Sunday, April 25, 2010


I am the crummiest cook in the cosmos.
I honestly just messed up a dish of instant chocolate fat-free and sugar-free pudding.
Who does that? Me with a capital "m".

It's a 1/4 of the powder, 2 cups of milk right?
Then. If you like it super-pudding-like you cram it in the fridge.

Where's the disconnect?
It was fast Sunday. I have a hard time sharing my testimony because the opportunities that I only ever identify AS opportunities, are the ones where I'd have to pace what feels like miles up to a smallish podium, and then goggle down at what seems like one thousand people, and THEN try to articulate things that are very {special} to me and my experiences within and outside my time in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. (Long sentence)
Thursday as I was skipping out to the bus circle the missionaries approached me. The poor guys, it must be hard in this town to try and find people that aren't members, or members that KNOW of people that aren't already. I know for me, most of my friends are in fact LDS- and the ones that are not or have become inactive are very vehement about not wanting anything to do about it. Of course this conflict was brought up with them, but only after they asked me to share what I loved so much about the gospel with them.


It was wonderful to have someone just ask me, two-on-one, what my thoughts and feelings were. So much more comfortable then in front of all my peers that can articulate or seem so comfortable sharing it with the masses. I just can't do it well. I get nervous and jittery, I start crying but it's not necessarily because I'm having this awesome soul moving experience-it's mostly because of worry- am I saying what I want to say? Are they getting what I mean? Is this what I wanted to express to my Heavenly Father today?
A grundle of questions that cause frustration and then the flood gate opens, I wrap it up quickly before I REALLY break down and I go back to my seat not knowing WHAT just happened.
It's very dramatic and uncomfortable.

But I had an opportunity to share it with them, and they encouraged me to write it down if I couldn't find the moment to stand up and share it.
I loved that they asked me, because it shows me what I ACTUALLY know. Ya know?

It simply makes me happy. Nothing makes me feel more at peace, like I have more purpose, like I matter , or that I'm more loved then this gospel does. When I'm doing the things I should, it doesn't mean that everything is perfect, or even just ok, or progressive and awesome all the time, but even if it's not it makes NOT having those things all the time easier to deal with and I'm able to cope-thrive. Things were so empty and dead before. I'd go out, have a great time, laugh and live it up only to find myself hours later in bed wondering why I didn't feel anything while that was going on. I was an actress, and a good one. I was there, but not here.
You always hear about those life changing moments. Lots of people have them.
And then I did.

I've always had a hard time accepting that I'm an important part of God's plan. A hard accepting that I'm an elect daughter OF him. It's easy for me to understand how everyone else is important, and how everyone else is a son or daughter that is loved. That makes sense. But it never did for me. Someone had to, in a way, command me to know that it was true of myself as well. The day I only tried to accept that was the moment for me.

And it was great.
I hear people say all the time " I don't know where I'd be without it".
I do.
I know EXACTLY where I'd be-which is a part of the reason that I will always stay.
It simply makes me happy.

I'm glad they asked me to talk about it with them, because the rest of the day it hit me again and again that I KNOW it's true. And that I KNOW it's good. So thanks missionaries!

Happy Sunday!

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