Friday, February 27, 2009


Last night I went to her house. We listened to music and waited for the game to end. Then everyone came over. It was alright, I'd never really seen or talked to any of them. It was good to reaccquaint myself with everyone. Somewhat.

(M) called me last night.
The crazy French Black guy. He still hasn't gotten over me. It's been over a year since I last saw him. I haven't missed him, I didn't find myself attracted to him, I don't like him at all. I told him I could see him on Monday and I'm just going to have to lay it out for him.

In other news I think I'm going to Prom Night 82', only because I almost cried last night over (D). I'm just interested. I just like him. I just the dating experience. I hope he writes back today because I MISS him.

I'm going up to the city this afternoon with (N) to visit (E) for the weekend. I think she still may be mad at me, but I'm excited regardless. (S) skipped out as was expected and the sun is shining!!!

This weekend should be interesting at very least.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I cleaned the house today.
Mom asked me to.
It kept me busy and for that I was grateful.
She always brought me home a couple of new shirts which was quite thoughtful.

I went snow shoeing earlier this afternoon.
It was beautiful and my best friend (Tahoe) in his little booties and dog sweater had a great time. He's beautiful. The sun was amazing, the snow was nice, the work out even better. I didn't go as far as I would have liked because I was alone and didn't want to.. risk anything I guess.

As soon as we were back in the car it started to hail.

*There goes mom again talking about calories*

It started to hail. I just sat there for a minute and enjoyed the sound of ice hitting the tin roof. It was delightful. I don't think Tahoe enjoyed it very much though. I think that car ride made him a bit queasy- it would make sense considering that the ride up the canyon is a pretty windy one. He loved the run though.

I didn't take my camera.
I should have.
Next time.

I wish my cell phone rang more.
Or sounded that message tone more often.

I still don't have a job.
I need one.

I'm so mediocre.
(E) has been acting strange. She invited me down to the city for the weekend with the girls. It would be fun to hang out with just the 4 of us. Like old times. I don't want her asking me to come down just because she feels guilty about bailing this last weekend though.

I hope Jeff calls with a date so that I'll have SOME kind of excuse. I'm not putting any stock in THAT though. Nothing like that ever works out for me. And I'm not going to "make things happen" by acting desperate. I'm tired of that. And if that means no more hanging out for then so be it. At least the truth will come out right?

I missed Obama's speech tonight. And I'm actually REALLY disappointed.
Oh well, I'm sure that I can watch it on some other website- but I was looking forward to the Live version. Don't really know why.

My stomach is slowly toning. I hope that (M) is keeping to the diet as well. She wants to change so much. I hope she gets it, but I also hope that she's being healthy about it.

I need to get out of here but I really don't have any place to go. And I just.. want HOME to be where I can go when I feel like I need to get out "here". That's obviously not the case though. Not the case at all. I wish I had my own computer. A faster one. So I could watch the episodes of GossipGirl in peace and quiet. Without someone breathing down my neck about how risque it is.
Cause I honestly just don't care.

It's almost time to work out.
I wish it would come quicker- then I could have some time to think.
By myself.

I'm static.

I'm static.
I don't think he's going to ask me out.
Surprise surprise.

Such a small town.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


Germans first came up with the flame thrower!

Today has been a pretty interesting day.
Mom basically told me that I was fat and ugly.
Not with those words exactly but the that's the gist of it. I bolted to the gym and worked out probably to hard.

I hate that she said that.
I hate it.

The sunshine has been glorious.
I watched Gossip Girls, the entire first disk.

I want to buy a tie.
And a plaid skirt with a vest.

I got a letter today from a friend in Idaho.
It was good to hear from her and I was so grateful for the letter after my mom and her big mouth opened up and barfed all over me.

I can hear my dog yelping... back in a flash..

He always locks himself in the laundry room. I wonder if he'll ever learn.

The letter was great and I wrote her a nice long one back.
Things have calmed down.
I'm feeling calmer.
When I first started this thing I had tons to let out and slowly things are beginning to simmer down again. It feels good and I think that it was a good choice to get this as an outlet that no one really knows about.
I cried because of what mom said.
I think I've cried three times this week, all in a row.

I don't care.


I love Jane Austen
I think the way that they spell things in the UK and Australia are better than in America.
Rumor- rumour.

I just think it's better, but I never spell that way because I always have to explain that I'm not an idiot, but that I'm Australian/American.
I have an amazing voice.
So eat it!
I fall in and out of love like it's going out of style.
I like red, not because it's a power color, but because I think it's sexy!
The primary things I notice about people the first time I meet them is 1- their eyes ( I have yet to see an unattractive pair of eyes) 2- their voice 3-humor/mouth (lips, teeth, dimples?)
Secondary things include fore arms and back.

I live for fun facts. In fact I try and learn a new one every day. I haven't for the past couple of days but writing about it will surely kick start that back into life.
I don't miss that he doesn't call or text me at 7:00pm MY time anymore. I think it's for the best.

I am NOT a clutz.
However I AM a spaz.

I CANNOT for the LIFE of me remember dates, what day it is, when I saw that person last, etc, etc. BUT I CAN remember word for word certain conversation, faces, clothing, what color jewelry they were wearing, WHERE we were at, etc. Is there a name for that? I'll have to look that up.

I hate the song Super Trooper.
That felt good to write down.

I will ONLY drink Skim Milk. Because I think that 2% is fatty.
I also enjoy an occasional glass of HempMilk. For the after taste.

I am terrified of the dark, but can only sleep if it's pitch black.
I am also terrified of people, but that doesn't stop me from being a people person.

I LOVE texting.
But not more than I love talking.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


The eliptical kicked my trash today.
I had to close my eyes for the last 10 min. to help push myself all the way to the end.
I was drenched with sweet smelling sweat. My hair was frizzy, my skin warm and moist.
My heart was pumping it's steady beat and my muscles contracted repeatedly.

Oxygen flowing in and out regenerating my blood cells.
That's how I feel.


I'm starting to get protective. It's true. I told you how it was because I wanted to make sure that YOU knew where I stood.
Why I'm doing this I have no idea. I have no claim on him. He didn't want ME. There. It's out. He broke up with me not the other way around. He DID however say that he was falling in love with me and that's why. The mission. It's always the mission. Which is alright, it's just come inconvienently every time. His letters basically spell out that he won't be interested when he comes back. It won't matter what I do. I can try and slim down, and spiritually prepare myself.. .but..

I'm just trying not to get my hopes up, or have any expectations at all. Even being friends is quite questionable.

I believe pineapple is good in, and with everything.
However I only REALLY like pineapple from Thailand the "land of smiles".

It's a secret. But I'm starting to like the smell of meat. Beef in particular.
WHAT THE? I'm afraid of myself for even writing that. It won't matter though. I'll keep on being a vegetarian because I have been so long. Why change anything now?

I confessed everything to my bishop.
He still thinks that I can go for a recommend because I KNOW that I've made mistakes.
He told me not to be to hard on myself. He knows that I am. And of course I will be on this.
But today I feel good. I feel, light and happy.

I never paid that $700.
I said I did, but I didn't.
I will.
I am.

I'm taking a blind leap of faith that one of these jobs will call me up and get me on the payroll. I'm not sure what I'll do if they don't. I may have to settle for a call job, and maybe.. heaven forbid a convenient store.
I AM going to do summer math courses, and I WILL be going back to school in August.

You told me that (M) is moving out and that I could take her contract.
Well.. you're going to Arizona. And I wanted to move out WITH YOU.

I have $22 to my name.
I act like I have more.
I don't.

I need to hand things over to God.

In other news, I just found the most reliable news source in America.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009



Now that's a story itself.
And one that probably ended a long time ago.

I can't help but wonder.
That's all though.
Just wonder.

I can't have any expectations. And I don't want to build any up in the next 2 months.


Friday, February 13, 2009

The prologue

THIS is only the beginning....