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Alright, this is going to be a right-hrrrrrr lengthy post. Or maybe it won't. I feel like its been an eon since I've actually jotted down anything substantial. Of course the word "substantial" probably suggests that this post will also be boring. Feel free to circum.....navigate yourself.

The last couple weeks have been beclouded.
A haze of ups and down frequented (much to much) by pushes towards the periphery of my own sanity. I'm not sure what's happened. Maybe sometime during my life little roots of ridiculousness took hold and have been secretly festering for years. Only now they aren't just festering. These little darlings have come into full (fool) bloom. The result: this new personality which very much resembles Captain Jack's Sparrows. You know the one I'm talking about. No balance, slurring of speak and what's the word? Oh yes, daftness.

I'm daft now.


Before Vegas I was some what better. At least things were holding together a little better. But once in Sin City all reason and normalcy fled which left me in a couple of interesting places: laughing hysterically while sitting on pharaohs lap in front of the Luxor, laughing hysterically over real grass within the grounds of Mandalay Bay, laughing hysterically while following a mysterious car down a dark alley without really realizing it, and laughing hysterically while frequenting every restroom in sight. Laughing hysterically was.. it.

Daftness I tell you. And it's sticking.
I can't remember what I did this last week.
I know school was in there somewhere.
My brain won't stay in my head.
I did my taxes last night with Daddy.
Oscar's up and running again.
Daddy took my car for a drive to see the way it runs now- he hated the music I had in my car.
It brought me back to Institute and how there should probably be some changes in that area.

I've been exhausted for the last couple of weeks. Been falling into a comma sleep every night, and naps whenever I can get them, yet have been waking up super early each morning. I don't really know what that is. I suppose it could be fatigue, or maybe I'm not working out enough, or maybe I'm starting to get sick. I don't really care, all it really means is that I've been working on my story a bunch,, avoiding things that have anything to do with school, watching lots of movies and spending more time than usual thinking. Or just thinking about thinking, because nothing's really coming into clear focus.

Bought a new perfume.
He loved it.

I think I'm supposed to play the waiting game.That's what this all keeps coming back to. Is that there's nothing I can do except be patient.That's hard when you're like me, and you know what you want all the time.Last night I had a crazy dream involving myself (lots of myself), a continental breakfast at the Mirage, and a gang. I've heard stranger things.

An intense note writing session throughout sacrament meeting today.
Made me very sad for the situation, but very happy for my own.

It rained a little.
And I've gained 5 lbs.
I know it's not a big deal.
I know it IS a big deal.

Rode on the back of Nate's bullet bike Friday afternoon.
Smiled wide the entire time.
Obsessing over pool and wanting to tables to turn for a little while.

I'M CONSTANT.
And that won't change, with the exception of one "unless", which I know will never happen.


It's Sunday today.
And it's been a pretty interesting day.
I'm ready for a different day.