Chewing things over in moments like this I can never tell where the change began, but know it's because I fell out of certain habits. I know because that tends to be the case every time. Maybe one morning I just forgot to study my scriptures, then was distracted and busy all day and never got around to it. Maybe I wasn't as grateful as I should have been for something good in my life and failed to recognize God's hand.
Maybe I just got lazy.
So it's time to realign, and implement a new attitude adjustment because mine hasn't been choice in this last while. In institute we reviewed some principles about prayer that I've really needed. This class has been right there this entire semester and every class period and topic of discussion has been right on point with what I've needed in my life lately. And today wasn't any different.
This year has been the most trying of any other. And it's not because anything big and catastrophic has happened. No one's died. I haven't gotten into any major trouble. There haven't been huge set backs though there have been a few upsets. I think the trials have come, because I decided that I didn't want to see a blurry line anymore. I wanted to become one of those people that can see things with distinction. Black and white. Good and bad. Right and wrong. Everyone that I look up to and admire has a quality that is this, or is similar to this amazing gift. Once I made that decision, everything became more challenging.
I felt like my world had been turned upside down because all of a sudden I was being faced with things I'd never experienced before, the most difficult?:
friends attacking everything about me and what I believe and know.
All of a sudden, I was HAVING to draw a line, I was HAVING to be blunt, and to make sure I stayed where I know I'm happiest and feel the most worth I had to be SO careful about what was right and what was wrong. I didn't understand all of this while it was happening, but looking back, in that aspect of my life I see HUGE amounts of growth and I now I AM that type of person. But it's all about maintaining that distinction, which is demanding. Along with all of this there were and are some HUGE decisions that I have to make about what I want to do, where I'm supposed to be, and what decisions are going to lead me and allow me to have the BEST possible life that is open and available to me.
I've been having a hard time with it.
My interests are broad, spread across an entire spectrum of ideas.
Stay here, leave?
Go for this guy or back out?
Change my major, or stick it out?
Cut people out, or learn to be even MORE careful than I have been about the people I allow into my life?
Take this job, or that one?
Try and fix things, or let them be
As I've prayed I've done it with real intent. Meaning that no matter how my prayer is answered I'll do what the Lord wants me to do, go where he wants me to go, be who he wants me to be, even if it's not what I had in mind. I've tried so hard to figure out what's the spirit and what's just me. I've tried to discover the pattern, recognize the feeling, and follow what I think is right. But I've been given absolutely no answer on any accord.
In institute we discussed the idea that... maybe it doesn't matter, and that's why we're not given any answer sometimes. That's rough. I want to feel like my decisions matter, that the way I decide to take my life actually IS a big deal. And I'd like the reassurance that my decisions was right. And if it's wrong to be let in on that immediately.
But that's not how it works all the time.
It's just different because it HAS for me, until now.
I tried to shake things up and get something going. I signed up with a nanny agency, I started looking at apartments, checking out humanitarian aid projects, the military, peace corps, traveling for fun, maybe staying with friends for awhile, moving somewhere just to get away, looking at property, a seasonal retreat, going on a mission came up, going to a different school was looked into, I checked out everything I could think, hoping to feel a magnetic pool towards one of them. I heard back from a few jobs but nothing came together. Nothing else panned out or felt good or like something I should do right now.
Frustrated, cried out, depressed, and manic I decided the only thing I could really control for now was my schooling. And we all know how Chelsea feels about schooling. But I just NEEDED some kind of plan and structure. Something to work with, even if it was the last thing on my list of things that I wanted to do. So I took a deep breath and got it together. My classes and schedule figured out, Mum gave me a job cleaning our house for some extra cash, also during this time I received my 4th calling in my ward (all of them extremely involved and time consuming), I became friends with someone who let me into her world of music and art and I've felt comfortable and progressive there, instead of numb and empty because of all the people that have walked out of my life, or I've had to walk out on them, mum and dad came home from NZ to tell me that if I did well in school that my uncle would pay for me to come out on his last humanitarian aid trip before he retired, I applied for a job here in the valley and got it almost too easily, and an interest that I've had for awhile has been pursuing, and I've found another that I plan on exploring.
My prayer, I've realized.. has been answered.
I'm supposed to be here, which is why everything has worked out the way it has.
It isn't what I wanted. It's not what I hoped for. I'm very scared about the future.
And just because I know school is right, and being here is right... I still don't know what else I'm supposed to do while I'm here. I have my callings, I'll have 2 small part time jobs, but school I have no idea- and I guess that's where the no answer part comes in.
Maybe it just doesn't matter what I decided to do, because whatever it is, I'll find a way to make it work for me. That only gives me slight comfort but the more I've found myself thinking about it, the more confidence it gives me that no matter what- I'll be set, I'll find a niche somewhere within a certain area, and I'll make it my thing. And if THAT'S not the plan, that taking this path will lead me to where I want to be, where I should be, where I will be somehow.
Now I just have to freakin' choose.
Also, I need to work on all the habits I've fallen out of and just.. get back on track.
It's all the little things:
making more time for scripture study
making sure I'm not too distracted to pray day and night
thinking about my callings more and doing my part to magnify them and help serve others
keep and refine the feminine splendor and grace that took me so long to cultivate
stay on top of my job at home and get mentally prepared for the one I've been given
work on being persistent and consistent in the things and people that make me happiest
give people more of a chance
being more kind and understanding
being more healthy
limit time used with technology as opposed to real human relationships.