Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Is there a way to make certain entries [[private]]? I'll have to look into this more, since I have a lot things to write down..but surprisingly (rolls eyes. say what?) aren't appropriate for everyone. It's not vulgarity people, calm down.

So last night was .. expected perfection. And I wasn't disappointed. At all. Except the part where he didn't return my call and let me know the plan until about an hour and 1/2 after he said he would. I wouldn't put up with that kind of juvenile :D behavior from anyone- except him. He is the exception to everything in my life. One, big, fat, unfair exception. I didn't ask for it though. So I deal with it and put on ma' "brave" face. I tried it out in the mirror before we headed out. It looked more like a grimace.
But give me some credit.

I didn't worry about what I looked like, because it felt natural not to do so. I didn't get really dressed up, or concern myself with mascara or perfume. Dude. I didn't even really do my hair. And I loved it. Talk about refreshing. Zero fidgeting.

So I stepped out of the car, saw him standing there, faced away from his- phone to his ear talking my ear off the whole time. "I can see you!". He turned around and as I walked towards him I found myself fighting the intense urge to run. We embraced briefly, but it will be memorable. The bowling alley we selected was having League night, so we headed to the Gutter. ( I love the LL, but secretly I enjoy the Gutter more because of the neon flashing lights, also they have better music. And my lucky bowling ball is there. The shoes are cooler-est. The people are nicer-er. The facility is better, I could go on.)
Bowling nerdery.

We gabbed the whole freaking way, and this went on for the next 3 hours? He showed me his scars. BAH HA HAH! I just had to put that in there because that's such a guy thing to do. And so him. He told me all about his jumps, diving, his face basically exploding because he was wonky ears, all the naked stories you can imagine, he talked about the beach, where he's going to live, his family, etc. I could listen to him talk for hours, days, months, years, a lifetime on end. Then I gave him mine.

I just couldn't stop smiling or laughing. THIS is what it's all about. And it was really good to see him again.

On the way back we talked about the Office, the next time I'd see him. When he'd be back next, etc. Getting out of the car I could feel the onset of everything that had just happened. I looked back, said farewell and we both went on our ways, until the next time we meet up between now and the 9th.

I fumbled around for my keys, trying to keep my head cleared and my eyes dry. I got in, quickly turned on the car and pulled out of the alley. Once on the highway everything blurred. Was that a stop sign? Or someone wearing a funny hat?

The closer I got to home, the closer everything came bursting to the surface. And then it did. The way it always does. The way it always always will. I almost crashed my car, and because that didn't really phase me I just kept going and almost crashed again. I don't know how I made it the church parking lot. Or my house.

The same gaping soul hole.
Time and time and time again.
Because if there is one thing that I feel sure about, that I KNOW... it's that this matters. I can't explain it to anyone, and no matter how many times I try and explain it to myself it still doesn't make much sense. But I guess things like this never do.
Everything feels off, all the time. I worry about the things I do. Why I react this way to that, or this. Why I have this complex, or this personality. And why is it so wrong with everyone else? And then everything changes, and things fall back in line. It's not offset. And everything that I worry about.. all the things that just make my experiences different from anyone else I know make sense. I realize why I am the .. way that I am. It's freeing.

But it doesn't last.
We part.
And that part of me that comes out when only he sees it, locks itself away and dies until the next time we meet.

I've tried everything. Attempting relationships with other people, moving, traveling to keep my mind off of it, taking a dive to distract myself, not talking for a year. And everytime I think it will be different. That I'll be different, not care as much, gotten over it. But it's just not like that. It just keeps getting worse. And worse. And worse. And.. I don't know. Because I can't DO anything about it.

I keep waiting for the part where he'll come and really see me. See all the things that he's taken away from me. Look at me, and realize what he's destroyed. And then I want him to do one simple thing FOR me. Just one! I want him to change... and then take care of me.

So. Yeah.
Last night was expected perfection.
The fiasco following and all.
Because it wouldn't be "perfection" without it.

This is it.

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