Monday, December 14, 2009


"Take off my shirt. Loosen the buttons and undo my skirt.
Stare at myself in the mirror.
Pick me apart piece by piece.
Sorrow decrease. Pressure release."

It's been awhile since I've seriously considered myself being in a rut (ditch? black hole? unrelenting abysmal tomb?). And though the feeling is better than I've had in the past it doesn't feel (comfortable) being stuck somehow. Ha ha! Right.. Does it ever? When was --static-- appealing to anyone? I don't really know what happened. It always begins the same, just one off day. Then the d.o.m.i.n.o. effect is set into action with a goal to terminate and all you can do is hope and cross your fingers that by doing what you know you're supposed to do, or by keeping the best attitude that you possibly can, that somehow against all odds [[one]] domino will not topple, the chain broken.

Until the next time of course, because undoubtedly there will be a NEXT time.

I remember the first day. One thing went wrong after another. Fighting with my family, stressing about my schooling options, trying to figure out issues with my trainers, the plans for the coming semester and regarding the marathon. Trying to find a way to feel worthy of certain friendships/relationships, wanting to believe something amazing is about to happen, but holding onto skepticism because it's seems to never be what it comes across as. Wanting to magnify my calling, but feeling uncertain as how to do so. Being severely uncomfortable but attempting to get to know more people. Looking for another adventure, worrying about not having a job. It was crippling. So instead of doing something, I simply did nothing. The easy way out. (or IN to the bottomless pit.. if you want to get all "philosophical").

Reacting & not acting.

I went to the gym for a couple hours, hoping to sweat out all the things I did wrong that day. Wanting that runners high which would make me feel on top of the world again, healed, redeemed, ready to make some changes. To act. After a couple hours of hammering my own body into the ground, weeping vats of steaming sweat, blood scorching in the veins, muscles shrieking at me, heart beating so rapidly it might pop!, the hot tub softly called my name and I answered eagerly. Sitting in the spa, letting the knots untangle, cramps fizzle out calmly, I glanced down at my CTR ring. Get ready. It was black. Now it might have been the chlorine reacting against the sterling silver, or maybe the heat did something to trigger a chemical reaction. Either way I don't care to find out because this visual hit me in the face like a well-aimed 45lb free weight.

It was a reflection (to me) of how that day had been. All the times I had NOT chosen the right. Instead of getting meditative, rage suddenly filled me. Violently. Just as it had all day long. "It's ruined. Time to throw it away I guess". I went to do just that when something stopped me.

I didn't throw it away.
I drove home and put it on my dresser not really understanding why I was keeping it, pissed off that I was keeping it actually. I didn't wear it for awhile and just as I mentioned more bad days followed. I felt out of control, wild, untamed and completely reckless. Things happened. Guilt. Shame. Frustration. Annoyance. Stress. But I kept thinking about the ring.

Over the last couple of weeks it's been many different colours. For a while it was black. Then gray. Blue, then a dark purple. And as I finally made my way over the last hurdle of letting myself move on from past mistakes I made this month, I sat quietly in church yesterday with my ring. On.- {{sterling silver.}} Not a single blemish. You wouldn't believe that 3 weeks ago it was solid black.

I guess I learned that you can't just throw away all the things that are wrong, or simply close chapters. It doesn't work that way ( I already knew this) but it was a nice reminder that it's always all about progression. And it might take time, and work, and a lot of keeping discouragement at bay but it can be done. I'm certainly not there yet. I still have some things to fit, jealousies to get over, pride to stamp out, hope to somehow be instilled back into me but yesterday was a good day and I'm grateful for it.

One week left of UL ( I'm 7 lbs away from my goal-with THIS program) and then I have a couple training sessions with Patrick over the break before P&N starts the beginning of January- just so I don't lose any momentum. Finals are over and though I don't have all my grades back I feel as though I did exceptionally well ( I accredit all of it to Institute this semester). I've gotten to know a few more people at church-who are ridiculously rad- and I have a date with Sir Knight tomorrow sometime.

List of things to do over this blessed break?
1. Tithing settlement
2. Employment Search
3. Buy books for next semester
4. Christmas preparations
5. Hair cut?
6. Visiting teaching ( cause I haven't done it.. once)
7. G
8. Plan my spring break vacation
9. Talk to Allison about New York this summer
10. New tires for Oscar.This is me, obviously. I've lost enough weight that the dimple has been reinstated. Va freakin' BAM! A before and after picture of my whole self will be posted at the end of this week. And if I do say so myself.. I look pretty freaking good.

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