Thursday, February 4, 2010


These last couple of months have been a challenge. I've been going through this "experience" and how to describe will be difficult. I'm here to try and give my best effort.

I have this friend- don't we all?
And the relationship that we have is long lasting, there's a definite level of deep trust, and an understanding that can't be explained in English words. He's unprecedented. The type of guy that would give the shirt off his back to anyone-any place, any time. If he were in Spain, and I needed him- he WOULD fly back to America just for me [if it was absolutely what I needed]. Over the last couple of years because of distance, and the different lifestyles we've chosen to live a {gap} has appeared. It hasn't changed the exterior of the relationship, but I sense it internally. I'm not saying it's good or bad, better or worse as much as I'm just saying it's.. NOT the same.

And that's okay.
I just realized I'm not sure where this is going to go. The point is, life's been rough recently and this person - though who is NOT the reason for the difficulties adds a complicated factor which has made my life exponentially more complex in the last couple of months. I've felt alot of things- anger, hurt, discouragement, frustration and of course confusion. I've been given the gift of easy forgiveness. It's not a hard thing for me to- other commandments, principles, or morals I struggle with but forgiveness (thank goodness) hasn't been a problem.

So when catastrophe hit and I found I COULD NOT move on without an apology from this person- it's scared me. I got down on my knees crying, begging, praying for the forgiveness that I've always possessed to reembody me and free from these hurt feelings.
The answer was no. No and also you need to feel this a little bit longer. My head was turned. Isn't forgiveness what I'm supposed to feel? Isn't this what you want from me? But the answer was no, and also to blatantly ignore this person.

It hurt.
I wanted to talk them. Laugh with them. Forget the whole thing. And to decisively purposefully ignore this person when they were trying to get my attention almost killed me. It continued on for days, me asking every morning and night if I could just talk with them. No no no no no.

And then one day a couple days ago I woke up to SUNSHINE spilling and splashing all over my room and I knew the day had come. He'll try to talk to you, and this time you should let him. It happened. After staring at me for full minute this person broke down and wept in a way I've never seen ANYONE cry before. I then received the most heartfelt apology I've ever received in my entire life.

The lesson?
Well I don't believe it was FOR me at all. I think it was for him. It was interesting being used as an instrument in that way [not that there aren't lessons to be learned FOR me in this experience] and not the other way around.
We walked out into the sunshine flooding campus as we made our way to the bus.
I looked at him closely for a minute and found something in those steely blue eyes that made me realize why I'm doing what I am right now with this person.
It's because they don't know what to do- and the easiest people to hurt are those you trust the most.


School is going fantastically! Presentation done. Fairly certain I passed my first Math exam. I made Valentines for the elderly this morning, applied for a couple jobs and looked UP couple jobs. Lunch date with Katie and Jess tomorrow at 1:30pm, training is going awesomely, tomorrow is the "On Cloud 9" formal, and I've got another project to work on- but it's SO awesome that I can't even mention it yet! Stay tuned.

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