Excuse me for having methods that are not YOUR methods.
Excuse me for having weak moments.
Heaven forbid I should be human.
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In Relief Society we discussed Sacrifice. When asked if we knew anyone that had sacrificed for the Lord my mind went instantly to my parents. Just married, new converts, flew to New Zealand to be sealed in the temple there-then off on the 3 month honeymoon back packing around Europe (my parents are legit). Later feeling impressed to move to North America which meant leaving behind all their friends and family to come to this foreign place with literally no money. And if they had kids they knew that they wouldn't have any close aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents. They struggled once here and once they started adopting kids that remained the same. I remember us not having enough money to even eat meat. I'm not sure how confident they were in the Lord looking out for them with such a major change. But I look at the life they have now- and me being a product of it (even if it's a little indirectly) and I don't think they'd go back and do things any differently. They could have stayed in Australia, my daddy would be making WAY more money than he is now and they would've had more time for travel ( which they love)- but I'm confident that my parents don't see us children as trading down, or the home they have, or the job my father has. I know they love us, and we are what they want. My daddy is successful at what he does, we have a home to live in and food to eat. Clothes to cover us and amazing opportunities to become educated. They've even helped us out when it comes to our own travel adventures that we want to do.
I don't know what I'll be asked to sacrifice next.
I don't know where those things will take me. I can't say that I'm confident right now. Or brave. Or even 100% trusting in this moment. I think that's okay as long as I'm working towards that. I want to be the type of person that would give up absolutely everything for the Lord. But it's something I almost fear writing down here because of what test will be next.
I know the Lord knows me better than anyone. But I also know that Satan knows me also. Things are concentrated lately. And everything that I love, or admire, things that I want, good experiences that I've had-I feel like he's taking all of those things, twisting them and throwing back in my face. This has happened a lot lately-to a point where I can't say I recognize myself.
Scenario 1:
I want to be a good friend to someone ( it doesn't matter who). So let's get this person into her life in way that she's trusting- then we'll flip the switch and pile on some despair to make her feel really awful about something that really isn't a big deal-and just part of life. Oh. And then let's remind her of how many times something like this has happened in the past, just for good measure. Oh. And then when she tries to talk to her friends about it they'll be super detached and apathetic just to really bring things home. And once home she'll sit and wonder about all the things that could possibly be wrong with her and all the things she's done in the past to MAKE all those things be wrong with her. That way she'll detach herself from all the people that she could call her friends, her family, her parents. She'll stop doing all the things that really make her happy, and eventually it'll become to hard for her to even begin to think about possibly trying. And we'll just keep reminding her over and over and over till she's completely broken and alone.
If she tries to make it out of that whole-repeat process.
Sighs.
Talked to Evan, he said I should figure out what it is that I really believe in.
Not the things I know. Because those are things I know.
I've been thinking about it for a couple days.
I believe in people- but it's vague.
I believe in original thought-but that's also vague.
I believe in working.
In being a good daughter, a good sister, a good aunt, a good friend, a good coworker, a good student, a good citizen, a good influence for change.
I believe in the meaning of my name: being a safe harbor.
I believe in chances. Whether it be second, third, fourth, fifth, etc.
I believe in being kind.
Not sure how any of this helps me. Haven't thought that far about it.
Maybe it's given back some of my foundation. Repeating who I am over and over again helps to ground me again. And I start to see a flicker of recognition in myself. I think part of being me is finding ways to accept over and over again that the balance I feel I need in my life will always be a little off. I've been okay with it in the past, having a hard time with it now, but because I knew I once embraced it I can keep working towards having that "okayness" again in the future.
I think it's time to step back.
I think I've been unconsciously embodying those around me that are having a negative impact on me for whatever reason. Or maybe it's my fault that I've allowed that to happen. Either way. It's time to recoop and get back to place where I was a couple weeks ago. And then go further.
So what do I want to do? What's Chelsea?
I want to live what I know and believe.
I want to be happy.
I want to organize.
I want to succeed in my classes.
I want to get to know the people around me on sub levels.
I want to do my best at work.
I want to serve.
I want to keep singing even if it's cloudy and gray outside.
I want to be responsible.
And I want to be kind.
puzzlepiecing.
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