Thursday, May 6, 2010


There's only a few things I'd like to be absolutely certain of.
And of course it's those things that you can't be certain of until a certain point.
But there's no certainty to when that point will come, but there's always uncertainty that it won't.

Call it a paranoid personal problem.
Jacked up.
Or a lack of faith.
But I guess that's what I'm feeling right now.

I reach this point every now and then where everything kind of..stops. All the goals and ambitions, securities and safe blankets stop doing their jobs and I'm left in the dark fumbling for a time or two-freaking out because I can't stand the static. I hate not being able to hear anything. Not understanding, and not progressing. And I guess when outside forces stop swaying and spinning my insides start doing that instead.

Is it that way for anyone else?

I'll try and find a quiet spot where I can just let it all out. Whether that means blasting music till' my ear drums burst, screaming till' my lungs give out, or crying until I just CAN'T anymore.
I've heard that works for some people but it NEVER does for me. It seems like no matter how long I sit still in one place and just try to FEEL whatever it is I'm supposed to that those impressions never come. It's a rare moment when I KNOW something for certain. Sure, I feel good about things. I know when something is "good" or "ok" for me, but it's vague and as soon as I get that feeling the doubt starts to creep in and nest and I can't tell if it's ME or something else.
All chaos breaks lose.

Things fall apart.

I fall apart.

And then I'm back to a place where I have to struggle to find self love, because I don't FEEL loved after those moments. I know they come for everyone. It's a comfort to know that I'm not alone but we all yearn for those moments where things will just WORK OUT-whatever that means dynamically. I feel greedy. And that's not what I'm actually trying to go for, I'm just looking for some understanding and insight. I'm looking for some answers and a kind of happiness that I haven't seemed to find yet. It's not that I'm unhappy-that's CERTAINLY NOT the case. I'm thrilled to be alive and doing and experiencing all the things that I AM. i AM. i PROMISE.

I'm afraid.

There are NO monsters under my bed, or hiding in the back of my car. There's no one lurking ain the alleyway or stalking me up the back stairs. It's not the dark, or the cold, or that eerie noise of wind zipping it's way down the vents. It's everything inside. Not outside. I can see everything outside. It's there in color, in texture, in tangibility.
I can hold it.

I can't hold things.. inside.
But everyone else seems to be able to.

I'm exhausted. I keep having dreams about being half blind-which is ironic because I AM half blind. I'm burnt out, over trained, and in need of some sweet sweet SWEET clarity and a healthy does of "brave" to do what I want to do next. What I need to do next. But not for me. For someone else. But I don't know how it will affect ME.

And if I can't keep things inside.
What's going to happen?

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