Sunday, December 6, 2009


I guess I'd be lying if I said I didn't do SOME things for other people's approval.
At the moment however, nothing really comes to mind.

What about today?
It's not like I got up, showered, and dressed myself for the sake of others. I do those things.. for myself. If society decided that showering, and dressing myself was unacceptable and therefore against the law- I would break that law every single day. So what that tells me is that I do that for myself and not for the sake of others. Right?
I don't really know what I'm getting at. I guess just that I don't wear something, or NOT wear something so that everyone can tell me why THEY don't do or DO that thing to. I mean, does it really matter? Do I DO that to other people? I'll have to think about that more when I have time to think about.. imponderables. I'm not looking for reprimand or approval ( in these matters), just acceptance.

Something's come apart inside me the last couple of weeks. There are some probable causes, but despite what's probable or not I don't feel it explains everything. Because honestly, I don't see an end to the cycle. And I guess that's the problem.

I need to talk about Scott K.
He's the best person I've ever known- and I hardly know him at all. He's a gentleman, respectful, smart, genuinely kind and sincere. He has manners, he's upfront and honest. Everything about him is good and right and true. He glows man. He's a good guy. I'm not saying he's perfect, or does everything right all the time, or doesn't have downfalls, or things that slip him up. But he has a plan, I feel like his life is in order and that he knows that in order to be the man he wants to be that he MUST rely on the Lord. He's family centered, and above all this.. I just can't get over how CONSIDERATE this person is. He literally blows my mind. He's so good. THIS is the problem.

He's.. ALL that.
And I'm me.
And the unfairness that I feel in this situation is paralyzing. Because as much as I'd like to make myself feel like I could and possibly could DESERVE to be with someone like that... I don't.

I really, honestly, truly, sincerely know in my heart of hearts that I don't. It's not saying that I couldn't in the future. Maybe when I'M a better person, or someone that I can be proud of.. but right now...

I can't wait till' finals are over. And then it's vacation.

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