It's really been a feeling that I haven't wrapped my vocabulary around yet.
It's just been.... relieving the last couple of days.
No bad spells, some great weather, my amazing family, kind friends.
I think this year was extra special to me-because this year has been extra difficult. For myself, but also for most members of my family. We had our traditional carols by candlelight and then the annual family testimony meeting. While listening to my siblings and parents share some of their experiences of this year, and the things they know about the gospel, and how they feel about our Savior- I think the concept that became the most interesting and meaningful to me was the timing in which we receive blessings.
The point (in my own head) driven home was that the Lord blesses us based on an eternal time line, not a temporary one. It doesn't always make sense (and there are plenty of things in my life that STILL don't make any sense) but I know the reason why some things are and have happened in my life, and the reason why OTHER things HAVEN'T happened in my life yet.. is because of this eternal time line. I haven't always trusted this "bigger plan". It's scary to me, not being able to see a couple steps into the future all the time. I'm not a fan of feeling {lost}. And when I feel like I'm ready or NOT ready for something, but those things do or do not happen the frustration or sorrow, or loss of hope isn't an uplifting disposition.
At the beginning of this year I decided I was sick of being so easily influenced. Tired of feeling so unsteady and vulnerable, and committed to doing what I could to plant my own feet, and become closer to the woman that I personally want to become. This involved becoming a better example of the things that I want to stand for, having a better relationship with my Father in Heaven and Savior, and developing a testimony that could fare me through anything.
Those are not goals that you reach then... once you get there, you get there. They're continuous, you have to maintain them, you can't stop trying, it's a life long commitment and a very demanding set of aspirations. I'm not all the way there yet, and I'm sure I'll spend the rest of my life making small increments of progression and gaining, line upon line, new knowledge that will help through the many different stages of life I have yet to experience.
But this year has helped push me further than I ever have been.
It's been a challenge. Through many different times and experiences I've felt pushed to what I believed was my limit. Many moments filled with fear of... losing hope, or experiencing more failure, or apprehension about the things I might miss out on. Days of paralysis, not wanting to move because.. anywhere I could move would be a difficult change which could cause more problems.
Stressful.
But I've changed so much.
My relationship with my Savior has grown greatly.
I've received more knowledge.
Grown closer to my family.
Made new friends.
And come to understand just how personal the Atonement is to me specifically.
It's special to me, to know that when the rest of the world really CANNOT understand, no matter how much they may say they do, or how similar the experiences they've had are to mine.. that HE actually DOES know. Exactly.
None of those things could have happened, without having THIS specific year.
Lords time line. I know I won't always be comfortable with it. But knowing that He knows best makes that discomfort bearable.
Thank you 2010.
And Merry Christmas!
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