Wednesday, January 26, 2011


{I've figured it out.}
After weeks of wondering, questioning, doubting, worrying, thinking, not sleeping, crying, laughing, wishing, struggling-surviving-I have it figured out. All my prayers are being answered. In the most astounding ways. Everything is becoming so much clearer to me than it has in such a long time. There's not as much fog and I'm sure I now know what's been going on.

This is going to be a long post.
And I realize that on my blog I talk a lot about my own self discovery (duh), and I analyze everything (obviously), and it's all subjective for me (of course), and none of you (if anyone even reads this anymore) could possibly understand the significance of all these things to me (yeah). So I'm not asking you to stay. This will be ALL about me. It's my blog, deal with it (or don't)
So take some time now to navigate to another page unless you're strangely interested. You might get to the end and realize how much time you wasted otherwise. And no, that won't be my problem. You've been warned.

{I'm more.}
I'm not comparing to anyone.
I'm not contrasting with anyone.
Just with myself.
And I've realized that
{I'm more.}

I've repressed.
I've settled.
I've created a comfortable nook that conforms to the place I'm in.
Life is working me.
Anything with a "ly" at the end.
I've settled.

Along with repressing, and settling, I've been....waiting.
What happened to the Chelsea that used to make things happen, as opposed to just waiting for things to happen? What happened to making LIFE work for ME.
{Refer back to repressing and settling for the answer}

I sat up last night and the thought
"What in the world have I been doing?" raced through my mind over and over again.

I'm happy with where I'm at.
And hopeful about what is to come.
I'm content.
And excited about the future.
It's not that I dislike my space and place.
{I'm here.}
And I've been good at being HERE. {Here in all those "ly" ways}

But {I'm more.}
{I'm more} than what I've been doing.
Anything with a "ly" at the end.

It's not about anyone else.
Just me.

Why couldn't I be an LDS woman, but still be a capitalist and a democrat?
Why couldn't I actually finish school, get a degree, and find a really good career- and also be a really good wife and eventually a mother?
Why couldn't a find a life for myself out of Smithfield and still keep and be true to my roots?
Is there anything wrong with having the high expectations that I have for myself?
I CAN be into cage fighting and martial arts but still cry when I see roadkill.
I can be an environmentalist but think that recycling in UT is for chumps.
I can be competitive but intuitive at the same time.
Aggressive but feminine.
Powerful but submissive.
Sarcastic but sincere.
Excessive but genuine.
Wealthy but humble.

Can't I be BOTH of these people?
Yeah. I can. And I know that. But I haven't been letting myself. It might be because I'm more insecure than I thought, it might be because of social pressure (the pressure I've made for myself), it might have happened unknowingly and now it's time for me to KNOW. I really don't care about the reason why it could have. Just that it did.

I think I've been trying to separate and compartmentalize 2 very different aspects of my life, but that's not going to work. I have to find a way to marry those 2 ideas, because then in that sense I'll be the "more" that I know I am.

Had a really great chat with Nicole last night.
She asked me some questions about my dating life; the past, present, and future. Talking to her everything that I've been thinking about, in that area, came spilling out. Things I've never said out loud. Honestly. And truly.

I've settled in that area.
Which is perhaps why all the really stupid things that happen in my life, are in THIS part of my life.
Which is AWFUL.
I date guys that, while I'm attracted to their wit or intellect, I'm not attracted to them physically.
And I never figure that out until way past the point of where I SHOULD have figured it out.
I'll never forget (M). Extremely serious relationship, but we weren't physical. He leaned in to kiss me and I freaked out. Realized that the idea of being intimate with him in that way was absolutely {{{{repulsive}}}} to me. I'll never forget (E). Same thing. So smart, and honestly the most comical guy I've ever met (IMPORTANT). When it got to the same point-again-almost lost my mind because the idea of doing that was so horrific.

What's wrong with me!?
I'm looking for someone who is HILARIOUS. Someone who is INTELLIGENT. And someone I can COMMUNICATE with. If he doesn't have those things I am NOT interested. Maybe I have a hard time putting those three things into someone who is INCREDIBLY attractive-to me-. Do I just not see it? Do I not believe that all those things are possible to be puzzle pieced together?

I can have the career that I want if I'm willing to work for it. I don't have to settle for some run of the mill job that will be something that I HAVE to do instead of what I WANT to do. I don't have to settle, for this.

In all of those "ly" ways.
I can have what I want. And more.
Because I am.

It can.
And I shouldn't settle.
The whole thing has made me realize just how much confidence I LACK in this area.
But I'm going to work on that.

Because it's not just this.
It's all those "ly's".
{I'm more}

I'm attracted to vibrance, original thought, differences, thinkers, questioners and doubters, holding your own, authority and prestige, career, country, expression, sarcasm, workers and movers, passion, life experience, inappropriate jokes and behavior, journalism, why smart people do dumb things, progress, going above and behind, the unpredictable and breaking the mold, art, irony, inside jokes, man purses, sweat and callouses and scars, hate and love, letting go, letting in, lace and barbed wire, miracles, initiating change, face to face conversation, exploring, realism, the demographic divide, race, roots, core values, alternative views, original thought.

And I can have all of that.
Because... {I'm more}
And I don't need to settle.

I CAN do what I WANT to do.
I have the power to make that happen.

1 comment: