Wednesday, November 24, 2010


This is the most amazing ad I've ever seen posted on KSL:

PRICE: $375.00 AD TITLE: Your lucky day! The most awesome snow blower ever is up for sale LOCATION: - Nov 23, 2010
I tried selling this snow blower a few weeks ago. Now that we are looking at one of the nastiest winters we have ever had, straight in the mouth, who wants this thing now? I seriously, no joke had someone from Minnesota contact me and wanted to know how much it would cost to ship it. This gentleman had the very same snow blower that he has been using in Minnesota for the past 32 years. Minnesota! 32 years! Where they know how to have a proper winter. Where the snow piles up good and deep. These snow blowers are tough. Built like tanks. And they don't make them anymore. So don't miss your chance on what some are calling man's finest moment. A moment of mental clarity. Enlightenment. Inspiration. A moment when a dew drop of pure knowledge was bestowed upon the head of mankind. The heavens are parted and a blessing is born. Such was the case the day this snow blower was made.

I don't know what spiteful injustice Old Man Winter performed, but oh how the hammers of Thor did ring out that day. Melding, shaping, angrily pounding out the gorgeous curves of this precision made, slush spewing, chill killer, doom machine of the frost.

I am telling you, I have worked on a few motorized machines, but this snow blower – this device is built with single purpose and sole intent. To disrespect and deliver as much shame to the icy throes of winter's chilly grip as possible.

I have torn this machine down and carefully inspected and re-installed each part. Not because it was needed, but out of homage and respect. I realized almost right away that this snow blower was not to be wielded lightheartedly. In the right hands this machine will clear all of the snow off of your driveway, your sidewalk, your neighbor's sidewalk, your neighbor's driveway, your road and could probably be used to extricate trapped miners from a Chilean mine. In the wrong hands, this could be a menacing, evil, contraption of villainy and misconduct. For this reason, I relinquish ownership very reluctantly.

In the era of this snow blower’s creation, things of this nature had “safety features” that were just that – features. Items of luxury. Opulence. Brute manliness ran rampant as evidenced by the audacious and marvelous facial hair adorned by many of the time. Please allow me to cite a non- inclusive list of the more famous examples. Burt Reynolds, Kenny Rogers, Roger Whittaker, Tom Selleck, Sam Elliot, Richard Petty, Rollie Fingers, Dan Haggerty, a young Wilford Brimley and Richard Round tree, to name a few. This list also gets an honorable mention -- the Pontiac TransAm. Technically, this is a car and had no beard. But it did have macho sized firebird decal splashed boldly across the hood of the car. No car has come so close to beardmanship.
No snow blower has come so close to beardmanship as this one. No snow blower has come so close to outright dangerous reckless abandon regarding safety either. No attempts were made to bridle the power channeled through this virile ice dagger. Once you start it up and set it in motion, there are only two ways to stop it. 1. Pull up on the lever on the handlebar 2. hope it runs out of gas. If, Heaven help us -- it were to ever get away from the operator and run willy-nill, we had all just pray no people, houses or national monuments get in the way. They would be churned up and sprayed out in a fine mist from the chute. Never to be re-assembled again.
there really should be a permit to run this thing. This thing is heartless and hungry. It’s a monster. It is, dare I say -- the Chuck Norris of snow blowers. Ironically, I have nick-named this snow blower “Chuck”.

When operated responsibly, it will concisely remove all of your winter woes. One blustery morning I saw the snow plow driver chuckle giddily at me as he drove by and buried the end of my fresh cleaned driveway with a heavy wash of dirty, slushy snow. I did not so much as flinch. I turned Chuck towards the towering snow pile. Chuck buried his face and merrily set to chomping. It was for times like this that he was born, and he was most definitely at his finest. Chuck had ravaged through the pile by the time the snow plow driver came back down the opposite side of the road. He was notably demoralized. He looked like a Wall Street Banker who had just been told there would be no multi-million dollar bonus check this year.

Examine your heart. If you find that you are a responsible and non-villainous type person and have much need to have the snow in your driveway tossed dozens of feet away, lofted heavenward in an outright challenge to Old Man Winter. If you want to make a bold statement that no flake belongs on your property where you deem it unfit to be. If you can handle the ferocity of Chuck, then please let me know. If not, then move along my friend -- move along.

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