Never underestimate the power of a natural high. Felt amazing to get the muscles working and blood pumping. Later having it followed up with a healthy dose of laughter really topped off the night. I'm not sure what's happened in the last 24 hrs but I've gone from feeling as though I can't do anything, to feeling as though I can do everything.
I see it as a gift from God that I've felt the presence of the spirit so strongly in my life the last couple of hours, and I hope the decision I've made allows me to continue to have that calm in my life when I know things are about to become possibly more chaotic than ever.
I've got a good angle.
I'm happy when I'm there, I love the teasing and laughing. I've enjoyed the security and the excitement, the change in pace but the truth is that I don't fit. And neither does he. This small nook we've filled in each other's lives only satisfies itself during the wee hours of the morning. Late to come over, early to leave and nothing about it is real. I think that's it. This just isn't real life and that's what I'm really trying to work towards. Ahead and behind in different ways. The difference between trying to be something, and actually BEING that something already.
I don't think I'm better than him. I'd never say I was better than ANYONE. But I'm too much of a good girl for him. And he's in a bad boy stage that possibly isn't a stage, but a lifestyle. I'm not saying it isn't a fun combination. I've learned a lot and enjoyed all of my time with him. He interesting and adventurous, he's sexy and aggressive in all the right ways. He's experienced and gives me the perfect amount of attention. He's hard but soft. He's opened my eyes to many things and I'll never forget the crazy in love feelings he's got for me and in many ways I love him back...but... this is a moment. And moments pass.
I'm sad it's over.
I'd be lying if I said this was going to be easy.
Just thinking about it tears me up inside, and part of me hopes that he fights tooth and nail for me... but this is the right thing to do and I feel I know that without a doubt now.
Love isn't enough sometimes.
Religion isn't enough sometimes.
Sometimes you don't get to have.. enough.
I'm lucky that I did for a couple months :D
So now I've got to write a proposal to the university to explain why my combination of studies should be accepted into the Interdisciplinary Studies Major. What to say what to say.