Monday, August 31, 2009


Woke up at 7:30 am to work on my math homework with Daddy. I seriously don't know what I would do without the father that I've been given. Truly, I have been blessed. So we worked on it and then I finished up about 3 more assignments that I'll have to turn in next week. I feel calm and ok with everything because I'm ahead.

Just the quizzes to stress over. And I don't know. I'm not going for an "A". Just a pass, so everyone cross your fingers for me.
After that I went and worked out for a good hour and 1/2. The eliptical wasn't as tough as it usually was, which was surprising because it's a Monday and I didn't work out on Saturday or Sunday. Maybe I'm getting even more stronger-er. Awesome.

Then I came home, showered and shaved my legs did some more Math homework and studied the rest of my Cultural Anthropology Chpt while watching the Office.
Did laundry in the middle of all that, cleaned up my room, made my bed and got signed up for Institute class.

Institute was awesome, except I got there late because the later on in the day it gets the more unreliable the busing system becomes. So I had to walk in 10 minutes late in front of the classroom and uncomfortably saunter over to my desk at the side. It was a good lesson though, although I'm kinda skeptical about the instructor. I've never had much luck with that, ah well. The girl I sat next to was super nice... and THEN.. in Cultural Anth. I got to sit next to the TA- who is super attractive, a cowboy, a Graduate Anth. and smelled delicious.

Plus he got a kick out of my color coded notes complete with pictures, stickers, and marker drawings. And then when I got embarrassed he said "hey, all it means is that you've got it together. You're organized, and probably brilliant".

He has a great smile.
The lecture was good, but had nothing really to do with.. anything. She just wanted to talk about her research.. which as much fun as talking about Shamaan "healers" probably could be.. it has nothing to do with anything we're doing in the class. It's just her research.

So it was a little boring, and I struggled to stay awake.

Now I'm home and have to figure out if I work or not, because.. I'm not driving 20 minutes only to turn around and come back if there's no reservation.

I have a headache, my stomache hurts a little and I have a bump in my armpit.

What does this MEAN?

Sunday, August 30, 2009


Alright. Deep breath. Stretch fingers. Crack back. Update.
Uni's back in, and my head is ***blowing till kingdom come*** from the intensity of "shock-awesome".

Dag. I don't know even know where to begin this scatterbrained detraction.. Bear with me, if you read this.

Um. Can we say slaughter me? It's not that my 1st course (Cultural Anthropology) was dreadful ( because it was anything BUT), it's just that I ran into the 2 people that I least want to see -ever- in the whole wide world (www). And especially up at school my first semester back after having an inspiring time for an entire freaking year. It wasn't a good omen, and it actually made me sick. [[Literally]]. I ran into Dave first off, who somehow never fails to make me swoon and lose my breath. I don't know what it is about him. No one else does either. Because he's not only wrong for me... he's wrong for in EVERY way. But we had a nice little convo. about how our lives have past and fanned out this last 365. It left me weak at the knees, and flushed in the face-- I stumbled off in the direction of the BookStore to purchase the rest of the literature. While in there I saw Manny. My stomach plummetted, I started to get frantic and panicky and found myself out in the hallway (without my books) basically power walking like an angry mother up the jam.packed corridor.
That's when I heard my name being called (screamed), I picked up the pace but I kept hearing it being shouted. Then I felt a foreboding tap on my shoulder, I barely glanced up to see that it was horrifyingly him and made a sharp turn up a different sidewalk. I honestly don't know what he said, I heard him shrieking something at me the for a good couple more second before he either finally stopped or I charged out of hearing range.

Later I found myself in the women's room at Old Main Hill crying, trying to get a hold of myself. Wasn't it obvious when I DIDN'T turned around that I didn't want to speak with him? And how embarrassing to have him shouting who knows what at me on my first day. He tries that again and I swear I'll kick him where it hurts. Twice.

Other than that, my day was perfect. Ha! Perfect. My Cultural Anthropology course is fantastic. I never knew exactly how much it actually entailed but I can tell already that I'm going to learn alot, and thank goodness I'm interested. -->Some other interesting tidbits? I know about 5 people in the class, the TA is good looking, and my Professors name is Glass-Coffin. Yes. I spelled that right. She wouldn't tell us the origins, but she will later on in the semester.
(for those you that click on the link above, and read this amazing article... can you guess what culture this guy is talking about?)

So. awesome.

Later that night we had a Foam Dance Party up on the Quad. It was alright, it had so much potential but it was nothing to get REALLY excited about. Just a bunch of college kids crowding the speakers, not really dancing, or if they are "dancing" it was more like having sex with clothes on. Honestly. Is grinding really that fun? And if it is, wouldn't it be MORE fun to do that at home, without anyone else around to stare at you, your own music, etc?
I don't know. I guess I just don't see the merit. But it was nice to dance and get some of the stress out of my system. All in all, a pretty good day.

Up at 730 am for English. I thought it was going to be killer, but to be honest.. the only difficult thing about waking up that early.. was being up that early and trying to walk up 5 flights of stairs ( because I'm too stubborn to take the elevator). I met a kid Jeff whose going to be my study partner, and he's cute and enthusiastic so that's nice. My professor is a sweet heart and this class is going to be bird course ( meaning that I'll fly right through it.)

After a 6 hour break in which I purchased and returned books I didn't need, worked out, and ran home to take a shower it was time for my Natural Disaster class.
Hold on to your hats because this is by far my favorite class. Ever. At least thus far. What would you expect in a natural disasters class right? You're classic information about how things like Tsunami's, Hurricanes, Volcanoes, and Heat Waves form, and maybe global impacts yes? NO. WRONG. It's about how POPULATION growth is the NEXT Natural Disaster.
Such a great concept, and one that I am intensley interested in. The plus? I get to make my own [[Disaster Emergency Action Kit]], I met 6 people that really want to get together and study, Chad is in the class, my professor is super enthused about her job, and the classroom has the most comfortable chair and desks that I've had my entire college career. So rock on!

Next. Math. I knew it was going to suck, and maybe it WAS self fulfilling prophecy.. but yeah. It sucks. But my professor seems available to help whenever, I met a nice girl Eve whose a whiz at math and is going to help me out. Plus Michael Murray is constantly in that building so whenever I need him, he's just a couple yards away. Good thing daddy is good at math though, and since we got all the assignments right up front I've already worked my way through 3/4 of the semesters material so I only have to worry about quizzes and the final exam.

The chairs suck in that classroom.

Later that night it was Bingo Night. I couldn't go because I worked the Reservation. But one of my friends won a $3000 Starving Student Gift Card. ( I totally should have been up there, even though I am definitely not starving.)

Same class as Monday. .

Same classes, met a girl that knew Becca Allred up on campus, chatted it up with the bus driver because he was attractive, and met a couple other girls that are going into FCHD which is pretty cool I guess. Had a couple quizzes, turned in my Math homework, caught up with reading and signed up for an Institute class. Oh yeah. And I had my biology lab!!! We played with termites then whole hour and my lab partner is awesome! She reminds me of my sister Jasmin and is gorgeous. Plus I met Nate whose this super hot black man whose going into Excersize Science. And he helped me with the Math homework I had.
My TA is pretty cool to. He's into crustaceans, and has been studying them for a good 5 years now. Wild!

Class. Fantastic. I got ahead on all my reading in the morning and then went to lunch with Jarren and Nicole around noon. Worst lunch date ever. Mostly because instead of including me in the conversation they mostly just talked to each other. I got the impression that the only reason Nicole really invited me along was so that she wouldn't alone with him, maybe because Clayton said something to her. So I sat there and munched my awesome mushroom salad, texted Scott on my phone because that's what I do when I'm uncomfortable ( and he helped me get through it by making me laugh and sending me jokes) and got out of there ASAP. I later went over to check out her new apartment.. which is pretty sweet except she's rooming with a bunch of freshman... which I personally would think awkward. And it was awkward when Nicole stripped down to her undies and naired her legs. It wasn't just that. But Clayton ended up coming and she invited him up. [???]
I'm not going to lie. I felt super uncomfortable and actually kinda grossed out when she lept onto him in only her underwear with her poor freshman roomates out in the hall and a couple of freshman guys to.
I dont know. I thought it was inappropriate ( mostly because I was there, whatever they do when no one else is around is their own business) so I left shortly after. We haven't talked since.
And actually since that incident I've really started thinking about things, and maybe it was just because it was weird day.. but I honestly don't have much to talk to her about anymore. She's not really interested in what's going on in my life, as much as she wants me to comment on all the happenings in hers. It's fine. I'm here to listen, but it feels onesided.. and how long will that last right?

It's nothing I need to worry about now.
Anyways. Later I went to the 80's/Institute dance. Signed up for IWA and met a guy named Jeff who challenged me a couple of times on the blow up obstacle course. I won at blow up twister and danced the rest of the night away. I also met Zach, who I'm not interested in at all but for some reason he THINKS I am. So I had an annoying cling on who kept trying to make me laugh, dance up close, and get me alone. I was crafty and got away though.

Worked 9 to 5 ( uneventful ) then went to a pig roasting for back to school at my Tongan family's house.

It was really nice to see Ray again, plus we have a date set up which is really terrific. I met a guy from Guatemala which is awesome cause I've been there, and he knew some of the people that I worked with while I was down there. I got to see my little sisters Susanna, and Emerilis, and I got to hold Vinni's new baby boy Isaiah!!! And I must say that brown babies are adorable. So are white babies.. but I think it's just because if I do have kids.. and that they will be brown, that I just can't stand it. He was adorable and I got him to smile for me. I almost met John who was really tall, and super talkative so it was a good social evening and I felt at home after long stressful week of classes ( in a good way)

Later I went on a walk with Sarah, rented Catch Me If You Can and fell asleep during the opening credits.

And today was Sunday. And I dont know if it was because I was just super tired, but the whole session felt like days instead of 3 small hours, and when I got home I promptly fell asleep again.

Another week ahead of me, and hopefully I can find some time to stay updated throughout the week because doing this.. right now... just about killed me!

Just a couple more things: I've lost another 5 lbs. And people have been commenting so now I know it's noticeable. I've kept up an incredible schedule and my eating habits are revolving I'm taking an advanced yoga class and I'm trying out this new body sculpting class on Tuesday.

I've made a lot of friends this week. And I haven't changed anything about myself- except smiling. I've been really trying implement this into my life, and the results have been overwhelming. It's not that I didn't ever smile before, but I didn't all the time like I am now.. and I've made more friends this week then I have in a really long time.

It's all about the smile kids :D

Friday, August 28, 2009


Because I can't blog properly until Sunday and I don't want to forget anything.. I'm making a list of things that I NEED to comment on.

1. The body rituals of the Nacirema
2. Foam Dance Party
3. 80's/ Institute Party.
4. Lunch with Jarren.
5. Scott's texts
6. Seeing Manny, AND Dave up on campus day 1
7. Week 1 of college
8. Weight Loss
9. the NEWest Natural Disaster to face planet Earth
10. And the attitude adjustment/miracles/friends making/friends losing/awesomeness.
11. And the pig roasting!

Now for sleep.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


I feel young.
And not in a good way.

Up the dosage.

Monday, August 24, 2009


First day of school.
One class.
Not until 230 pm.
Cultural Anthropology.


Last night we had the end all of thunderstorms. It woke me from my silent slumber, literally rattled my windows, and caused my canines to quake with fear. The rain was overwhelming, and had I not been exhausted I'm sure I would have enjoyed it more. As it was, I hadn't been feeling well all day, and was looking forward to a good nights sleep even though there was nothing to wake up for this morning.

.. and that's not to say that I was woken up. 3 times. By varying members of my family. I'm 21. I know my schedule. I have an alarm on my phone. And besides all of that the sign that I've kept up since I've been home has been instructing NOT to wake me up because I can take care of myself.
(1)"Don't you have class today?"
(2)"Hey what time is your first class?"
(3)"You've got school today, don't forget!"

Um yeah. I know that better then you do. And it's not till "2 effing 30" so get the "h" out of my room. It's been years since I've needed anyone to wake me up for.. anything. So why would that all of a sudden change now? Ew. I hate living here. Unless I'm in my room where no one can bug me. So I'm kinda cranky. Because of the lack of sleep. And the annoyance of my family.

I can't wait to go to school. It'll keep me busier. I'm excited about meeting new people and actually doing something instead of straight working. And then I have work tonight so it's going to get hectic here pretty quick. And I'm stoked. ( I hate that word )
It's cold. And gray. Sweats weather.

I'm ready for the adventure.
So bring it.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


Last night I went and saw "Julie&Julia". And loved it. There were a lot of reasons. (1) Meryl Streep is BOSS as far as actressES in the cosmos, (2) France rubbernecked quaint, enchanting, and souped up (pun!) better than I imagined, and (3)everything that Julie tried to accomplished ( and everything Julia Child DID accomplish) left me feeling inspired. And discouraged. Because even though it was just this girl-women, working her way through a french cookbook... it placed my theories about life back into perspective for me.

Lately I've been feeling off.
Like I'm undershooting on something prodigious because of my "dot on the line"-in life. ( This is subjective). And I don't know if it's vaineglory, or amour-propre' [pride]--> these are basically the same bah!, or maybe it's depression slowly kicking back in with {[tension]} on the horizon, but lately... I just feel like because of who I am, and everything that makes up me: My family, my race, my "place" in the apple, my friends, personality, humor, religion, intellect (if I've got any) and just my tendencies, follies, strengths... whatever.... To me.. it seems like I'm supposed to do something extraordinary. There. I said it.

I think I'm supposed to do something extraordinary.
LOUD enough?

But I just don't see or feel that coming. I'm here in a.. .a little po-dunk town ( though things could be exponentially worse. Trust ME.), returning to academics after a year of self discovery which taught me much.. but also showed me just how much I still D.O.N.T. know about myself, I have like.. 1 friend that I hang out with consistently. Regularly. predictably ( and just to make things clear I adore her 100%. She's CHOICE.), I haven't moved out - for real anyways, I work at a mediocre job making mediocre pay, no significant other ( unless you count my canines)......

Ordinary. Completley. Incredibly. unDoubtedly. o.r.d.i.n.a.r.y.
Instead of Extraord

So I've been reasoning.. about.. my life (subjective subjective subjective). The path I'm on - or off. The things I do- and don't. The habits I've formed-lost, the changes that could me made to maybe cater to my thinking maybe my mission is life actually really is important instead of.. feeling.. well, {{{{ordinary}}}}.

I could step things up a notch. Like being more social. Even if that means being uncomfortable. Really going for something academically that could make me happy. Accomplished, even if that means retaking and retaking classes, getting a tutor, or staying in school lo0nnngerrr than your average "jo". I'm making changes physically so I feel calm about that. But maybe it's time to do something SUPER uncomfortable to jossle things up and make life interesting again.

It wouldn't be something crazy like.. joining the army, moving to Nepal with no plan in mind, or changing my name to Gertrude Vesplessan. At least I don't think...

I just think I'm ready for a new set of challenges that are..oh I don't know.. NEW.. &/0r different. Because it seems like that same ones just keep getting recirculated. Over and over. Over and over. And I'm tired. And sick. Of it. Yes. Of IT.

I'm sure there are those that are wondering that the "h" this has to do with "Julie&Julia"??{?????}. Well, it's all about making goals. No matter what they are. And freaking following through with them because that's something that everyone feels good about. So what if it was this silly 30 yr old woman trying to find some kind of identity?.. and she found it in a cookbook? In Julia Child. That's more than I can say for myself. Frankly. Sadly. Embarrassingly.

So I'm going to make a goal. And I don't care if it sounds stupid, or pointless, or impossible, or confusing. I'm just going to do it. And accomplish it. Because I'd really like to say that I accomplished something that was important to me. no matter how lame or small it is to a relative audience....

Spoiler alert! I have no idea what this goal is going to be. Maybe it'll be finally working up the courage to strike up a conversation with Mike from the pool. Or cutting my hair ( I know this sounds like.. what? But I've had the same hairstyle since I was 8. Shut it.). Maybe it'll mean asking questions in class or really.. finally.... asking for help when I need it ( in school). It could mean buying myself a fish and keeping it alive for more than a month ( because I still haven't done this). It might be trying something that's really scary for me.. public speaking. public singing... public.. anything.

I'm just excited to figure out what I'm going to do. Because I AM ready to DO something that makes me feel uncomfortable? sure... but... awesome because I was brave enough to try something different then what I always do.

And that's what Julie. AND Julia taught me last night.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


Just in case my list of reasoning wasn't enough, the way that you just reacted..was.


Alright. Now that I have some time for explaining... Here goes.

I've never been the TTT {tantrum throwing type}. I didn't shriek or squeal as a child. I never stomped up stairs or threw things. Never stamped my feet or pounded my fists. ( I did however slam doors until I was 9 ). So I guess I just don't relate or understand the type of people that do. For instance my 18 year old sister, but on a more pressing and relevant matter: Manny.

At 25 (almost 26) years old you'd think that a person would have grown out of that. Right? Apparently not, since 2 days ago he threw the biggest fit I've ever seen ANYONE throw before. I don't really know whose to blame. And like I've mentioned before it's never really about blame for me. Ever. Its all about [[ reason ]]. I'd been feeling strange about the whole thing ( for a long while actually), and some of the ideas he had about life were very peculiar. Not bad, just not really my style and I started seeing problems in the relationship ( oh there were lots of problems ). So finally after much thinking and debating, compromising, and attempts at adapting it was time to end things.

For good.

If you want a list of reasons they are in a previous blog entry, and the list since I wrote that had about doubled in size. Added to the list were such things as: lying that he was LDS, which means that he was also lying about serving a mission in Belgium, oh.. and the sleeping around. So I gave him the news that I was no longer interested in getting to know him or continueing out relationsip, that I knew he would find someone that could make him really happy, and that I was excited for him to find that person. Wished him every happiness, and told him to take care.

And then he exploded!! In a way that I've only ever seen or heard about on the internet and TV.
I can't count how many texts he sent me saying that black women are evil ( I'm still baffled by this.. did he really just text me that?) That his friends had been right about me. That I hadn't had the courage to tell him to stop flirting 2 years ago ( keep in mind that I avoided him consistently for 2 years because he was a creeper). That he was never going to date a black woman again. ( why would I care?) and that any white girl was better than me ( aight ). He called me mean, rude, sarcastic, a player, said I lead him on, that I was ugly and fat, and that I was going to have a very miserable life.. and he hoped that I did.

Oh. And that he hoped I cried about him and that he regrets having absolutely anything to do with me. And all of this was texted in broken English. Not that it really matters, but it just seems significant to me. Or funny. Somehow ironic.

There was a break in his tasteless rant and I simply told him that I was sorry he felt that way, that it was never my intent to lead him on, and that I hadn't encouraged him he'd done that all on his own, and that I thought it was best that he didn't contact me ever again to make things "simple" and then let him know that I hoped he had a great life and wished him success in everything he attempts to do with his life.

That started another rant about....something. I didn't read the 15 texts he sent after that. Instead I just deleted them, then blocked his number from my phone. He tried calling and I told him I'd call the cops if he attempted to get in contact with me again. Which is funny because he had a restraining order put on him 2 years ago when he was stalking me around campus.

And then I hung up on him.
And then I laughed.

I called Sarah Lynne to give her the news and then we laughed together.

Just in case my list of reasoning wasn't enough, the way that he just reacted..was.

I worried about how I would feel after pulling the reigns on the whole parade. I wondered if I would feel sad, or like I'd made the wrong choice. And what a reli
ef it was that he DID react that way because it confirmed my feelings more so then anything else had thus far.

So thanks Manny. Thanks for being an inconsiderate clod. I have no regrets, and that's all I've asked out of life since I realized that was an option.

So things are going really good. It's like the air around me suddenly just became less toxic and I haven't smiled this much in a really long time. It's so interesting how sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith and do something hard. And it sucks when it has the potential to hurt someone else. But I know that because I made that choice in the right way that I'll find what I'm looking for. Eventually. And that's fine. I'd rather wait then feel pushed into something because of silly fears or expectations laid out by everyone else.

So there's nothing on my horizon except for everything, which had made me feel pretty fearless. And what a great feeling it is. School starts soon so I'll be back in the busy, I've got my books so I've already started working on the material, the Office Season 5 comes out in a couple weeks, I have another hefty pay check coming my way so I can buy 2 more tires! And yeah. I've got one more deposit to make on my ticket to Israel in June, Sabina is coming to visit from the Phillipines and Scott and I are going to DisneyLand!

I've lost 15 lbs. As of a week ago. So maybe I should check again.

I just feel good. Work is almost over, the earth is slowly cooling off into jacket weather, lots of people getting married or having babies and it's awesome!!

Life. Ride it.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


My visiting teachers just left my house, and one of them: Sarah Scott said that she'd been having a recurring dream about me up & moving away to France. You heard me. France. What?

I was to weirded out to say...anything.
Who's with me? Raise your hands!!

I couldn't sleep last night. Alright, alright. That's a lie. I slept for about 2 hours (so pretty much zero sleep.age) and was woken up by my phone [[jingling]]. There wasn't a number it just said "Withheld". I don't really know what that means (do you guys?), but I felt a shiver of irritation ripple through my tired blood when I heard the Oriental bird-chirping-violin-playing ring tone pierce harshly through my deepish slumber. Oh and then I recieved 2 text messages in a row ( from He Who Must Not Be Named).. the beeping wouldn't stop. I checked my phone. It was 5 in the a.m.. What. The?!?!

I guess it's my fault for not putting my phone on silent or for just turning it off for the night. But I wanted to get up and go running and I needed the alarm. ( Well I didn't this morning because my phone started ringing irrationally). Sighs. Anyways. I stayed up. Felt restless. And confused. Prayed. Read my journal, and put in another entry. Read Lehi's dream. Read my blessing. Prayed again. Daddy gave me a blessing. Cried my eyes out afterwards because I wish I could have more specific answers to my questions. It's so hard to interpret. Listened to some music to calm me down. Read my blessing again. And then headed to the gym where I worked out some of my anxiety.

It was a good morning at the gym. I did a pretty strenuous level on the Eliptical machine and barely worked up a sweat= I'm getting more fit, fitter? In better shape. I did my abs machines and stretched. It felt good and the drive back was enjoyable. The sun was peaking out from behind the mountains.. and GASPS!! I used my heater for the first time, and it works splendidly. :D

Oscar baby, you're the man!

I work tonight. It's going to be freezing so I'm not particularly looking forward to it, so maybe that means that people won't show up, or that I may get off a little early. Daddy and I need to go and buy my books, still need to get that $$$ out for him. Mom's surgery went well! Victoria didn't have any cavities either, and Talisa seems happier. Things are going well.

Where are you?

Sunday, August 16, 2009


So last night I went to a Benefit Concert for my friend Albert who basically broke his face while hiking the wind caves at [[midnight]]. It was to help him pay for the parts of his surgery that his insurance wouldn't cover- which was alot apparently. The music sucked (except Skyler's Band - The Crooked Beats) but that wasn't really the point. Duh. And it was REFRESHING to see everyone from that scene again. I forgot how much I love K-scribble, Nichelle baby, Michael "the man" Murray, and Canadian Damien.

And everyone else that I remember from that crowd. Michael made sure that I knew he was available for Math tutoring (which I will most definitely need). And talking to Damien was incredible. I love everything about that boy, and last night my infactuation for him increased exponentially when I saw his shoes. Yeah. I wrote that right.

Sustainable. Rubber soles made from trees, the straps made from vegetables.

This is love.

The downside. The only food they had was hot dogs... which is the one and only food that I will absolutely NOT eat under any circumstances, and the weather was unseasonable frigid. My hands were ice, and once home it took about 2 hours for my toes to un.thaw.

Church today was terrific. I love when we talk about the divine purpose of women. It makes me feel needed and my purpose becomes more clear the more I come to understand it. And besides all of that.. I LOVE BEING A WOMAN. So. Great topic. Thanks church.

Manny texted me waking me up from my nap. I fell asleep watching Pride & Prejudice (dang). What? He wants to talk after about 4-5 days of the silent treatment? Yeah. Ok. So we're back to this again. I didn't respond. Duh. What would compel me TO respond? The next text he sent was " Why are you so mean to me?" Really? Really Manny? So once again I'm mean. What amazes me, is if you really think that about me, then why do you keep crawling back? I've done nothing but be honest with you. I haven't pretended to be someone I'm not. Of course I've made some mistakes. I don't have all the time in the world to give you. And my life does NOT revolve around you. You're pathetic, annoying, and rude. This is probably ... around the 30th time you've said that. Not that I'm really keeping track, but how can I not with the huge list of accusations you've laid on me since the beginning. Take a gander:

I'm racist.
I hate french people.
I'm not giving you a chance to be my friend.
I don't make time for you.
I take you for granted.
I'm always tearing you down.
I make you cry.
I hate your culture.
I hate foreigners in general.
I'm a child.
I don't know how to take care of myself.

Oh. And I'm mean apparently.

I've tried to talk to you about all of this. And then the silent treatment is administered and somehow that's supposed to make me like you. Only a moron could really think that I'd stay with that. It's not physical abuse Manny. But it IS abuse. And maybe I would have put up with that a couple years ago. But not now. And good for me. So the secrets out!

The way you handle conflict is unattractive and quite frankly.. repulsive. I'm happy now.
And I don't care that you're not.

Friday, August 14, 2009


When I logged onto FB there was an advertisement up in the right hand corner of my home profile that said {{"Like animals? Get a ranch!"}}. I giggled, and that's basically how I began my sunny "am". I've noticed that instead of being really consistent with keeping this updated every day, I've started going through spurts of regularity.( I've noticed the same things with tasks like shaving my legs and plucking my eyebrows) I won't blog for a week or something, and then I'll have like 3 entries for a single day. It's dumb, but I guess that's kind of how things are right now... unorganized. A little chaotic. And dumb.

It's pay day. CHa-freakin-CHing. Oh gosh. I'm severely enthused. I don't know where I'm going to spend first. But I must have those sweater boots, the plaid purple coat, and that TMNT backpack (... yeah I said it). .But none of this is what I really wanted to write back. ADHD back and stacked. Um. And how.

{Vlumbar and Gretchen Humbummer}. Those were the children names we were picking out in my dream. If it was a girl: Gretchen. A boy: Vlumbar. And I guess that meant our last name was Humbummer. And when I woke up, peered down, and realized that the baby bump wasn't reality I started crying. I don't really know what any of it means, but I just thought it was interesting. I've had baby dreams before.. I always just end up crying when I realize I'm conscious and what's happening is.. NOT that. Ugh. So it was a long night. It was storming which was soothing in a way, but then I couldn't get back to sleep because lightening kept skittering across my walls and the thunder a'ricka rickad ma' windows. Don't get me wrong. I'm all about CV summer storms. It just didn't help with all the crying.

Things are going pretty well.
School is paid for (thanks daddy).
My refund should be coming in the next week or two ( thanks Derrick)
I've got a job secured until at least Sept 7th.
My classes are all at great times, and it will work fantastically with getting another job (NOT Elements)
I broke up with Manny and haven't heard from him since (silent treatment which just reiderates my point of reason)
My laundry is done, though I still need to hang it up.
I'm getting some shopping done today (hopefully all of it)
My phone is slowly becoming easier to navigate and handle.
My stomache is shrinking.. slowly. but still.
Scott comes home in a couple days.
I haven't heard from Matt.
The earth is beginning to cool off.
Mom's surgery should go well on Monday.

.. all in all.. things are really well. The only down side right now.. is I went to the doctor who confirmed what I thought was true. Yes. I DO have 2 cracked ribs. They don't really hurt or anything, I mean... it did when that girl nailed me in the chest but it's just a little bruised and is fine as long as no one punches me :D.

Lovin' it.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


I'm about to go to the Dentist. It's like Christmas in my heart. I LOVE the dentist.
Pay day tomorrow.


oh, don't worry. The dentist was awesome and my teeth are perfect! I've been on a winning streak since the day I was born and I plan on keeping that the rest of my life. Thank you parents for pressing upon us the importance of good dental care! And for feeding us flouride regularly. We LOVE you... and so do our teeth.

Right now, things are about me. And I don't think that's such a bad thing considering the circumstances. He doesn't make me want to be better. He makes me angry. All the time. He doesn't make me feel good about myself.. he's always pushing blame on me and the guilt trips never stop. He doesn't make me feel good about who I am, he makes me feel like a child. And I guess it's all those things that have led me to this conclusion: It's not worth it. (thanks wisteria for asking me that question, it put things into perspective for me)

And all of a sudden I can breathe.

Monday, August 10, 2009


Old people drive me crazy. Yeah, I said it.
And everything that's happened this last week makes sense because I found out that Derrick.. .the guy that has my fate in his hands.. is a good 85 years old. Oh, and also. He's retired.. he just comes back for the summers to teach 3 advanced geography courses.

I finally managed to speak with him. After sending him numerous emails and spending countless minutes (at least it's not hours) outside that blasted office door. Tami finally gave me his home phone. Did I call? You best believe it! Did it accomplish anything? Not in the least because he couldn't hear me even though I was basically shouting into the phone. He didn't understand what I was asking him to do for me. And we left on an uncertain note because I'm more than 90% positive that he didn't write down my email that right way. Oh. and I'd be surprised if he even knew how to DO email.

So where is this getting me? Nowhere. Nowhere. Nowhere. That word looks funny if you keep writing it. Nowhere.
I'm making Daddy call him tonight.. because I can't do this anymore. How many times can you try and get a hold of somebody before the whole thing becomes obsolete, stupid, pointless, and wasteful? Well it's like that now. So daddy, I'm handing the reigns over to you.

Old people.

In other news I got my yellow parking pass, turned in my schedule to work, got my schedule for this week, fixed my blasted time card (twice), visited Nicole, ate lunch with Sarah, washed my bedding, cleaned my room (again). Few more things to do:

Clean car/ car wash (maybe)
reassemble bed
Do actual laundry
call daddy (about derrick)
get $950 out of the bank
email Coach
.. and some other odds and ends... like finding another job. I'm glad I have Elements to fall back on. That much is good. But I'd really like something closer to campus, and something that I enjoy a little more. So uh.. I'll do that inbetween all the other junk I've got going on. And if THAT fails, I'll end up house cleaning and doing recpet care for me madre'. Yes yes yes.. indeed.

Today is the 10th. Which means things are going to get better here in about a week. But until then, it's all about survival. Ah yeah

Sunday, August 9, 2009


Mmm mm mmmm. I love me my Sunday's.

Alright. I've started drawing again. (gasps) I really enjoy doing it, but for some reason stopped. It might simply have been because I lost my beloved art pencils, or because my inspiration died after my heart died 2 years ago. But it's back, and I'll be posting some awesomeness soon. Also, my picture that I drew for Meggae is very nearly complete. Alls I gotta do (besides aquire some kind of grammar skills) is touch it up, find a proper frame and send it her way.

I hope she likes it. It's funky, and kinda seussical. And it's of "us" so.. Triple security on the BAM factor. I don't think anyone ever really knows what I'm talking about. But it's fun for me, so I suppose that when it comes to my blog that's all that REALLY matters. Right? It's ok. I don't think anyone reads this anymore anyways.

So. Yeah. I don't know.
I bought myself a portable DVD player so I don't have to deal with Victoria and her stupid friends coming over everytime I wanna relax. So now my room is finally decked out with all that a "need".. except a hot tub.... Everything about my room... is... calm and secure. It's a good feeling.

I don't really have a lot to say. Nothing of any real significance has happened. Me and Manny fought alot this week. Maybe I just mention that because it seems like with all my other "relationships".. we never really fought. Always on our best behavior, good posture, clean teeth.. you get it. But with this I don't think either one of us pretended to be perfect. We never really tried to impress each other by being aggressive in a wierd way.. and it's just different.

We fight like a married couple. Bicker over stupid things. Argue over our different ideas. We don't yell at each other or anything... or get violent. Not at all. It's mostly just stern dicussion and lots of the silent treatment on his end. He thinks he's right... I know I am. Isn't that funny?
I don't really know if it's worth it. I don't have bitter feelings toward him or anything, but he drives me up the walls sometimes and as patient as I am.. sometimes I feel like I'm being driven over the freaking edge...


I've got some thinking to do. Because really.. I don't think I'd be that sad if I decided to drop this whole thing. I think I would be indifferent either way. Sad eh? Or awesome? I've never been on this side of the relationship.. the one thinking about ended it. Never never never, and it's much better than being on the other side. Ya know, being dumped or avoided in some way.
Yeah.. this is definitley a step up.

I got really annoyed with Sarah. I think mostly what I need to do is just avoid her when she's on the rag. "Alright! Call me when you're off the rag!" ( <-- name that movie). But really. I think that's what I'm going to start doing because without fail.. every month.. this happens and it sucks being pissed off. both of us.

Stupid cycles.
Work was good. Put in a good 80 hours... so some good money coming my way on friday. I found a coat for winter!! It's purple plaid baby! Mmm, for fake fur on the inside...which I still feel wierd about it but it's super duper warm.. and I'll need it walking around at 7:30 am.. with canyon winds blowing through my bones. I found some awesome yarn boots also... on $32 and I'm buying them on friday.
Still need a backpack, need to buy my books and pay tuition... service my car, get a haircut.. and uh... I'm ready. Yeah!

So now I'm going to go watch "In Her Shoes", eat some food and probably take a Sunday nap.

Sunday's are ballin.

Thursday, August 6, 2009


One of my better pieces.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


Text message:

" Yummy! I want some pizza.. and some lips!"

I can relate Meggae because my favorite food is boy.
Always has been. Always will be. And there's nothing anyone can do about that.

And so.
It's only Wednesday. But it's been a long week.
On the plus side I've aquired a few more good leper jokes.. along with some.. questionable... ones. But still- what do ya do?

I'm so bored.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


My computer had a fit and deleted everything I wrote in this entry. Along with all the pictures that I put up, and frankly.. I can't be bothered to write it again. Just know this. I had an awesome time at Raspberry Days, and so did my counter part Sarah Lynne.


Sunday, August 2, 2009

123 (456)

But I didn't utter a word. And that's how it goes.

I've got a lot on my mind. It's not organized in any way. It's all just kind of there. I feel like my head.. no.. my whole body is going to implode and then EXplode because of all the unanswered questions, all the unspoken words, all the desperate emotions I feel radiating from the pit of my slowly shrinking stomach. I could say that it was because I "forgot" to eat dinner tonight, or that my hair is really big and has been floating in and out of my oculars all day. Maybe my music in the car was to loud (yeah right. If anything it wasn't LOUD enough) as I made my way home. Maybe I'm wacked out because I'm not getting to sleep in my own room because we've got family here from Australia. It could be because I ate a piece of pepperoni and I don't handle meat very well.

My skin feels super dry. My eyes hurt and my contacts are blurry from.. something.
Going to a full session of church might be the cause of all this.. turmoil. Who knows right? I could blame it on a lot of things, but the truth is.... that I don't think that it's "blame" I'm looking for. Just reason. Pure & simple. P&S.


These are mine:

Because I'm not mature enough to handle anything serious that involves anyone else.
Because I've never been confident at school, but more then that I've just never felt like UNI is for someone like me. So flighty, and changeable.
Because I feel bad (horrible, stupid, anguished, devastated) about the example I set for my Uncle. He'll never look at the church the same way because of the things I participated in while in Thailand. And I'll never be able to tell him that [[THAT]] was ok. Because it wasn't. And maybe that's why I felt bad about GOING to the "land of smiles" in the first place.
Because I thought that visiting my family would make them closer to me, but more then ever I just feel further away.
Because my heart constricted when I found out he was asking for the girl BEFORE me.
Because I feel stupid for not realizing that the Murphy's Law would once again get me.
Because my life really is as awkward as I thought. And because it's all at my expense.
Because I can laugh (or cry) those things off and move on with life, knowing that even though that experience was horrific.. there's bound to be one worse along the way.. so it's easy to be happy.
Because I feel like everyone else is changing around me and I'm remaining the same.. or maybe the other way around. That changes from time to time.
Because there's always something new to learn.

It's not about blame.
It's about reason.
Still I can't help but wish things could be a little different.

I wonder what it would be like..
How I WOULD be different. And how I wouldn't.

It's not about that either- wishing for things that can't ever be. Crying over spilled milk. No reason. REason. None for IT.
It's hard to let go of the past. It's hard to forgive. It's never been a problem. I've never had prejudices. But it's not about... how I feel about others. It's what they think about me. And why they THINK that I CARE. why?

I never needed anyone to point out my wrongs. I was strong enough. They should have known. I never needed anyone for judgement. Don't people realize that anything they have to say to me.. I've probably said to myself thousands upon thousands of times. I've NEVER asked anyone for help with this. It's to late for conversations. It just is.

I don't want to stay another minute. I want out of here. And not just for a little awhile. Permanantley, because some hurts never go away. Some places will always hold negative connotations. I tried to come back and make everything ok, but it doesn't work that way.
I never needed anyone to be there every day. I let go.

And more than ever... I AM OK. Better then ok. I'm FABULOUS.
I've never been more comfortable with myself. As I am now. I can't fathom why I DO feel this way. It doesn't matter who I'm with. I'm comfortable. This has never happened. Ever. To be completely at ease with the person I am, the way I communicate with people, the way I handle my problems, the way conflict is resolved, who I have become.

Once in a lifetime. That's THIS experience. That is MY life right now. MINE.

Is it so bad that I want to hold onto this for as long as possible? Is it so terrible that I don't want things to change because I LIKE this feeling. I like.. me. I'm bothered that just when things progress this far.. that everyone wants to come in and mess it up. Not intentionally. But I can't keep this feeling when I let someone else close to me. I get stupid. I worry about this and that. Am I funny enough? Am I nice enough? The comparing starts. The self doubt starts.

I like the way I feel right now.
So.. why is it making me sick?