-visiting kind of girl, but I'll never be able to live in one.
I don't experience much culture shock-I can adapt and shield appropriately.
My state has better clubs for dancing. Nevada has better clubs for hooking up.
When it comes to travel, I can wing it. When it comes to the rest of my life, I can't.
The trip was a test. And I passed it with flying colors.
There are some friendships that are timeless.
Flying to Vegas might be cheaper than driving to Vegas.
I need to step up the hot factor.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

496

Maple Grove Springs.
I took my camera but didn't remember to get any pictures. BUT I did remember a water bottle. I think last time I almost died from thirst. Saw 1 swan. 1 million wild turkeys. And Oscar made it up the treacherous muddy slope like a champ. Felt high. Best quote from that little get away came from Joni:
"It's like... GRAVITY DOESN'T EXIST!" Her eyes were bugging out of her head and her smile stretched to both her ears. BAH!

Long drive to Cedar City tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

495

My daddy just flipped off my sister and laughed about it for like a half hour.
My family is BOSS.


There are more Chinese learning English, then there are Americans learning English.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

494

I will manipulate this ceremony and fragment the events until everyone can see how their past always influences their future. Let's use extremes, shocking characters and irony to lime light the beloved cultures of this "present". An embellishment of tradition, isn't that what it all comes down to? Let's criticize the class system and abolish stratification. Instead of telling a story over a number of decades, why not more a series of flashback? That's what it all really comes down to. Flashbacks. Chain reactions.

Assuming that we all think the same turns any private ideas into commonly held beliefs that, let's face it, stick. Are YOUR curiosities quenched? Or do you know enough to not need them to be entertained?

Mostly what I've taken from life, is that daily life is most often a guise for things more personal and deep that lie underneath yours and my own painted facade. There are social faux pas other people commit we're willing to overlook because of tradition of culture, and those they'll over look for us because of those aforementioned reasons. May none of those concealed experiences drive us to commit a crime of "Emily's" passion. Don't let yourself be forced into companionship with anyone's musing but your own. If they correspond-so be it.

Change your personal dress code. And don't be played like a fool because you look like one.

Everyone has an agenda. Maybe it's time to contrast the difference between expectation and reality. Maybe you should examine the battle you're having between yourself and alter-egos, because if you wanted to make us all feel a little uncomfortable, I am submitting now that you're a success. Top notch baby. I hope the pedestal and spotlights blind those around you, because then it would be JUST you. That matters.

The dead space has been stretched.
You've got the spotlight so seeing just how far is impossible.

Perseverance and determination. Reaching higher and higher. Turning towards the one that matters because understanding is something that we all need. The way we think can't be the way others think. Individualism. Then. The dead space shrinks to almost nothing and we rise from the "ashes" and realign our own stars. Making this moment, THE moment. Patterns.

Sometimes things become so wrong that it simply can't be ignored. Mind over matter is obliterated because the matter is what matters.
The same goes if something is right and good. Ever felt larger than the life you're living? I think there's a moment where you either take that, and take flight- or the ground comes up to meet you and you stand perplexed.

Life's just a blast.
It's moving really fast.
You better stay on top.
Or life will kick you in the -.

Staying on top. That always felt the most uncomfortable and metaphorically my knees were bruised and are. Smooth "skin" over rides that discomfort and it seems the actual surface is more important then presentation or tone. Understanding that 3 minutes ago is what's making the difference. Yes, the sun is still shining outside, and yes that's the only thing that matters. THAT is the surface, and it's smooth. Elements. Just pick an element. Any one will do and can be transformed into something enlightening or destructive.

Who conquered you?
Was it YOU?

Volume hasn't changed. It's constant like the speed of light.
I analyze every second I exist.



At last, something reliable.
Something familiar.
Because does anyone really know the secret, or the combination for this life and where they keep it?