Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Alright, time for some venting. NOT the angry kind, it's more like the bottle for my "angst" *snorts* is full and because the top is still on the pressure just keeps on building.
I'm not a fan of exploding.

Last night changed my life.
I'm not quite sure what it WAS about shoving that 45lb free weight along the floor but that's the closest I've come to ACTUALLY losing it in a very long time. Especially anywhere even close to the gym.
I talk about the gym alot.

But you've GOT to understand as to why that is!
Is not only because I can [see and hear] the support I need for wanting to make and keep life changing goals. The endorphins don't suck.
But more than that-it's a safe zone. Nothing about the life I'm living OUTside the gym, affects me when I'm INside the gym.
The other way around isn't true. The gym DOES in fact my other life- but in all good ways.
I'm kind of a compartmentalist. (I'm pretty sure I made that word up-basically I try to keep all things seperate, so as not to create a messy knot of experiences I can't understand)

The point is, I can be the person I want to be without any fear of social faux pas, or judging. Misunderstanding or conflict. It's where I let go and I can realize my potential.
That being said, I haven't questioned by physical abilities in.. I mean.. Ever.

And I'm not saying that I did last night, because I forced myself past that wall but.. There was a moment, with Patrick putting extra pressures on my screaming shoulder, and Natalie breathing-literally-down my neck to pick up the pace that I thought one of two things was going to happen.

1) I was going to breakdown. Not only weep, but flood the club with my horrific torrential tears.
or 2) Snap mentally and go into full fledged hysterics.

I haven't been pushed that far mentally or physically in a very long time. And I don't understand what it was about last NIGHT that caused that to happen. I keep thinking about it.

Am I not getting enough sleep?
Is something else going on that I just haven't.. structured yet?
And why didn't I just let it go when I felt it? Psychoanalysis, gotta love it.
The point is, I never want that to happen again. Although nothing seeped out of my eyes I spent the rest of the workout on the brink of bursting into tears.
And later I lay trembling under by beloved covers trying to get that feeling out of my head.

Something happened.
And it didn't go away today.
During personal training I held back. It's not that I didn't work hard, or do a less than expected job as far as intensity. But I wasn't into it as much as I have been.
I'm really sad about it.
And I'm hoping things change tomorrow, I'll guess we'll see.

In other news:
My neck and shoulders feel as though they've been injected with cement.
Doesn't that sound delicious?

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