123 (456)

I
became
so
enraged
I
bit
through
my
own
cheek.
But I didn't utter a word. And that's how it goes.

I've got a lot on my mind. It's not organized in any way. It's all just kind of there. I feel like my head.. no.. my whole body is going to implode and then EXplode because of all the unanswered questions, all the unspoken words, all the desperate emotions I feel radiating from the pit of my slowly shrinking stomach. I could say that it was because I "forgot" to eat dinner tonight, or that my hair is really big and has been floating in and out of my oculars all day. Maybe my music in the car was to loud (yeah right. If anything it wasn't LOUD enough) as I made my way home. Maybe I'm wacked out because I'm not getting to sleep in my own room because we've got family here from Australia. It could be because I ate a piece of pepperoni and I don't handle meat very well.

My skin feels super dry. My eyes hurt and my contacts are blurry from.. something.
Going to a full session of church might be the cause of all this.. turmoil. Who knows right? I could blame it on a lot of things, but the truth is.... that I don't think that it's "blame" I'm looking for. Just reason. Pure & simple. P&S.

Reason.
ReasonS.

These are mine:


Because I'm not mature enough to handle anything serious that involves anyone else.
Because I've never been confident at school, but more then that I've just never felt like UNI is for someone like me. So flighty, and changeable.
Because I feel bad (horrible, stupid, anguished, devastated) about the example I set for my Uncle. He'll never look at the church the same way because of the things I participated in while in Thailand. And I'll never be able to tell him that [[THAT]] was ok. Because it wasn't. And maybe that's why I felt bad about GOING to the "land of smiles" in the first place.
Because I thought that visiting my family would make them closer to me, but more then ever I just feel further away.
Because my heart constricted when I found out he was asking for the girl BEFORE me.
Because I feel stupid for not realizing that the Murphy's Law would once again get me.
Because my life really is as awkward as I thought. And because it's all at my expense.
Because I can laugh (or cry) those things off and move on with life, knowing that even though that experience was horrific.. there's bound to be one worse along the way.. so it's easy to be happy.
Because I feel like everyone else is changing around me and I'm remaining the same.. or maybe the other way around. That changes from time to time.
Because there's always something new to learn.

It's not about blame.
It's about reason.
Still I can't help but wish things could be a little different.

I wonder what it would be like..
How I WOULD be different. And how I wouldn't.

It's not about that either- wishing for things that can't ever be. Crying over spilled milk. No reason. REason. None for IT.
It's hard to let go of the past. It's hard to forgive. It's never been a problem. I've never had prejudices. But it's not about... how I feel about others. It's what they think about me. And why they THINK that I CARE. why?

I never needed anyone to point out my wrongs. I was strong enough. They should have known. I never needed anyone for judgement. Don't people realize that anything they have to say to me.. I've probably said to myself thousands upon thousands of times. I've NEVER asked anyone for help with this. It's to late for conversations. It just is.

I don't want to stay another minute. I want out of here. And not just for a little awhile. Permanantley, because some hurts never go away. Some places will always hold negative connotations. I tried to come back and make everything ok, but it doesn't work that way.
I never needed anyone to be there every day. I let go.

And more than ever... I AM OK. Better then ok. I'm FABULOUS.
I've never been more comfortable with myself. As I am now. I can't fathom why I DO feel this way. It doesn't matter who I'm with. I'm comfortable. This has never happened. Ever. To be completely at ease with the person I am, the way I communicate with people, the way I handle my problems, the way conflict is resolved, who I have become.

Once in a lifetime. That's THIS experience. That is MY life right now. MINE.

Is it so bad that I want to hold onto this for as long as possible? Is it so terrible that I don't want things to change because I LIKE this feeling. I like.. me. I'm bothered that just when things progress this far.. that everyone wants to come in and mess it up. Not intentionally. But I can't keep this feeling when I let someone else close to me. I get stupid. I worry about this and that. Am I funny enough? Am I nice enough? The comparing starts. The self doubt starts.


I like the way I feel right now.
So.. why is it making me sick?