Friday, September 18, 2009


Dude. I'm so RELIEVED that my drama is over, and that the irrational has once again become rational. I think it happens to all of us. I know it does. The freaking out. And uncertainty. The feelings of stupidity and worthlessness. And all over something really stupid that isn't as bad as it seems.

I think I've figured it out.
I just wasn't me anymore. I spent way to long worrying about what I looked like. I changed my outfit about 4 times ( what the?), stressed over shoes (what?), my hair( ok.. that's pretty normal), mascara ( yeah that's normal to)... You name it, I worried about it. So when things didn't go the way I thought they would in my head I freaked and took a dive off the deep end for 2 whole days. I thought it was because of something I did, or wore.. maybe my perfume was off? Where those shoes ugly, was something wrong with my hair?.. what about ME wasn't working for the situation?

And then it hit me. Va-freakin'-bam
It WASN'T me. At all.
Check and check.
I think the lesson is learned.

But it took a long time to get there. I haven't flipped that hard in a long time, so it was a struggle to get control over emotions and other "unwantables". Man, I cried alot. And then I got mad. And then annoyed with myself, which just caused me to cry again. It was traumatic. And stupid.

Thank goodness that's over.

So today things were {{different}}. I was me. ( :D ) And no, things didn't go the way I wanted it to. Why did that girl have to sit there? And why in the world would the professor forget her flash drive? Plus it was discussion day so there wouldn't have been much time for conversation anyways. But it was ok ( better than ok!), because I felt totally comfortable in my own skin, and I felt like I was doing the right thing. I felt weird with that seat taken by someone that I didn't know.. and don't plan on getting know.... I was disappointed and anxious..... But I survived, and things will be better on Monday because now I've got some kind of game plan.

Fireflies. I love this song. It's on replay on my ipod.. I just looked at the number of times played... I'm at 22. Now 23.Wowzer.

Back to point.--->
Things were better today, and I don't feel terrible about what happened. We had a small moment, and that was enough. And I'm looking forward to Monday when the awesomeness will be unleashed.
I can't wait to be honest.
I feel like everyone wants to be understood.. but more then that ... understand.
And that's what I plan on doing.

It's bold. And out there. Direct and honest. Different. But I guess I've been driven by experience to ask why in the world would I do things differently. Also. IT'S ME. Any kind of direction is better than none. And I can honestly say I don't know of one person that finds pleasure in limbo.

I'm waiting for someone to disagree. And if you do, let me know. I'd love to chit chat.
So things are business as usual. I had a great chat tonight with Sarah Lynne about the next big goal that we both have in our lives and just contemplating the awesome, while also being frustrated about not knowing the time line. I'm excited about this new big thing, and I'm hoping it can go somewhere that continues to make me smile big. I'm so happy. And I hope it stays that way... .however it goes.

RANDOM NOTE: Went bowling tonight. AWesome AwesSome. AWESOME!!!!
We talked about our friends. Family. School. boys, boys, boys. Church doctrine. Wild animals. Australia. Anthrotourism. Travel. Trips.

It was a really good night.

Farmers Market tomorrow morning

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