Wednesday, April 27, 2011
And I really want MYSELF to enter it also.
I'm realizing (this is something I tend to realize over and over again depending on where I am in life) that I really don't have anything to lose by putting myself out there. But I might just have everything to gain.
I haven't received a call about the summer job I was planning on.
But I feel as though something else could be in the works (and truth be told I think the ending of this summer tradition will be one that's invigorating-hoping that by not working there maybe some of the "high school" that's still left in me will leave for good-what I mean is, I still feel stuck somewhere between 18-19. I just want to be a grown up)
Thinking about buying life insurance. Been looking at a couple different options and it's just such a good idea in this economy to start at a younger age. And I may have found one that's affordable for me. Pretty exciting stuff. And that sounds very grown up-which is what I'm going for. So I have a couple resumes to drop off at different places, and hopefully some money comes rolling in from all these contest I've entered (feeling really good about my chances)
Wanting to sell my car for some money also. Which reminds me, I need to get my bike serviced for summer. And someone at school wants to buy my charcoal final from me. They even said I should make some copies- that was pretty rad-not gonna lie. Thinking about what other things I can sell-work hopefully picks up, but I can't count on a commission job.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
And then he told me he "tried really hard" to BE original.
And yeah, I agreed again.
I'm writing about it, so obviously I've been thinking about it.
For a few minutes (later) I wondered if there was anything that made me original. I spun through likes and dislikes, what gets me going, what doesn't, my belief system-the things I know, the things I question.. it was then the thought stopped.
My every thought could line up with the other 7 billion people on the planet and it wouldn't bother me ( and I really believe it). I'm the opposite of Alex. He told me he was trying to find "his people". Eccentric, really different, whatever things about him make that way-or he thinks make him that way- and that he "couldn't find them". I don't think I actively search for "my people"-probably because I'm unoriginal and as far as I can tell (when it really comes down to it) most of the people I know, fit that description perfectly, hence, I have many people. And the plus is I don't have to "try hard" to "find them".
I think that's something awesome; that me and all my unoriginal friends can have an original time together without trying so hard.
So here's to be unoriginal, it changes lives.
"Time is in neutral, but what we choose to do with it, is not"-MLK
Chiddy Bang "Old News"
There's a beat in this song that reverberates deep and through into my soul. It changes and uplifts. That good hurt. The kind you don't want to stop. Piano. Hot synthetic noise. I want to burst into tears every time it comes in.
"Sometimes I like to look into people's windows"
"That sounded a lot worse than I wanted it to"
"Smile and wave!"
I don't know how people get themselves into the situations they do, but I hope no matter where I am or what I'm doing and goodness-no matter WHO I'm with, that I'm not sitting next to someone whose losing their virginity right before my eyes. That's a little much. I don't care whose drunk and who isn't.
I took this class called "Adult Roles" in highschool. We talked about the "funnel of love". At the top you have the "infactuation stage"- the mushy gushy stage where you can't get your hands off of each other, after comes the "games playing and testing", and then... yeah I can't remember what comes next. But whatever does comes next-I'm there.
I skipped the game playing part. Try it out. It's better.
Not sure what's going to happen next.
Except that I'm moving out in just under 2 weeks! Hopefully we'll be able to get Ian's truck to move my twin bed (because I can't take my queen, it's going to hurt to leave it), and desk on over to the apartment. Everything else I'm sure I can fit in my car- and a lot of things I'm leaving behind for now. There's a little glitch in my plan, I'm pretty sure I didn't get the job at the pool-I didn't even get a call for an interview (they could be behind on getting a hold on people but I can't bank on it). So that puts a little hiccup in the throat of things. So time to start applying for more jobs. I'm still moving out.
We read a poem in English this morning called "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
It's about prolonging things that are inevitable and doing something versus doing nothing. We had an amazing discussion about how everyone has the ability to do something, but because of fear (everything goes back to fear) we choose to do nothing. And then about all the lost opportunities because of doing nothing. Several lines really struck me.
Mostly this one:
"Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?"
I really love that. The idea of forcing a moment to it's crisis. Maybe I align with it because I see that coming up in my own life.
"Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question....
..To say That is not what I meant at all
That is not it, at all"
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Woke up around 7am after a fairly restless night. At about midnight last night I was feeling so antsy I leaped out of bed and danced with my headphones in until about 1, then settled down read some scriptures ( found some amazing ones) and then, finally, was sucked into sleep.
Went for a run/walk when I woke up. Feeling out of shape and haven't found time to get into the gym recently. Maybe I'll go for another run later this afternoon-after BABY ANIMAL DAYS! It was a good walk though, pretty brisk and not a lot of cars. I love running up on the milky way it's a nice open stretch with a lot of variation in incline.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Been loving this song lately.
So the room I'd be getting is actually a private for the same price! Everything thus far as fallen gracefully into place. I have much to be grateful for.
I made a mistake a couple of days ago. Okay. I make mistakes on a daily basis but this one is always a big deal when it happens. I almost couldn't take responsibility for my mistake because I knew the consequences could be ones that could make me sad. Pretty cowardly huh? And selfish. If I hadn't done it in the first place I wouldn't have put myself in such an awful spot. I couldn't fall asleep. Kept tossing and turning. Worrying. Crying. Praying. Hoping. Then could NOT take it anymore. I had to fix it right then. So I did to the best of my ability-then slept like a baby.
The torture we put ourselves through.
The last couple of days have been MORE torture, waiting to see what could happen, if things could be resolved. I don't know, but then another miracle happened. And I can't explain how these two things are related but I know because I tried to make right the thing I did wrong, that I was blessed with a visit from the girls who teach me from the ward. It might be hard to follow that connected dotted line, but I know if I hadn't tried to fix things THAT might not have happened. Just one of those things I know. They are interrelated.
It was amazing!
I've needed my visiting teachers to come (and I've received some motivation to go see my girls because of them), and I'm glad the girls that now have me, came by for a chat. We laughed and joked and told each other about our lives. They shared a message about womanhood with me - made me very happy and excited to BE a woman (LOVE) and left a feeling of happiness and love in their wake. So much so that I had one of those special moments where the tears you're crying were ones of thankfulness.
It's a new season.
And I'm working on a new attitude.
It's so sunny outside.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Luckily I'll have a little cushion for starting out, and hopefully I get this summer job which will help me out a bunch- and the plan is to work through the summer and come up with a better game plan than Savannah's for the following school year. Trying to convince Joni to move with me.
Definitely feeling good about the change. Everyone has their time ya know? Now, it's mine and Really excited for the new season of my life to start.
"Who said, you said you're not worth it? Who said you're not perfect?"
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Alright, this is going to be a right-hrrrrrr lengthy post. Or maybe it won't. I feel like its been an eon since I've actually jotted down anything substantial. Of course the word "substantial" probably suggests that this post will also be boring. Feel free to circum.....navigate yourself.
The last couple weeks have been beclouded.
A haze of ups and down frequented (much to much) by pushes towards the periphery of my own sanity. I'm not sure what's happened. Maybe sometime during my life little roots of ridiculousness took hold and have been secretly festering for years. Only now they aren't just festering. These little darlings have come into full (fool) bloom. The result: this new personality which very much resembles Captain Jack's Sparrows. You know the one I'm talking about. No balance, slurring of speak and what's the word? Oh yes, daftness.
I'm daft now.
Before Vegas I was some what better. At least things were holding together a little better. But once in Sin City all reason and normalcy fled which left me in a couple of interesting places: laughing hysterically while sitting on pharaohs lap in front of the Luxor, laughing hysterically over real grass within the grounds of Mandalay Bay, laughing hysterically while following a mysterious car down a dark alley without really realizing it, and laughing hysterically while frequenting every restroom in sight. Laughing hysterically was.. it.
Daftness I tell you. And it's sticking.
I can't remember what I did this last week.
I know school was in there somewhere.
My brain won't stay in my head.
I did my taxes last night with Daddy.
Oscar's up and running again.
Daddy took my car for a drive to see the way it runs now- he hated the music I had in my car.
It brought me back to Institute and how there should probably be some changes in that area.
I've been exhausted for the last couple of weeks. Been falling into a comma sleep every night, and naps whenever I can get them, yet have been waking up super early each morning. I don't really know what that is. I suppose it could be fatigue, or maybe I'm not working out enough, or maybe I'm starting to get sick. I don't really care, all it really means is that I've been working on my story a bunch,, avoiding things that have anything to do with school, watching lots of movies and spending more time than usual thinking. Or just thinking about thinking, because nothing's really coming into clear focus.
Bought a new perfume.
He loved it.
I think I'm supposed to play the waiting game.That's what this all keeps coming back to. Is that there's nothing I can do except be patient.That's hard when you're like me, and you know what you want all the time.Last night I had a crazy dream involving myself (lots of myself), a continental breakfast at the Mirage, and a gang. I've heard stranger things.
An intense note writing session throughout sacrament meeting today.
Made me very sad for the situation, but very happy for my own.
It rained a little.
And I've gained 5 lbs.
I know it's not a big deal.
I know it IS a big deal.
Rode on the back of Nate's bullet bike Friday afternoon.
Smiled wide the entire time.
Obsessing over pool and wanting to tables to turn for a little while.
And that won't change, with the exception of one "unless", which I know will never happen.
It's Sunday today.
And it's been a pretty interesting day.
I'm ready for a different day.
Friday, April 15, 2011
“meadows stretched and liquefied
and poured into the ocean,
whose waves formed winged beasts that leapt
and fluttered into motion.
colours grew out of the ground
and spread into the sky
a watercolour world with rainbows
fifty stories high
great rocks rose to meet the stars
wishing a better view
the highest peaks were dusted white
each day, pristine and new
for everything a perfect place
a den, a hut, a hive
soon every thing the eye could see
came suddenly alive
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tomorrow at 1:30pm the stress of this paper will be over, no matter how good or bad I do on it.
Then 2 more papers to go. One blasted presentation-then sweet mother loving finals.
2 job applications.
This will be awesome.
One more page Chels.. one more page.
All I want to do is bury myself in the mundane routine of my life so I don't have time to screw up. So that I don't have time to get into trouble. Goodbye facebook. Goodbye phone. Time to find some solid vacant ground to sit awhile.
I don't know why I keep thinking I'm different.
I'm not. Dear God, I'm so sorry I'm not.
I've kind of become a bottle for a lot of people's angst.
Crying and driving isn't a good combination.
I want my heart to be one with His.
I haven't been receiving guidance. There hasn't been a clear answer for so long.
Nothing has felt crystal clear in awhile. Everything is murky. Nothing is making any sense.
I'm afraid all the time. I feel like I can't move. I'm in the dark.
Today Bro. Jacobs saved my life. Again. Every class period I feel as though my situation has been "saved". Not matter what it is. Big or small.
"If you're not getting answers, if you can't hear a response to your earnest prayers-put it on the back burner. Don't let it effect your faith. Remember you have more answers than most of the world population. You are blessed."
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I put a band-aid on it, I'm hoping that somehow that will help with the dryness. Something about locking in moisture seems legit, assuming there's moisture to begin with.
My right eye is dry, this happens sometimes. But I'm wearing shorts and flip flops and am heading toward the sun. This happens sometimes also.
I have yet to hear back on what exactly I'm supposed to do in the following weeks.
But I think by the end of this trip I'll have a little more direction and speed.
And courage. I hope.
Hoping for "okayness".
Not sure what happened last night.
Went to bed reasonably early. (considering the last couple of nights)
Woke up, soaked in a cold sweat.
The steamy shower felt good, and the hot breakfast I devoured but I still don't really know what that's all about.
I keep looking for someone to talk to. That's here.
It keeps coming back to this theme of me somehow being "untouchable".
Like I live in some happy joyful bubble of perfection-sometimes I do.
Sometimes, when I want to feel more real, I want to tell someone about something awful I've done. Not to shock or thrill, but sometimes you just NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT.
"I don't think I want to hear about that"
Normal response I suppose.
But I put enough pressure on myself, I don't really need it from anyone else.
So I guess that's another goal.
Finding someone to talk to.
"You've got me up against the wall, you keep pushing me back"
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Dex, while dousing the ribs in sauce, with a brush resembling the duster from "Beauty and the Beast": "I think we should pray."
N.T.S. -start taking camera everywhere again.