Sunday, April 26, 2009

65

Well I finally just decided to spill my sorry, pathetic, ja-ja-juicy guts and tell him. I felt myself clawing and mangling at the inside of my own mind because everything has been so.. thrown off balance. And I can't handle that kind of "shady", unless it's myself. And if that's the case I don't exactly "handle" it as much as I just survive.

I don't know why I can't just throw this feeling off.

All I know is that I absolutely have to give this my all before I decide to fly the coop and head for clearer waters. And until that's done and over with- it's 2 feet all the way in. I just..... choose him. For now. And perhaps that will be enough. For now.

Finals this week, so I pray for all those who must endure that kind of slavish labor. Best of luck to you all. Jeff had an 8 hour exam yesterday. VOMITS. If that's not entirely repulsive, throw me in a prison cell because I honestly think that some kind of mental illness or eating disorder would be the result of such a disgusting task- if it was me.
And then he gets to move to Idaho Falls for an internship.
Heh.

Mostly I just feel ill. Like all there is in my stomach is acid slowly eating away at my inner walls. Which doesn't make sense because as far as I remember I have eaten today. I've got a headache that doesn't make much sense and my body is sore from dancing. I'm tired but not enough to sleep- and besides that I loath napping. Still not quite sure how I feel about summer school in the next week or 2. Am I ready?
I have no idea, but I guess I'll have to be by the time my first class starts. And it'll be good to finally get some credits out of the way and back into some kind of PRODUCTIVE routine because... right now things are pretty monotonous.


The sun was out, but it was snowing. For a good 20 minutes I'd say. It didn't make much sense, and defied much of what I know about nature. Loved it though. Kind of like those days where it rains but the sun is still shimmery and bright. Strange phenomena.
But pleasant.

I miss Meggae. Like crazy.
And I'm sad about how all my plans to go down to Provo changed in a matter of 30 minutes. And it's hard to always be picking between family and friends, because both are so important to me. And when it comes to what's going on in my family it doesn't really seem like it matter or not whether I'm here. It doesn't change anything. Things remain the way they are. I don't think that my presence is really helping out.

None of this really makes sense, but I'm depressed by how sad it's all sounding.
School is almost starting so things will pick up!
Summer is coming and with it the heat and dry! Yes!
Camping, hiking, fires, etc.
Everyone will be out of school and have more time to spend with me.
Things will hopefully go well with the man and that's something to look forward to.
I'm hoping a job will turn up.
There are lots of reasons to be happy.
And I'm glad that I am.



Ever After. Dinner. Plan date. Sleep.




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