Lie.
I did not put up that "epic fail" photo yesterday.
I did not put up that "epic fail" photo yesterday.
1: because I was sssssapped.
and 2: I concluded {{after much thought}} that Matt needed to be the first person to see it. He, of all precious people {and friends} would find it gut busting. And I require that type of security. Pa...thetic. So after the photo is sent to Conneticut, it will make it's debut on Blogger.
I've been thinking about my familia. My Austrailian familia. And the longer I go without hearing from my Uncle and Aunt, the more put out I feel. Sarah Lynne's cousins are consistently getting together to do things. In fact, right now she's down in the BIG city with all her cousins at a family dinner. And the other day Heather and Ashley were over and we sat around having a grand time! Well, they had a great time talking- I just watched the love unfold. And instead of feeling really happy and content, I just felt sad and alone. It's just not that way with my relatives, as much as I desire it to be.
Some of my reasoning for traveling back to the homeland {{AustrAlia}} was to fuse some of these long sought after bonds. I spent 2 months with my Uncle, and in between time was spent being flitted about between cousins and 2nd cousins. They are either 20 years older than me, or 10 years younger then me. It's hard to be a good cousin, a good niece when there's so much time in between ages. And because I live on the other side of the globe. And since then it's felt like a fruitless effort. Only my Aunt Susan calls, and she's been doing that since we migrated to the US so it's no big thing {maybe it should be}. The change I expected, didn't happen. The bonding that I did while I was there hasn't continued. And I don't feel like my efforts changed..a single thing. It could be the difference in lifestyles. It could be the alternative religions. Maybe my effort wasn't great enough. Could I have done more? So... many questions...
and 2: I concluded {{after much thought}} that Matt needed to be the first person to see it. He, of all precious people {and friends} would find it gut busting. And I require that type of security. Pa...thetic. So after the photo is sent to Conneticut, it will make it's debut on Blogger.
Been fogged in a eerie frame of mind the last 2 days. Noticeable. Haven't been as gabby with Sarah Lynne, and mostly just keep to ma'self. {Chillaxin' with Kirsty a.k.a Keaton today was the exception}. There's an explanation- or rather, there's got to be right? Just don't know anymore. I'm not really make legit sentences either. Mostly sentence frag.ments.
I've been thinking about my familia. My Austrailian familia. And the longer I go without hearing from my Uncle and Aunt, the more put out I feel. Sarah Lynne's cousins are consistently getting together to do things. In fact, right now she's down in the BIG city with all her cousins at a family dinner. And the other day Heather and Ashley were over and we sat around having a grand time! Well, they had a great time talking- I just watched the love unfold. And instead of feeling really happy and content, I just felt sad and alone. It's just not that way with my relatives, as much as I desire it to be.
Some of my reasoning for traveling back to the homeland {{AustrAlia}} was to fuse some of these long sought after bonds. I spent 2 months with my Uncle, and in between time was spent being flitted about between cousins and 2nd cousins. They are either 20 years older than me, or 10 years younger then me. It's hard to be a good cousin, a good niece when there's so much time in between ages. And because I live on the other side of the globe. And since then it's felt like a fruitless effort. Only my Aunt Susan calls, and she's been doing that since we migrated to the US so it's no big thing {maybe it should be}. The change I expected, didn't happen. The bonding that I did while I was there hasn't continued. And I don't feel like my efforts changed..a single thing. It could be the difference in lifestyles. It could be the alternative religions. Maybe my effort wasn't great enough. Could I have done more? So... many questions...
Just floating thoughts, that leave an elusive edge to my mind.
-----------------------
In other news I saw Guido's parents today at the Greenhouse. I didn't have a chance to speak with them because we were busy pulling together orders. PS- today went by rapidly, which surprised me because the sun was ba-ba-beating down and there was no wind. That's a good recipe for making the day pass slowly- but it did not. It was nice to see them from afar [[his parents]]- but it got me thinking.
It's been a day of thoughts.
I miss Guido, and the adrenaline that would course through me hours after I'd finished a conversation with him. He was someone that made me not just want to be better. I WAS better with him. Continually and withOut fail. He made me feel like I could do anything. As though I had no limits, and nothing could stand in the way. He believed in me as a person. He was perfect for me. Or rather, he worked to be the one for me, as I did for him. It was succesful for a very long time, but it wasn't without effort on both our parts. The distance. The different lifestyles. It wasn't ever a big deal though, because we just CHOSE to make it work.
And then something happened. And I guess he didn't want to try anymore. So then I tried for both of us... finally he told me to let it go. And I have. But the hurt and yearning for him is still there. Just because we aren't together and in love anymore doesn't mean that I don't... still love him for being that kind of man for me.
All of this... thought- because I glimpsed his parents.
I wonder what he's doing and if he's well. I haven't spoken to him in a long while but I'm not worried about it. And I'm not hanging on for anything. I can honestly say that.. now. I couldn't for 2 years but.. it's real this time. And this burden turned out to be one of the best blessing that has EVER been disguised. Para me.
It made me think about agency. And how everything takes work and choices. And if you want to make something work- you can- if all parties are on equal footing and the same page. It's possible. And I guess that's what it's about. Finding someone that's willing to work as hard as you are. It's a great concept.
During my break I went to the dam to feed the ducks and enjoy my lunch in the brilliant sunsplotched dock. It was nice, I watched the baby geese paddling along side mama, and was impressed with how they nibbled out of that little girls hand. Nature. Sighs. While settled there Matt's face creeped into my mind and I felt concerned. In fact I started crying there, on the dock. Little kids running around tossing bread in the minature lake like a parade. A fishermen to my left, and a glossy black bull dog on my right {I've never seen a BLACK one}.
The tears began to spill. And even now I don't really understand the reason why. I thought about him and felt worried. I've always kind of had a 6th sense. It being sensitivity to human beings in general. But it's stronger with my friends. So I started to cry because the intensity of my worry increased exponentially. I schelped back to my great gray van and sat inside, head on the wheel waiting for my eyes to run dry. Then I wrote him a letter. I didn't have any paper, so I had to use this old newletter that was talking about donating blood. *Jibblies*.
I miss my best friend.
I miss my family.
And I'm sick of crying about it.
Bah Gah Dah!
-----------------------
In other news I saw Guido's parents today at the Greenhouse. I didn't have a chance to speak with them because we were busy pulling together orders. PS- today went by rapidly, which surprised me because the sun was ba-ba-beating down and there was no wind. That's a good recipe for making the day pass slowly- but it did not. It was nice to see them from afar [[his parents]]- but it got me thinking.
It's been a day of thoughts.
I miss Guido, and the adrenaline that would course through me hours after I'd finished a conversation with him. He was someone that made me not just want to be better. I WAS better with him. Continually and withOut fail. He made me feel like I could do anything. As though I had no limits, and nothing could stand in the way. He believed in me as a person. He was perfect for me. Or rather, he worked to be the one for me, as I did for him. It was succesful for a very long time, but it wasn't without effort on both our parts. The distance. The different lifestyles. It wasn't ever a big deal though, because we just CHOSE to make it work.
And then something happened. And I guess he didn't want to try anymore. So then I tried for both of us... finally he told me to let it go. And I have. But the hurt and yearning for him is still there. Just because we aren't together and in love anymore doesn't mean that I don't... still love him for being that kind of man for me.
All of this... thought- because I glimpsed his parents.
I wonder what he's doing and if he's well. I haven't spoken to him in a long while but I'm not worried about it. And I'm not hanging on for anything. I can honestly say that.. now. I couldn't for 2 years but.. it's real this time. And this burden turned out to be one of the best blessing that has EVER been disguised. Para me.
It made me think about agency. And how everything takes work and choices. And if you want to make something work- you can- if all parties are on equal footing and the same page. It's possible. And I guess that's what it's about. Finding someone that's willing to work as hard as you are. It's a great concept.
During my break I went to the dam to feed the ducks and enjoy my lunch in the brilliant sunsplotched dock. It was nice, I watched the baby geese paddling along side mama, and was impressed with how they nibbled out of that little girls hand. Nature. Sighs. While settled there Matt's face creeped into my mind and I felt concerned. In fact I started crying there, on the dock. Little kids running around tossing bread in the minature lake like a parade. A fishermen to my left, and a glossy black bull dog on my right {I've never seen a BLACK one}.
The tears began to spill. And even now I don't really understand the reason why. I thought about him and felt worried. I've always kind of had a 6th sense. It being sensitivity to human beings in general. But it's stronger with my friends. So I started to cry because the intensity of my worry increased exponentially. I schelped back to my great gray van and sat inside, head on the wheel waiting for my eyes to run dry. Then I wrote him a letter. I didn't have any paper, so I had to use this old newletter that was talking about donating blood. *Jibblies*.
I miss my best friend.
I miss my family.
And I'm sick of crying about it.
Bah Gah Dah!
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