54

Last night was a crucial opportunity of growth for my own personal benefit.
Things were unraveling. Mostly just me.
I sat in my closet and had to hold myself so that my soul hole wouldn't stretch further than I was capable of handling. I began to let the tears waterfall down my face but suddenly realized that I didn't want to be like that.

I didn't want one stupid situation to reduce me to a soul hole s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d crying baby in the closet{SHSCBITC}. So after brushing the tears aside I got down on my knees and prayed for the strength, patience, and guidance regarding the happening that just arose.
I received a text from Max explaining why our date fell through. It had nothing to do with why I crumbled earlier but it made me feel better on that account to know that it wasn't because I'm ugly, or fat, or undesirable in some other way. He said next week, and my heart lifted.

After thinking things through and deciding that I wanted to "act and not react" I texted Sarah for a few minutes. She herself was just going through this a couple weeks ago, and how lucky and blessed I am to have her in my life.
It was nice to be able to express my emotions with calm, carefully thought out words instead of throwing something [or myself] into the wall and causing a distressful scene. And nothing is broken- so a double plus.

I'm only angry and frustrated with myself. I was doing so well with the "not expecting anything" strategy. Then 1 text sent me reeling. Obviously some kind of expectation slipped it's way in there and whatever it was that I WAS expecting- it wasn't that. So stupid. But I feel better about thing because I've re-evaluated the way that I want to be, and who I am now.

I have absolutely nothing to prove. Because I know who's on my side. And He'll never leave.

The only other thing that I haven't quite figured out is this impulse to run far far away. I have the opportunity to spend time in Alaska- but I don't know if in the deepest parts of my being I really considered it all the way- until now... Of course it sounds good now, but it feels like I'm being driven from my home- and I did that before and eventually had to come back and face it anyways. I'd rather face these demons and trials now then hold out and wait until I have to come back. I want to make the decision to act now.. and not react and run away to another deep dark, hardly populated place on earth.

And maybe right now isn't the best time to try and decide that. Just because it's all very up-in-my-face at the moment.

In happier news, I went shopping yesterday for the first time in months. Purchased 2 new outfits- dresses for church and some hair clips with roses on them. Love them, a lot. And it was good to spend some time out of my house. We looked at the rings, and I found the one I want. Surprisingly it's not a pearl- which I've always wanted and have always dreamed about... but this is good to. I'm going to try and find a picture of it. It's gorgeous. And it was only $325 dollars. Impressive.
Ha! It was fun to look and try on. We're such girlie girls but I wouldn't want it any other way. Today isn't as grey and cold as yesterday which is a plus, and we're playing cards tonight with a bunch of people- so...that's... special.
To Do List:

1-Laundry, laundry, laundry
2-Set up appointment with Academic Advisor
3-Campus, jobs-internships