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{Okay..}
..the fireworks just keeps on exploding, becoming more and more vexing as time creeps on by. I understand only one lesson I'm supposed to be taking from this- and I suppose it could apply to all the things surfacing right now, but I only know FOR SURE what the lesson is for one of these... dilemmas. And I feel lucky.

I figured the ONE out during Sacrament Meeting on Sunday. I was settled there all ears to the talks about what it means to take Jesus' name upon us, the example that our Savior has set for us, etc. [[And it hit me.]] Because never in my entire entity have I been more self aware then I am right now. It's not that I think I'm sloppy all the time but I've taken extreme consideration these last several weeks to notice the things I say and do more carefully, what I wear with more scrutiny, the places I go and the people I decide to spend time with because I know that {S&E} is/are watching and waiting for me to slip up.

It's obnoxious yes- and mean- but I know that I've set my standards higher this last little while, and that it's been an opportunity for me to learn how to be an influence-er, instead of just being influenced (something that I've been praying for). My head disentangled slightly, and a portion of my saddened heart hushed at the resolve, my determination to be even better increased because I understand what I'm supposed to be doing now, and even more than that? Exactly WHY I'm supposed to be going through this. Because I suppose there's never been a reason this close to my sphere before.

Most of my friends share the same beliefs that I have or understand the system. None of them that have different beliefs have ever been up in my business about it, trying to tear it apart and undermine everything I do- until now- so things have changed for me. I was trying to find a way to better step things up a notch, a way to be proactive about THIS in my life because I felt I reached a lull. I wasn't sure what else to do- then this happened.

Be careful what you wish for ;)

Now that I understand I can fully appreciate this trial in my life. For a long time I've just felt confused, abandoned, and devastated. Now I feel like it's an {{honor}} to have the opportunity to represent the Church as best as I can too my friends and the people I care about the most, with the Savior's name. I'm actually HAPPY about it. XD

I had an enlightening heart to heart with him {S} Saturday night. I was sitting up late (um.. 10pm is really late right?) reading the Ensign in my warm snuggly bed when he popped into my head and wouldn't leave. I threw him a text asking him if he was busy, because I'd like to talk to him. He just so happened to have time? yeah right-this NEVER happens with us. EVER.

I tried to think of somewhere soothing and quiet we could stroll and converse, but nothing came to mind and let's be honest- I knew if we DID do that I would end up being spiked and leeched to death by vicious mossies. So we drove ( well, I drove).
We talked mostly about things that don't matter, but then I asked him to please share his story with me (with no interruptions or comments from me) so that I could better understand where he was coming from. He wanted to know why- and I told him it was because I felt my friendship with him was suffering and that I'd just been thinking about it heaps ( all true)- so he spilled.

I'm glad I understand better where he's coming from, and why he's at where he is, and why he's doing the things that he does to ME. And while I don't agree and am saddened by the way he's let certain experiences in his life affect HIM so negatively, it does help to have more background information, and I know it will help me make the decisions that I need to next.

It made me realize the difference between letting your heart break into a million pieces when life is unfair, and letting it break OPEN to something new.