Friday, October 8, 2010


I watched "Letters to Juliet" with my mom tonight. I was supposed to go to the hockey game with some people from the ward, but in the end it all fell through. It's fine. I was feeling kinda down about some things anyways and was actually talking to my mom about it when we were supposed to all meet ( but I DID plan on heading in later).

I've just become dispassionate.
I keep waiting and looking, and trying to create something that's going to reset the fire in me that was there just months ago. I still enjoy and like thinking about all the things that are ME. I used to be fired up about travel. Don't me wrong my wanderlust is still there but it's more like a simmer now as opposed to an explosive eruption. I used to be really into my art- a new kind of sketch every couple of weeks. I still love art. I still enjoy drawing but I haven't finished anything in weeks. I'm all about working out. And while I go to the gym every single day ( and feel awesome about that) I'm getting bored, and I keep trying to think of new ways that I could burn some calories. It's a little scary because I need that kind of variety to help with my mental health as well.
School? I love learning. I enjoy walking around up on campus and having the opportunity to meet people ( though I hardly feel comfortable trying to put myself out there.. at the moment), but I think it's like my mom said tonight "University isn't for everyone". But I guess I'm not interested in going to a tech school or getting some kind of quick and easy certificate to ( I don't want to do those things because I feel it will damage my already lacking social life).
It would make sense to just find some kind of job right?
And THAT does make sense but I know exactly what I want to do, and haven't been hired for the position that I wanted at SARC- and haven't found the time or motivation to go and talk to other Physical Therapists in the valley.

There's one guy I'm interested in. It always seems to be that way, which I don't feel bad about. But I wouldn't say NO to just dating around and having some fun while he's making up his mind about me. And besides, I'm feeling really worn out in that arena to. I don't really know what else I could possibly do to make myself more appealing to someone, more attractive, etc.

It probably seems like I'm complaining.
But I'm really not.
I'm okay with where I'm at. I have things going on in my life. I AM meeting new people occasionally and trying to be healthy-all the time. I'm getting my act together for an upcoming humanitarian aid trip-which I'm STOKED about. Things are.....fine. But I don't feel as though I'm moving FORWARD which seems to be the problem. I just kinda feel stuck, in a rut, a lull, what have you.

I kinda feel like I'm in a dark room, no light, lots of doors. And if I could just FIND one, or see a peek of light escaping underneath the door to make SOME kind of lit path for me to follow then I could reach a door, open it, and experience that part of plan for me. But I just don't see anything. I don't feel inclined toward any one thing.
I have no idea what I'm doing in school right now. My mind changes CONSTANTLY. The whole friend making thing is worrying me. I'm just not very good at it. Ok. I can make LOTS of friends pretty quick, but things that are meaningful instead of just shallow-not so much.

Has anyone else ever felt that way?
That you're just kinda here?

Part of me is afraid that I'm missing something. That it's right here in front of my face and I'm so close to things just clicking but I just...can't..quite.. grab onto it. I guess the thing that's most on my mind is my personal life (I know right? Why would that be? lol). Someone I love once told me something along the lines like this: "Satan is trying to destroy the family, the central unit of this plan of happiness. He doesn't want that for us. He's going to do all in his power to prevent that for us. On the other side God is rooting for us, he wants that for us. If he's so involved and invested in every other part of our life, doesn't it make sense that he's also looking out for our dating situations?"

So I have to assume that there's a reason that things are really slow right now. There were a couple weeks there where seriously.. I had 8 dates in one weekend. It was crazy. It's not like I was super interested in any of those people, but it was fun, I appreciated that experience, it was a good growing time for me. So I guess this halt must be a growing experience for me in some way also.

But that still doesn't solve this problem of me not knowing what to do or where to go right now.
I mean. There are things that I HAVE to do:

Keep going to school, and finish this semester.
Continue to prepare for the CES Fireside in November.
Fulfill my church callings.
And honestly- those are the only obligations that I have right now.

I know I'm going to regret stating this, but I guess I had more obligation and responsibility.
Oh. And a dating life.


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