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Swim Team
1/2 those individuals I never would have chosen to be chummy with. Nothing would have lured me towards them, given me any reason to converse to them.
Swim Team.
Jan got me contemplating that. Was it really such a grand thing? Did it really do any of us any good? Nothing can be helped or changed now- we were together for 4 years. And that circle of friendship was near unbreakable. How would things be different now had that not happened?

And then this morning to Victoria:

"Maybe you should get different friends"
"Well, you hang out with so-and-so don't you?"
"Yeah, but he's 21 and isn't breaking the law as WELL as being an idiot"

I skedaddled back to my haven, sprawled out on my bassinet and attempted to clear the scarlet that had begun splotching my vision. Disappointment. Worry. Is it that different? And what does that say about me that my sister draws these conclusions about me, and justifies her friends by who I've chosen [or who have chosen me] as cohorts.

It says and shows that I've been a Gray example. Instead of Black and White And as much as it hurt to emphasize that and to shove things into that perspective, I know that I'm in the wrong. Partially. My sister can't justify, but I can't be a hypocrite either. Sometimes the thought comes that I confuse loyalty with friendship.
It happens more often then most think- I believe. And I am truly convinced that it is done innocently.

Let's take an honest look at my friends [I think to myself]
Who would I have genuinely chosen?

Matt
Mike
Jarren
Jeff
Emily
Sarah
Nicole.

None of the others.
And that's how it turned out after graduating in 06'. Our unbreakable group split it 2 ways. And I think we all foresaw this. It was so securing at the time to have so many "friends". And such a variety. Presently things are put into a different, more illuminating light. And I realize that Jan was and is right- as is my sister.
It's time to move past this. Completely. It's so hard to let go of things that you've maintained for so long. To cherish people OR yourself to much to allow shackles of resistance to take hold. And I think I'm coming [finally] to a place where I DO care to much about my well being to jeopardize anything.

Is that selfish?
I worry it could be selfishness, or self righteousness, or pride?

I also worry about twisting my fragile fate to benefits anothers.
And I am fragile. So easily swayed. So easily convinced. People-pleaser.
Trusting. Easy to manipulate. And I can be happy in knowing that for myself-about me. I'm nowhere near denial.

And I do carry my own little satchel of "things I do wrong" and "things I don't do that I should".
Hardly innocent.
No where near perfect.
I could try harder though. Make better decisions. Think.

"... And make good choices no matter what."
That's what he said.
That's what he wrote.
That's what he told me.

him.
..Matt.

And I think the best way to honor our impressive friendship is to follow his counsel. Because I was right last year when I said that. And he is more than correct this year.
And if for no other reason- this is reason enough.

I'm going to cry.
There's going to be much heartache and sorrow.
They won't understand.
And I will be unable to help them understand.

I'm leaping.
-Trusting.
-Hoping.
-Counting [1.2.3] on so many things.
[Abraham]

I hope I stick to my resolve.

It's nearly 2:30pm

Time to make use of the day! And how beautiful it is outside!