337

{Nelly. Just A Dream. LOVE.}
This entry is a little intense, because I'm feeling really intense, but I guess it doesn't matter because it's my blog.
It's times like this, when I feel like THIS, that I need {G} to be here. It's not so much that he can solve my problems, or make everything that hurts me go away. He can't change those things, he can't actually create happiness for me. He can't. And I know that. But he helps. He can make me laugh, he's great at taking my mind off things that make me sad, and he KNOWS what it feels like to have the 6th sense that I have. Because he has it to.

I'm sick of it.
I know it's a blessing if you look at it in a certain light. And when I CAN see it in that light I appreciate it. But it's times like this, when I feel like THIS, that despite what I try and do, I just CAN'T.

I've been at this point so many times, and I'm long past handling it. I can't believe how many times I've somehow been able to push through, get over, or managed to move on from this or that. I admire how far I've come, for myself. I'm grateful that I've overcome the things that I have, in the way that I have, and I KNOW that I have much to be grateful for. And I am grateful.

But I'm broken. I've never been at this level before. I've had rough times, who hasn't?- but I've never been so AFRAID in my entire life. I'm scared. I'm terrified that I can't give anymore. I'm horrified at the thought that maybe I really can't care. And I'm upset that I feel as though I just.can't.love.100%. anymore.

It goes beyond anything that I've been able to or COULD possibly FULLY explain. I've had to rebuild walls and secure this fortress around me so many times. Each time it's broken down the overhaul becomes more intense and more "bullet" proof. I'm afraid that pretty soon nothing will be able to get in. I don't just mean bad things, things that cause pain, anxiety, or just confusion. But good things to. I'm worried that eventually I'm just not going to be myself anymore. I'm already NOT who I was before I first fell in love with someone. I'll never love like THAT again. And I'm okay with that because I can still be 100% to a different caliber. But what happens when there's just not another caliber?

What type of person, is THAT kind of person?

Am I turning into that?

"I just want you to know that I've made you a priority. I've been putting lots of other potential on hold because I wanted to be 100% for you, in this particular caliber. It's not a sacrifice because it's something that I want to do. That I know I have to do to fulfill my life's goal of "no regrets." I want you to appreciate that I care about you enough to do THIS for you. I'm not running away when I'm terrified. I'm not avoiding you when I feel insecure or unworthy, undeserving. I'm not giving up when I KNOW that it would be so much easier to do so. I'm being brave-for you- in a way that I never have been before. I'm facing this head on, heart open and am willing to work through all the discomfort, that sick feeling in my stomach when I think you might be having second thoughts, or changing your mind entirely, I'm willing to go through that. I've only said that about one other person. This is a big deal. Do you understand that? It's not easy. It will never be easy, but I'm here. I'm here. I'm here NOW. Because you matter to me. Because THIS matters to me. I'm doing things your way, which really isn't MY way at all. I'm practicing patience I never thought in my LIFE I would have, HAVE to have. I've kept my emotions in line and in check in a way that I never thought would be possible for someone like ME. I'm making myself vulnerable-for you-and that's the greatest gift I can give to you. Please understand and appreciate that."