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{Idiot}

Because I honestly handle conflict like a 4 year old. A glorified 4 year old. I AM 4 years old.

Call me 4 years old!! but I guess I feel less attached to someone if they're only a number in my phone {and other places} as opposed to an actual name. If your actual NAME is in my phone, then you're golden. As soon as I can't handle you anymore, or I'm too confused and tired that I can't begin to even THINK about handling things WITH you anymore, you're name is deleted and you'll show up as a number.

I'm not as attached to numbers as I am to actual names.
There doesn't have to be much feeling behind a number.
A number is empty and meaningless and does nothing negative to affect me.
If you're a number, you can't hurt me anymore.

He's been a number for a couple of weeks now. It's a defense mechanism. It's.. reTARDED. Today I acted like a prick at work. Why? It's not because I'm angry at him, or feeling bitter or resentful. It ISN'T. I don't have those types of feelings for ANYONE. Almost EVER. It's because I know this friendship is imbalanced. It's because I have always cared too much about him. And I always will if I continue to keep him as a close part of my life. I've tried. Again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again. Because I've been so AFRAID to just let it go. Like I'll lose something by walking away from this. Like I'll have regrets or second thoughts. Like it could all just be a BAD idea. It's not something I want to deal with anymore, it's not something I feel as though I should HAVE to deal with.

I only did nothing.
Which always feels worse than doing something.

I ignored him, walked away from him. Was openly avoiding him, not bothering to try and even disguise it. Prick. It's on my stupid forehead, but I don't know how else to deal with this. So I've been "cleansing". He's a number, he's blocked, he's ignored, he will be forgotten. I don't know if that's what I want yet or not, but I'm sick of feeling wishy washy so I'm just going to continue.

My life is so dramatic sometimes.
My new motto is "No Men, 2010". {Compliments of Karrie!}
And already the air feels a little less toxic, and I feel less frantic.




anyways.



I applied to be Physical Therapy Aid. I've never wanted a job so badly in my entire life. I WANT THIS. It's something I could see myself doing for a very long time, and the place that I love, surrounded by people I know and that support me in my health lifestyle goals. I can't see myself anywhere else, feeling as happy as I do at just the THOUGHT of getting this job. I NEED THIS.


So everyone cross your fingers for me.
School starts in a week.
New Zealand in October.
And yeah.